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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sell my house?

163 replies

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 06:27

In a nutshell:
Been living with DP and his 2 kids for 4 years. We are very happy and I can honestly say we have a fabulous relationship. He lost his job recently but has been using his savings- And is looking for something else. I have my own house but I rent that out to friends. With that money I pay my mortgage and bills and I pay for our holidays and I pay for all the shopping. I've also chipped in for the new bathroom recently too. I don't pay any of his house bills.
Recently he said he thought it would be a good idea - for us as a couple - for me to sell my house. And for me to buy half of his - which would pay off his mortgage - I would become joint owner - and we would have money over to buy another property he would renovate. The 2nd house would be solely in my name - but half the value of my present house. And he would take a wage from doing up the house - which he is definitely capable of.

To prevent drip feed - I work full time and I don't have kids but I have 2 lovely nieces who I would leave my house to if I don't sell in the near future.
I feel bad because I agreed in principle to his idea - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't like the idea of selling my present house. It's not particularly a fear of splitting up - it's the fact I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship ever again.
I would be quite happy chipping in to his mortgage seen as he might be struggling soon but AIBU to feel like selling my present house is NOT in my benefit?
And how do I let him down gently? I do love him and I do believe in us - I just don't want to sell my house.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:38

@R0ckets the kids live with us. I do 50% parenting I meant! As does he. Mum is unable to pay anything and we have to take them to see her abroad.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 08/03/2023 07:39

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 08/03/2023 06:37

I'm just tell him it's not something you'd like to do, you should be helping towards bills.

I agree. You are not contributing equally at all whilst have the advantage of renting out your house.

Turnthelightoff · 08/03/2023 07:39

I just think that with the time it would take to sell your house and buy the ‘fixer upper’ this plan isn’t realistic anyway. He cannot stay out of work all this time, so he should be trying to find something and then he shouldn’t leave to do the house renovations. I don’t think you should do it but just wanted to offer a reason to give him.

SpacePotato · 08/03/2023 07:41

I don't want him to think I don't believe in us as a couple

Stop this. You protecting yourself doesn't mean you don't 'believe in us as a couple'. If he spouts that shit it's emotional blackmail.

He needs to get another job. It's that simple. He wants you to fund his new hobby job and remove his mortgage payments by buying half his house, then risk entirely the rest of YOUR money by flipping a house at a time when raw materials and trades are at their most expensive.

He has it really cushy with you op. You pay all food, all holidays, buying clothes etc for his children and being a 2nd parent. He would be much worse off financially if you left.

You would be an absolute fool to sell your property.

commentnotaquestion · 08/03/2023 07:44

For the people who say OP is not contributing enough. She is paying HALF the existing household expenses, and doing HALF the childcare and they are not her kids. So in my view she is contributing more than enough.

OP, I'm relieved that you are not going to go ahead with the plan. It doesn't sound like it would benefit you financially and I don't like the idea of paying your DP a way - that's not usually how renovation projects work. I also think the points the PP made about financial viablity of the project are very strong. You are already investing a huge amount in this relationship - don't feel like you need to sell your house too.

commentnotaquestion · 08/03/2023 07:45

Spot on, @SpacePotato

FurAndFeathers · 08/03/2023 07:46

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:11

Thanks for the replies so far. It's what I would advise a friend to do who was in the same situation. I just feel bad telling him - I don't want him to think I don't believe in us as a couple. I just want to keep my own home.
I pay out about 1300 a month on the joint things I pay for. He pays approximately the same with mortgage and bills - but his mortgage will increase by 300 pounds in September because his mortgage term will expire then.
I 'earn' 100 pounds from renting out my house. I'm not a landlord as such- I'm just helping my friends out. The 100 I earn I put towards repairs in 'my house'.
I don't want another mortgage tbh for an extra apartment for him to do up.
I've contributed loads to his home. I'm not asking for any of it- I did it of free will and to make the house nicer for me (all of us) to live there. I also pay for things for his kids. I treat them a lot.

It sounds odd that he’s struggling with the mortgage whilst you’re focussing on holidays and treats for the kids.

perhaps you need a conversation about financial priorities?

Cosyblankets · 08/03/2023 07:47

When you say you earn 100 a month from your house that doesn't sound very much. You say you pay your bills etc. So your friend pays you an all in fee for your house and you only have 100 left over? This doesn't sound much for a rental which makes me wonder are you just letting your friend live there and cover the mortgage. Does the bank know? Does the insurance company know? You say you're not a landlord as such but you are. They live in your house and pay you. What do you think a landlord is?

Bigmirrorssmallrooms · 08/03/2023 07:49

FurAndFeathers · 08/03/2023 07:46

It sounds odd that he’s struggling with the mortgage whilst you’re focussing on holidays and treats for the kids.

perhaps you need a conversation about financial priorities?

Show quote history

Miaow.

Ceryneianhind · 08/03/2023 07:49

Are you seriously not contributing to running the house you are living in?

Sorry if I have misunderstood, but it reads like you're not?

Ellmau · 08/03/2023 07:52

And he would take a wage from doing up the house

You mean he wants you to pay him a wage.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:56

@SpacePotato thanks - yes I need to hear this. Xx

OP posts:
Berthatydfil · 08/03/2023 07:56

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:38

@R0ckets the kids live with us. I do 50% parenting I meant! As does he. Mum is unable to pay anything and we have to take them to see her abroad.

I hope he is paying you for this ? After all he intends on charging you for working on your proposed new house.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:57

I'm ignoring those that haven't read my other posts - I DO contribute more than my fair share.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 08:03

Have you discussed marriage?

How often are you taking them to see their mum and are you under some sort of official obligation to do it x number of times or could you cut down if he can’t afford it once his mortgage goes up?

user1471538283 · 08/03/2023 08:03

Do not sell your house! If he takes that to mean that you don't believe in you as a couple he can sell his.

This plan for renovation sounds like an excuse to not work and it will be a money tip.

NotStayingIn · 08/03/2023 08:03

I think you should put the money you contribute and the money he contributes, put it in one account, and then pay for things according to needs.

It's lovely you are buying clothes and kids' clubs and the trips to see their mother, but maybe the actual need this month is the gas bill. Maybe one trip has to be sacrificed as he has no job right now, and the money should be spent on basic living costs needs.

You do more than enough, it just feels that you two together aren't spending the money realistically in line with the current financial situation (he) is in.

stayathomegardener · 08/03/2023 08:04

What to say tactfully.

You don't want to make your friends homeless.

Its the wrong time to sell economically.

That particular property is part of your long term financial planning.

It might be kind to offer to cover his mortgage/bills to a degree for six months to enable him to secure a job.

No bloody way I'd be paying a partner to prat around being a wannabe developer on my buck.

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 08:04

Don’t sell, that’s your security. Don’t give in to his requests.
You could manage without him, he couldn’t without you.
You already contribute a lot to your current household financially and looking after the DC etc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 08:04

I’m also not sure how he was affording the international travel before you got together and started paying for it? It seems to be a large part of your household’s costs.

Bunnyishotandcross · 08/03/2023 08:06

He needs to get a job not expect The Bank Of Op to bail him and his dc out...

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/03/2023 08:07

No way!! Keep your assets and your finances separate. Mark my words, you will regret it otherwise.

He needs to support his family, not mooch off your life's work.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/03/2023 08:08

FourTeaFallOut · 08/03/2023 06:52

Don't do it. You sell the security you have in your own name, buy in to his home security and then he gets to play property developer with the left overs. Why don't you tell him to look for a proper job and leave you out of it?

All of this.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 08/03/2023 08:12

HadEnoughOfBears · 08/03/2023 07:38

I mean...if he's able to renovate a house and take a wage from you then he's surely able to get a job?
Once he gets a job you could look at getting a property together to do up.

Exactly. Skilled tradesmen are in great demand. Why isn't he working??

DuvetDownn · 08/03/2023 08:12

He’s seeing you/your house as an opportunity to get out of the rat race and play property developer.

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