AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

This 100%
And they burn all your cash

I do have regrets. I'd be richer, less anxious and probably living in a better area too. Lots of problems at birth, and soon after. She's no trouble, easy-going, good, does well at school, great group of mates. Although I will defend her to the death, I find myself wondering why I'm not like the other mums and I realised I'm not very maternal. My mother was the same. She's very interested in my and DD's achievements but not so great at playing together or meeting emotional needs. Luckily her father is good at that, so there's some compensation. She is a wonderful person, intelligent, caring and funny, and I'm glad I know her, but I also think I've paused life and feel a bit isolated as a parent. My daughter is in her mid-teens and says she probably won't have kids (she's quite adamant on this, though I know things change) and I completely understand.

If it helps, I think very few people really regret their decision, whether it is to have kids or not. Regret is a very uncomfortable emotion, so people tend to look for the good points of their own decision and to amplify those. There are positives and negatives of both the parent life and the child free life.

For those who wanted children but couldn't have them due to lack of partner, physical problems or whatever, I imagine the emotions are more complex.

But if you make a decision, either way I doubt you will end up regretting it! Good luck!

I'm 37 and currently have two under two.

It's intense and I don't have a lot of time for myself right now but I love them so much. I always knew I wanted kids though.

I do worry about the state of the world, particularly climate change and war, and I worry about how I would ever cope if one of my children died.

I'm not sure I would recommend having children if you don't really want them. In many ways life is much easier without. But only you can decide whether you really want a child. Nobody else can answer this question for you.

In many ways I envy people who don't want children because they can have more disposable income, more freedom to go out, pursue different opportunities, spend time on hobbies and travel without necessarily feeling like there is something huge missing from their lives. They'll never experience the pain of losing their child, which some parents unfortunately will, and if the world becomes an uninhabitable shit show in X years' time, they won't have to feel guilty about having chosen to bring new humans into it.

I don't know. I loved it when they were little. But I gave up a lot, my career soon went by the wayside. I've worked crappy jobs to fit in with childcare. I found that the sacrifices were all mine but it was what I wanted. The worry is huge. Mine are older teenagers now and I find it harder than anything. I don't know if we have done a good job, there are loads of issues, and I feel for the kids, I never stop worrying about them.

So have we (and I went to six different schools as a child myself), which is why I said my job and our mortgage are actually the bigger barriers to this. The main issue is the way he wants to do it, which is a bit of a derail for this thread but you’ll have to take my word for it that it is a midlife crisis fantasy, rather than a realistic desire for us to emigrate.

Anyway my point was you can feel your life is boring and monotonous with or without children, so that isn’t a good argument for having kids.

Yes, I agree. I didn't mean to fact check you, sorry!

When I have moments of regret and worry about DD- who has mega issues- I remember how bored I feel when it's just me and DH going out for lunch all the time. I don't mean he is boring. I just mean someone's missing. I probably might feel differently if I had tons of family and friends. But I don't.

I think human life is about making meaningful connection. People can do that with or without children.

I always wanted kids, I would have really struggled if we had never had any.
The love and joy etc etc that they have brought has been huge and not something that I have encountered anywhere else.
I am happily married and have been for 24 years, but motherhood was a whole other level.
I had my kids late (first when I was 35 last when I was 40) I now have 3 older teens, youngest is 15.
I found sleep and relentlessness when they we little etc exhausting, but still loved it as a parent.

BUT.
The last few years have been so tough. It has not been an emotional rollercoaster, it has been a nose dive into hard concrete. I would never have imagined just how emotionally difficult it can be to raise teens.

I have honestly wondered in the last few months the very question you ask. If I could go back and start again, would I still have kids? And I don't know.

My teens are actually lovely, polite, kind, no drugs, no abuse no bad friendship groups, no staying out all night, no nasty aggressive shitty behaviour that I read about on here etc.

But we have had mental illness, suicide attempts, anxiety. And 2 out of 3 of my kids saying they are trasngender. One, now over 18 has started to medically transition. I cannot tell you how painful that journey has been for us as a family.

my son has gone off to uni and my next child heads off in Sept. I have loved having them and I have happily waved them goodbye to get on with their own lives, while reassuring them that our home is always their home. I am ready to have my own life back. I can't do this any more.

Would I go back and do it all again. I think so. But I honestly don't know.

That sounds so hard. Hope things get better for you.

I’m childfree but always thought the baby to small child stage looked like something I could enjoy and was a bit jealous of. On the other hand the idea of parenting teens is my worst nightmare so it’s for the best that I don’t have kids.

The only other thing to add to my post, is I know my son is very young. I will always love him with all my heart but am very aware parenting may become more challenging and evolve as time goes on!!

Yes sometimes.
I miss the freedom and being able to do what I want when I want.
One of the reasons I'm only sticking at 1 too.

I want my life back.

This sounds incredibly hard, especially the transgender thing. Not to derail this thread but there is clearly an element of social contagion and the root causes of this phenomenon are not being properly examined because right now it's trendy to affirm kids stated identities, and anyone asking questions about whether something else might be going on is branded a bigot. I would be so worried if I had teens right now.

I really hope you and your family come through this.

As I said above, I absolutely love motherhood and always have, even though I'm a single working mum. I must say though, I'm a bit weird as I LOVE childrens' stuff like arts and crafts/toys/soft play/kids' parties etc. I'm more of a child than my own kid. I've always loved taking my daughter to new fun places and finding activities/clubs for her to do. It's something I enjoy rather than having to endure. I also can go on little sleep and have done all my life (not a good thing I know) which is maybe why I also found having a puppy easy. Basically all my money and time goes on my daughter, but it makes me happy spending it on her. If you're not a weirdo like me, you might find it a lot tougher.

My best friend is 38 and HATES kids and knows for sure she'll never want to have any. She loves the freedom and money she has and thinks my lifestyle is horrific.

Aw thanks. It was the toughest job of my life (especially as I was a single mum when that wasn’t part of the plan). Another pp is right though, the worry never stops. Now it’s potential careers when the competition seems so fierce and a Batchelors degree doesn’t seem enough now, having a home when the prices are sky high, toxic SM etc which all seem bigger mountains to climb than when I was their age. I don’t regret having children but I sure do feel guilty.

I adore my child but if I had known beforehand the mental & financial struggle of being a parent, especially a single parent - I am not so sure I would have done it tbh.

I was 27 when I had my DD. I'm 38 now.

When she was very little (under 3), I used to wonder what the hell I was thinking, I found being a mum really hard and thought I'd made a massive mistake. I had PND too which went away when she was about 12 months old.

Now she's older (11), I can't imagine life without her. She's growing into an incredible young lady and I'm immensely proud of her. We have such a close relationship.

Don't get me wrong, it's still difficult and stressful, but that's more so because having kids is expensive and times are hard at the moment.

It's good that you're thinking long and hard about having kids - it's a massive decision

Zero regrets here. I have one 17yo dd and she is absolutely beyond question the very best thing in my life. The person I love the most. The thing that brings me the most happiness and joy. I have never once wished that I didn't have her, and my life would be infinitely poorer without her.

I have been able to progress and excel in my career despite having dd. I have been able to travel and pursue further study. I have been able to enjoy time with friends. I don't really feel that I have missed out on anything at all. Just gained, beyond measure.

But that's just how I feel. My closest friend has certainly gone through significant periods of regretting motherhood. My aunt, on the other hand, bitterly regrets not having had children. We are all different. Nobody can tell you how you're going to feel. You just have to go with whatever your gut is telling you.

I just want to add to my post.

There is a difference to saying would you make a different decision, compared to would you wish your kids weren't here.

I adore my 3. They are wonderful amazing people.
I can't imagine a life in which they are not there.
But given how hard it has been, and the toll it has taken on me, if I had the choice would I do it all again?
Of course if I said no, then I would never know those 3 amazing people. So I wouldn't 'miss' them because I wouldn't know them.

What would life have been like I wonder?

I really think this is where some of my indecision comes from - I do think fundamentally maybe my gut is telling me no (?) but I don't trust it at all and I worry about the exact same things you did - am I just protecting myself because I'm so worried about my MH being affected and also my own children suffering in the same way because I'm not equipped as a parent?

Just for a little context - my mental health issues thankfully could be a lot worse but I feel lot of them stem from my own parents having undiagnosed MH issues. Anxiety is the worst daily issue for me due to the environment I grew up in.

I love my parents dearly and I know they love me but don't feel like either them have dealt with any of their own issues with their childhoods/families and have built up a very defensive barrier against the world "Everyone else is the problem, people are dicks etc etc" and consequently they don't really have any friends, live in the middle of nowhere and are very co-dependent. Don't think that was an amazing example of family unit for me and my sibling either. We also don't have any other family.

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm finding the decision so difficult is that I also know that having my own child might be really healing for me and help me come full circle with some of these issues and heal some wounds. I don't want to continue that cycle.

@Janedoelondon I'm so happy to hear everything worked out for you and have found contentment in your life with your DS and DH xx

At least I'm really trying my best to think this decision through properly - I don't want to bring a little kid into the world and not be a good parent. I can't describe how value all the support on this thread is to me right now so THANK YOU all.

Oh my goodness no I dint regret it! My children are amazing and have been by far the best thing that has ever happened to us. Now teens and love them to bits.

I'm 45 and child free - never regretted it for a single second. I genuinely love my life and my friends (I have lots!)

Nothing I have heard, read or seen makes me think that having children would have been a good choice for me, nor that I am missing out on anything.

It’s outstanding testament to you that you are weighing it up so carefully, and likely to make a very thoughtful parent if you so choose.

I didn’t want dc, my childhood was so hard and my mothers mh was very bad. I was pretty terrified of history repeating itself. But, I read and researched what kind of parent I wanted to be. I completed a lot of therapy, understood clearly what my own triggers are and did the work.

my dds are just about to be adults and honestly I was able to break the cycle, give them a brilliant childhood. I did not find it easy all of the time, but I am a loving, gentle and nurturing parent with the closest bonds to my babies. It’s been an incredible journey op.

I love my dc more than anything but truly, truly hate the younger years. My older one is 6 and finally so much more independent and I'm only just enjoying him now. I have a 4m old and just cannot wait for her to grow up a bit. It's such hard work. I think it's very different if you have had easy children without any issues. I've had so many issues with my 2, I'm absolutely drained. People say the years go by quickly, not quick enough for me. My baby is such a high needs baby with a range of issues, just like my first and I didn't enjoy the experience with him so it's depressing that I'm going through it again.

I'm hesitant to say I regret it because obviously I'm bonded with her now but if I'd known in advance what it would be like and how unhappy it would make me i wouldn't have had her. I'll never be free, even when she's an adult.