For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

There is a lot of faux outrage on here.
What is striking are the number of people that feel entitled to ‘not live to work, but work to live’ you are not entitled to anything! Not here and nowhere else in the world. The onus as a fully grown adult capable of reproducing generously is to fund yourself - not expect others to bankroll your existence! Are you actually raising children to expect others to pay their bills and clothe, feed them??

It is one thing falling on hard times and using a food bank of course, that is what they are there for. Quite another to work part time - ge
just because your kids are only young once?! Aren’t everyones! And budget with scarce work hours and factor in the food bank that other people are paying for as part of a long term budget plan!

If the food banks are abused like this, people will just stop donating. I doubt we will want to work exhausting hours to fund people that choose to ‘live their best lives’ on part time hours. There are plenty of jobs that can be done to accommodate health needs. Step up your hours op. Yes people do and will judge because there is no reason why your dp can’t work more hours or take a second job.

The attitude of some people really annoy me, there is no ‘rule’ that states when an adult is struggling that other family members have to support them. Obviously I think it’s wrong that they don’t support you at all but equally my husband would like to retire but we have to carry on working because we are supporting others. So sometimes my daughter uses the food bank and nappy bank because some months (variable wage) when the CMS have taken their amount they are left with £500 before rent and bills get paid. It’s all wrong.

That's partly my point, they can't rely entirely on charity for something so important such as feeding their children. Foodbanks have shortages too and the demand is bigger than the supply in many areas. Therefore it would be much better to work harder to be able to have a life where they don't rely on charitable contributions. I am not saying that they shouldn't be allowed to go to the food bank for help at the moment, they clearly need it, but they could make some small changes in order to be in a better and safer situation.

I agree that OP is not in good enough health to work more right now but the DH works 33 hours (he will have unpaid lunch breaks within the hours stated) which is roughly 80% of full time (40h). They should have access to free nursery hours since the child is about to start school this year too.

It’s not for anyone else to say who is/isn’t in need and your friend isn’t really a friend if she’s judging you. You and your kids deserve to eat, whatever the circumstances and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.

What I would say is don’t be so open - as you have learned some people are twats. Also, don’t cover for your mum. She’s doing you no favours so don’t be afraid to let people know that she’s refusing to help you. She’s a nasty piece of work and you deserve better.

My darling mum used to pick up basics for me and my adult siblings and none of us are in need. If she saw something on offer or knew that the kids liked it she would just buy it and never took a penny even though we offered. She used to say that children are expensive and she wanted to help. That’s what a normal parent does. In fact I don’t know a single parent who could refuse their dc or dgc food, most wouldn’t have to be asked. Yanbu and I hope things get better for you.

Step up your hours op. Yes people do and will judge because there is no reason why your dp can’t work more hours or take a second job.

FFS.

Idiotic poster. Had it all explained to them but still don’t understand.

Where there is a will to be self sufficient there is a way. The friend most likely was expressing what everyone else is thinking.

Not sure why they both work pt either. Nobody works Wednesday. I can see someone asked but cannot see the reply.
And OP are you claiming all the childcare you can ?

No wonder so many people on mumsnet don't have any friends. So much coldness and lack of empathy.

Come to that are you claiming all the things you could ? Help with energy costs etc. Has anyone been through it with you?

Who are these people telling you that?

This is life style choice, which is why it has annoyed so many people!

People are horrible on here, they could just take the OPs word for it on the situation but feel entitled to every little detail!

OP of course you need the Food Bank at the moment: that’s what it’s for. You shouldn’t cover things up though…just say you have zero family support if this ever arises again…that “friend” who queried you is a CF and should butt out!

Yeah, OP chose to have an accident.

I totally sympathcise OP, but just wondering if DH could get a bar job in the evenings on the days you work? My DH worked 37.5 hours (well more than that as on flexi) and managed to get a couple of evenings a week doing bar work in a leisure centre. Alongside that he got himself retrained in another field, so was able to do a different out of hours job if he chose (which he's still doing).

I don’t judge. In fact I couldn’t give a flying fuck why someone uses a food bank. I would far rather that than children going hungry.

This isn’t the case with op, but even the children of the most feckless, lazy parents win the world who haven’t worked a day in their lives and spend all of their money on Sky TV, booze and fags (may as we get all the nasty stereotypes in) deserve to eat. They didn’t ask to be born into poverty and they shouldn’t be allowed to starve, however few hours their parents work. They absolutely are ‘entitled’ to a decent start in life, just like your dc and mine.

So speak for yourself with your nasty post. I will never stop donating to food banks because they are not being abused while ever hungry children are being fed.

Tell me you’re a judgemental privileged moron without telling me you’re a judgmental privileged moron.

To those questioning the OP.
I think some of the questions are to see if people can try to help. Not to scorn.

And food banks.
Some people do think food banks are abused. Not suggesting the OP is doing so.
Some food banks do not ask any questions at all. Just turn up.
So sadly you will probably have some people who go to pick up food that was intended for someone who needed it.
And sadly there will be people who will do that.
I once watched a programme on food banks. A woman turned up in a 4x4. The cameras then followed her home. All mod cons and newly furnished. She certainly did not seem like someone desperate. Driving a gas guzzler.
Such people give food banks a bad name.

From some of the replies on here you’d think the OP and her husband were sat at home doing nothing! Looking after kids is also a full time job!

It all sounds really shit. Whoever made that comment to you isn't really a friend.

I see you have a plan to increase hours when childcare and health allow. Could you also factor in (somehow) preparing or up-skilling for a better paid job? So that you could work fewer hours but be paid more per hour?

That would help too. Perhaps your partner could do the same.

It wouldn’t surprise me if half the people making horrible comments are only 3/4 pay checks and an accident or health issue away from the same circumstances themselves.
Some of it is like that Monty python sketch.
why can’t they see it shouldn’t be a race to the bottom!

OP, don't ever talk to friends about your financial situation. I have learnt this the hard way. There is a lot of spite and envy in the world at the moment. Just do what you have to do and look for ways to improve your situation later when you recover.

It has to be said, why hasn’t op thought of this? How much effort is really going into a self made solution.

I have the greatest compassion for those that work hard and are severely injured, cope with cancer or bereavement that prevent them from support themselves over a period of time. I have no sympathy for lifestyle choices of part time hours!

It’s not cruel to expect people to be responsible for themselves. Jeez if you listened to some on here one could imagine that they expect to live at tax payers expense in the lap of luxury without lifting a finger as a human right!

Are you purposely trying to troll?

This is most definitely a dh problem! What kind of healthy man works less than the bare minimum and use foodbanks. Have you challenged your dh on this op?

You should tell your parents you don't want to see them any more if they won't help you. Why give time and head space to a relationship where there is no love or affection? If they cared about you and could afford to, they would help.