To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

It's a testament to the batshittery of this thread that I actually had to read this through several times before my 'serious or not' compass adjusted properly 😂

Because I have spent the majority of my thread repeating myself to those who cannot be bothered to read my posts.

But who is going to compromise and cancel the Sunday? Assuming me?

This is what I was talking about further back, if you had already made plans with your mum when the invite came in from MIL of course you wouldn’t change your plans, it’s very bad form!

all this nonsense about MY day, MY children, ‘not DH &MIL day’ is completely irrelevant and makes you sound uncompromising. I think if you’d have mentioned that sooner you may not be being jumped on quite so much!

This thread is mental. Op u should see your mum on Mother's Day with your children. Your dh can see his mum. Then everyone is spending Mother's Day with their own child. It's a perfect solution. And Father's Day he can take the kids to see his dad and you can go and visit your.

@MangoPi apologies I haven't had time to read the full Thread, I'm taking a break from work. Why is the Sunday such a big issue? It's only one day, surely one of you can change to the Saturday?
I don't see my kids on Mother's Day, I'm not bothered at all by that, I can see them plenty of other occasions

OP, just give up, the majority of the posters are just ignorant muppets who can’t be arsed to read your posts.

You forgot to mention the bit about the poor old widow (MIL) only getting to see her grandchildren once every three years, on Mother's Day (because you won't let them visit at Christmas), weeping gently into a delicate lace handkerchief because your DP is her only child. But he can't come because you will keep him away from his children if he does.

Well, not forgot exactly, you said the complete opposite, but we all know you're lying because... (wait for it...) SELFISH!

p.s. You can be my DIL any time (as an extra, not a replacement for my excellent DIL and DIL-to-be).

I mean it's all covered in quite a bit of detail.

OP and her siblings have organised lunch with her mum on the Sunday. Big family event.

OP's MIL's family have subsequently organised a similar big family event for their family. Lots of people going, including other grandchildren.

There are members of both families who don't get on do a single event isn't a goer, even if it were logistically feasible.

Difficult as it may be, Mother's Day is for you, your Mum and your MIL. Try and spend a little time with them if you can. Try and find a little time for you too. Please remember that it will not be this way forever, sadly my Mum is no longer here, my first without her and my MIL is in a care home, we will visit her. My children will visit me at some point, we don't do meals out on Mother's Day and if they cannot make it for whatever reason I will see them another day. I am their Mum every day and am not precious about the single celebratory day each year and would not put them under pressure to see me as they are Mums and Dads themselves and have in-laws too. I know that they love me, care for me and appreciate me and that is enough.

@JassyRadlett thank you.
In that case I'd spend the morning with my kids and then send them with the other half and enjoy a gin and a peaceful lunch with my own mum.

Because it's not really relevant to me - I wouldn't of compromised on seeing my own mother on Mothers day, any more than I am expecting my OH to not see his, regardless of who asked first.

My mum is certainly not going to kick up a fuss because my OH is now not coming to our lunch and I didn't make him feel guilty for that so it pissed me off that he tried to guilt me and had a huge sulk about it.

Well, great, that's you. But OP really wants to have lunch with her kids. Given it's Mother's Day, that doesn't seem crazily unreasonable.

Not clear at all whether MIL is even slightly fussed about whether the grandkids are at her lunch. OP's husband will likely take the kids round to hers later in the day.

On MOTHER'S DAY the Mother wants to spend time with her kids and her own mum.
Her DH is going to his mother.

On FATHER'S day, he can spend the day with his children and his Dad. OP can go to her Dad if she prefers.

She is not being selfish by not centering her DH on mother's day.

She is not being selfish by not centering her MIL on mother's day, that's for her DH if he wants to.

Mother's day is literally a day NOT to be all about men.

Piss off with your ageism crap.

I'm a MiL. I'm pretty old for this site and I'm 100% behind the OP's perfectly reasonable suggestion for Mother's Day.

RTFT

This thread is amazing. You are so patient op with all these people who can’t read and have some hierarchy of mothers that puts you at the bottom below dads even!
i would start making some pointed comments about its lovely he will go out wiht his mum for Christmas lunch since he’d hate to miss Christmas with her, and that he will have to start practicing liking curry as he’s made it so clear time with his mum is THE MOST IMPORTANT thing. Sulks are very unattractive.

You've been brilliant on this thread OP. Have a large at that lunch with your mum and kids.

And happy IWD to "uncompromising" "selfish" mothers everywhere. You rock.

There's no wonder that on Mothers Day there are countless threads started by disappointed women, if they expect their children to spend the day 'celebrating their love for their mother'.
Personally I've always been happy with a card, not having to do anything i.e. cook and just generally been able to spend the day doing what I like.

YANBU

OP, Your first post was pretty clear if one has decent reading comprehension and didn’t just read MIL, Mother’s Day and gave up to reading the rest to immediately call you unreasonable because MILs were involved.

It is Mother’s Day and he could go see his mother without you. He knows he can and he is choosing not to. Sounds like he doesn’t want to be around his own mother and siblings alone which is not your issue nor problem to deal with.

His mother is quite content to do what she wants, when she wants so not sure why you cannot do the same and DH thinks you shouldn’t on Mother’s Day, a day about you as a mum. She chose to be away for the last two Mother’s Day (nothing wrong with that) which had nothing to do with you.

I would ask him to please explain why it’s ok for her to spend Mother’s Day how she wants but not for you and why he thinks you and your mum have to change your already made plans because his mother is around this time.

Same here. I've lived over 200 miles away from my mum since I was 19 and unless I happened to be visiting anyway, have sent a card/flowers and a phone call. My son will be home from university next weekend, but only because he and his girlfriend have plans with friends here, not because it's Mother's Day and I wouldn't have expected him to come home for it.

@glitterfarts bit tricky spending Father’s Day with his dad as his dad is dead

I have no skin in this game - my mum is dead and I have no kids (I know, why am I even here?!). But I'm utterly baffled that mumsnet has any debate at all about centering mums on mother's day. It's literally what the day is all about and it's one day out of 365.
It seems an utter no brainer that you spend the lunch celebrating your mum, your partner spends it celebrating his and your kids spend it celebrating their mum. And likewise their dad is centred on his day and grandparents can be on their day if that's a thing for you. Now when is cool aunties day....
Happy mothers day OP!

I have a feeling you dont seem to be able to see what your partner feels. You should work out together what to do so that you are both happy.
Plus I dont get the whole fuff about mothers day. You can spend any other day with your children.

Mothers Day - everyone spends with their mother, so you see your mother with your children, he goes to see his mother.
Fathers Day - everyone spends with their father, so he sees his father with the children, you go to see your father.

If Mother’s Day is meaningless, just a faff, then why the fuck should she cancel her plans and go see her husbands mother??