Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

Black joggers and a black long sleeved top and now my son is a goth 😂

Most young girls have their hair up most of the time especially at school. Most of the extra special boys with long hair I see are left to have it hanging straggling round their faces so everyone can marvel at how extra special they and their super cool parents are.

Try cutting a girl’s hair short and deal with the comments then 🙄

Then why not say black tracksuit 🤣

I definitely think this is a good point also. Some people absolutely do project their wild n wacky side on to their kids.

I have. Never had any derogatory comments ever, only compliments about how cute it was. Never see any boys with hair round their face being told that 🤷‍♀️

Well @Eyerollcentral yes my son does wear it down and across his face…because it’s currently at an awkward length to do much of anything else with.

How that relates to me being messy I’ll never know? As it stands my house is reasonably clean and tidy. He and the rest of the children dress well. It’s just a bit of long hair!

I said black trousers with a black top 🤔

You don’t know how your young child being messy with unkempt hair relates to you being messy? Poor kid.

Perhaps they think he might be bullied?

My four year old wore shorts over his trousers yesterday. Nobody said anything. Nobody cares. He said someone at nursery does that and wanted to himself. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Tbh I see more posts like “I’m letting my son express himself he’s wearing a dress” looking for validation and attention than I do judgmental comments. Yes pre-schoolers (and school age children) like to dress up. I am more shocked that anyone actually cares and often think it’s people desperate to be different who interpret anyone’s interest as a criticism.

You said black joggers (in your follow up). Anyway it’s obvious you aren’t really interested in considering any other viewpoint about this and were hoping everyone would pile on and say what beastly people, you are the best super cool mum with a super cool son, go you. When most people actually rightly think it’s fairly cringe.

ODFOD! At any period a child is growing their hair then it goes through a stage of looking a bit unkempt. That does not in anyway relate to parents being messy!

When most people actually rightly think it’s fairly cringe.
Surely most people simply couldn't care less? Some people on this thread do seem very invested, though, you're right.

I don’t think I’m open minded enough to let my son wear fancy dress (this would include a Batman costume as well as a tutu), but I’d let him choose any combination out of his wardrobe.

However, although I’d give him the choice it would be out of a wardrobe filled largely with typically boys/gender neutral clothes. I wouldn’t be encouraging pink and flowery or skirts.

If a kid was wearing clothes that stood out as odd to me, I wouldn’t be questioning it at all TBH. It’s the parents/child business and not mine.

And as for poor kid-instead of being judgmental why don’t you try and understand that kids have feelings and thoughts too??

I just don't understand the faux, why do people comment thing? Ds has autism, he is a big smelly teen now but way back when he was a cute little toddler he saw this fedora in tk maxx when he was out with his dad that he fell in love with and dh bought it for him. For the next 2 years until it fell apart it never left his head, people with kids with autism will know the attachment they get to things. Anyway, it was commented on all of the time because it is odd to see a 2 year old walking around in a fedora never mind in the middle of Winter. I didn't pretend to be all 'oh I don't know why people always have something to say about how my son dresses', I knew why, because he was a 2 year old walking around in a fedora and that isn't the usual attire of 2 year olds. It doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Because tutus are flimsy, stick out, are made of net and easily torn. Fine if you’re supervising your DC and allowing them to climb trees in it; your responsibility if it gets ruined.

But a nightmare for nursery staff when a much loved dressing up item gets torn or covered in paint or ruined under their watch.

But anyone seeing him doesn’t know that he is growing his hair out do they? They just see a poor child with wild hair. And no even if growing your hair out it can still be neat, get a trim.

Spot on

I have to be honest- he’s dressing differently so you can expect comments. My daughter once rummaged through a jumble sale (aged 3) and came home wearing a tiara and a what only can be described as a belly dancer’s shimmery gold skirt on top of her everyday clothes. She got a lot of comments on the walk home 😂

Sofa the more of your posts on this I read the more I think you have some very valid points. As parents it's so hard to get the balance between preparing our kids for the next stage - which whilst it's a shame, will have societal standards, norms and expectations attached - and supportive them expressing themselves safely. Then as soon as we feel we've got that balance the next stage is looming

I do think in the case of clothing, OP has a very small and ever closing window of allowing her son to Just Be and to treasure it.

I've a photo of DD at this age ready to go out for a walk to the shops looking like she'd deliberately thrown anything and everything on that clashed, including l Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle wellies - in a heatwave - but she was strutting around like she was Naomi blimmin Campbell on a 90s catwalk. Her confidence and lack of inhibition and embarrassment was awesome. Boy she got son looks though!

Sometimes that photo makes me well up as it reminds me of how tough it is for our terns now to navigate adolescence in this hyper image conscious and sexualised time. She will probably never feel that free and not self conscious in her appearance again until she's 50.

Anyway I digress.

This thread definitely prompts some good discussion

I always cringe slightly at ‘zanily’ dressed children but then again I love clothes. If people don’t care how they look I suppose it won’t register with them. It’s the parental attitude that gets me the most…what the child is wearing isn’t really here nor there.

This thread is... weird.

I get you OP, I've had similar comments about my daughter, because she loves blue, dinosaurs, and doc martens. I've had so many people refer to her as a boy, look astounded when I say she's a girl, then ask me pointed questions that all basically mean, "why aren't you signalling GIRL by putting her in head to toe pink/hearts/ruffles".

I just respond by asking, "have you met many toddlers?" 😆 She wears what she wants to wear. She has a wardrobe full of every colour of the rainbow, yes including pink and pastels and hearts and whatever else, but it's up to her. She picks her favourites, I pick my battles!

Oh and btw she also usually has quite unkempt-looking hair, because it's thin and wispy and she refuses any bobbles/clips. 😱 Not interested in anyone telling me she's scruffy. She's clean and cared for and happy.

My ds 8 will only wear shorts even when it's snowing. He hasn't worn trousers for over 2 years. I expect comments to be fair. He is always complaining He is too hot in school even in shorts and a t shirt. His cheeks are really pink at the end of school so I imagine it is quite warm inside.