To want to spend Mother's day with my children and my own mother?

[MangoPi]

Hello,

As the title says really...partner is not happy that I have declined invitation to his mum's lunch on mothers day in favor of going out for lunch with my own mother.

He says we have seen my mum the last 2 years...this was only because his mum was not about though, not because he has chosen not to see him mum. He also says we spend most Christmases with my mum (we see his mother on Christmas eve and boxing day - again this is because his mum goes out for Christmas, normally for a curry and then gets drunk, nothing against this but my partner doesn't like curry lol so never wants to do this!)

He then suggested I take one of our children to the lunch with my mum and he takes the other to his mums lunch. My point is, it's 'Mother's' day and they are both my children and I would like to spend it with my own mother and my children.

I don't understand why it's a problem - I said you go to the meal with your mother and siblings, I will go to lunch with my mother and my own siblings.

He is really not happy about this and thinks me and the children should just see my mum later on in the day and go for the meal with his side. It's annoying me because it is mothers day - MIL as much as we get on is not my mother, I wish to see my own mum.

It doesn't matter to MIL though because most years she is on a cruise. Likewise Christmas she does her own thing. So the OPs DH can't demand that she goes to the lunch because his Mum happens to be available.

I can't believe some of the responses on here.

OP, YANBU. Your DH is being totally unreasonable. It is Mother's Day, not Father and MIL Day or Father and Grandmother Day. Your plan makes perfect sense - as it is Mother's Day, you get to decide how to spend it - with your mum and your DC. Your DH can spend it with his mum. But he is completely batshit if he's making you feel guilty for wanting to spend Mother's Day with your mum and your own DC (who you are a mother to). How is it that your DH can't understand the concept of Mother's Day?

No, but the multiple people commenting saying OP wants to stop her MIL seeing her own son on MD are pretty dense.

It's been said over and over by the op in her post and in comments she suggested for him to go for lunch with his mum. Lots of people have really poor reading comprehension.

My husband is one of 4, and I am one of 2. By some of the logic here this would be an almighty gathering every year.

Excuse me for butting in (as a mother of 4 sons, with one DIL and another "on the way" 😁, I hope I may be permitted the liberty), but are we actually aware of how this poor little old lady, who sounds anything other than poor or for that matter old with the cruises and boozy curry Christmases and, what, 6 children is it?!, feels about the whole thing? I believe we only have the DP's view on whether it is fair on her not to have lunch on the day with the whole brood. Quite possibly she isn't that bothered. It does seem they've built in some grandchild meeting time so she won't miss out on them. It's their Dad who has expressed a "thing" about them all lunching together.

I have to say OP's MIL sounds quite a formidable character. One to be more admired than pitied, I feel. Not all grandmothers live alone in the forest, waiting for their younger female relatives to bring wine and cake and hoping the wolf doesn't get there first. The best kind make their own wine and cake, scare the wolf to death and shag the woodcutter. That's what I'd like to grow up to be. (I'm 64 now so I probably have time.)

How is it that your DH can't understand the concept of Mother's Day?

I'm guessing that he just has a different concept of mother's day. I know I do.

Great, but that wasn't me who commented any of that.

Honestly MIL is a character, certainly not a frail poor little lady, she lives her life and fair play to her.

Partner has chilled out a bit. Said he just assumed I would be coming as well and was disappointed I wasn't. Which is nice that he wants us all together, he has since said meeting up after is fine. So, hopefully, no more drama around it all!

How many married siblings do you and your husband have?

It's just a day like any other day. You've got a mother and kids, celebrate it all different days if you must. But it's just a day.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Another supporter of your thoughts here!!

That it’s not about mothers?

And as I said that's really lovely 😊 I genuinely wasn't intending to antagonise. I was only pointing out it's not always possible, and that there's not a right or wrong way to celebrate.

Presumably the problem is that everyone wants the youngest generation with them.

Each adult with a surviving mother can see their mother, but one of those adults is in a duel role as she is also a mother. The grandmothers want not only their children but also grandchildren to spend the day with them, but this clashes with the OP's wish to be with her children on mother's day.

Honestly mother's day hasn't been celebrated in it's current form in the UK for all that long

My mother only used to phone her mother on mother's day, not send presents bor visit. The day was about her.

However she still expected her daughters to spend the day pampering her (cooking for her or taking her out, bringing presents, spending the day doing things she liked), and to bring their children along once they were mothers.

My mil also expected the grandchildren present, which created a clash of grandmothers and no mention of the mothers of the grandchildren except in their daughter/ daughter in law roles.

In some cases mothers day seems to belong very specifically to one generation of mothers, with their daughters groomed to remain in daughter mode on mother's day no matter how many children they themselves have...

You’re being selfish… all go for lunch together

This thread is wild.

YANBU OP.

It's Mother's Day.

This will be my 5th without my mum. My DP is very welcome to spend as much of his day with his mother as he likes, but I don't go. Equally, he can take the kids for an hour or so, but they will spend the majority of the day with me, as it's Mother's Day, and I am their mother.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you have planned. I'm glad your DH is seeing that now.

Nothing to do with the OPs question
But as a bit of light relief
Thought some may be interested in the attached article on the history of Mothers Day / Mothering Sunday
I feel rather silly not realising the religious link to going to your “ mother’ church.

dual not duel... although perhaps there might be a duel...

I have already explained why this isn't doable.

If you are going to accuse me of being selfish please read my posts,

some of our siblings do not get a long, never have, likely never will. MIL would not accept one of her sons not being there just so that I can be. Which is what it would come down to if a joint meal was suggested. Not on my behalf, but my BIL - him and my brother do not get on at all, it would ruin the whole day.

I find this post really selfish. Mother's day is about mothers and their children, not dh watching his children enjoy their mother! It's the one day where a hard working mum doesn't have to think about anyone else beyond their own mum and gets to feel special with her children. Her dp should be thinking of how he can make the day special for his mum and supporting the kids to make or buy gifts for his wife, not whining about what he wants.

You must have a very spoilt man!

The replies here are absolutely batshit to the point I think they cannot be serious. YANBU OP. On Mother's Day, do what you want which is to spend time with your children and your mother, not what your DH wants. (To be clear I am the mother of boys and get on better with my MIL than my mother).

We all spend the day together, my parents, dh parents and db family invited too. Lovely big gathering.

How would this work with my family then? We all spend Mothers' day together? Me, DH, our kids, both our mothers, our 3 sisters, their husbands and their kids. (Who all live across various parts of the country) And their exes and ex-MILs (who after all are grandmothers to the children and you can't exclude them). And what about my niece/nephews' partners and their mothers and any siblings they have? And their siblings partners. And THEIR mothers. BECAUSE YOU CAN'T EXCLUDE ANY MOTHERS ON MOTHERS DAY.

@lipstickwoman
I think OP is saying MIL has made alternative arrangements on last few mother's day and Xmas.

To me it would depend on a few factors, including the scale of each lunch, and, more importantly, who made the arrangements first. It sounds like MIL has arranged a large lunch for various family members. Whilst your lunch is low key (could be wrong though).

My mum has passed on but if it was us it would be a case of who asked first, and how large the event was, but either way, I’d be inclined to go to MIL for the family lunch as that couldn’t easily be changed to another activity and ask my mum to come up to mine for a breakfast or go out in the afternoon/evening or in the week afterwards..

there’s SO MANY solutions to this problem and there’s ALWAYS a compromise if you care enough to find it.. nevermind all the ‘this it’s MY day’ ‘MY children’ ‘not MIL & DH day’ nonsense.

YOU are digging your heels in unnecessarily and making this a problem, not your DH, each to their own and all that but I hope it’s worth it.

Yes, they are, and she can spend time with her son as the OP is suggesting.

Everything in your post is making it up to me to compromise, besides, me and partner have since talked and smoothed it over