To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

But we won't be around forever either. I lost my best friend a month ago, she was 40 and has two children. She wasn't one to miss anyone out on a day like this, but surely she deserved just as much fuss for being a wonderful mother herself? Her young children now have to face days like these without her, and this year, her Mum will be having her first without one of her children.

The point is that all three Mother's matter, and in the OP's scenario, all are being treated fairly.

And most people do compromise all the time with families. But Mother’s Day is ostensibly a day where OP, as a mother, gets to put her own needs and feelings first: and spend the day with her own mother, not someone else’s, and her children. MIL can see her grandchildren any other day of the year (barring the days she’s on cruises), why does she need to see them on a day that’s about her as a mother, not about her as a grandmother?

Whether you see in-laws as family or in-laws it doesn’t matter, whether they’re “one family” doesn’t matter; it’s not Family Day, it’s Mother’s Day. In OP’s scenario, everyone has a celebratory lunch with their mum, AND MIL sees her grandchildren later in the day. In her partner’s scenario, OP and her mum don’t get a celebratory lunch together, only MIL does. That’s not a compromise, it’s lunacy.

Let me guess, you didn't read the thread before posting did you? His Dad is dead, he spends it with his family, his children with him, at his Dad's grave. OP doesn't know her biological Dad, and so spends it with her step-dad. Alls fair in parents respectable celebration days.

Yes, and let's not act like they don't do lots fo family stuff, don't see MIL as a family either side of Christmas and lots of times during the year, or

But while they might be one family, MIL is not her mother. It's a little telling how keen people are to dilute Mother's Day and say 'it's all about family!!' rather than just allowing mothers to be the primary focus for their children for once.

1. It's Mothers Day, not Family Day.
2. When you are a mother (and apparently a woman generally) every bloody day is Compromise Day. Mothers Day should be a glorious exception where OP gets to put what she wants (lunch with her mother and children) ahead of what her DP would prefer without any huffing.

Your DH and MIL are being drama queens but I'd just see your mum on the Saturday, there's no law requiring it all to happen on Sunday

To be fair, it's not clear that any of this is coming from MIL or that MIL cares in the slightest. She's got a
lovely family lunch planned, her kids and some of her other grandkids there. MIL overall has come across as pretty cool and undemanding here.

That’s what we did too.

1. Lol and what is a “mother” exactly without a family? Surely that’s the whole point of Mother’s Day- to celebrate with family?
2. I disagree- If it were OP’s birthday- sure. but Mother’s Day isn’t just about OP, she’s not the only mother on the planet.

I mean a mother is a mother by default of being a woman and having children. It isn't dependent on anything or anyone else at all.

Mothers day is about celebrating mothers. They make it really easy by putting it in the name. It's one day where the mother doesn't have to compromise.

All, whether you or not you think the OP is being reasonable, it might be worth bookmarking this thread for next time you want to cite an example of someone posting on AIBU even though they’re already convinced that they are being reasonable AF and they’re prepared to tell you why.

• Lol and what is a “mother” exactly without a family? Surely that’s the whole point of Mother’s Day- to celebrate with family?
• I disagree- If it were OP’s birthday- sure. but Mother’s Day isn’t just about OP, she’s not the only mother on the planet.

Not the only mother on the planet, no, but the only mother her children will ever have, so of course it makes sense that they stay with her.

1. LMAO it's a day to celebrate with your Mother. It's literally there in the name.
2. At no point did OP or any other poster imply that she's the only mother on the planet. She is, however, the only mother of her children and she only has one mother herself. This is very basic stuff to grasp.

Lol and what is a “mother” exactly without a family? Surely that’s the whole point of Mother’s Day- to celebrate with family?
• I disagree- If it were OP’s birthday- sure. but Mother’s Day isn’t just about OP, she’s not the only mother on the planet.

JC this thread is like banging your head against a brick wall.

WHY do you think "the point" of Mother's Day is to celebrate with the whole family? Is it just because that's what you've always done? Because there's literally nothing to suggest that. The most obvious interpretation is that it's a day for children to celebrate their mothers.

And no, she's not the only mother on the planet, hence why all the other mothers are also seeing their kids. But she's the only mother to HER kids, so she's the only person that has any particular reason to see the kids on that particular day. Not either of the grandmothers, or her DH. It isn't any more complex than that.

It normally annoys me when posters do that, but the posters telling OP she is wrong are being so hysterical and illogical, and making her repeat the same information over and over that OP is right to ignore them. She posted to see if there was a reasonable reason to change her stance - and so far no reasonable alternative has been proposed that would work with her and DH's family set up. Her initial proposal remains the most reasonable solution on this thread.

but Mother’s Day isn’t just about OP, she’s not the only mother on the planet.
Just the least important one apparently, who should either not see her own kids on Mother’s Day, or alternatively, not see her own mother.

Please quote whichever post says that the OP shouldn’t see her children on Mother’s Day. Can’t seem to find that anywhere!

I tend to agree that she’s being reasonable.

I disagree that she ever doubted it.

We generally spend Mother’s Day with my partner’s mother (taking the children). I then nominate a second Mother’s Day for me, when we do what I want to do. (My mum is dead, so I don’t have to coordinate with anyone else on this).

Would this work for you?

Everyone is either a mother, or the child of a mother.

Therefore it’s a day of significance to
all family members, particularly to celebrate MIL, OP and OP’s mother.

Everyone is either a mother, or the child of a mother.

Therefore it’s a day of significance to
all family members, particularly to celebrate MIL, OP and OP’s mother

It's a day for their children to celebrate them, not everyone else.

MIL isn’t OP’s mother, nor is MIL the mother of OP’s children. The clue is in the name mother in law.

It's really super important that we don't centre peoples actual personal mother/child relationships in this, mothers might get the idea that they matter as individuals.

She’s their grandmother though, and her son is OP’s husband who doesn’t want to have to choose between his mother and wife and children on Mother’s Day

No idea where you get this idea 💁🏼‍♀️