To think my parents should help me out with this?

[Nicecuppaplease]

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

Personally I could never imagine turning away an adult child in a situation like this, in fact my husband would probably recommend they move in ASAP so we could support them emotionally and help with the baby; But everyone is different. My parents died when when I was a teen so I know exactly what it’s like without parental support for any stage of adult life and I only have empathy for you OP. How has your relationship been with them otherwise? Do you get on in general?

I'm so sorry, OP. Yes, it probably is the fear of having to live with a toddler now that they have been able to enjoy such a quiet life, but that is really rough for you.

I can honestly say yes, I would in a heartbeat for my family.

Yes. We offered this to my mum at the end of her life. We were setting up care in our home and rearranging the place. It could have been many months until the end. My dad who won't help me at all? No. He's not welcome.

That's really sad op. My parents have always welcomed me and my children back with open arms at any point. My grown up son moved in with them recently when we weren't getting in. In fact my dad is always devastated when we have to move out.

Sorry that you are in this difficult circumstance. I would say having at times flakey family myself it would be nice if they helped but they don't have to and if they don't want to would not be nice for you so I would start to make other plans which may well be lovely in the end. One thing I learnt every time my family weren't really around is how to live without them and it's odd now that after not being around for hospitalised children, not being around for pregnancies, forming covidbubbles without any consideration or even breaking it gently they expect the relationship to be the same and seem surprised that for instance I wouldn't be prepared to go on holiday together. We are friendly, still care but have moved beyond being angry and in that I but don't need them now and will never forget it. There is a lot I don't even tell them now as its quite a shallow relationship truthfully for me, that is not want they want I think but where we are, can't have your cake and eat it. I used to be sad and want them to change but not any more. You will find the strength 💪 and in the meantime be as kind as possible to yourself.

That's a shame, sorry they're being like that. Of course they should help you. Just remember this when they're in their dotage. 💐

This.

My parents are dead now so moving in with them is never going to be an option, but I don’t think I’d have asked anyway (unless there were extreme circumstances like I was about to be made homeless/had a violent partner/had a serious illness etc). My folks had the space in their home for more people, but I would have felt it was an imposition to ask such a big ‘favour’.

When my kids were small, our house was a bit of a wreck despite our best efforts. All our furniture was cheap and second hand because we were skint, but I was glad we didn’t have expensive stuff because things got scratched and scuffed and broken from time to time. Drinks got spilt on carpets and sofas etc. It’s hard to be houseproud with toddlers around. Older couples are perhaps more likely to have spent time and money furnishing their homes to their liking and are enjoying the fruits of their decades of hard work.

I wouldn’t want a toddler living with me now and I’m 45. Can’t imagine I’ll be any more keen by the time I’m 60 or so.

I would of course offer help in an urgent situation, but would otherwise be reluctant.

DD1's father moved back into his parents' house when we split. He finally moved out aged 43, having moved in 2 longterm partners, one with two children of her own, then the woman who became his wife and their two children.

He just refused to leave once he was back.

Of course, would you not be happy?

My mum has moved in at various times when she's had renovations done at her house (to make it more suitable for her reduced mobility).

His poor parents!

I wonder if they are worried that you could be there for ages, especially if you're hesitant to rent?

We moved in with our in-laws for 3 months between houses but we had a mortgage agreed and were actively looking for a home. They encouraged us to sell and be no-chain going forward so things were easier (we were moving across country).

Really sorry to hear this, on top of the stress of the break-up. I had a distant and not easy relationship with my parents (both now dead - and I regret not having tried MUCH harder with them now that it's too late). But they wouldn't have hesitated for a second to hav eme move in with them if I needed to, at any time.

I haven't read the full thread so apologies if anyone else has suggested this: might it help if you drew up some ground rules for moving in? A sort of contract? And made it fixed-term, such that if you aren't able to move into a purchased house by the deadline, you move into rented?

Thank you everyone for the perspectives, in answer to a few questions, there is no back story as such, my DM and I didn’t get on particularly well when I was a teen but it wasn’t because I was badly behaved or did anything I shouldn’t do, more because we differed in our opinions of the direction my life should take, she still struggles to accept that her opinion can be different from mine on things and that’s okay.

It may be that we can time the sale of our home perfectly with me buying a new one and this will all be a moot point but as it stands, there are not many suitable properties on the market in our area and I don’t want to rush into buying a home because of our situation so just thought I’d float the idea with them rather than surprise them with it further down the line.

Rent is extortionate in the area and I’d really struggle, I definitely can’t dip into savings or money from the house sale as I will need every penny of it to go towards an onward purchase, I’m not being “cheap” as one poster suggested, I just want to remain financially stable and not end up in a position I find it difficult to get out of.

Although it would perhaps be an indeterminate amount of time, I would be putting utmost effort into finding a new home, I realise it’s not ideal for them or for us and wouldn’t want to prolong it anymore than necessary.

Of course wouldn't you?!

I have housed, supported and nursed my beloved Dad through various illnesses and crises. He would do anything for me, as well. That's normal!

When my mother was between houses we put up with her for a very long and stressful 6 months.
When XH and I separated she wouldn't let me stay with her as "She was old" yet was willing to let him stay.

I think your parents are being unreasonable. Like I told my mother, they should be supportive.

You sound quite pushy and demanding (thread title alone), so I’m not surprised your parents are hesitant to house you and your children.

There’s nothing wrong with having to rent for a few years but apparently, you’re too good for that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What parent wouldn’t bend over backwards to help their child?

A pretty crap one is the answer.

There’s no way I would have my DD and GC paying rent whilst looking for a new home. Not a chance. Even if I didn’t relish the mess and disruption.

Sod that. I'd take it really personally and would be seriously rethinking my whole relationship with them. I am so sorry your parents are unwilling to help you. Good luck for the future.

This. There's no way I'd let my DC face financial ruin by paying extortionate rent.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow my mother is the answer!

She did nothing to help me as "I'd brought shame on her" by getting divorced. She would have loved me to fail miserably on my own and would have enjoyed laughing in my face.

I can’t imagine not helping my dc out in a situation like yours.
You must be feeling incredibly hurt.
I hope you come out of this stronger than ever before.

Yip me too. My mum was pretty awful but I can’t imagine treating my daughter like that.

As others have said, your parents are technically within their rights to refuse, and at the same time you'll be within your rights to be too busy to facilitate grandchild access and to let them fend for themselves when they're older.