For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

Has your dp even asked his parents?

If you need it, you need it
If you feel bad then donate/volunteer at the food bank when you're in a better position

Wtf? Don't see your grandkids, just hand us money?

Are their grandchildren going without? It doesn't have to be handing over money, they could order a food delivery or send a Sainsbury's gift voucher or something. I couldn't see my GC go hungry whatever their parents were doing.

I think I’m going to have to stop looking at this thread. So many posters are such cruel twats: demanding her medical history, accusing them of being lazy, of lying about her family’s situation, suggesting it’s really drug and alcohol addictions behind why her family won’t help, suggesting she’s misusing the Foodbank.

The scorn towards the OP is odious. And posters would do well to remember that ’there but for the grace of god, go I’, and all that. Anyone can fall on hard times.

I think I'd feel aggrieved about being expected to financially support my dd while her dp only worked part time and it was totally acceptable for his parents to give nothing. I'd do it, but I'd expect them to have a plan moving forward.

No grandchildren involved.

I don’t see a problem with two people working part time. If it means no childcare bills it makes sense. There’s no point in them both working full time and one persons wage entirely going out on childcare. It’s also not that easy to find jobs which work around school hours and a second one on top. It’s not any different to having one person work full time and the second parent stay at home. Kids are only little once and benefit from seeing their parents at some point in the day! We all need quality of life too.

OP I can very much relate to your post. I'm not well off and my parents aren't rich but very comfortable (4 hols a year, new extention, luxury home items etc). When I was in a refuge they did F all to help, I struggled badly.
However my Dsis struggles and she's there straight away. I feel your frustration, it's not a nice feeling at all.
Anyway no you are not unreasonable to use a food bank. Having well off parents means nothing to some like me and I. As others have said its no one else's business.
It seems you are really struggling atm so have you reached out to any charities that could help?

You have a perfectly legitimate need for the food bank so you should not feel one iota of guilt for using it.

The person who made this comment to you is a fucking monster.

Your family are also monsters.

Use the food bank, get food. Do not stop using it because of evil monsters.

Food banks are definitely there for people who need it. Family relationships can be very complex which is something your friend might not understand. I myself may not have understood why family wouldn't help up until I met DH.
My family would always help each other out, my Mum would never let us go without and I would never let her go without.
DH has a very different relationship with his family. His Mum and three sisters have recently been using a food bank. We have helped out with a couple of food shops but we have said we are not helping anymore. Every time we visit they are hinting at having no money. We cannot afford to support another family, let alone another four families! But because we do nice things on occasion they think that we have unlimited finds which is quite laughable when DH is on minimum wage. A while ago I would have thought myself a terrible person for not helping someone who can't afford food, but honestly, are we supposed to give every spare penny away just because they happen to be family? I know this isn't the same as your situation, I'm just highlighting the difference in family relationships.

Also… OPs husband is working 4 days a week, it’s not like he’s doing 10 hours or something! Seems perfectly reasonable to me. His hours are pretty much full time as two of the days are 10 hours. It’s just compressed into 4 days. Which then means she can work on the others. Plus with health issues…! Sounds like you are doing all you can OP. So sorry your family isn’t helping.

Why not?

The Op is not happy using food banks , so she has to look at all options.

They can't work more hours
Her family won't help.

So, what else is there?

She has clearly asked her husband's parents for help and, when they visit, they have given it. It doesn't seem unreasonable, in these dire circumstances, to ask if they can help more.

If the only way that they can do this is to save the money that they would spend on visiting and give it to the OP, then I honestly can't see why she shouldn't at least ask.

I am sure most grandparents would delay visits than see the family have to rely on foodbanks-many would make that sacrifice and would not describe the request as 'crass.'

If OP doesn't want to do that and there is no other way of getting extra money-then she will have to keep on using food banks which, understandably, she doesn't like doing.

If every suggestion made is dismissed for one reason or another, then there is no way out of the situation until September, when her children will be at school.

In your situation, it's not you who should be judged!
I can't imagine seeing one of my children have to use a foodbank and not stepping in to help. Much less can I imagine then giving their siblings treats and meals out. That's just cruel.
Nobody has the right to judge you. If you need food and you can't afford it, then of course you should use a foodbank. I really hate the idea that people in difficulty should have to pass some sort of moral purity test to justify having their basic needs met.

It would only be unreasonable if you had plenty of food, spare money and plenty of support

And yet again a thread about the cost of living crisis and it's very real effects swarming with incredulous posters who have no idea what it's like to be struggling. So again the deserving/ undeserving poor rhetoric.
They both work. He works condensed hours . She works according to her consultants advice . Her family could help, but dont. And yet somehow some posters are twisting this as them being feckless and scroungers. Un fucking believable.

Soul destroying to read, isn’t it?

They HAVE a plan moving forward, which you'd know if you had read all the OP's posts

Firstly you have nothing to feel ashamed about.Food Banks are necessary ATM for a growing number of people.Your family are being unfair to you ,punishing you and their GC for your choice of partner it seems.When your circumstances improve ,you can maybe give food to the local collection team .Meanwhile just relax ,the days of means testing are over!

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods it really is.

Tell this person that your family won’t help you. Then tell them to mind their own business.

It is nobody’s business, but on the other hand, as your family are of no practical or emotional or financial support to you, I wouldn’t be shy of telling your ‘friend’ or acquaintance just that. You don’t need to protect your mother’s reputation. Just say ‘I understand why you’d think that but I’m afraid my family won’t give us any support at all, so actually I have no choice either.’

I hope your health improves and that things get easier. I think you should just consider your ‘family’ to be of no importance to you - they clearly aren’t nice.

Something I've realised in the last three years is that people are a lot stupider and more selfish than I thought they were. So much reading comprehension fail and smug judgement from people on this thread.

OP: It might be an idea to check that you are claiming anything you are entitled to.

As an older parent, I certainly would (and have) helped my ACs and GCs - but some parents won't (and they don't have to), so you need to try and maximise your household income.

It may be that you are entitled to extra help - it's always worth trying.

benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Your family sound very similar to mine. I have (In the past, I’m NC now) asked my nan for £10/£20 to help and she would make me feel horrendously guilty, say I was irresponsible with money, that everyone has savings and that I should get rid of luxuries such as the internet, I have a teenage DC, internet is a necessity. I don’t have a mum, my grandparents raised me.
The funny thing is, when I was married she would do anything for me, I didn’t actually ask then as was in a better position but she would buy me nappies and baby milk because she wanted to, when I left my marriage and brought shame on the family she suddenly couldn’t do anything for me, unless I stayed in an unhappy marriage so she didn’t have the shame of people at church finding out she had a divorced granddaughter 🙄