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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about being asked for money?

166 replies

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 21:15

I know a man through volunteering at an organisation we're both interested in. I would say we are friendly acquaintances. Tonight he messaged asking if I could lend him money because he can't afford to put his gas on till Monday. I asked how much and he said £25.

I have sent it because I felt guilty if he was freezing and I could help, but AIBU to feel annoyed that he asked and put me in an awkward position? I don't want it to become a regular occurrence and it has made me feel uncomfortable. AIBU to be a bit annoyed by the request, or should I just accept he had no option but to ask because of his circumstances?

OP posts:
smashin · 08/03/2023 23:21

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:18

I'd have been equally annoyed if I'd say no. It's the asking at all which is my issue.

Show quote history

But if asking if the problem, why would you engage with him? You’re essentially pandering to what you think is inappropriate behaviour

Bluepuffa · 08/03/2023 23:21

I’ve an acqo I’ve known for 12m through volunteering. She’s asked to borrow money twice £50/70 and paid it back both times when she said she would. She has a traumatic background, excessive reactions and very poor boundaries. I think my irritation, despite me lending the money is that our friendship isn’t on the level that it’s appropriate to ask. But I get it’s a boundary issue

WoolyMammoth55 · 08/03/2023 23:25

Hi OP, what's done is done and it's good that he's not getting hypothermia in this cold snap.

Unfortunately with poverty there's always some crisis! My MIL has a distant relative (step nephew!) who is always desperate for £200 to prevent something dire - his dog needs surgery or he needs to see an emergency dentist or he's been burgled and needs a new front door... There is a new story every month or two. She has bailed him out to the tune of £££££s over the past decade. I'm personally fairly sure it's drugs but she believes him - and in any case, like you, feels that she has to help just in case he's telling the truth...

So if you can do anything now to prevent you being put in this position more frequently then I'd do it. Especially if he knows your address!

Radiodread · 08/03/2023 23:28

Agree you did a kind deed but also agree you should not do it again. Is he a single bloke living alone? No kids? In that situation I'd personally just get under several duvets and blankets and hunker down. Or go out for a bracing walk. If he is disabled then that is different. I certainly would not dream of asking an acquaintance for money. The fact he has, suggests this is not the first time he has done it. Most people would be absolutely, completely mortified to ask even close friends for money.

roaringmouse · 08/03/2023 23:32

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:18

I'd have been equally annoyed if I'd say no. It's the asking at all which is my issue.

Show quote history

Yes, I understand that it was the asking that is your issue, but it doesn't change my response. You can't control whether someone asks you something you consider to be inappropriate, or not, only your response to it. Continuing to be annoyed is just, well, pointless.

NannyGythaOgg · 08/03/2023 23:32

My mother used to say 'I want, never gets!'. My friend's mother used to say 'If you don't ask you don't get'/

Guess who is better off now - both financially and confidence.

I have learnt to say 'NO' because I never want to be in the position where someone is scared to ask me. I can choose to say 'YES' or I can choose to say 'NO'. And I do say 'NO' on occasion because that is my right, the same as they have the right to ask.

No one (imo) has the right to expect, AND on the rare occasion I ask someone else I do it in the full awareness that they have the right to say 'NO' without explanation.

I don't blame someone/anyone else (for asking) just because I'm to scared to use my right to say NO.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:35

smashin · 08/03/2023 23:21

But if asking if the problem, why would you engage with him? You’re essentially pandering to what you think is inappropriate behaviour

Show quote history

Because I'd have worried that he'd come to harm during a cold night because I'd said no/ignored him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:35

Radiodread · 08/03/2023 23:28

Agree you did a kind deed but also agree you should not do it again. Is he a single bloke living alone? No kids? In that situation I'd personally just get under several duvets and blankets and hunker down. Or go out for a bracing walk. If he is disabled then that is different. I certainly would not dream of asking an acquaintance for money. The fact he has, suggests this is not the first time he has done it. Most people would be absolutely, completely mortified to ask even close friends for money.

Yes, single and living alone. He's got a dog.

OP posts:
ijustneedanamefgs · 08/03/2023 23:36

I would rather someone ask than be cold. As pp said if I found out afterwards someone had been on this position I would have said why didn’t you ask me. I can afford to lose £25 though. You should never lend what you can’t afford to lose.
There’s a couple of ways this can go. He repays you, but later down the line may ask again. Well it’s the same £25, not a big deal I would have thought. Maybe he never asks again. Other is he doesn’t repay you. Less likely to ask again as he already owes you. Or asks anyway and you should be more comfortable saying no as he hasn’t repaid you.
If he’s genuine, and you seem to think he is, I would be hard pushed to feel negatively towards him for asking.

Tourmalines · 08/03/2023 23:38

I can understand you feeling annoyed about him asking . You are nbu . It puts you in an awkward position . I probably would have given it to him too ,but I would not be giving him anymore and next time he won’t catch you off guard if indeed he does ever ask again . If he pays back thats to his credit but see it in your mind as a gift ,which then you can forget about it and put it behind you .

bridgetreilly · 08/03/2023 23:39

Honestly, you need to learn to say no. When people are desperate, of course they will ask, and they need to. But you can say no, and when it’s someone you don’t know well or feel uncomfortable with, that’s what you need to do.

ijustneedanamefgs · 08/03/2023 23:39

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:35

Because I'd have worried that he'd come to harm during a cold night because I'd said no/ignored him.

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But it’s ok if he came to that harm as long as he hadn’t asked you? That’s a strange way of looking at it op.

bridgetreilly · 08/03/2023 23:41

Because I'd have worried that he'd come to harm during a cold night because I'd said no/ignored him.

If he needs the money for gas, he’s not on the streets. It might be a cold few days, but he would be fine.

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:43

ijustneedanamefgs · 08/03/2023 23:39

But it’s ok if he came to that harm as long as he hadn’t asked you? That’s a strange way of looking at it op.

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Don't be silly. Of course how you'd feel is different if harm comes to someone you've refused to help

OP posts:
Oreosandmilk98 · 08/03/2023 23:44

Hi op

If he asks to borrow money for gas or electric again, then just let him know his energy provider will be able to help if he can’t afford to top up

They will be able to offer him a credit (if he has a prepayment meter)

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:45

Oreosandmilk98 · 08/03/2023 23:44

Hi op

If he asks to borrow money for gas or electric again, then just let him know his energy provider will be able to help if he can’t afford to top up

They will be able to offer him a credit (if he has a prepayment meter)

He said a percentage is taken to pay off debt so I'm not sure if he's exhausted that option.

OP posts:
crazyaboutcats · 08/03/2023 23:50

I would give the money and ask them not to repay but make it clear it's a one off, something along the lines of...

'dont worry about repaying it, but just so you know I won't be able to do it again'

ijustneedanamefgs · 08/03/2023 23:52

Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:43

Don't be silly. Of course how you'd feel is different if harm comes to someone you've refused to help

Show quote history

Personally I would be feeling bad that harm came to them and they hadn’t felt able to reach out for help.

Oreosandmilk98 · 08/03/2023 23:53

You could also ask if he has been receiving his energy support scheme vouchers from his provider. £67 is the amount for the March voucher (I think this is the last one, they have been sent out since October) and he should have received it by now as it’s usually the first 7 days of the month, you can choose if to put it on gas or electric, redeemed at the post office

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:55

ijustneedanamefgs · 08/03/2023 23:52

Personally I would be feeling bad that harm came to them and they hadn’t felt able to reach out for help.

Show quote history

But I can't help every acquaintance with money troubles. I'm not his friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 08/03/2023 23:56

Oreosandmilk98 · 08/03/2023 23:53

You could also ask if he has been receiving his energy support scheme vouchers from his provider. £67 is the amount for the March voucher (I think this is the last one, they have been sent out since October) and he should have received it by now as it’s usually the first 7 days of the month, you can choose if to put it on gas or electric, redeemed at the post office

Thank you, will mention it to him.

OP posts:
Wisterical · 09/03/2023 00:02

Do you not think people should ask for help? What do you think he should have done?

Original poster
Xzxzxzxz · 09/03/2023 00:13

Wisterical · 09/03/2023 00:02

Do you not think people should ask for help? What do you think he should have done?

I don't think people should emotionally blackmail acquaintances.

I think he should've contacted the gas company/council/CAB before they closed for the day, or asked one of his actual friends or family if he could stay for a few days.

OP posts:
Saschka · 09/03/2023 00:14

I wouldn’t expect to see that money again, but I wouldn’t have lent it if I wasn’t ok with that. I agree not to give him any more unless you want this to be a regular thing

SoShallINever · 09/03/2023 00:21

Whatwouldyoudododo · 08/03/2023 21:56

Poor guy.
No I wouldn't be annoyed. We shouldn't be annoyed at people asking us for help, save your annoyance for the systems that keep people small and in need.
If it becomes a regular occurrence then he will need help signposting to a service that can help more long-term.

100% this.
You've judged him without giving him a chance to repay.