Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

796 replies

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 17:10

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
MangoPi · 08/03/2023 19:47

And, sorry, as much as I get on with MIL, she isn't my mum. She's wonderful but so is my mum.

They both deserve to have their own children with them. And so do I actually

OP posts:
MrsMullerBecameABaby · 08/03/2023 19:47

TerribleInsomniac · 08/03/2023 19:38

Nothing to do with the OPs question
But as a bit of light relief
Thought some may be interested in the attached article on the history of Mothers Day / Mothering Sunday
I feel rather silly not realising the religious link to going to your “ mother’ church.

I think most people know this. The problem is that it's only been celebrated in the UK in its current form, with the human maternal parent as sole focus for 60 years or less (really as it is now for 40 years or so). The grandmother- mother of the youngest generation clash is a relatively new thing.

Most mothers of the youngest generation seem to be expected to center their own mother and/ or MIL, but the grandparents didn't necessarily do the same in their turn because it wasn't an expectation then.

amonsteronthehill · 08/03/2023 19:47

019203847user · 08/03/2023 17:34

Can you elaborate why you think it is selfish to want to spend mothers day with my children?

Are you seriously asking this question or being deliberately dense?

  1. Your partner is someone's child. His mother's. He would like to spend that day - maybe once in 3 years isn't unreasonable - occassionally with his mother.
  2. He is also the father of his own children. He would like to spend that day with his children and their own mother to take pleasure in seing his children experience mother's day.
  3. If you are insisting on your mother only and your children only, he gets deprived of what you get -every single year - time with his own mother and his own children. He doesn't get the joy of the mutual experience all together - he on the other hand is forced to pick one.
  4. Grandmothers are mothers too and his mother would probably also enjoy seeing not just her own child on mother's day but seeing her grandchildren too.

No one is saying it's unreasonable to want to see your mother and your children but why on earth to you have to exclude his mother. Either do something all together - or if you really don't want to mix his mother and your mother for whatever reason, then just for one fucking year throw him a bone and do something with your children and his mother. See your mother on the Saturday.

It is selfish and the fact you are so blinkered about it shows a serious lack of empathy. Imagine you had a son and his wife adopted your position every single year. Nice isn't it?

Please. MIL and her son can celebrate with his children on Father's Day then.

Mother's Day is mom's choice here, and she gets to take the children with her to spend the meal with her. And her mum. She is not stopping her husband from having lunch with his other mother; she's encouraging it in fact!

FKATondelayo · 08/03/2023 19:48

It's so depressing how many women on this site think that mothers must always put their own needs last.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 08/03/2023 19:48

For me, Mother's Day is about having a day where I can forget I'm a mum.

They can go to my mum or my MIL, I don't give a fuck, as long as I'm left alone.

Motheranddaughter · 08/03/2023 19:49

Always spend it with my Mum

Original poster
MangoPi · 08/03/2023 19:50

And also, MIL has 9 grandchildren, atleast 3 of which will be at this meal

OP posts:
wordler · 08/03/2023 19:53

FKATondelayo · 08/03/2023 19:44

The replies here are absolutely batshit to the point I think they cannot be serious. YANBU OP. On Mother's Day, do what you want which is to spend time with your children and your mother, not what your DH wants. (To be clear I am the mother of boys and get on better with my MIL than my mother).

We all spend the day together, my parents, dh parents and db family invited too. Lovely big gathering.

How would this work with my family then? We all spend Mothers' day together? Me, DH, our kids, both our mothers, our 3 sisters, their husbands and their kids. (Who all live across various parts of the country) And their exes and ex-MILs (who after all are grandmothers to the children and you can't exclude them). And what about my niece/nephews' partners and their mothers and any siblings they have? And their siblings partners. And THEIR mothers. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EXCLUDE ANY MOTHERS ON MOTHERS DAY.

This was the point I was going to try to make to the poster who insists that caring family only want to do something that includes everyone on the day. If you have big families that just isn't usually possible - even if you have inlaws which all get on.

The OP has mentioned siblings of her own and her DH so imagine a scenario with a couple with just two siblings on each side. If all siblings are married that's six mothers just at the grandparent level. If only the original couple and 1 sibling on each side has kids that's another three mothers in the mix. So now you have 9 mothers to consider. If all siblings have kids that's 11 mothers to consider.

A family party where everyone is together is potentially 27 people (and that's if each couple only has 1 kid each)

Even if the OP want to try to split the day between their own DM and MIL - how to do the other four couples manage the split of their various DMs and MILs across that day.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 08/03/2023 19:56

I do get what you're saying and thats perfectly logical and totally acceptable, but, and I know it's NOT grandmother's day , but I can see his mum could be upset that your children that although celebrating with their mum, also gets to do it spend it with their other grandmother.
Personally we did 2 visits spending a couple of hours with each family. This is my first without my mam and I'm so pleased I've got my mil still.

PurpleEmpress · 08/03/2023 19:57

It is Mothering Sunday not Mothers Day so on that basis YABU.

As to the rest MIL can do one

bussteward · 08/03/2023 19:58

FKATondelayo · 08/03/2023 19:48

It's so depressing how many women on this site think that mothers must always put their own needs last.

And on the one day of the year when they’re expressly not meant to!

Cloudhoppingdancer · 08/03/2023 19:58

This thread really highlights the ageing demographic of mumsnet imo. Lots of MILs with completely unrealistic expectations mapping personal grudges onto a scenario where the op is actually blameless.

Newsflash for all the bitter MILs on this thread... The OP is not your daughter in law. You can all stand down. It's not grandparents day and no one is going without seeing their children (as there's no cruise this year and the poor neglected MIL in question has nothing better to do, obviously).

Nuts.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 19:59

FKATondelayo · 08/03/2023 19:48

It's so depressing how many women on this site think that mothers must always put their own needs last.

I certainly don't think that mothers must always put their own needs last. However, I also don't think that mothers should only get one day a year when their needs matter. If you put sufficient priority on your own needs all year round, you don't really feel the necessity of having one day a year that is all about you.

Dumbo18 · 08/03/2023 20:00

Why bother posting if you’re adamant you’re not being unreasonable?

Bellie710 · 08/03/2023 20:00

This is why I hate Mother's day, some of the comments on this are absolutely bat shit. Mothers day should be up to the mother to do exactly what she wants not what other people want her to do. Enjoy your lunch with you kids and your mum.

FKATondelayo · 08/03/2023 20:00

wordler · 08/03/2023 19:53

This was the point I was going to try to make to the poster who insists that caring family only want to do something that includes everyone on the day. If you have big families that just isn't usually possible - even if you have inlaws which all get on.

The OP has mentioned siblings of her own and her DH so imagine a scenario with a couple with just two siblings on each side. If all siblings are married that's six mothers just at the grandparent level. If only the original couple and 1 sibling on each side has kids that's another three mothers in the mix. So now you have 9 mothers to consider. If all siblings have kids that's 11 mothers to consider.

A family party where everyone is together is potentially 27 people (and that's if each couple only has 1 kid each)

Even if the OP want to try to split the day between their own DM and MIL - how to do the other four couples manage the split of their various DMs and MILs across that day.

Show quote history

I know right?

I have 32 first cousins so lucky to be brought up in an environment where it wasn't expected FAMILY always do everything together and that everyone must get on. It just wouldn't be feasible.

I never spend mothers day with either MIL or DM. I live 100s of miles from both and Sunday my kids play football for 4 hours so it's watching them - then the pub!

bussteward · 08/03/2023 20:01

Hesma · 08/03/2023 19:37

You’re being selfish… all go for lunch together

Aside from the obvious problems here, both that OP has explained there are members of the two families that don’t get along, but also that you’d need a limitless restaurant for everyone’s mothers and MILs and partners’ mothers and MILs as infinitum, what if OP’s mum doesn’t want a random lady at her own Mother’s Day lunch?

sandyhappypeople · 08/03/2023 20:02

Not necessarily, the reason I mentioned timings of invite is if the invite from MIL came in AFTER I’d arranged to go out for lunch with my own mother, I’d have declined for us as a family straight away & DH would agree as we’d already made plans, we’d have arranged to see MIL earlier or later instead as a family, as why should you have to change plans you’ve already made with your mum? That wouldn’t be fair on her.

But it’s not clear from your postings if that’s the case so it’s hard to say exactly, all I’m saying is there’s lots of compromises and it all depends on the various factors.. in my mind it shouldn’t be decided by one person just because it’s ‘your’ day, you’re a family and a team, and if there’s a solution that suits everyone without anyone else losing out, then what’s the harm in that?

Booooot · 08/03/2023 20:02

Am I the only one who’s ideal Mother’s Day is to NOT spend it with my kids?? My husband is taking ours to see his mum and me and my mum are going for afternoon tea 2for1 cocktails!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 20:02

wordler · 08/03/2023 19:28

How many married siblings do you and your husband have?

Show quote history

I have one married sibling. DH had 5 but he has lost all three brothers now and his sisters are both widowed. But it's irrelevant now in any case as his mum has passed away.

I don't really get why it makes a difference in any case. I'm not one of those people advocating that everyone should celebrate together. I'm more I'm favour of alternating, either within one day if it's possible or from year to year if not.

What siblings do in that scenario is neither here nor there.

Original poster
MangoPi · 08/03/2023 20:02

Dumbo18 · 08/03/2023 20:00

Why bother posting if you’re adamant you’re not being unreasonable?

I was fairly certain I wasn't, then my partner started guilt tripping me.

Wondered if I was missing anything - no poster has convinced me otherwise, so of course I stand by my position.

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 08/03/2023 20:03

I can't believe some of the replies on here. Why are people accusing OP of selfishness?
OP wants to spend Mother's Day with her mother. She would also like her children to spend MD with their mother, ie with her.
She's happy for her husband to spend MD with his mother. In the past he's tagged along with OP because MIL had chosen to do other things and hasn't been free.
All sounds very reasonable and balanced/fair so far.
OH is grumpy because he wants OP to come with him to MILs so she can see kids and OP too. OP can't do this as she is otherwise engaged and will have the kids with her (as she is their MOTHER)
I suspect that OH doesn't really enjoy going to his mum's alone and having OP and children there 'oils the social wheels'.

I don't know the situation with dad's but I'd imagine on Father's day OP will call in to see her dad. She'll also make a fuss of OH on behalf of kids. If OH wants to see his dad she'll join him with the children too....because it's FATHERS Day!

beAsensible1 · 08/03/2023 20:04

LikeTearsInRain · 08/03/2023 17:47

Ah so all grandmothers through their son shouldn’t see their grandchildren on Mother’s Day, just their son. But if you have a daughter expect to see her and your grandchildren every year without failure.

Very kind.

Well it would be nice if you can but, you're not their mum so you might not.

stayathomer · 08/03/2023 20:04

And it's true most families do celebrate with the daughters family not their sons.
How shit for women who have boys!!!!! (I have four, better get ready to buy myself a giant tub of ice cream for that day in the future😅)

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/03/2023 20:04

bussteward · 08/03/2023 19:31

That it’s not about mothers?

Show quote history

No, of course it is about mothers. But it isn't just about me as a mother and what I want to do, it's about honouring all of the mothers in our family.

I don't see it as a day when I have a license to be selfish.