To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

Wait so you’d have changed your plans if I random stranger on the internet pointed something out that you couldn’t have thought of yourself 🤣🤣 Ok

But MIL isn’t a mother in OP’s family, she’s literally an in-law.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Do you and your husband have siblings? Any grandmothers who are still alive? Are there adult nieces and nephews who have their own children in your family? Do you have any blended families within your family?

All of these are reasons why your way does not work for everyone and does not mean those who don't spend the day as you do, don't have close relationships with their whole family.

You're being very narrow in your view. One way does not fit all.

Am I the only one whose ideal Mother’s Day is to NOT spend it with my kids?? My husband is taking ours to see his mum and me and my mum are going for afternoon tea 2for1 cocktails!
I always laugh at how many dads are in the park with kids that Sunday morning, Father’s Day is all about quality time, mothers is about the lie in!!

Exactly! To have lunch altogether you not only have your DD's DH's DM there but also two or more of your DD's DH's DB's MILs there. That's in addition to your other children's spouses DMs as well!

And god forbid there's a hint of a blended family.

If my MIL wanted all her grandchildren with her on Mother's Day - we'd have to have DH's ex, and DH's ex's mother. and DH's ex's new MIL. PLUS DSD1's DH's DM.

I don't understand why you can't see one mum at dinnertime and the other at teatime.
Everyone wins

My mum hates my MIL so that would make your idea quite complicated!

My mothers days are always about my mil. Hosting, cooking etc. it pisses me off, but my mum lives abroad. Last year mil said “oh we forget overthinking is a mum too” as I was holding a baby while serving a pudding.

I love how the people who have an opposing argument assume that because we have a different opinion we must be mils …

Nope, I absolutely wouldn't of, I still wouldn't of changed my plans but I would of accepted my partners point of view more and not been so baffled by his massive sulk.

Also by this logic, no one would ever post on AIBU because every possible different view point would of already occurred to them, rendering the whole thing pointless no?

Mums/mother in laws aren’t going to be around forever so the focus of our Mother’s Day (weekend) is on them. We alternate each year which one we spend time with and make sure on the year off we see mum/mother in law on the Friday/ Saturday instead and make a big fuss of them.

His mom is as important as yours. Why can't you find a way to either split the time, or just celebrate YOUR motherhood that day, and just phone your respective mothers? Seems like you're just being super selfish to me.

please read my posts, come on

this...so much this.

Completely agree with this.

Also MD is 24 hours so all this "I want to spend it with my kids" is bullshit.

Unless you don't live with them how many hours do you need?

Let me guess...on Father's Day you also want to spend the whole day with your dad and don't give a shit about him or his dad?

Why would Grandmother's necessarily see their grandchildren on MOTHERS DAY?

Mothers Day is when people spend the day with their Mothers

So my husband spends the day with his mother

I spend the day with my Mother

The children spend the day with their Mother

And on Father's Day the same as above but with Father's

My MIL sees her son (my husband) but not her Grandchildren as they are spending the day with their Mother who in turn is with HER mother 🙄

I understand that it’s Mother’s Day and of course you want your children with you but would it really hurt just to let one of the children go with him and his mother for a family lunch?
Not having your kid to eat lunch with on Mother’s Day is hardly the end of the world is it.
Although I suspect your response to this will be “but it’s Mother’s Day” eye roll

I don't think you have read the thread properly.

His dad is dead and I don't know my bio father, but nice try, it pays to read atleast the OPs posts

Let me guess...on Father's Day you also want to spend the whole day with your dad and don't give a shit about him or his dad?

His dad is dead. You would know that if you'd bother to read even just the OP's updates.

I’d put money on this being the real reason. He wants his wife and kids there so he doesn’t actually have to make conversation with his mother.

OP, you’re doing nothing wrong. Your plan sounds entirely reasonable and logical. Maybe your DP could pick up the kids after lunch and take them over to see his mum and then you and your mum can have a cheeky cocktail.

Well, it came across to me that you were pushing the OP quite hard on having to include her MIL on the actual day in a very particular way which involved the OP having to visit her MIL on Mother's Day. And implying that it wasn't a very nice family if they couldn't do something altogether.

Siblings do matter as family groups are juggling multiple needs of mothers and MILs all competing for the same timeframe. You can't even just do alternate days if you have several siblings there will be competing needs for those days then too.

However, you've also just said:

However, I also don't think that mothers should only get one day a year when their needs matter. If you put sufficient priority on your own needs all year round, you don't really feel the necessity of having one day a year that is all about you.

Which is weird because that's exactly what the OP is doing - she is no way having a day ALL about her - she's facilitating her children's time with their own Mum, her own time with her own Mum, her DH's time with his own Mum and her children's time with DH's Mum. She's just indicated that on this one particular day of the year she's not also squeezing in time for herself with her MIL.

Maybe because I want to spend it with both my children? And they want to spend it with me?

And because MIL has 7 other grandchildren, at least 3 of which will be at the meal, and I don't see why I should change the plans I made with my mother (first I might add!) because MIL is actually here this year? And that actually, sometimes, just not wanting to do something and not being pressured and guilt tripped is enough?