Why are people so bothered by what my son wears?

[WindowGazers]

My son is 4yo and I let him choose his clothes in the morning. Most days consists of some brightly coloured trousers, probably a mis matching top, and he loves to put tutus over everything. He always looks great and is so confident in whatever outfit he wears.

I'm very introverted personality wise but also choose to wear very extroverted clothing. I don't care what people think about what I wear, but people have started saying in front of me and me son 'aren't you worried that he looks like a girl' or saying directly to him 'interesting choice of clothing you've got there'.

It drives me slightly mad as they're just clothes and he's happy. A dad on the nursery run asked me if I was raising him trans (he was literally wearing black trousers, a hulk top and a red tutu over the top) in front of him!

Am I supposed to just dress him in blue and black or AIBU in thinking that I should be encouraging to wear what he's comfortable in? Also funny how his friends love his clothes (and him!) and it's just the adults who seem to find them out of the ordinary.

I was raised by very extroverted parents who let me wear the most bizarre outfits, but I loved it and I've now turned into an adult who adores alternative fashion. I'm so glad they supported me rather than trying to push me into a box. Opinions?

It's fine for you to let your son wear whatever he wants.

It's also fine for others to judge (and they will do it whether you like it or not)

People in the '70s and '80s judged too 🙄

It's not a new 'phenomenom' FFS🙄

Children dress up. All three of mine did.
Children love , or at least my boys did, bright colours.
Boys clothes are boring colours.
A friend of mine in Italy said boys clothes in shops are all colours for boys. Pink is not a big deal like it seems to be here for some people.
Our Italian neighbours used to give us their daughters hand me downs. Lots of tutus, princess dresses and colourful clothes. They wore them.
They also had long hair, why should we cut it when girls don’t.
We did get comments ( 20years ago) but I just thought peoples comments were rather sexist to be honest.

I recall an occasion buying shoes when my eldest was about 2/3yrs. We went into Clark’s. Boys shoes on one side girls on the other. A rainbow of colours on the girls side and boring black, brown and blue on the boys. My DS went straight for the girls side. The member of staff kept calling him a girl. ( long red ish curly hair) and some mothers stared at him like he was an alien.

we didn’t buy there we found a patent pair of orange boots at a another shop 😀
The nursery thought nothing of it though, nor did our friends. No one commented.

Mine still have long hair and occasionally still wear tie died pink numbers.

It hasn’t affected their sexuality, they are quite individual and I’m hoping a little bit of us not stereotyping them has made them more appreciative of others.

I can understand some people finding it cute or quirky but sadly society conforms to social Norms of how a boy should dress and how a girl should dress and as much as I'm all for pushing those boundaries and expectations, the harsh reality is that a boy wearing a tutu to school is probably far more likely to eventually find themselves being bullied than a girl wearing a tutu to school.

What an odd question. I have lots of superhero capes in my house, or capes with hoods etc. Because it's fun to dress up and the kids love them. Is that equally incomprehensible? Or hats. I have 3 firemen helmets. How did they get here? I brought them cos they're fun to wear 🙄

That poster never said her son wears shorts in winter. Winter was never mentioned, and tracksuit bottoms, jumpers and hoodies all were.

I have worn mismatched socks since I was a child. It's a personality quirk. Nobody else in my family does or did. My mother would match them up and I would unmatch them.

Messy hair is just a feature of many kids, and indeed people who are active, busy and not really that fussed about hair.

You can have your own personal standards of presentation, and that's great for you, but it isn't necessarily neglect when people don't abide by your particular set of rules.

You sound like a right nasty piece of work.

Except it ISN'T odd and if DS started taking the pee out of his mate for what he wore when he was 4, I'd consider ME to the the failing parent, not the one who let her kid wear the a tutu

It's 2023, most rational people understand that a child expressing themselves through their clothing doesn't necessarily relate to their gender identity

I would say it’s the exact opposite. In the 70s and 80s feminists were doing great work of n progressing the idea that all opportunities are open to everyone regardless of sex and no one should be limited be sex based stereotypes.

In the last ten years or so the ideology of gender identity has taken hold so that people are now questioning whether a boy who likes ‘girl’ things is really a girl, and a girl who likes ‘boy’ things is really a boy ( including young lesbians because, y’know, girls are a boy thing, right?).

Gender identity has really set things back.

Owning a pair of black joggers, leggings, jeans etc and simultaneously owning a black TShirt or jumper is beyond your comprehension and experience of life??

YNBU, people shouldn’t be bothered about what your son wears however I do think you’re being a bit naive if you think he is choosing to wear those clothes independently. You are a huge influence in what he ‘chooses’ to wear.

He’s 4 he’s wearing the clothes that make you happy. He sees your style and he wants to be like you / make you happy. I’m guessing from your post you tell him how great he looks. Also he gets attention at nursery for wearing the tutu again which makes him happy. It’s brilliant that he’s happy and confident but you are the main factor in his choice of clothes.

He’ll get other influences when he gets older .

DowntownRegret1 · Today 09:05
All those comments should let you know is that the speaker is pretty closed minded and a bit behind the times in their thinking.

It's 2023, most rational people understand that a child expressing themselves through their clothing doesn't necessarily relate to their gender identity

Unfortunately in 2023 lots of people will very much start hinting he is trans.

Ignore them OP, though, you are doing brilliantly.

The danger would be school hinting he is trans.

My boy goes to school in one of the poorest areas in the city 🙄.

I think you need to reassess neglected-there is such a wider scope than messy hair and odd socks!

She said he refuses to wear trousers and jeans. It’s going to be minus 15 in places overnight in the UK this week.
’I have worn mismatched socks since I was a child. It's a personality quirk.’ It absolutely isn’t. It’s an affectation. You do understand that children who wear odd socks often have parents who can’t be arsed to pair them and can’t be arsed to adhere to the bare minimum standards of hygiene and care for their children? Most don’t see it as a scintillating part of their ‘personality’ to wear odd socks.
‘Messy hair is just a feature of many kids, and indeed people who are active, busy and not really that fussed about hair.’ A child of 10 is old enough to mainly look after their own hair. Most children don’t actually like to look like something shot at and missed. Neglected children often are not shown how to look after themselves including hair care. A 10 year old isn’t too busy to comb his hair before school ffs. Why anyone would want their dear child to be running around looking like an uncared for waif I genuinely don’t know, but there appears to be a cohort that believes it makes them cool and interesting. It doesn’t. It makes them look neglected.
‘but it isn't necessarily neglect when people don't abide by your particular set of rules.’ I was quite clear when I said that cumulatively these indicators would be noted, I was quite explicit about that. It’s not my set of rules, take it up with social services.

Yes, it is - but that’s because, as a pp referred to, the kids are generally expressing the parents’ views or sense of style.

Or some parents are letting their children be independent, dress themselves and allowing them to wear what they want as long as it is weather and activity appropriate, style sense not really coming into it.

I can remember similar. My ds had a dolly and a pushchair aged 3 because I had just had a baby. I can remember people I didn't commenting on it in a negative way. My ds also liked to wear nail varnish and beads. As he got older he gravitated toward the things other boys were into. Now aged 13 he cannot be removed from the Nike tracksuit that every other teenager is wearing.

I have worked in a primary school in one of the poorest areas of Belfast. Again please try reading my post. I did not say it definitely was neglect, I said messy hair, odd socks, inappropriate clothing would be noted as they CAN be indicators of neglect.

Thing is you love clothes and you're judgement is it doesn't look right, but to DS who is wearing trousers under shorts because he knows I won't let him out in just shorts and a top I think doesn't go, to him he has thought carefully about those clothes. I know this when I've tried to get him to change and he's got really upset. To him it coordinates and works. It's just a subjective opinion of someone thinks it doesn't.
I might pick a perfectly sensible outfit and you might still cringe because it isn't something you'd pick

Have you ever combed curly hair? Serious question. If he combed it, it would look 10 times worse than it does now. It gets washed with the most expensive conditioner known to man, we use expensive hair products and it gets combed when wet to get rid of knots.

Curly hair is unruly, it takes a lot of management all of which my boy does willingly.

Yeah course it is. How often do you see a 4 year old dressed head to toe in black other than in a tracksuit?

I'm sure I won't be the first or last person to say OP - tell the judgy parents to f* all the way off and enjoy your son's lovely imagination and self expression. He's 4 - he should be free to dress however the hell he wants. He'll be in a school uniform soon enough.

If it means anything, there's a boy at my son's nursery who always goes for the tutu in the dress up box and - as an onlooking parent - I think literally nothing of it except that it's adorable and he probably enjoys the fluffiness of the fabric. For me it's a happy picture of a happy child and nothing more. I'm sure plenty of other parents think the same.

Yes my sister and nieces all have thick curly hair. The solution is to keep it short obvs. Funny how girls with curly hair are rarely untidy looking 🧐

I don’t stand around discussing clothes endlessly with four year olds. I let them have a preference. I absolutely don’t let them dictate their wardrobe.

Amid be in favour of this tutu wearing society. I think I man in cargo shorts and a tutu is ridiculously hot. Not even sure why. And I mean bug, burly, long haired metal head types as I've only really seen it working metal festivals. Oh and rock boy boots.

Viva La Tutu Revolution