Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

Hilarious 😂

I assume you are being sarcastic.

Unless he's super-advanced for his age, goes shopping alone and hands over his cash he can't have bought it himself!

Tell them he's is thinking of learning guitar/drums/whatever to make a metal band with his friends.

Then talk about the difficulty of finding music tutors at weekends and practice space with a serious face.

If they can wind you up, you can wind them up.

God yes. Mine was bald as a coot until about one and the number of pretty headbands people gave me to be helpful

I always cringe slightly at ‘zanily’ dressed children but then again I love clothes. If people don’t care how they look I suppose it won’t register with them.
Brilliant 😂 how much practice does this kind of thing take?

I know they do. But at 10 their parents are still meant to be looking after them, which means ensuring they are presentable. Nothing to stop your son having presentable hair whilst he is growing it out (though yea I think it’s very rarely the actual child’s idea)

Touch a nerve there.

Meh, I had it in my policies that I took no responsibility for the clothes getting damaged whilst in my care. Solid policies that parents agree to and sign are the answer there, don't want to risk it? Don't send them in it.

Which would be fine if you also expect girls of the same age to have it short, but most people don't. They think it's fine for girls to have long hair, but ion boys it's messy, too hot, ettc

It's pure admiration, honestly! :)

Ignore the comments, my DD used to dress like Bet Lynch on acid as a pre schooler and I used to let her. Anything animal print, glittery, sparkles, wellies, beads, bangles the lot, she loved it all and wore it all at once.

It made me smile that she chose her own clothes, it was her expressing herself and she looked utterly ridiculous and cute at the same time. Wellies, shorts, hat, a Disney princess dress over leopard print leggings.

It's not long until they grow up, I say let your DS wear whatever he likes.

A tutu is dressing up clothing - not easy to wash, not good for slides and generally a useless item of clothing regarding practicality - which is why it’s dress up wear. I wouldn’t comment though.

i have not read the whole thread.. just the OP and a few responses. OP.. I am the mother that got weird looks too. My son between 5 and 6 fought me to wear ANYTHING other than his power ranger costume. The issue? It was the pink one LMAO. This was the original power rangers. My ex told me that I was "making him gay" "embarrassing him because I took HIS son out in public like THAT!" That son.. is now 31 years old. 6'4. married with a gorgeous little girl (that loves her spiderman pj's and wears them to shopping lol) He works in construction. Def NOT gay, but if he was, would not matter to me as I love him and accept him for whoever he is. He has not seen his father since he was 15. People need to stop labelling children. An item of clothing does not make them trans...gay..straight ANYTHING. They are children and they should be allowed to enjoy the very fleeting stage of life that is just that...childhood. OP.. embrace your little ones quirks as they grow up too fast and someday these will be your most cherished memories. Team Tutu here!!!

If he loves wearing his tutu, let him crack on. Although I do find it a bit out there to let him wear it every day and to nursery. not because hes a boy and its a tutu, but because surely kids need a bit of guidance sometimes. My dd had a favourite princess dress, she'd wear it at home and if we popped to the shops fine. But I put my foot down at it being worn for nursery/pre school how ever much she begged, because it wasn't practical and because sometimes you can't just let kids do/wear whatever they want all the time. If m y son had his way at age 4, he'd of turned up everywhere wearing only his pants and wellies! It also wouldn't have been well received at nursery for a kid to turn up in dressing up clothes.

And for what its worth if we went to the shops/park whereever and she was in her princess dress, people looked and sometimes commented. I think you'd be a bit naive to think people wouldn't take a second look at a little boy in a tutu. Of course they should mind their own business and he can wear what he wants, but in reality its not an everyday sight, lets face it, and we do not live in a lovely accepting world where people go about their days in tutus.

If he is happy and you are happy, I don't understand why it would bother you at all what people think? If you are worried about the comments affecting your son, perhaps reign in the tutu wearing at pre school, or just explain to your son that its not often people see other people in tutus and if hes happy to continue wearing it, no issue.

I would be mindful though that some children can be bloody cruel and hes 4 now. By age 5 attitudes of his classmates may change and he might start being the brunt of someones joke. Its a shit reason and a shit world, but its the unfortunate reality. Some kids are horrid and will use any difference in any other child as a reason to start the bullying. If he is confident and able to brush that kind of thing off, fine. Just be sure he is actually that resilient because effects of bullying can be horrendous.

For what its worth OP, if I saw a little boy in a hulk top and tutu, i'd take a second look but i'd think it was adorable (as long as he seemed happy about his choice of outfit of course!).

I think YABU. You are deliberately ostracising your son to make some sort of point.

Whether you like it or not, society is geared a certain way, and by allowing this you are making it more difficult for your son to fit into the world he’s been born into.

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz Thankyou. I totally agree the lack of inhibitions in young children is something to be treasured in children, it's not something I want to see squashed. Like you say, it's just about balance, and I've always got not wanting things to come as a total shock to them later in the back of my mind.

My youngest DS is in yr6. He wears odd socks pretty much every day. His hair always looks messy because it's hard to tame (short or long), and his clothes only match if he puts on full football kit. He refuses to wear jeans / trousers, so is always either in football / sports shorts or tracksuit bottoms, and tee-shirts / sports jumpers / hoodies. He's got smarter stuff in his cupboard, but won't go near them.

He is perfectly happy dressing as he does. He knows he will have to wear full uniform next year when he's in yr7. But for now, he just wears what he's comfy in and of course I'm fine with that.

I love the comment earlier about how kids with long hair tend to come from households with a higher threshold for less. I won't disagree with that looking around my house! But we're clean and happy

My daughter spent quite some months wearing a bumble bee outfit when she was smaller. No-one ever asked if she was bee-curious. She does like honey, though.

He's 4 FFS. He could dress as a unicorn every day if he wants. It's not going to be any kind of barrier to him becoming a doctor or Prime Minister later in life

God, OP — I read your post and thought it was relatively innocuous and yet you seem to have opened a real can of worms (and had some nasty/really judgemental comments, including a few posters who can’t seem to let it go!) — I’m sorry. FWIW, I know exactly what you mean by the ‘interesting’ comment: when it’s said in a disparaging tone, it IS disparaging. Also, I don’t really see the issue re school: my DD (10) definitely has her own sense of style — mix n match, I’d call it! — and always has, but wears her school uniform very happily during the week and simply saves her more outlandish outfits for weekends. But you seem like a really rounded and robust person — judging from your responses on here — and a great mum. I bet your DS is great too. And hopefully he’ll retain his own sense of style as you have.

we do not live in a lovely accepting world where people go about their days in tutus

We do when they're young kids! If adults have a problem with a toddler in a tutu then I'd suggest the adult needs to address their own hangups and biases.

Make people “fit the world they’ve been born into”?

Should the parents of Ruby Bridges made her fit the world she was born in to?

should Rosa Parks have just fit the world she was born in to?

should Emmeline Pankhurst just fit the world she was born in to?

a world of comforters means nothing will change. We need people prepared to do things differently.

gender stereotypes are not a good thing. The more children and adults prepared to challenge that the better. If we all conform and fit the gendered world we’ve been born in to we’ll never have an equal society.

Or, you know, we could challenge things and change the world a bit? People pushing the boundaries of what society expects is how we ended up with women wearing trousers and riding bicycles (and entering the professions).

A small number of people on this thread are very, very invested in what other families do, and particularly that their pre-schoolers should be taught to dress conventionally. It’s a little odd.

Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

Why are you bothered by what they are saying? Perhaps because we all communicate with each other, either with words or with clothes?

That's bizarre. Three of my four children are boys and have all chosen funky dressing at one time or another. Most people see a 4year old and get it. They're 4! I've never had anyone comment negatively. That's really sad that you have. Just ignore them or laugh it off. They probably don't have kids 🤷‍♀️