For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

Op is obviously feeling down and exhausted and came in here for some support , but so many are the opposite of supportive .

I hope your health and your situation improve soon , OP .

Please use the foodbanks and your friend can fuck right off

op
i am sorry you family and your friend were so awful, as were some posters.
there are budget meals on bbc website, and maybe if you search on mn. if that helps?

People's situations are often very complex and being "middle class" or having a rich family does not preclude you from struggling to put food on the table.

OP - I am our local foodbank's Ops Manager and the last thing we do is judge people's "worthiness" of our help based on their backgrounds or extended families' financial position (FFS, they aren't applying for a student grant!). Yes, we will enquire breifly about your circumstances, but that is purely for 2 reasons, the first being is that it allows us to refer or signpost you to other charities/agencies that may be able to provide you with further support, and the second being that we collect data to allow us to analyse trends/patterns insofar as the reasons people are needing to use foodbanks, which, in turn, guides us on many things, both within the foodbank network, and with our relationships with external partners.

I don't think it is right to class your husband as working part time, I add those hours up to 37 which is certainly classed as fulltime. You are working about 18 hrs a week which with the saving on childcare is probably bringing in as much as fulltime. Don't sell yourselves short, one of you with health problems, children to care for and both working you should be OK and it is crazy that you aren't.

I can't believe how a mother could behave like yours. I couldn't see any one of my children in your position and not help.

It is hard now but in a few months with your health improving and little one at school you will soon be on your feet. Don't let people put your down.

I would say “unfortunately, some families are very complicated.” You shouldn’t have to but it’s confusing from the outside why a parent wouldn’t help their dc if they could. Often not that straightforward.

First of all you have been given vouchers for one food bank so the organisers think you qualify.
The other one is more than likely to stop food going to waste.

Some of these PPs think your DP should work 7 days a week.
Ignore them.

Also go NC with your family they will have a negative impact on your mental health.

Think positively and you will get there.
Good luck

Why the hell am I ridiculous? I have never said that life cannot change. I have said that with the free childcare hours there is no reason her husband can't work full time whilst she works part time until she is better. He is working about 80% of full time, so he could make 20% more. They have children that they have a duty to house and feed and they have the capacity to do so but they choose to use food banks and blame her mum for not subsidising them.

I am all for people using food banks, and I think it's great that families such as the OP's family can do so for a period of time if they are temporarily struggling but it's a limited resource and if you can support yourself that should be first priority.

Nobody has said that he should work 7 days a week. He currently works 80% over 4 days, he could easily up that to full time and they will have 20% more disposable income.

I've been there op. Many years ago. I'm so so sorry your family are like this. In my own large family we help each other. If one's struggling we all muck in. Just like my grandparents did back when things were hard for them. People have lost that family way nowadays.

I wish you all the best (ignore that so called friend) x

If your family won't help you then it doesn't matter how well off they are. I would say it's about your own immediate circumstances, not whether you have a well off family. I used a food bank once when my income was cut off and I had nothing. My sister would have fed me but it wasn't her problem, I needed to get support myself in an emergency and was entitled to a voucher. At the time I had no choice. I'm relieved to know that if I were in that situation again they would help. It was only the most basic of essentials, I still needed to find a way to make meals from what they gave me but it got me through in an emergency which is what it was for.

I am not white DH father was racist and a misogynist when he died he left everything to his DD. Her partner at the time was a waste of space but at least he was white in my FIL eyes.

I am just pleased that the sight of his only grandchildren being mixed race pissed him off.

No need to make any sort of huge announcement but go low or no contact with your family. You were already out of favour and then did something they didn’t approve of. Nothing will change them. Having them in your lives is bad for your health.

@Notaskingmuch

You say your husband's parents help when they visit from abroad but otherwise, they can't afford to.

Could you ask them to not spend money on visiting and send that money to you instead.

I'm a lone parent to twins and work 5 jobs! I also have poor health but that doesn't matter because I should be working myself into an early grave.

This site can be brilliant at times but fucking hell some people on this thread haven't got a fucking clue!!!

Bloody hell some of the posts on here.... didn't realise that if you have health issues and can't work you still must work and it's all your fault and how dare you not predict the future and have children when you were going to get ill and a cost of living crisis happened?? Don't you know it's Britain we don't spend time with our children growing up and must work morning noon and night to prove we are decent moral human beings 😂😂 then obvs spend the wages on childcare but that's acceptable... weird parents wanting to raise their own children!

I cant blame you if you are no longer reading, @Notaskingmuch. Some of the responses have been self-righteous or downright nasty.

But I'm sure you and your husband are doing the best you can. It can't be easy to squash a full working week into 4 days and spend the rest of the time looking after your child. Not to mention you working despite not being fully recovered from your accident.

I hope you can ignore your friend's comments and the hard of understanding posters here. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Has your DH suffered from any addiction issues (alcohol, drugs, gambling, cigarettes)? As I can see why they might not want to financially support that, through money or goods - it's what family of addicts are advised to do.

No, her mother is just racist.

WTF

Go and have a word with yourself!

I like this. So the OP is being truthful about her work situation but LYING about her toxic family? Is that it?
🙄🙄🙄

Yes unbelievably crass.

Hey OP, I’m the manager of a foodbank. We do ask for referrals and we do review people after a certain period but in your circumstances, we’d absolutely give you food and wouldn’t take you off our lists, irrespective of what your family circumstances are. I’m really sorry you are in this situation. You aren’t alone.

I would really urge you to talk to your local citizens advice or even your local councillor who should be able to tell you whether your council are providing any discretionary help, just to make sure you are getting all possible entitlement.

My parents don't support my sibling financially any more due to multiple addiction issues after years of support. They are also now worried about their very old age and needing to pay for care. They aren't 'cunts' or 'bastards'. Sibling uses food banks. No shame in using the food bank and lots of reasons why parents might not want to give financially.

Totally missing the point 🙄

I thought the parents just didn’t help from abroad not that they couldn’t afford to? Either way, surely it is better to send money than visit. The OP can’t feed her children ffs?! I can’t think what is more important than that.