For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

I agree with what @neighboursmustliveon said above, @Notaskingmuch.

But I voted that you are being unreasonable. I did so because you didn't tell your friend acquaintance why you were using the food bank when she had either seen you, or you had told her that you do so.

I know OP that you shouldn't have to, and indeed you don't have to, tell anyone anything - apart from the people running the food banks - about why you are using the food banks. However, if you, very reasonably IMO, don't want people thinking erroneously about why you are using them, then I'm afraid that you will need to explain to the people who's opinions you do care about, why, even though you have a comfortably well off family, they refuse to help you.

I can only think of one reason why I would not help you OP if you were one of my family members, and I could afford to do so, and that would be if I had been strongly advised by trusted experts, to treat you with "Tough Love". I am sure you know that the times when "tough love" is usually needed is when a family member or loved one, has some kind of self destroying behaviour/addiction, such as:

Drug addiction, or

Alcohol addiction, or

Being addicted to buying unnecessary, and ultimately useless objects etc, even though the addict cannot afford to do so.

These addictions, and probably several others as well, may ultimately and tragically, lead to the addicts death, so if someone is guilt tripped into helping their loved one in their addiction by either giving them money directly, or helping them pay their bills, or by even buying food for them, then the person helping them could actually be helping their loved one into an early grave.

We cannot know your personal situation OP, but whatever it is, I do feel very sorry for you. If your family are deliberately not helping you because they are just horrible people, then again I do have a lot of sympathy for you. If you do, or have done, everything in your power to afford to feed yourself, then as I said at the beginning of my post, it may unfortunately, but probably, be in your own best interest, to tell the judgemental people in your life, the truth. Of course, you are the only one who knows the whole truth about your situation, so all I can say is that I wish you the very best, and I hope that you make the correct decisions for you xx

That's so lovely @Bigminnie1. I'm not from that kind of family but it's great they exist and that you're empathic to those people in less fortunate circumstances.

ok my maths wasn’t great I thought he was working over 35+ hours now I read he’s working 33 hours. If that is correct my overall point still stands though he is working close to full time hours - in most jobs I’ve had full time is 37.5 hours. Plus I assume, as pp have said, there’s only so much he can work when he’s having to do a lot more for OP/ kids due to OP’s health problems.

I feel that 15 years ago someone working 33 hours with a partner who also does a couple of days would not have to be using a food bank. Instead of people picking at the OP they could consider the moral decline of our government, society and systems that this is now the case and it’s not by accident - oh but on the plus side major companies are still raking it in and making record profits - hurrah 🙄 just wait for it to “trickle down”

I don't understand why you're getting such a hard time - you're unable to work full time due to health issues, and you don't have family support, so you temporarily need to fall back on food bank charities.
Yes, it would be great if you were able to work full time, or your DM provided some financial support, but she doesn't. I'm sure that many other food bank users are in a similar situation.

OP please ignore @TheLadyofShalott1's advice. They obviously don't understand about narcissistic families. If you explain everything to judgemental or narcissistic people they are more likely to use that information against you. You just have to read this thread to see that.

Ignore the judgement of posters who are saying you need to work more etc. You're clearly doing the best you can. And no, YANBU for using a food bank. It's there to help, you need help- wherever you can get it.
I hope that your situation improves soon, and then you'll be in a position to help other people!

The DP’s parents could still help from abroad. Ever heard of bank transfers?

OP, I think you need help with budgeting and one of you needs to do more hours.

You only want the gory details about her accident so you can judge that it doesn’t meet your threshold of ‘worthy of time to recover’. Have a word with yourself, honestly!

If your family aren't offering any support then it's irrelevant to your situation and has no effect on your food bank use. Unfortunately as can be seen on this thread people judge all the time so it really is better to keep any benefit or food bank use private. People hate the idea other people are getting something they don't.
I also think you and your husband are doing an amazing job to work the hours that you do with young children and health issues to contend with

If you haven't already check whether you are entitled to anything else and see if there is anything you can cut from your budget. Am sure you've already done so but just incase

YANBU food bank use is based on the household. @Snoken Is being ridiculous. Of course life can change in unforeseen ways before or after children are born.

Ignore the friend. If you are getting vouchers for a food bank then someone independent of you is saying you definitely have need.

You want Op to divulge her medical information to you? What the actual fuck man, listen to yourself. Who do you think you are?

Also if you had even glanced at OPs post you could have worked out all of the answers to your snippy little questions yourself.

OP is physically exhausted from working so her husband can't work evenings because she us unable to look after the children so he does. I'm going to guess he also wants a bit of sleep because he's looking after the kids the following day too... unless you think he should be sleep deprived and in charge of minors or when he is at work? How responsible. Not to mention his health could (will) take a nose dive after so long working all hours under the sun. They can't afford that now can they?

You would be heartbroken your children didn't work full time? Says a lot about you tbh.

Her husbands parents are not financially well off, but help when they visit the UK, I'm not really sure why you're struggling to glean this information. It's all in the OPs posts.

Most professionals work at least 40, often 50
Most professionals aren't also caring for a partner recovering from an accident and children I'd wager like. I don't know a single 'professional' who regularly work 50 hours, working time regs state you shouldn't work over 48hrs a week. Yes you CAN opt out of that, but lets not pretend that is the norm.

The fucking contempt oozing out of you for people who are struggling is absolutely vile. OP is exactly the type of family who benefits and catchment nets should be there to help. They aren't slobbing around watching TV and fucking off work all day then rocking up to a food bank. They are working the maximum hours that the can for their situation right now, OP has said when she is well and one of the kids is in school they will increase hours. Nothing about them screams waster but you've seen the words food bank and benefits and started frothing at the mouth.

This is why many community pantries et c do not ask questions. Exactly this. You owe no one an explanation.

I hope you find support you deserve. Make use of your community as much as you need. There are many warm SpaceS , neighbour groups et c.and They are there to help.

Threads like this really illustrate how middle class this place is, how lacking in compassion it can be and how some posters really, really dislike poor people.

Thanks some pp- showing me exactly what’s wrong with this country and why we have such a heartless government.

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods i think we had the same thought at the same time.

Can you tell us a bit about your accident and what it's impact on your health has been please? who do you need to know that? presumably OP knows what she can or can't do.

I’m sorry but you need to work full time. I work full time. I’m a single parent. I have no choice. You will get child care tax credits. Full time enables you to build up a decent pension for later life, it might enable you to save… who knows. I wouidnt help if I knew you worked part time and I worked full time.

He's the sort if chap who'd rather rely on benefits/charity.

If she were to reduce that to 16 would they not qualify for universal credit?

Well you changed your tune quickly. So are OP and her husband benefit scroungers or not? @RosesAndHellebores

Do you struggle with reading comprehension in your full time job? The OP has explained why she can't currently work full time.

Nah they don't. No where I've worked would put people on a 40-50 hour contract. 830-5 is standard

@Notaskingmuch, sorry but I posted my first post on this thread straight after reading @neighboursmustliveon post that I quoted there.

Normally, I would at least read all of the OP's posts on a thread before I posted my own thoughts, but this time I stupidly - I don't know why - didn't follow my own rules, and now, reading the posts backwards from my own post, I have obviously missed some very pertinent points given by you! I will continue reading your posts in the right order now, sorry again OP. 💐

Fucksake have you even read the OPs posts?

If I'm being honest - based on the info you've given - I'd think 2 grown adults only working part time were not maximising their situation. Health issues aside my parents worked 2-3 jobs during the recessions to get through it. You are able to work since you do it part time and obviously no health issues with your husband. Adding a few extra hours on to your work for both of you would be enough to start decreasing your reliance on food bank surely?

Your family are being cruel. Cut all contact for a bit for the sake of your mental health
I hope you are in a better place soon @Notaskingmuch , you don't have to explain yourself

Nothing wrong at all with using food banks. That's why we have them.
Your mum and friend are horrible.

My mum was like that too. I remember leaving an abusive marriage with 2 small children. I didn't come right out and ask but made it clear we were out of food. She said, I'm sure you'll figure something out.

Yeah, I went to a neighbor and asked if they had a few tins of soup and some bread we could have.

Thankfully the mean ol bat is dead.