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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to sell my house?

163 replies

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 06:27

In a nutshell:
Been living with DP and his 2 kids for 4 years. We are very happy and I can honestly say we have a fabulous relationship. He lost his job recently but has been using his savings- And is looking for something else. I have my own house but I rent that out to friends. With that money I pay my mortgage and bills and I pay for our holidays and I pay for all the shopping. I've also chipped in for the new bathroom recently too. I don't pay any of his house bills.
Recently he said he thought it would be a good idea - for us as a couple - for me to sell my house. And for me to buy half of his - which would pay off his mortgage - I would become joint owner - and we would have money over to buy another property he would renovate. The 2nd house would be solely in my name - but half the value of my present house. And he would take a wage from doing up the house - which he is definitely capable of.

To prevent drip feed - I work full time and I don't have kids but I have 2 lovely nieces who I would leave my house to if I don't sell in the near future.
I feel bad because I agreed in principle to his idea - but I'm having second thoughts. I don't like the idea of selling my present house. It's not particularly a fear of splitting up - it's the fact I don't want to feel trapped in a relationship ever again.
I would be quite happy chipping in to his mortgage seen as he might be struggling soon but AIBU to feel like selling my present house is NOT in my benefit?
And how do I let him down gently? I do love him and I do believe in us - I just don't want to sell my house.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 08/03/2023 07:14

Why on Earth are you letting friends stay for £100 and paying all the bills for your house

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:15

@Tiswa
I EARN 100 - the rest of what they pay covers the mortgage and the bills. Was that not clear?

OP posts:
R0ckets · 08/03/2023 07:17

I pay out about 1300 a month on the joint things I pay for. He pays approximately the same with mortgage and bills

You pay 1300 a month in shopping and holidays? Maybe a good compromise would be to stop the holidays and instead use some of the money to pay towards your share of the bills?

MintJulia · 08/03/2023 07:18

If you are paying half of the outgoings from your shared home, then he is unreasonable to expect more.

In essence he wants to use your house equity to reduce his out-goings and to provide him with job security.

I wouldn't. If you take out a joint mortgage and then he fails to pay his half, you are jointly liable.

converseandjeans · 08/03/2023 07:18

Don't sell the house. However you should be paying a proportion of rent, council tax, utilities. I don't think buying food is enough of a contribution. You can cut out holidays if he's not working.

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/03/2023 07:19

In your situation I would not be selling your house but working out a split of the bills rather than paying solely for fun things, especially with your DP now out of a job.

Your friends need their home and it would be unfair to take that away when it is so difficult to find another rental at a manageable cost.

Your DP needs to focus on getting another job. It sounds like he is skilled so should be able to find something else. He has children and can't afford to to do something that doesn't have a steady income stream.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/03/2023 07:22

I would not sell the house (100%). It sounds as if you already pay your way, and there is a risk that you and your assets end up supporting him and his family, which I wouldn't be happy with at all. The answer to his financial problems is for him to find a job which pays his bills.

Having said that, I would be charging something approaching a real rent for my own house. I am cautious about nominal rents because they sort of trap the person being "helped". Also I can see that your DP might wonder why you are essentially giving away money each month when paying the mortgage on the house you live in is becoming problematic.

But I would not sell my house - no way.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:24

Neither My dad - nor his kids mum live in the UK. The 'holidays' are to visit them. We can't stop the 'holiday' im afraid. Some things are worth more than money.

OP posts:
cosmiccosmos · 08/03/2023 07:25

I wouldn't sell, it's expensive to sell and buy again , you'll lose your security and will be making your friends homeless.

It sounds like his plan benefits him. Is he an experienced trades person or does he have relevant skills? Could end up with him just getting people in to do the work and him supervising.

I would also be moving to a more equal/formal arrangement in bills etc. I assume his children live with you? What maintenance dies he get? Does he do an equal share of chores and all the parenting?

GlassBunion · 08/03/2023 07:25

Don't sell.
He's wanting to use your security to play property speculator and give him a financially easier life.
If ever you do split up it'll be quite messy to untangle.

Beautiful3 · 08/03/2023 07:25

I wouldn't sell my house either. It's security .in case it all goes wrong. You're not even married. If you split, youd be deeply unhappy waiting for him to agree to sell, to release your half. It would be hell. Lots of people break up. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years, out of all our friends, only one couple are still together.

Luckydip1 · 08/03/2023 07:26

I wouldn't sell your house, tell him you want to give it to your kids one day.

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 07:29

£1300 a month on shopping and holidays? Wow.

The set up wouldn't work long term though, if you're contributing the same as him each month (although it doesn't seem like you are by paying for only holidays and shopping) but the house is in his name, that leaves you vulnerable.

Hes not trying to do you out of anything, he's trying to 50/50 share ownership of his home, which is quite a normal step. The better option would be he sells and you both go 50/50 into a new home, but if you won't get a mortgage and won't sell your house for a deposit etc, then that rules that out too.

You just need to be honest with him and tell him you'd prefer to keep your own homes. If he can't afford the current set up, then something will have to give if you both want different things.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:29

He does half of the parenting and half of the chores. I love the kids - I'm happy to do my fair share. He doesn't get any maintenance. No good even discussing this. We have given up on getting anything I'm afraid. It's sucks but we have moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:31

@Maxwelll like I mentioned these aren't fancy holidays. These are visits to close family abroad who are unable to travel due to disabilities. 4 of us traveling - and 4 of us eating and I pay for the kids clubs and buy them clothes is also included in the 1300

OP posts:
Badger1975 · 08/03/2023 07:31

He would take a wage from doing up the house? That's not normal at all. It's a hobby not a job. He wants you to dissolve your asset to effectively give him a "job" where you're paying him to do up a house you don't even want and is half the value of your current one?

Your instincts are right don't go along with this ridiculous proposal. Tell him to get a job like everyone else you are not his employer!

R0ckets · 08/03/2023 07:32

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:29

He does half of the parenting and half of the chores. I love the kids - I'm happy to do my fair share. He doesn't get any maintenance. No good even discussing this. We have given up on getting anything I'm afraid. It's sucks but we have moved on.

How can he do half the parenting when his children's mum lives in another country??

Do she and your father ever travel on holiday to visit you to share that expense?

whattodo1975 · 08/03/2023 07:33

MaryBeardsShoes · 08/03/2023 06:45

OP pays for all the shopping and holidays for four people. Sounds like she contributed at least her fair share.

I wouldn’t sell my house either OP!

If the genders were reversed that wouldn’t be considered a fair share.

R0ckets · 08/03/2023 07:35

moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:31

@Maxwelll like I mentioned these aren't fancy holidays. These are visits to close family abroad who are unable to travel due to disabilities. 4 of us traveling - and 4 of us eating and I pay for the kids clubs and buy them clothes is also included in the 1300

Cross posted that they don't travel to you.

I appreciate seeing family is important but just how often are you visiting, surely as bills rise and costs soar multiple trips away are not financially feasible?

Maxwelll · 08/03/2023 07:36

I missed the part where he wanted to take a wage from doing up the house! Erm just no.

Back to your current set up. If you both pay £1300 each then you both share the bills. You already have some sort of right of a share in the house, admittedly not 50/50. I'd be looking at all of this. I wouldn't be selling your house.

Original poster
moneyhouse · 08/03/2023 07:36

@Badger1975
Yeah! I don't want to have to say to him - shouldn't you be working on the house today- when he wants to have a day to himself - I don't want that kind of hassle.

OP posts:
Londontoderby · 08/03/2023 07:37

Don’t sell your house. If there is half left on the mortgage or whatever the sun, start contributing to that with that portion going in your name.

Badger1975 · 08/03/2023 07:38

That's the huge red flag to me. He wants to take a wage out of the money from the sale of your house to do up another house. I've never ever heard of anyone doing that. That's pure workshy cheeky fuckery.

Badger1975 · 08/03/2023 07:38

People do up houses all the time they don't take a chunk of equity for themselves for the trouble.

HadEnoughOfBears · 08/03/2023 07:38

I mean...if he's able to renovate a house and take a wage from you then he's surely able to get a job?
Once he gets a job you could look at getting a property together to do up.