To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

This. You are being a bit obtuse OP.

Yabu, as he’s offered various solutions/ options , and he’s only asking for this one lunch based on the fact that most special occasions are spent with your side.
I think you are being quite selfish and uncompromising .

Spot on 👍

She clearly doesn't think so or she wouldn't be suggesting her DH takes the kids round to his mother's in the afternoon.

Maybe instead of the RD versions you should try reading full books? It might help.

She's wanting to spend the day with the grandparent who is there all year round, not the old soak who fucks off at the first pulling of an anchor.

That is why most occasions are with her side. If her mother wanted to spend her time with Captain Morgan and Johnnie Walker instead of her family, maybe OP would prefer to be with MIL, but she doesn't.

Spot on 👍

The OP's partner is taking them round in the afternoon 👍 (read the updates).

I have already answered the point about siblings, but I don't really understand why people keep asking me this.

I will reiterate. I have not suggested anywhere at any point that everyone should have a big celebration all together with OP's mother and her partner's mother. I don't know if something I have said has been interpreted in this way, but my own family has never done that and I can totally see why it would be unworkable for lots of people. But I am not arguing for that in any case.

My siblings and DH's siblings are irrelevant to what we do as a nuclear family on mother's day because they can either turn up to see the relevant set of parents or not. It doesn't change the fact that DH and I have (or had) two mums between us and we both want to honour them on mother's day. That could mean going to one in the morning and one in the afternoon, with or without any siblings present depending on their own family plans, or if doing both in one day wasn't practical then we would do alternate years to keep it "fair". Again, with or without siblings, it doesn't really make any difference.

As mother's day is essentially a day about family, I would find it a bit sad if DH and I went off in different directions that day to be with our respective mothers, but then, we each regarded the other's mum as our own family in any case. It's clear from this thread that, for some, they are not regarded as family, which helps me to understand a little more.

The OP has offered a compromise of a family get together with both grandmothers and the grandchildren but the MIL does not want that because the BIL would not attend. So the uncompromising person in this is the MIL.

As mother's day is essentially a day about family,
Why isn’t it called Family Day, then?

Anyone else see the irony in people criticising MIL for doing what she wants for Christmas and Mother's Day...?

No it isn't. Her DH wanted to go to his mum's at lunch and the OP's mum at teatime, but the OP didn't want to go to his mum's at all. She did later say that he could take the children to his mum's later if he wished.

This thread is utterly bizarre!
Mother's Day:
Children get to see their mothers and mum gets to decide the day

Father's Day
Children get to see their fathers and dad gets to decide the day

Grandparents day
Toss a coin and hope for the best!

I think the fact that the MIL does different things on these special days indicates that she doesn’t hold them in any great reverence as family occasions which is fine, you then can’t lay down the law on what happens when you eventually deign to show up when people have got used to celebrating those days without you.

Oh I’m reading alright.

If my dil came to visit me on Mothers day, with my Son, instead of her own Mother,I'd be very confused.

My Son visits me,dil with her 2 children, visit her Mother, so 2 Mum's together with their children.

I've never visited my mil on Mothers day, why would I, she's not my mum.

I always used to visit my Mum with my kids on Mothers day, so all Mothers with their children.

Where on earth did you get that from? Certainly not from me or my posts! Never once said I didn't want him to go to his mums!

You missed the bit where in going with this version, OP would be foregoing the lunch for her mother that they'd already organised with her siblings there as well.

It's curious, on other MN threads giving up a commitment for a later invitation is considered poor form.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves right there in my opening post

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

Oh I’m reading alright.

Worrying.

Christ I'm so pleased I don't have to do mother's day anymore and I'm a mother !

YANBU. He can see his mother, you see yours, your children see theirs.

I think you're being selfish it's all mother's days but your mum is more important than his and she can get to see you and the grandchildren yet again but his mum can't. Why can't you all have a celebration together? Why is your oh pushed out? Do you have a dad? How would you feel if it was the other way on father's Day?
I don't get the split the family up idea your a family celebrate both sides of it together

I've addressed everything in this post atleast once already

So many questions. So little reading.

All these have been answered by the OP.

Sorry, what's right there in your opening post? You said that you could go to yours and he could go to his? I haven't ever disputed that.

I was disputing the claim that you originally wanted to yours at lunchtime and his at teatime. My understanding was that you weren't planning to go there at all, though you were happy for him to take the kids. Have I misunderstood?

My son will be spending Mother's Day with me and I will want to see my mum too. DH can do whatever he wants!