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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sell my house?

163 replies

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 06:27

In a nutshell:
Been living with DP and his 2 kids for 4 years. We are very happy and I can honestly say we have a fabulous relationship. He lost his job recently but has been using his savings- And is looking for something else. I have my own house but I rent that out to friends. With that money I pay my mortgage and bills and I pay for our holidays and I pay for all the shopping. I've also chipped in for the new bathroom recently too. I don't pay any of his house bills.
Recently he said he thought it would be a good idea - for us as a couple - for me to sell my house. And for me to buy half of his - which would pay off his mortgage - I would become joint owner - and we would have money over to buy another property he would renovate. The 2nd house would be solely in my name - but half the value of my present house. And he would take a wage from doing up the house - which he is definitely capable of.

To prevent drip feed - I work full time and I don't have kids but I have 2 lovely nieces who I would leave my house to if I don't sell in the near future.
I feel bad because I agreed in principle to his idea - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't like the idea of selling my present house. It's not particularly a fear of splitting up - it's the fact I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship ever again.
I would be quite happy chipping in to his mortgage seen as he might be struggling soon but AIBU to feel like selling my present house is NOT in my benefit?
And how do I let him down gently? I do love him and I do believe in us - I just don't want to sell my house.

OP posts:
gonnabeok · 08/03/2023 08:13

No no no...don't do it! Even the best relationships can fail. This happened to me. Rented my house out. Moved in with partner. Bought one together. Not married..split up .. just lost another £30,000 in court forcing the sale of joint house.

Pay jointly towards things as they are monthly but dont sell your safety net.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 08/03/2023 08:13

In essence he wants to use your house equity to reduce his out-goings and to provide him with job security

^^this! No way!

what you should do is open a joint household account. Both put in an equal amount-say it’s the £1300 each. All house/kids/food/travel comes from that. And then cut your cloth accordingly. It may be that the travel has to be reduced until he gets a job, but it’s not your financial responsibility to pay for his kids to see their mother. What would he do if you weren’t there paying for it all? Fuck that; he’s taking you for a bit of a ride OP

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/03/2023 08:14

SpacePotato · 08/03/2023 07:41

I don't want him to think I don't believe in us as a couple

Stop this. You protecting yourself doesn't mean you don't 'believe in us as a couple'. If he spouts that shit it's emotional blackmail.

He needs to get another job. It's that simple. He wants you to fund his new hobby job and remove his mortgage payments by buying half his house, then risk entirely the rest of YOUR money by flipping a house at a time when raw materials and trades are at their most expensive.

He has it really cushy with you op. You pay all food, all holidays, buying clothes etc for his children and being a 2nd parent. He would be much worse off financially if you left.

You would be an absolute fool to sell your property.

Read this again.

The worry about hurting his poor feelings is how women constantly screw themselves financially.

You need that property for your old-age security.

Quitelikeacatslife · 08/03/2023 08:14

I think when you lose your job it sometimes makes you think out of the box about is there a better way to do things. It can be great and you can find a happier way but In your case you've considered it but sound happy with the status quo. He needs to get another job . You could discuss it with him like this . Maybe work out the spends as you've told us, he may be under the misunderstanding that he pays more.

Amazongirl9 · 08/03/2023 08:20

It’s totally a bonkers proposition. Sell your house at x cost. By another, price as yet unknown, with all the fees attached to selling and purchasing. Pay him a wage whilst he renovates it and hope after all that you can sell it again at a profit, or is the intention that the second property is your replacement for the first and you’ll rent it out, with all the potential issues that might bring, compared to your friends in your current house. Sounds fraught with issues and complications just to give him a hobby job for a few months. Never mind the time it might take to sell the current house and buy the doer upper. And he will still need a job at the end of all this. I wouldn’t.

Dibbydoos · 08/03/2023 08:22

How come you're not contributing to household bills 50:50 with him - I assume you live together?

Also you don't need to buy or sell anything, you can get a mortgage using your income. He can do the place up without salary if you can cover household bills and sone pocket money until he's finished. You can then remortgage to a b2l and take equity out of tge property, he can take earnings from the equity, square up with you what you paid whilst he was doing the place up and you both jointly own tgd property. Best set up a SPV business to do this through as its easier to divvy up shiuld anything go wrong, judt make sure you cover this in the shareholder agreement and both sign it.

BreadwinneBaker · 08/03/2023 08:26

This just gets worse. You're enabling expensive family visiting abroad of £14k+ ? How would he afford it if you weren't here?!

And doing half of parenting after 4 years but no married?

And he wants to use your equity to pay himself a wage and set himself up financially rather than get a job...

Stop mixing emotions into this op. If he accuses you of not investing in the relationship that's a massive red flag.

The key question here is: op, ask your DH what he'd be doing if you weren't here to take on half of parenting and cash in your equity? It's ridiculous that this plan was even suggested!

GelPens1 · 08/03/2023 08:28

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:11

Thanks for the replies so far. It's what I would advise a friend to do who was in the same situation. I just feel bad telling him - I don't want him to think I don't believe in us as a couple. I just want to keep my own home.
I pay out about 1300 a month on the joint things I pay for. He pays approximately the same with mortgage and bills - but his mortgage will increase by 300 pounds in September because his mortgage term will expire then.
I 'earn' 100 pounds from renting out my house. I'm not a landlord as such- I'm just helping my friends out. The 100 I earn I put towards repairs in 'my house'.
I don't want another mortgage tbh for an extra apartment for him to do up.
I've contributed loads to his home. I'm not asking for any of it- I did it of free will and to make the house nicer for me (all of us) to live there. I also pay for things for his kids. I treat them a lot.

Instead of paying £1300 for random things for your DP and his children, you should just pay 1/3 towards the overall utility bills. DP pays for the majority of the bills and the mortgage. Stop paying for holidays for four people and all the shopping. DP should pay for everything that’s related to his children.

Do your friends pay a decent rent or does it cost more to keep the flat than it brings profit? If you sell the flat then I still wouldn’t buy your DP out of his mortgage. This will only benefit him and his children, not you. Also, he’s currently without a job so I wouldn’t make any big financial decisions.

MumOf2workOptions · 08/03/2023 08:30

Do dont do it if you split you need that security

Logicoutofthewindow · 08/03/2023 08:31

Contribute more to the upkeep and running of the house that you are living in but keep yours. If he's struggling and you live there help a bit more.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 08:35

@stayathomegardener thanks for these xx

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 08/03/2023 08:40

YANBU. But you should be paying half the bills and food in his house. I’m in a similar situation but I am selling so we can combine money and buy a bigger family home, but then we have 2 kids together & married. I wouldn’t if we didn’t have children together.

Also what if he dies, would you be forced to sell so his kids could get their fair share? Easier to keep things separate

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 08:42

I think you both needs to go back to prioritising the basics, he needs a normal job, you all need to cut on the travel and put that money saved towards bills etc.

Wombats23 · 08/03/2023 08:43

I assume your friends' tenancy is all legally set up with EPC, gas safety certificates & tenant deposit protection. As if they refuse to leave, you'd have to evict them & if your paperwork is not correct, the court won't take action.

Definitely don't let him play doing up houses. No money in it, unless properly capitalised at the start. The costs of buying & selling are huge. Materials are a fortune & as for taking a wage, erm... no.

A lot of your situation sounds "woolly". Things need to be put to be on a proper footing.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 08:47

No - my friends tenancy in my house is not legal. So shoot me. They live in my house which I would otherwise be living in. It is perfectly safe. They would be homeless otherwise. I do not want to profit off these lovely people. They have helped me out plenty in the past. This is a non profitable agreement which we are all more than happy with. They do bits of jobs in the house and keep the garden tidy. They are fantastic tenants. If I needed them out then they would find somewhere tiny - and in an emergency I would move in with them. I am not a pariah.

OP posts:
Moonicorn · 08/03/2023 08:51

It’s not about profiting it’s about landlord tax, have you declared your profits?

Moonicorn · 08/03/2023 08:51

I don’t really believe you happily let friends stay in your house for years with no profit tbh… feels a bit ‘made up scenario now testing its plausibility’

Cosyblankets · 08/03/2023 08:52

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 08:47

No - my friends tenancy in my house is not legal. So shoot me. They live in my house which I would otherwise be living in. It is perfectly safe. They would be homeless otherwise. I do not want to profit off these lovely people. They have helped me out plenty in the past. This is a non profitable agreement which we are all more than happy with. They do bits of jobs in the house and keep the garden tidy. They are fantastic tenants. If I needed them out then they would find somewhere tiny - and in an emergency I would move in with them. I am not a pariah.

Let's say there's a fire or a break in etc. You would not be insured. Then when you come to buy another house you may well struggle to get insurance.
By all means rent your house out to give yourself financial security for your future but please do it properly and above board to protect everyone. Convert your mortgage to a btl and get all the certificates done

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 08:53

@Moonicorn my 100 pound profit? Lol- if I did declare it then I would probably be able to claim lots of other costs to offset it. Why are you bothered about me being a kind person. Why is that plausible?

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 08/03/2023 08:55

Keep your house. It’s your old age financial back up. You are paying your way at your partners place. Get your contribution to the mortgage noted. He needs to get a job and then you can get a place together. Him paying from his job and you paying like now from your rental income.

midgemadgemodge · 08/03/2023 08:56

To be fair the op is likely going to see a profit when she sells the house

The concept of making money and getting the mortgage paid off and seeing the house price rise is relatively new in rentals and is why rents and house prices are stupid high

Moonicorn · 08/03/2023 08:59

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 08:53

@Moonicorn my 100 pound profit? Lol- if I did declare it then I would probably be able to claim lots of other costs to offset it. Why are you bothered about me being a kind person. Why is that plausible?

Because it’s not ‘being kind’. They have no legal protection, neither do you, as PP said you’re not insured if the house catches fire. It doesn’t matter what the profit margin is in terms of the mortgage, it’s only relative to repairs/letting fees/expenses. So depending on the net rent, you could still be liable to pay.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 09:00

@midgemadgemodge exactly! I hate this stupid increase in rental property's and I refuse to be part of it. It's killing the country. And it's always the poor that suffer (as with every situation) it breaks my heart. I'm glad able to help someone out. Legally I still live at the house so insurance wise etc it's all ok. I have a small box room /bedroom there with some of my stuff in.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/03/2023 09:00

Moonicorn · 08/03/2023 08:51

I don’t really believe you happily let friends stay in your house for years with no profit tbh… feels a bit ‘made up scenario now testing its plausibility’

When my mom died & I inherited her flat, i allowed a friend to live there for a nominal rent, for nine years. There was never a problem.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 09:02

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune that's kind of you. I believe in karma. I feel like I've had a lot of fortunate things happen to me. It's only fair to pay it forward x

OP posts:
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