Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

638 replies

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 05:18

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

OP posts:
Toomuchtoolong · 08/03/2023 14:16

its shocking how many people are well off and so so out of touch of the reality of many and I’m sorry that your family are not helping you! Absolutely no judgement for using food banks, that’s what they are there for. Hopefully things will be on the up once you can start working more, on international woman’s day I think it’s important to highlight how we as women are so so so disadvantaged in the workplace or progressing our careers, increasing hrs etc all because of the cost of childcare! In Germany childcare is supported by government and there is costs per year the same as 1 month here! Make me raged , however you are doing a wonderful job raising your family while help and family support is not a given and you should be proud of that xx

zorgoid · 08/03/2023 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

It's called a phased return to work. It's not a good idea to go all out.

And you can't put the kids early and go out to work on painkillers what if there's a fire for a start. Social services would be on to you.

Somebodiesmother · 08/03/2023 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, your decision to deprive someone in need of food on a petty whim is all OP's fault. Get a grip!

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2023 14:18

lifestyle choice?

i didnt know having an accident was a choice the things you learn eh

MangoPi · 08/03/2023 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

what on earth? Not often I see posts as vile as this on here.

cadburyegg · 08/03/2023 14:18

It's not a misconception. I used to run a business where lots of workers would try to limit their hours as they said it would affect their UC top ups. So there is clearly some perverse incentive in the system which means people don't necessarily work the full hours they could because they will overall lose out

Then your knowledge of the system is outdated because under UC there is no limit to the amount of hours you can work, as is clearly stated here

www.gov.uk/universal-credit/how-your-earnings-affect-your-payments

Eloradannin2nd · 08/03/2023 14:19

Notaskingmuch · 08/03/2023 07:34

Dh works sat 8-6, sun 9-4, Mon 8-6 and tues 8-6.
I work wed, Thu, Fri 930-4
In sep/oct (whenever youngest is full time and settled) I’ll be able to add an extra day and dh can work more so this is temporary but I need to have the time between now and then to make sure my health is ok

Looking at those hours, her DH works 36 hours which is almost full time? I work 3 x 10 hour shifts and I’m full time.

Eloradannin2nd · 08/03/2023 14:20

Sorry, I work 4x 10 hours!!!

RemoteControlDoobry · 08/03/2023 14:20

I’d just have told her the truth.

And now, as well as having to justify your use of the food bank to your ‘friend’., you’re having to do it fifty times over on here.

You know full well you’re entitled to use it so trust yourself. You’re looking for validation (because you didn’t get it from your awful mother?) but there are some mean people on here with little empathy. Only you really knows your situation.

cadburyegg · 08/03/2023 14:20

I also agree that op's dh does work full time, I work for a well known employer and full time contracts are for 36.5 hours a week, plenty of people work these hours compressed over 4 days, they're still working full time

RemoteControlDoobry · 08/03/2023 14:21

Look at Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube….you have a bit more work to do. Good luck.

Birdsbirdsbirds · 08/03/2023 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I bet you go to elevenereife on holiday too. What a joke.

RomeoOscarXrayIndigoEcho · 08/03/2023 14:23

@cadburyegg that's good to know. So perhaps the OP should run her figures through the entitled to calculator as they are right now?

Doing that plus getting help with any debt they may be in might be a big part of the answer.

OP - there's some practical things you could do. Use the entitled to calculator. Check out Turn 2 Us and also see what advice you can get for debt.

Follow Martin Lewis MSE and the £10 a day threads.

You don't need your DM for this, you could do it on your own.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:24

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:02

use childcare like we do!!

Show quote history

Does it take up all your salary?

cadburyegg · 08/03/2023 14:24

I had an accident too, 3 years ago, do you know what I did? Took lots of painkillers, I put the dc to bed early with an audio story and coped!!!! It’s not difficult!

Then you should have more empathy for people.

You have no idea of how the accident has affected the op and what the long term damage has been to her health. My cousin has been paralysed in one arm since an accident in his early 20s, I suppose you'd tell him to "just take painkillers and get on with it"

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:25

Birdsbirdsbirds · 08/03/2023 14:22

I bet you go to elevenereife on holiday too. What a joke.

Show quote history

I know, she apparently works 50 hours in a very important job, but just so happens to not be working today because of snow. Instead of working from home.

And lo and behold, she had an accident too! Only she just got on with it. Because she’s better than the OP.

Absolute jokes. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some sock-puppeting going on on this thread…

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:26

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 13:12

Are you unable to read? Or understand? Or read and understand? He works ten hour days in the days the OP has the children. On the day she works (as advised by her consultant after her accident) she works 9:30-4, and he provides the wraparound childcare. He’s currently working 37 hours, condensed into four days. That’s full time. Anything over 35 is full time. He also cares for his wife.

The cost of everything has gone up. Money doesn’t go as far as it used to.

Now, you apparently work 50 hours but have tonnes of time to berate poor and immigrant people online. Perhaps, if the OP’s H’s job was as cushy as yours seems to be, he’d have enough left in the tank to work longer-than-ten-hour-days, alas he doesn’t.

Show quote history

He works 37 hours condensed over four days across two weeks. That's not full time.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ever been to a foodbank?

Maybe go and educate yourself

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:27

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 13:44

Absolutely!! Unless you agree op should continue their life style choice of bare minimum whilst using much needed food banks you are screamed at and insulted. Only on here there appears to be new levels of entitlement.

You do know you get very basic stuff (mostly) at foodbanks?

You're not living it up on caviar and champagne

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:27

Autumndays123 · 08/03/2023 14:26

He works 37 hours condensed over four days across two weeks. That's not full time.

Show quote history

Where are you getting that it’s across two weeks?

BadNomad · 08/03/2023 14:28

Is there any chance she meant it in a supportive way? As in "It's ridiculous that your family don't help you. You shouldn't need to be relying on foodbanks!" It's just a strange judgement to make and then actually say to a person. (Though, after reading the rest of this thread, it's clear these ignorant, judgement, gobby people are everywhere.)

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2023 14:28

Of course you have hadan accident sprinchicken you and are also running a charity anything else we missed

ilovesooty · 08/03/2023 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

the benefits lot

Who would those be then?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 08/03/2023 14:30

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2023 14:28

Of course you have hadan accident sprinchicken you and are also running a charity anything else we missed

They were pissing me off so I committed the cardinal sin and ASed them. Posting history is now consistent with what they claim on here.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 14:30

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 14:06

Then move?

Show quote history

Oh your just being fucking goady now.