For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

Pretty much judging and throwing stones from glass houses

I feel very sorry for you OP, the 'friend' has no right to judge you. I can't imagine being resentful or bitter about someone using a Food bank. Commenting on it is astoundingly rude!

I am very lucky as is DH and we don't have those issues with family. Many people I know have been helped to buy properties, cars, holidays. When it comes down to it it is just 'luck'. I can't imagine berating folk for being not being as lucky as me- I think that is quite a mean way to look at life- 'If I can't have something or they are not as worn out and not as miserable as me, nobody can have contentment, happiness'. People who do this aren't the happiest so I would ignore them and ditch any 'friends' with that outlook.

Your friend is really rude and I would probably tell her so. I would also mention that you don't have family to help so you meet her criteria for food banks anyway. I don't agree that family should always help. We gave BIL money sometimes but I'm not going to totally fund his life and I'm sure he does sometimes use food banks.

Doesn't matter if your family are billionaires. If they won't help you and you need food then a food bank is appropriate.

If it was me I'd be telling the judgemental 'friend' that my mother is a racist fuck who wouldn't give a shit if my kids starved to death.

You have found yourself in an unexpected difficult time due to illness and are following medical advice. What the fuck is wrong with that? Due to your current issues you need your husband's help. What the fuck is wrong with that?

I can't believe some responses here. Sadly it seems you weren't issued with your crystal ball when you first became pregnant. I'm as pro choice as they come and even I think it's a bit late now...

Doesn't matter what you think full time means. Actual full time is anything over 35 hours a week as defined on the UK government's own website. The working time directive caps full time at 48 hours a week. If it is your own business then you can do what you like.

I volunteer in a church food bank. There is zero judgement here and anyone who needs it is welcome. There are many, many different reasons why someone might find themselves needing to come. You don’t have to be homeless. In fact most of our clients are working and struggling to make ends meet. It doesn’t matter why, if you need it we are there. Please don’t take to heart what this lady said. She clearly doesn’t know better. Forgive her ignorance and think no more about it.

Food is currently extortionately priced so I totally understand why you might need to use the food bank and there's absolutely no shame in it. A can of soup from our local shop today (bog standard, nothing special) and it was nearly £2, the same soup was 50p a year ago. That's 4 x the price, insanity.

Prices are rocketing and now people who probably were doing okay are struggling.

I am now making my own soups, cooking most things from fresh, trying to make a large batch and eking out for the week. It's hard because I work and don't have much time but it does save money in the long run.

And I'm really sorry that your family won't help, families should support each other through good and bad. Anyone who is judging you needs to take a look at themselves, we all have hard times.

There is no shame in using food banks. Take the help when you need it.

I would urge you to look at free childcare and max that out. It might help your recovery if you can rest more.

I would also suggest cutting any luxuries. I lost my job recently through redundancy and hardly spent money in the month I was unemployed. I stopped all “luxuries” and even Sold some of my old stuff to make money… marketplace and Depop. It made me think how much I spend on unnecessary stuff… pets, sky tv, gym membership, takeaways, iPhone etc, Apple Music subscription… etc.

I feel like there’s a WHOLE other side to this story that your dm would tell us.

So first you said your DH works part time, but when challenged about that, because there is no reason why he shouldn’t work full time, you then gave his hours which are more or less full time hours, and you say you also work part time, but yet you still need a food bank? Even on minimum wage plus benefits you should be managing. Your outgoings must be very high, and yet you don’t have childcare expenses. Doesn’t seem to make any sense really.

Are we heading back to Victorian times? It looks that way with a massive divide between the wealthy and the poor, child poverty increasing and a lack of empathy for people struggling.

@WilsonMilson people who are working full time are still struggling. Food prices are so much higher than they used to be, mortgages have gone up, petrol, etc. Many people who had a reasonable lifestyle are now finding it difficult.

Food is extortionate as a PP said and this is having a detrimental impact on all aspects of the economy. Those that can afford the supermarket food bills are definitely not spending as much on restaurants and other leisure activities ao I do wonder about how long all these catering jobs that people reference will be needed a few months down the line. This is very area specific as well. If you live in an area where people are stopping cafe visits due to the cost of living crisis then those jobs simply will cease to exist.

OP your life sounds hard, I hope soon you can recover and find a way to earn more.

Emotionally though, you need to take care of yourself a bit more. You're obviously really hurting about how your mum behaves and differences in how she treats your sister. You need to find a way to not be on the back foot with that and feel more empowered in the relationship (maybe by accepting it and not waiting for her to turn around and give more to you, because she's probably not going to).

I personally wouldn't ask to borrow from a friend unless it was both desperate and a short term issue and I knew I could pay back within a month or so. Because if a friend helps you out once when you're desperate, chances are you'll ask again and before you know where you are, they're doling out regular amounts with no hope of getting it back and it's not unreasonable that a friend would not want to do that.

Don't have any shame in using a foodbank. Prices have outstripped wage increases, that's not your fault. Your family finances are no one else's business.

Your partner doesn't work part time! He works long hours over 4 days but it still equates to full time work.

Well if they won't help you then your family being well off is about as much use to you as it is to me.

If you worried about every single comment you would be.... well, you'd be doing this.

I've used foodbanks too but never told one person in real life about it, hence no comments, not that I would have cared.

This - but I agree that it is none of her damn business.

Families like this are the equivalent of a hidden disability. I would never challenge someones right to use a disabled facility just because the "look" healthy, because I have no idea whether they have Crohn's Disease, difficulties with their joints which mean that they need the extra space to manoeuvre themselves etc - even claustrophobia, for heaven's sake! How would I know.

And because I don't know, I don't comment.

Tell them. "You don't know my circumstances. Please mind your own business."

What a naive comment.

A) no, childcare vouchers aren't a thing anymore unless you were using the system years ago.

B) UC is up to 75% but the thresholds are tiny and ime very few people get the 75%

C) you can get tax free childcare but it doesn't really make a dent.

And yet again a thread about the cost of living crisis and it's very real effects swarming with incredulous posters who have no idea what it's like to be struggling. So again the deserving/ undeserving poor rhetoric.
They both work. He works condensed hours . She works according to her consultants advice . Her family could help, but dont. And yet somehow some posters are twisting this as them being feckless and scroungers. Un fucking believable.

I agree. They are just sticking the boot in out of sheer nastiness.

Ignore them OP.

@WilsonMilson . 4 years ago I lived in the uk. 2 grown up DC, I worked ft , DH was semi retired so worked pt. On our income we could comfortably run a 3 bed semi detached, have a car each, gym memberships, ddog , social life ect.
We decided to retire abroad- and are happy with that decision every day as on the income we had then we would be struggling to survive now. Wages are not keeping pace with the cost of living. People are falling through the cracks.

They aren't well off. Ever heard of reading properly?

Exactly. As well as the 'well I did so you can too' posts. The lack of kindness and empathy is so depressing. OP I'm sorry. I hope things look up for you soon.

You have chosen to have multiple children without having the means to feed them. It’s really irresponsible to assume you can then work part time and rely on food banks to make up the shortfall.

I very rarely say this @Snoken , but "F" off.

We can none of us see the future. Any one us can be financially comfortable one day and one the edge of poverty the next - an accident, a death, a pandemic, a Brexit that pushes prices up to unheard of levels while wages remain low - who knows what's around the corner.?

Very few people have children thinking "Oh, we'll have the kids and the food bank can feed them." We have them thinking we will be able to support them - it's not irresponsible of OP at all.

The fact that you use food banks despite your mother's wealth speaks volumes about HER. Not you.

I've thankfully never needed to go to a food bank, but during the recession we really struggled and couldn't pay all our bills despite the two of us on full time (and good) wages. All it would have taken is a bout of ill health or reduced hours at work during those years to really fuck us over. By the grace of god and all that.

Anyway, a decade on, and we are in a different position - redundancy and ill health happened to DH but thankfully in the intervening years my career progressed nicely, plus he also inherited a house so we are managing despite one wage coming in and it's temporary. It's tight, but nowhere near as tight and stressful as it used to be for us. When we did (and when we will again) have money, we gave loads to charity because we came so close at the time to needing it.

Your life will not always be this hard and you won't always be this broke. And when you are back on your feet, and you both are in a position to help others, I've no doubt that you will pay it forward and donate to the food bank that helped you during this time.

This thread just shows what people really think and it's absolutely disgusting.