Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

teaching them that other people's opinions on their choice of clothing are important, which they aren't, or shouldn't be anyway.

It depends, though, doesn’t it? If you’re going for a job interview, it does matter if the person thinks you don’t know how to dress appropriately for the role. If you go to a funeral, it probably does matter if you turn up in a sparkly pink tutu because, while you may just be “expressing yourself”, others may see you as being enormously disrespectful. For a child in nursery, it does matter if the staff think that child’s clothing is impractical.

I see this time and time again - that people shouldn’t be judged on what they wear. But why not - they’ve actively chosen it. It’s totally different from judging someone for being short, talk, black, white or whatever. We all choose what to wear and, in doing so, send a message to others. I’m sure my clothes today scream “frumpy middle aged woman”. I haven’t put a lot of thought into them, but I have chosen them. So I can’t be surprised if that’s what people think about me. Different with small kids? Yes, it is - but that’s because, as a pp referred to, the kids are generally expressing the parents’ views or sense of style.

I'm super confused about why a tutu is seen as impractical, when it's described as being worn over an outfit. Genuinely, why is it impractical? Isn't a tutu sort of like a fancy belt basically?

Fucking hell, how on earth did we get from the fashions and attitudes of the 70s and 80s to now when it’s considered acceptable to judge and comment on children’s clothes and hair?

I was a kid in the 70s and all kids had pudding bowl haircuts and wore T-shirts and jeans. I had Lego and toy cars as well as dolls. Everyone wore makeup in the 80s, Lady Di short hair was all the rage for girls, the boys had hair down their backs and floral shirts and black nail polish were a thing with my male friends at uni.

WTF happened that gender stereotypes made such a crashing return and who are all these judgy people of my age? What happened to them to turn them into appalling misogynists and homophobes? Wear whatever you bloody like, as long as your pants and your nipples are covered I don’t care. You be you. Especially kids. I love seeing the crazy outfits they put together, why crush that imagination and creativity?!

Oh you would hate me. My kids love dressing up and my youngest wears more costumes than clothes! I really don't see the issue. They are only clothes!

Ha yes! Horrible flashback time. My boys were obsessed with super heroes. They made costumes using their sister's old tights or leggings. A friend made the capes and they had tee shirts with the wee logos. Total cost £5 as opposed to 20 + in the shops.

Anyway some woman went into a rant in the swing park . Disgusting bringing kids out like that blah blah. She was quite young too. Thankfully they were away in their own world on the climbing frame and missed this episode.

If I saw your son I would assume he was neglected.

My son also loved pink and sparkle, almost all children do at age 3-6, and we indulged that often (his bedroom is still pink). But I also recognised my responsibility to teach him about the messages we send to others with our clothes, and social norms. In the same way as brushed hair is appropriate for school and grandparents as a mark of respect, and what we wear to the beach is not what we wear to a funeral, I would not allow him to wear a tutu on public transport. Have you ever seen anyone else, adult or child, in a tutu on public transport? My child wears a kaftan at home and on the beach, he would not be allowed to wear it to a park.

There are colourful boys clothes available, Lands’ End in particular is very good and even M&S has sold us sequin t-shirts cut for boys (we also tried their girls t shirts but they were clingy and slid off the shoulder 🤢).

Definitely don’t restrict his colour choices! But, also teach him what’s appropriate and what message he is choosing to send and that it will adjust others’ reactions to him.

And, as he gets older, keep a close eye on him when he’s colourful in public. My DS has been approached and spoken to three times by lone (very camp) male strangers in parks in what I can only describe as a flirtatious way, because he was wearing a rainbow t shirt (all of them commented on it approvingly). He’s eight. Apparently allowing him to wear a rainbow t shirt means I’m such a cool mum that I’m happy for paedos to leer at him. 🤨

I find this presumption hysterical too given the things my 7 yo still likes to go out wearing, the times we've been out in a tutu and wellies (to a hospital appt no less 😮) or a princess dress etc.

@Newuser82 I wouldn't go as far as to say I would hate anyone over this! But I think I've probably explained my issue with it enough at this point.

Performative bafflement is quite the thing these days, and I'm not even being sarcastic.

Ahhh but that's what makes planning their 18th party so fun 🤩

It's a rare and beautiful thing to truly let your kid express themselves however they want. Tutus are magical, why wouldn't your littley want to wear one, but I think gender is so ingrained in some people that it's incomprehensible.

I guess true freedom is idealistic and maybe partially explains the born in the wrong body phenomenon.

On the other hand, I often do (cynically) assume it is the parent signalling their inclusive credentials rather than the free choice of the child.

So they might be making that assumption about you rather than being shocked by his choice.

A 4 yr old boy only has access to the wardrobe range supplied by his parents.

Your son's wardrobe choice was picked, approved and encouraged by you. You provided the tutus as part of YOUR social statement to other parents of who YOU are, you wild rebel.

Do please read Alexander McCall Smith's social satire series, 44 Scotland St. Poor Bertie and the pink dungarees.

He always looks great

That is your subjective opinion

and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

Because his mother tells him he looks great.

When he goes to school, other little boys are going to express their own opinions on his outfits.

If you're truly a free spirit, provide him with some grey shorts and socks , a white shirt, a school sweatshirt with logo; and THEN let him make his own funky free choice of what to wear.

Don't forget to boost his confidence by telling him he looks great.

Agree with this

Performative bafflement! That’s the term that didn’t exist that I was looking for! This is exactly what’s been irking the life out of me on here for months! Thank you, you just nailed it for me and I feel so much better now!

I don't know. I think it's nice for kids to be creative but I feel there should be adult guidance on what's appropriate too. I don't think a tutu is appropriate for outside the house. Just a bit of common sense needed. It's just preparing them for life a bit.

My god, do people actually still do this?
I thought we'd got past the days of people like my Uncle George nearly spontaneously self combusting when they saw Bowie on Top Of The Pops back in the 70s.
Who on earth thinks it's any of their business (or that anyone's interested in their opinions!) what anyone, adult or child, choose to wear?
My two stepsons have always had longish hair. Their choice, it wasn't affecting anyone else, and they suit it. Eldest is in his late 20s now and dresses Goth bordering on dandy. Youngest is like his dad, jeans and band t shirts.
It's lovely to see little ones (and bigger ones) express themselves, and to feel confident with themselves and their appearance.
I work in a supermarket and it always makes me smile to see children dressed in princess/fairy/unicorn/Batman/Spiderman/dinosaur outfits with their parents doing a shop. You can see they're happy with what they're wearing.
I'm quite envious, if l'm honest. I was a child in the 60s, and l wore what my mother wanted me to. There was never any question of me choosing.
I always had short hair like a boy, and l hated it, I've always been a 'girlie' girl, and I grew it as soon as l could. I still have long hair now, in my mid 60s.
What someone looks like, how they choose to dress, doesn't affect anyone else.
Being judgmental and criticising others does. A child in a tutu doesn't.

Good for you OP! One day he will care what people think absolutely enjoy him expressing his self now! School run dad is a sexist repressed twat

What about a 4yo girl wearing a tutu?

Its OK to dye but not to bleach when pregnant

Genuine question, do you think it's your responsibility to teach your son to follow every social norm there is, or do you think some 'norms' are worth resisting?

I don't know if you have a daughter, but if you did, would you teach her to be quieter, and kinder, and less outspoken than the boys?

They're social norms too.

There will always be 'norms' in our society, but the key thing is that they are always changing. We don't have to knock our kids' creativity out of them before they've even started school just so that they can fit in with the previous generation's set of 'norms'.

If I wanted to wear a tutu on the bus, as an adult, I'd bloody well wear one, and I couldn't give two hoots about whether it fits the 'norm' or not.

🙄 If I heard you express that opinion out loud I would assume you had no idea what neglected actually means.

I can assure you I do, and turning up consistently in mismatched socks, wearing shorts in winter, unkempt and messy hair are all indicators of a lack of parental care. Or at least they would be in a school in a lower income area.

Round my neck of the woods many of the parents are all trying to outdo each other with how ‘zany, eclectically free and fluid’ for want of a million other words, their kids can dress, it’s very contrived and absolutely coming from the parent…. tutu’s on boys is the new Ramones t-shirt (yeah she loves them, she actually asked for the vinyl 🙄) kinda thing. I absolutely love to see a child wearing exactly what they want and their parents embracing that, it’s a beautiful thing. What I hate to see are parents ‘trying’ to make it ‘a thing’. And that, is definitely a thing.

I wore my brothers hand me down dungarees a lot as a child and I remember people commenting on me looking like a boy.

There are photos of me as a toddler in dresses with sparkly hair slides or bows in my short hair.

One of my grandmothers was distressed by the boy comments and used to dress me up and show me off. I think the girly outfits stayed at her house.

One of mine lived in a Spider-Man outfit for a year whenever it was up to him.

People used to comment on that too.

People should keep their personal remarks to themselves in my opinion.