Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my parents should help me out with this?

253 replies

Nicecuppaplease · 08/03/2023 13:54

I am currently going through a separation, I don’t want it personally so am devastated and heartbroken about it all and not in a good place.

We have a toddler together. Both mine and his parents live close to us now, both reasonably close to our parents and both sets absolutely dote on DC. DP is going to stay with his parents until our home sells and I am going to stay in our home with DC until then.

I approached my own parents about the possibility of moving in with them with DC for a (hopefully) short amount of time once our home sells if I have not found anywhere else to buy by that time, they are aware that I would be happy to financially contribute in any way they see fit and would not be expecting free child care or help with DC etc.

The reason I asked is to hopefully minimise the amount of upheaval for DC and to not waste fortunes on rent that I will have nothing to show for.
My parents are dead against it, say their home is too small (they live in a modestly sized 3 bed, not big but not small) and have bizarrely stated that I refused to follow their rules re nor bringing down my plates from bedroom when I last lived there (as a very young adult over 15 years ago)

I am very respectful of homes of others, would have no issue following the house rules of anyone I stay with or visit, and work full time so wouldn’t be there hanging round all the time.
AIBU to think that most parents of adult children would help them out in this scenario? Especially when they are aware that it is transpiring to be the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to go through and I’m feeling extremely low about it all. I feel incredibly hurt and sad that my parents have this stance and I don’t quite know how to move forward as I feel so upset with them.

OP posts:
DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

Topseyt123 · 08/03/2023 16:45

FrodisCapering · 08/03/2023 16:30

@Topseyt123 it sounds like our parents have read the same playbook. I also needed help with childcare to go to a former partner's mother's funeral (nothing dodgy, we split years ago and are friends).
My mum's response was "how well did you know her? There's no need for you to be there. I am not babysitting."
So cold.

Yes, it is very cold. I was very icy with them for several weeks afterwards despite their efforts to make conversations by phone as if nothing had happened.

I think they did feel extremely guilty although they didn't ever admit it. The next (and final time ever) that I needed any help was six months later when I needed to go into hospital for surgery. I decided to give them a chance to redeem themselves as things had been icy between us for a while, they and I had been frightened by me becoming ill and I wondered if it could thaw. They agreed to come down immediately, and they actually did a lovely job of caring for the kids. I know it was a guilt offering, and I will always remember their reaction from just months previously though. That is a memory of them that I really wish I didn't have but I do.

DarkDarkNight · 08/03/2023 16:46

I can’t imagine my parents saying that, or me doing that to my son in the future. I think they are being unreasonable. Maybe they are scared you will outstay your welcome, or worried about all your possessions - if you tell them you will be aiming to move out as soon as possible and will be using a storage facility for your things maybe it would make a difference.

It is their house though, maybe even though they site on your son they feel it would be too much for them. I would be annoyed, but wouldn’t want to stay somewhere I wasn’t welcome.

LeatherSkirt82 · 08/03/2023 16:47

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

I don't think that's the same at all. My child didn't ask to be born - I wanted her, I made the decision to bring her to her world and her wellbeing will never stop being my utmost focus and desire. Even when she's adult. Even if she makes mistakes. Even if it means taking in her, her partner, three toddlers and 5 dogs or whichever combination there is.

But to answer your question - yes, I would be willing for my own or DH's elderly parents to move in for a temporary but undisclosed period because I know them and I trust that they would work hard to get back to their independent lives asap.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 16:50

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

Definitely!

I’d actually be more willing to do it if this was the case.

I wouldn’t want my elderly parents having the stress of moving to a completely new place temporarily.

I assume you wouldn’t have your parents stay with you?

Kabalagala · 08/03/2023 16:50

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

It's not really the same though is it. OP isn't just wanting to save some money. She's going through a relationship breakup and losing her home. If my parents lose their home of course they'd be welcome for a while.

RunTowardsTheLight · 08/03/2023 16:50

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

Yes, definitely, for a temporary period while they looked for something permanent.

Changechangechanging · 08/03/2023 16:51

I moved in with my mum with my children for a very short period when my marriage broke down. It was surprisingly difficult for both of us and although we managed to keep talking through the difficult stuff, I did worry about our relationship for a while. I can imagine being torn if my adult children wished to come home. If your parents feel unable to help, it may be for the best in the long term but I know is frustrating in the short term for you and doesn't help solve your immediate problems.

I hope you are able to work something out.

OriginalUsername2 · 08/03/2023 16:54

I don’t think it’s mean. Your parents have done their time, have their routines and life set up. You’re responsible for your own stuff now.

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/03/2023 16:55

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

Well of course. In my world that's how families work.

Indecisivebynature · 08/03/2023 16:57

I would allow you and DC to move in. I wouldn’t need to think about it.

Sadly this will probably be one of those things you struggle to forget.

Hope things work out well for you.

Topseyt123 · 08/03/2023 16:59

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:41

Would all of the people who are 100% sure they’d say yes be willing for their elderly parents to move in with them for a temporary but undisclosed period of time to save money?

I wouldn't have seen them out on the street if that is what you are suggesting. Despite their attitude towards helping me at that time.

I'd be helping them find somewhere to live as quickly as possible. It is a very hypothetical situation though and was never going to happen.

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 16:59

I assume you wouldn’t have your parents stay with you?
I am just getting my life back after having no life due to caring for my DM who has advanced dementia for four years. She moved to a nursing home a few weeks ago. I think that’s why I answered that I wouldn’t be up for having one of my adult DC and a potential DGC move back in with me upthread. I think people know their limit and how thinly they can be stretched or how they’d cope with a situation.

Monster80 · 08/03/2023 17:00

I feel really torn on this (I have a live DC 5 year old), would not be massively up for anyone moving in with us with a toddler - for any reason. That said, I do think your parents should help you, would they cover your rent (or some other loving gesture)? Generational mixing is tricky when schedules are so different.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 17:02

I don’t think it’s mean. Your parents have done their time, have their routines and life set up. You’re responsible for your own stuff now.

Its not a jail sentence.

If someone thinks having kids is a jail sentence that they can’t wait to be done, then they probably shouldn’t be having children in the first place.

Your children are your children, that will never chance.

Helping then out in their time of need is surely about being a decent person and one of the most basic things about being a parent.

I assume your parents would never help you out and you wouldn’t help your parents out either?

Timeforachangeisitnot · 08/03/2023 17:05

Sorry you are having such a hard time . My parents are no longer around but absolutely they would have any one of us home if we needed it , and I see exactly the same in my siblings with their adult children.

My MIL refused to help my SIL and her family when they were between homes, and SIL repaid her in kind when she was elderly.

I do understand it’s entirely their right, but it seems harsh.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 17:05

I am just getting my life back after having no life due to caring for my DM who has advanced dementia for four years.

I’m sorry to hear that.
But that is a much more difficult situation than if you had your depends adult daughter come and stay, especially if she would help out financially and around the home.

acuppatea · 08/03/2023 17:06

That feels mean of them to say no. What's it like trying to rent a 2 bed place where you live? Here it even harder to find a 2 bed place than to buy one, there's just none coming up and those that do get snapped up immediately by people prepared to pay more rent than is being asked for, before they've even seen the property. (1 beds are just the same)

BelindaBears · 08/03/2023 17:07

I’d happily host my parents if they really needed it. However if they approached me and asked to move in at an unspecified future date for an unspecified length of time having done precisely nothing to find anywhere to live I would be a bit more skeptical and focus on encouraging them to find a proper home of their own.

EpicChaos · 08/03/2023 17:10

Worst case scenario, is that you could be left technically homeless, even just for a week or two. If they're not prepared to make sure, that those children that they supposedly dote on and adore, are safe and warm, then i wouldn't be taking them anywhere near again. Let your in laws have the pleasure of them on visiting days instead.

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/03/2023 17:11

@BelindaBears so if your dad suddenly left your mum you'd expect her to just snap to it would you? No allowance for her emotional state? What if she also had a young child to take care of, would you cut her some slack then?

2bazookas · 08/03/2023 17:12

You've got enough on your plate without wondering what your parents are playing at. There will be a reckoning when one of them is left alone and asking for help.

BelindaBears · 08/03/2023 17:14

Untitledsquatboulder · 08/03/2023 17:11

@BelindaBears so if your dad suddenly left your mum you'd expect her to just snap to it would you? No allowance for her emotional state? What if she also had a young child to take care of, would you cut her some slack then?

I would want to do the best thing to help her which might well be allowing her to stay if she needed to but in the long run would absolutely not be to give up on life and settle for moving in with me instead of making a new home for herself. There’s no indication the OP is about to be out on the street, it could be a year or more by the time a house goes on the market and a sale is agreed and goes through.

And my mum would treat me exactly the same way so we’re clearly on a different wavelength to the rest of you.

Grimbelina · 08/03/2023 17:14

If your parents feel unable to help, it may be for the best in the long term.

I think this is very sensible advice. It is hard to know why your parents can't have you to stay (there could be very persona reasons) but it might absolutely be the right thing rather than you stay and your relationship breaks down with them. Perhaps you could discuss renting near them so they could help you in other practical ways.

Try not to take it to heart, you really might not have the full picture of their lives, their relationship etc. Try to focus on moving forward and creating a new home, even if it is a rental for a while.

Featherhands · 08/03/2023 17:15

My mother once told me she had her own life and didn't need me hanging round them all of the time. it was a ridiculous thing to say and when I was in a very bad place it was extremely upsetting. it also rebounded on her when, later in life, the tables turned and she needed me.

It would be hard to be the bigger person in these situations.

I'd let my kids back home in your situation in a heartbeat. I am sorry they're bringing up silly things likes plates.