To think my parents should help me out with this?

[Nicecuppaplease]

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

My parents had me and my toddler move in with them for 18 months when my relationship broke down and I was trying to buy a home; their support was invaluable and I would do the same if my son was ever to need me.
Whatever your parents’ reasons, I can’t imagine not wanting to make someone’s difficult situation a little easier. I would feel upset in your situation especially as you are doing everything you can to try to deal with the situation independently.

I keep re-reading this because it's so close to my experience. No help, no care, no recognition of my needs (I don't ask for help more than once a decade, I am very self-sufficient) and when I was rushed to hospital with a life-threatening illness, my dad was 'too busy' to call - during the week I was admitted or the weeks afterwards. In fact he never asked me how I was. But he is also somewhat bemused and not being 'close'. I think he is a taker TBH. He wants the benefits without any of the 'effort'. But life doesn't work like that. Every time you act like this, we get less and less close. I probably won't cut him out of my life but I think of him as of so little importance in my life that I sometimes have to remind myself he's still alive.

@Intergalacticcatharsis

disgraceful attitude

Perhaps they have done all the years of bending over backwards for their dc and now it is their time?
The amount of posters that would be happy to respond with emotional blackmail when they don't get their own way is incredible but does explain a lot.

Whose responding with emotional blackmail? I didn't see any of that. Natural consequences are not emotional blackmail. People are saying you have to accept their decision but of course it has consequences for the relationship.

This isn’t an emergency (in which case I’d agree it would be poor of them to refuse). And even though you are going through heartbreak at the moment (and I’m really sorry about your break up) it is still a massive ask and not one that seems, other than its potential impact on your bank balance, like a good solution from what you’ve said.

It’s an undefined length of time but likely months, possibly a year or more. You’re talking about 3 adults and 2(?) children in a small 3 bed that has been housing just two adults for a significant amount of time. Using your behaviour from 15 years ago as justification is, of course, ridiculous, but I think it shows how anxious they are about the potential for this to go seriously wrong. You say you don’t really get on with them that well. I’m sure they know this too and can see the potential for a miserable time for everyone and permanent damage to your relationship from being in close quarters for months.

If you're planning on buying this really throws a spanner in the works as long term rents are a for a min 12 month lease and short term let's are excruciatingly expensive.

So much so that it's very typical for adult children regardless of income or circumstance to move in with partners between a lease ending and buying.

*parents

They don't HAVE to help you. I am very unimpressed that they do not WANT to help you. I would find somewhere to rent and then probably shove my relationship with them up their ass.

You know what? No. It's not an attitude, it's a natural consequence. If I can't turn to someone for help? Okay, fair enough, I won't rely on them. We don't have that kind of relationship. But if I can't rely on them, I'm going to be busy sorting things out for myself and my child. I'm not going to go out of my way to nurture and Foster a relationship. And yes I wouldn't consider myself obligated to help them later. We don't have that kind of relationship.

I think it is quite selfish to expect your elderly parents to have their lives turned upside down because you want to save some rent. You are a grown up, with your own child and need to get on with your own life and let your parent get on with theirs.

What a shameful response. They cannot accommodate you for a short period until you are sorted - that's rubbish. Let's hope they don't need your assistance in the future. Best served cold!

My mum would have been the same , it would be difficult with a toddler though.

I'm not surprised that your parents weren't jumping for joy at the thought of their daughter and grandchild moving in but I am astonished that they have refused to have you. That's harsh.

Never the less, that doesn't mean that you are without fault. It's clear from your update that you think you can move in and take as long as you like to find a property because "you don't want to rush into buying a home." Well that is unreasonable and with that attitude you're likely to still be there a year later while you half heartedly house search and insist on finding the perfect home. If I heard that as a grandparent I'd be thinking that you'd never move out because the perfect house at your price point probably doesn't exist. You really have to drop the idea that you don't want to rush into buying a house, bite the bullet and just get on with it.

Just remember this when your parents need help in the future and treat them the same way they treat you

I think many grandparents wouldn't want young grandchildren living with them. We stay a week with my parents and tbh they are tired by the end of the week.

I would do it through gritted teeth, DD is still a terror at 3, god knows what manic hulk toddler she’ll produce herself. However she’s still my child and I wouldn’t want her wasting money on rent and we could help with childcare so she could work. Time limit may be helpful though.

It is a bit shit of them. It would be nice if they could help you with this. Let’s hope they don’t need your help in the future.

So very sorry this has happened OP. I cannot imagine doing this to my son or daughter in a million years. Hope you do find support, wishing you all the best.

This is one of those situations where I think "what's the other side of the story?".

There's nothing in OP's post to indicate that her parents are unfeeling or selfish. She doesn't indicate that their relationship has been 'problematic' in the past. So the parents dragging up something stupid like 'you didn't bring your dishes down' seems to say to me that there is some other reason why they don't want to offer OP a temporary home. Something they don't want to discuss or are afraid to bring up. It makes me wonder whether there has been something in the past (real or imagined) where her parents have felt 'taken advantage of', and OP either isn't acknowledging it, feels it was acceptable, or 'no big deal'.

It could also be something that OP isn't even aware of, like a nightmare scenario with one of her parent's friend's child moving home and taking advantage of them. If one of their friends is finding their life disrupted by demands for childcare and an adult child not pitching in, I can see where it might make them hesitant.

I moved home for about 5 months with DS1 (then 3 yo) when DH was working away at a new job. We wanted him to get through the 'trial' period before we uprooted and moved 10 hours away. It was very easy to slip back into the 'child' role with my mum doing more for me and DS than she should have. I didn't ask for it, it just seemed to happen and we both started feeling the 'friction' of neither of us being in our 'proper role'. Mum and I had to 'pull ourselves up' and get back into our proper roles, that of mum (me) and granny (her).

I would never turn my kids or grandkids away from my door, no matter how much of a squash or inconvenience it may be.
Your parents sound horrible op, sorry.

Well let’s hope you don’t remember their generosity when they get to the age when they need your care.

I've told both my young adult DC that my home will always be their home any time they need it. You never stop being a parent. My own parents have done the same for me and consequently I will happily do anything I can to help them.

Well let’s hope you don’t remember their generosity when they get to the age when they need your care

presumably they cared for the OP for a minimum of 18 years? maybe more? when do they get to live their lives, for themselves? few people would argue that they should feel obliged to provide childcare or any other support, so why should they have to do this? I am not sure any adult who has raised their children should feel guilted into doing something for those now adult children for fear of not receiving support in their twilight years. It's quite the threat you are making there. And really quite unpleasant.

It's not a threat, it's just what is when you're not there for others. The 18 years of childhood is neither here nor there.