For using a foodbank when my family are relatively well off ?

[Notaskingmuch]

But won’t help me ?

I was told yesterday by someone I know that ‘you know foodbanks are for people with no other choice and no support at all not ones who could get help from family’

The thing is my family WONT help me.

I can’t explain to people my family dynamics, how dm is narcissistic and I’m the scapegoat. How she’s happy to have both my dsis round for regular get together a where they have nice meals or go out to restaurants but I’m not invited , that they get invited round for afternoon tea but I don’t ….etc etc

Once recently when I was desperate I asked could I borrow a few staple food items and got told ‘I don’t have much here sorry’ on another occasion I asked could I borrow £20 to do a basic shop and was told ‘sorry no-you need to support yourself’ (from someone who owns their home outright , has a DP who still works and earns well and who regularly treats her other 2 daughters)

So we use a food bank, well 2 actually as one is church run and unlimited and the other is via a voucher and limited.

i can’t bring myself to have to explain as I’m exhausted and wish she had kept her comment to herself. I can see it looks like somethings off as she knows my family but I just don’t want to be judged she clearly thinks I’m a CF though .

Couldn't agree more.

It certainly is.

The Victorian attitude towards people who are struggling (most often through no fault of their own) is horrific. Particularly as the family members who will suffer most aren't the "feckless" parents who shouldn't have had children if they couldn't guarantee at least 20 years of full employment and excellent health, but those children themselves.

Some people on here should be ashamed of themselves.

It’s not irrelevant if your parents can afford and are willing to be generous. I would never see my adult DC struggle and would always help if they needed it - we can afford it. Obviously there’s a line between bankrolling them and helping out in dire need - no excuse not to help your DC if they’re going through tough times.
The OP’s family sound awful, but that’s not the norm. It’s different if the DC don’t want help but it’s not the case here.

family that could help are irrelevant if they won’t.

the other comments though sound like she’s fed up of being asked for things. She’s said no on two occasions, but how many times has she said yes? It seems like you’re comfortable asking her for things, and have the expectation that she should provide them.

On the working hours lots of professionals do work 50 hours a week but (& it’s a huge but) they generally have a fair bit of flexibility about when they do those hours and can fit them around other things. Also most families with 2 professional workers will have enough income to fund help (childcare, cleaners, gardeners, using meal boxes/takeaways etc etc). It’s not comparable.

My OH and I both typically do 45-50 hours a week full time equivalent (he actually does 35-40 but he only works 4 days at the moment) but I can work 7-4 in the office with a lunch break and then I’ll usually do some work after 8 a couple of evenings and pick up some email at the weekend. It’s not uncommon for me to walk along to school pick up on a work call or to be answering queries while my kids are at their swimming lesson or while I’m making the tea. It’s really really not the same as having to physically be at work for 50 hours

I mean use the food bank if you need it, but couldn't one of you (the higher earner) go ft and just one of you pt? I don't understand why childcare requires 2 people to be pt? You have to juggle, my parents worked opposite shifts to make it work, we couldn't have survived on pt wages or afforded childcare. I think you need to try and work a solution out yourselves rather than getting annoyed otherwise people won't give you money or help. We all make plans before we have children, what was the plan for childcare before having your children?

Why do people not help financially or practically when they clearly could ?
Who knows unless they tell you but ....

Sometimes it might be because if they are very old they never had any help during very hard times. No welfare state to speak of and certainly not like today, no food banks, and have a hardened attitude. With the welfare state and food banks they cannot see why someone cannot get help.

If older they are very anxious about their future care costs which are thousands of pounds a week if self funding. And they don't want to be in a social services home. So spend very little and save all.

Sometimes family can get used to turning to the bank of mum and dad as it is known. Frequently. Sometimes people are rigid in what work they will take/can do. And decide they will not or cannot do too wide a range of jobs. So remain out of work. They focus on what they cannot do not what they can do.

Parents of frequent askers may feel they have failed. The child now adult is not financially independent. Will this be a regular request ?
They may have other children who they haven't given a bean to. And feel guilty because of this.

The manner of asking might not be quite right. If someone just asks it might not be what helps. If you said asked for advice or if someone could help work out a budget to see how better things could be done ( you might be missing something obvious) or say I have planned what I need to do to work things through it looks more positive as though you are wanting to make and taking steps to manage.

It is awful to be in dire straits. Whether you work or not. But there is a lot of help out there. From working out budget and frugal meal plans to housing costs, reducing council, help with energy costs etc. The help you can ask for isn't always money.

Try actually reading the thread 🙄

I agree. Some of the posters who've seen fit to be so callous and judgemental are all over posts about benefit claimants, refugees, asylum seekers and anyone else who's deemed "lesser". They're not entitled to the OP's medical details either.

I find it really upsetting, people are so smug. I had a tough time in the 70s and my mum's help was a Godsend, I can't imagine what it must be like to be doing your best and people put the boot in.

YANBU at all, what a horrible thing to say to you. I hope things improve for you and your family very soon.

Sorry things are so tough for you OP 💐

I know my mum’s help has prevented us from using food banks a few times. They reckon most of us are two payslips away from food banks.

People don’t realise until they’re in that situation.

Thank you. At last someone who can use common sense and add up

Yea, you probably shouldn't tell people to fuck off. It's a nasty way to speak to someone. All I really said is that they can't afford to both work part time and that they have to work towards supporting themselves as we shouldn't rely on charity to feed our children. It's too unreliable. Fine if it is very short term but in the long run at least one parent has to work full time.

Wow, reading these posts it makes me wonder if we will ever have a non Conservative government. Understanding and empathy seem to be in very short supply around here.

OP it sounds like between you and your partner you are working and caring for your children to your full abilities. I hope your situation improves by September; it won’t if you don’t follow your consultants advice to not overdo things during recovery from an accident. I’m glad you can look forward to a time that things will be better. If mortgage/rent, heating, fuel and food hadn’t shot up then you’d likely be managing without using a food bank.

As it is the food bank is helping your family through a tough time when your family won’t and will not judge you for needing that help. Don’t feel embarrassed that you need help, the number of food banks around show that you are not alone. You might feel better going NC with your family though as their meanness and racism will only damage your own little family.

Some posters aren’t even attempting to hide their gleeful hate of poor people, having clearly decided they’re simply poor because they’ve made bad choices.

And so many posters can’t even take the time to read the posts written by the OP (who I doubt will be back).

One poster genuinely seems to believe the OP should have foreseen her accident and the cost of living crisis and planned her childcare accordingly. I mean…fucking come on.

I hope things get better op
It's a situation that can happen to anyone and it's sad that family don't help temporarily or in emergencies.

It's so unnatural that parents don't help their children if they are in a situation to do so that most people think the child must be at fault etc
There really are strange parents out there who favour some of their children over others or feel the children should be independent
Gosh life is so short, what's the point of perfection

OP’s DH is working 37 hours a week and caring for DC and OP after she’s exhausted from working part time. And thankfully they can rely on charity to help feed their DC as they certainly can’t rely on OP’s family.

You are perfectly entitled to use the food bank. Your parents sound awful. I wouldnt let any children of mine go without basics. Hope things improve for you.

OP has 2 children. Not "multiple children", which seems to imply that she has 10.

Exactly. Language used by posters to demonise her as feckless.

"I mean use the food bank if you need it, but couldn't one of you (the higher earner) go ft and just one of you pt? I don't understand why childcare requires 2 people to be pt? You have to juggle, my parents worked opposite shifts to make it work, we couldn't have survived on pt wages or afforded childcare. I think you need to try and work a solution out yourselves rather than getting annoyed otherwise people won't give you money or help. We all make plans before we have children, what was the plan for childcare before having your children?"

Why didn't you try at least to read the thread before you posted such cruel drivel @OheeOheeOh

When Child Benefit was introduced it was paid to the mother, because back then even the Govt understood that its irrelevant how much other family members earn; you can be penniless.

If its a choice between using the foodbank, shoplifting or going hungry; use the foodbank.

At the point when I wrote multiple the OP hadn't said how many children she had, just that there was one referred to as the youngest so I assumed more than one, ie multiple. I did not mean to imply that she had 10 children just more than 1.

It was more about the fact that most women did not work. Child benefit was the only money they were entitled to. It was up to the husband if he stumped any of his wage up

I find that attitude of some posters on this thread in particular to be astounding.
If I were you OP I would cut the family off because they are not Family at all. Not in the sense that I think of