To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

What do people do if mothers and MILs don’t live locally and not near each other? Everyone saying DHs should go to their mums and wives to their mums with the kids, what happens if this isn’t logistically possible. Does that mean the MIL always misses out. What happens if this is a same sex couple which mother gets first dibs?

Would he do the same with Father's day?

She's answered that. More than once.

Are you serious? Have you read OP’s posts? Or can you not comprehend them outside your own experience? She has summed up the post with bullet points and still posters like you are still choosing to make out OP as being unreasonable for daring to keep with what was scheduled and not giving in to the manchild she married who is the only one who has an issue with this plan because his mother has chosen to be around this year.

Her MIL CHOSE to be away for the last few Mother’s Days. MIL CHOSE to spend the day how she wanted, away somewhere and her son not being able to see her which has nothing to do with OP nor is OP’s problem. OP’s MIL does what she wants and can do so and OP should not have to compromise due to MIL’s choices of being away the last few years when she had made plans with her own mother already before this came up and didn’t expect MIL to be around.

Don't get this obsession with an over commercialised day. I also get a bit despondent at how selfish the world is coming. Would it not harm to do alternate years or lunch with mil and then a different time of day with other mother.

I'm quite intrigued by the suggestion that they spend it all together (aside from the complicating factor of brothers not getting on.)

OP's MIL has six children. If all of their partners insisted that they lunch with both mums, it already becomes an unmanageable number. But then think of all the partners' siblings and their MILs... ridiculous!

People manage this in different ways. Some will see their respective parent separately. Some will alternate years. Some will celebrate on different days. If that works for you, great. I know for us that different days wouldn't always be practical; we have one son with a birthday close to Mother's Day, the other with a birthday close to Father's Day. Our mothers have birthdays a couple of days either side of Christmas.

Sometimes you have to celebrate occasions in a way that doesn't include everyone, and that's okay. You do it in the way that works best for your family, meets your priorities, and it sounds like this is a fair solution. You each see your own mother, you celebrate with your children, your MIL still sees the grandchildren later. YANBU.

(And yes, I only have sons, wouldn't be offended, love my MIL etc etc.)

Good point

But his mum is getting to see the person she is a mother to. Naturally his children will want and need to be with their mother on Mother's Day, as he is doing. Is it so hard to imagine that this is a day for the mother role to take priority not pleasing men or grandparents? They have to be considered most other days.

On FATHER'S Day, her partner will want to be with his father (and possibly presumably MIL will be there too) and he will have his children with him, as is appropriate. On that day, the OP will be with her father (and her mother presumably) but the children will be with their dad.

It's not a day to do turn about as that would leave a grandparent on their own and mum frantically racing around between people. Which defeats the purpose of mum being honoured.

Can you not let your hypothetical DIL have one day without a sour face? It works out fairly because fathers day is also a thing.

Tbh, it's pretty hit and miss whether or not MIL will even be in the country on any given occasion so she certainly wouldn't be tied down to alternating years.

If she feels she's missing out (she has never actually said this btw this has all come from my OH and his big strop) she is putting herself in that position by being all over the place. Which is fine btw, I envy her her lifestyle at times!

Well yes it would do harm - to me because I already had plans with my mother and would like to have lunch with her. As others have pointed out, none of us are forever for this world, make the most of your mum (if you have a good relationship) whilst you are lucky enough to have them around I say.

It's not an obsession but hey, I am not going to knock a day that celebrates mums, I'm all for it actually, the least most of us deserve.

Wow. Not even one day that a hard working mother can stop pleasing others. So misogynistic.

This thread is a wonderful demonstration of how selfish women can become as they get older and see themselves as the matriarch of the family. MIL is not changing the nappies and cleaning vomit off herself anymore; she has enjoyed many mother's days. Her DIL simply wants to be with her kids and her mum, to have one day to sit back and say, "I made it and I'm appreciated." You would take that one day and put burdens on her shoulders, even though her MIL has children who will be looking after her happiness and her MIL is not her responsibility. I have no doubt that you would be all about MIL and her precious son on Father's Day too, with bells on.

I would bend over backwards on any other day but if I encountered this attitude to me on mother's day, it would rankle because I would realise these people don't need me to consider their happiness-they'll take whatever they want and keep taking.

He suggested they take a child each to their kittens but OP didn't like that, when yer in a relationship ya have to tale yer partners family intl consideration too and not make it all about your family. What cause we have sons we should never see our grandkids on mothers day? Awa n shite

Her partner isn't asking her not to go, he is asking her to have lunch at his mums and visit her mum after as its always her Mum and not his Mum that gets to see the grandkids etc, not unreasonable for either to want to have lunch on mother's day with their mums and their kids. Unreasonable for it always wanting it to be her way and screw his Mum. Damn she wont even let him take ken fo the kids with him so his Mum can soend a mothers day with her grand child

@CrazyLadie - you are well named 🤣

I agree. And speaking as someone whose mum lives 200 miles away, it all sounds like petty playground squabbling to me. Having both mum and mil close enough to be able to see both in one day (it sounds from the OP that this is the case) really should be the end of any difficulties.

Thats even worse, so he has no opportunity to celebrate with his parents on mother's / fathers day and you begrudge sharing, that is horrid in so many ways

And then there’s me who dreads the day and needs tips on toxic mother, now grandmother

You have had your way for the last 2 years, and you think he is being unreasonable asking for 1 year!! The fact he only has one parent left as well, relationships are about compromise but you are 100% not willing to do that

Damn she wont even let him take ken fo the kids with him so his Mum can soend a mothers day with her grand child

Why does his mum need to spend Mother's Day with her grandchild? Surely her grandchild should spend it with their mum?

I dont really understand the hype of mothers day and the importance people put on this one particular day

See his Mother the following Sunday? Or
Saturday?

Again, it’s Mother’s Day, not “choose your favourite child” day or “grandparents day”. MIL can see the DC on any other day: let OP have her day, for heaven’s sake.

I have 2 takeaways from this thread:
~ The OP has the patience of a saint to calmly and repeatedly explain the situation over and over again.
~ Reading comprehension is a lost art.

I don’t even know where to start with this drivel. It’s Mother’s Day! Not grandparents’ day! So the children will want to be with their mum! How is that so hard to understand?

If you actually RTFT you would see that the children will see their other grandmother - after lunch!

But you get your dig in about being the mother of boys anyway

Nice summation ✔

His mother was away anyway!!!