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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

303 replies

BasketCase101 · 06/03/2023 18:58

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 07/03/2023 07:54

I do not.

But for me being a mum is all I've known. I was pregnant at 17, DS born when I was 18. So spontaneous travel, spending money on myself, going out for drinks, etc has never been a thing for me as I was too young to do any of that before having a baby.

Climbles · 07/03/2023 07:59

Don’t regret them for a second. It was hard at times when they were younger but everything worth doing is hard.

KimberleyClark · 07/03/2023 08:08

OP, we never had children due to fertility issues, but I can honestly say I don’t regret not pursuing parenthood any further than we did (IVF, not donor gametes or adoption). Children can be a source of love and joy, but also huge worry, unhappiness and heartbreak. That much is evident from reading MN.

BellePeppa · 07/03/2023 08:14

ncbcos · 07/03/2023 07:15

@BellePeppa yes i am very sure he doesn't know. Trust me i wish I didn't feel the way i do but it's not like it was a conscious decision to feel this way. He wants for nothing including my love and time as well as material things

That’s good. Honestly though I love having boys. I was convinced I was having a girl first time until my scan said otherwise. My eldest was really hard work as a child (there were times I really didn’t like him very much) but is an absolute dream as an adult (I used to be worried he’d be a difficult adult but thankfully he is anything but). I was actually quite relieved to not have girls as I didn’t have to deal with periods (and the costs of that) or the emotions they have through puberty etc (I didn’t get crying, slamming doors, friendship drama etc that I think is more prevalent with girls (being a girl once myself and with a sister so not being sexist). Everyone is different but I’d have sons every time (but obviously would have loved them if they’d been girls).

Toomanyanimalz · 07/03/2023 08:29

Nosandwichfilling · 07/03/2023 00:22

I do because my DD died and that sort of pain is indescribable unless you know it. They may bring the most joy but they can bring the most pain.

I’m so so sorry about your darling daughter xx

ncbcos · 07/03/2023 08:38

@BellePeppa I hope mine grows up like yours. That's true about the periods etc. I promise I love him whole heartedly I really do I just don't feel cut out to be his mum sometimes.

familyissues12345 · 07/03/2023 08:39

I don't regret having them, in the slightest. They are both the absolute apple of my eye

I do regret having DS1 as early as I did, a bit, just sometimes wish I'd had the fun of the early 20's. Bonus is I'm now early 40's and he's an adult, so we've almost started our life again

EtherealandMysteriousFog · 07/03/2023 08:40

I have never had a maternal drive to have children. I was sort of ambivalent about it. I always had this sense, though, that it wouldn't happen for me, I don't know why. We tried for a while and nothing happened. In my thirties I had a lot of angst over it all. Should I be trying harder (IVF etc.). Would I regret not trying harder. Then it sort of passed and the angst went away and I don't feel regrets about it now.

I found the comment about child free people not having 'seasons' in their lives quite cutting to be honest. We are not one dimensional beings that stay stuck in the minds of our twenties, caring only about parties and holidays and lie ins.

Life certainly changes and evolves for us as well only in different ways. I am not living the life I was living in my twenties or thirties anymore. I have also evolved as a person. One thing I found hard, I had a parent very seriously ill. It struck me, in the natural order of events, when this happens to me there is likely to be no one sat by my side, holding my hand, telling me they love me.

This wasn't a regret just a bit of a sad realisation. Sending love to everyone who has had a complicated or painful path through either parenthood or childlessness.

LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble · 07/03/2023 08:52

Don't regret them for one second.
They are awesome.
But as someone else mentioned, I'd be a lot richer without them! 🤣

sammylady37 · 07/03/2023 09:00

I found the comment about child free people not having 'seasons' in their lives quite cutting to be honest. We are not one dimensional beings that stay stuck in the minds of our twenties, caring only about parties and holidays and lie ins.

That comment made me roll my eyes. It’s fairly typical of a subset of Mummy martyrs who define themselves entirely by the fact that they’ve had children, talk about how fulfilled their lives now are, and how their kids are their world… setting themselves up nicely for empty nest syndrome and being an overbearing MIL down the line!

DowntownRegret1 · 07/03/2023 09:12

I don't regret it at all, but I can definitely see why people do. I mean when you take everything into account, having a child can be the most catastrophic thing you'll ever bring into your life. It can permanently damage your body, your mental health, your financial situation, it ties you down, removes opportunities, you can have a child that will require care for the rest of their lives, you can find yourself isolated, you can be sleep deprived for a significant period of time. If a job that couldn't be quit led to all of that we wouldn't question people who regretted taking that job. And yet people look askance at anyone who acknowledges they regret having had their child!

It's a taboo but I promise you, there are many people who regret it. Everyone I've ever met who regrets it is a fantastic parent doing their best, they're just brave enough to acknowledge that if they could go back in time knowing what they know now, they wouldn't have done it. It's a taboo to share, hence why some people naively think 'you never regret the child you have, just the one you don't have, so go for it'. Because it's not really spoken about. There's an entire subreddit dedicated to regretful parents if you want to read about the experiences of people.

My own mother regretted it, as she told me when I was a teenager. Her biggest piece of advice was 'never have kids, it's not worth it'. But she had got married and birthed kids by her early twenties, as was the way in those days, before she'd really had chance to learn who she was or what she wanted, by the time she realised it was too late. She was an incredible mother and I'm so, so thankful to have her, but she wasn't willing to lie and pretend it was all roses. We are so lucky these days that the social norm is to delay having kids until you've lived a bit of life, then you can choose to have them if you want them but nobody is forced to. It benefits everyone.

IMO, and this is speaking as someone who fucking LOVES being a parent and all that it entails, if there's any doubt in your mind, don't do it. Better to regret not having done it than regret having done it, as in the latter scenario well, it impacts a child too. There are many benefits to being childfree.

One thing that isn't discussed often is the benefit to having one child rather than going down the path many parents automatically set off down where they have one then seemingly automatically have a second not too much later. With one child (as I currently have) it feels like the best of all worlds. I get to have him, be a parent, raise a family, and also get to have plenty of sleep, time for my hobbies and friendships and career and marriage. With a second I think the balance would tip and we'd no longer genuinely 'enjoy' parenting, it would become drudgery and much much harder.

BellePeppa · 07/03/2023 09:25

ncbcos · 07/03/2023 08:38

@BellePeppa I hope mine grows up like yours. That's true about the periods etc. I promise I love him whole heartedly I really do I just don't feel cut out to be his mum sometimes.

I can understand that. I felt like that too especially as I did most of their upbringing as a single mum but I think I must have done ok as they seem to like me 😁

Lentilweaver · 07/03/2023 09:34

OP's disappeared, but I think she might get very different answers from posters with young children and those with young adults. I am in the young adult stage. I aced the young children stage because I was young, strong, had spare money etc. It was easy to fix all their problems.

But now that I am in the YA stage, there is absolutely nothing I can do to solve the wage crisis, inflation, mental health issues, anxiety, the pandemic, climate change.. the list is endless. Big children, big problems is so right. I try to detach but find it hard. My mum is still worrying about me at 77, so I am guessing the worry never ends.

ncbcos · 07/03/2023 09:38

@BellePeppa pretty sure mine likes me too given he is never more than 1mm away from my eyeball at all times 😂. Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with yours ♥️ x

Saschka · 07/03/2023 09:47

I adore DS, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. BUT having children is a massive change - I’d compare it to moving in with somebody with a lot of health restrictions. You suddenly can’t do anything without considering them first, often literally can’t do anything without them (you can’t do a weekend trip with your friends without months of planning, for example).

I found the early years weren’t too restrictive as DS just came everywhere with us, but once they are in school you have to be home for school pick up, can’t do that yoga class because you won’t be back from taking them to swimming lessons, can’t go to the Indian restaurant you love because your seven year old doesn’t like spice, can’t go to Thailand because you are restricted to school holidays and it is monsoon season then…

If you don’t really want children, those little restrictions begin to mount up very quickly and cause resentment. A lot of people underestimate how much change there will be.

Jellycats4life · 07/03/2023 09:50

Regret is a strong word.

Both of my children are autistic. I now know I am autistic too. This has meant that my experience of parenting has been so, so much harder than most. Being autistic has meant that I’ve struggled so much with things that other mothers breeze through. My children also struggle with things that neurotypical children don’t. If I am brutally honest, I would say that we’ve spend the majority of our parenting lives just about managing and treading water, and experience more challenging times than joyous ones.

If I could possibly have known any of this before having children, I’m not sure what I would have chosen. I worry so much about the future, how they will cope, how they will be treated by others, how will they manage as adults, how they will manage when I’m not around.

Saschka · 07/03/2023 09:54

Yep that comment was a load of bollocks - we have DS, and DH mourns our pre-child life when we had “seasons” due to moving around a lot - now we are stuck in one place until DS leaves school (in his mind, there is also the small matter of my job and our mortgage). He sees the rest of his life stretching ahead of him in one monotonous block. He longs for the seasons we had pre-kids.

He’s having a midlife crisis, but the point is child rearing can be just as samey and boring as being child-free. Or just as exciting. Depends on your attitude.

Saschka · 07/03/2023 09:55

Argh, comment above was meant to reply to @sammylady37

BasketCase101 · 07/03/2023 09:56

Sorry if I have been a little quiet on here - I've just been reading all of these replies and letting it all marinate in my brain! I really want to reply to a few people individually also.

Everyone insights are so helpful for me and I really appreciate people being so honest - which is ultimately why I really wanted to ask the question on here! I think it's really easy to get a snapshot from friends/people you know about parenthood like it's all a dream because they don't want to perhaps admit it can be struggle.

Still just processing really but as people have ultimately said - no-one can make the decision for me.

I found it really interesting that quiet a few people spoke of 'one and done' as being a lot easier - I've often thought that would make more sense for us if we went for it and definitely take the edge a lot of the big childcare worries etc (we don't live in the UK, we moved to europe about 5 years ago). Also if we do find the baby years overwhelming or pregnancy/birthday difficult - only have to go through it once and then can make a decision from there.

So much back and forth going on in my brain right now! But I'm really enjoying everyone's personal insights and stories.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 07/03/2023 09:57

Saschka · 07/03/2023 09:54

Yep that comment was a load of bollocks - we have DS, and DH mourns our pre-child life when we had “seasons” due to moving around a lot - now we are stuck in one place until DS leaves school (in his mind, there is also the small matter of my job and our mortgage). He sees the rest of his life stretching ahead of him in one monotonous block. He longs for the seasons we had pre-kids.

He’s having a midlife crisis, but the point is child rearing can be just as samey and boring as being child-free. Or just as exciting. Depends on your attitude.

I have moved several countries with children. It's possible, up to the higher grades. I also moved around as a child, until I was 16.

BasketCase101 · 07/03/2023 10:08

Nosandwichfilling · 07/03/2023 00:22

I do because my DD died and that sort of pain is indescribable unless you know it. They may bring the most joy but they can bring the most pain.

I'm so unbelievably sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how you must feel. Sending you lots of love xxx

OP posts:
Galadriel90 · 07/03/2023 10:11

No I don't regret it. We have one, he is so such a fabulous human. Couldn't love him any more. Best decision I ever made. But we have one. One child is really quite easy. I've got mates with 2+ who struggle, especially with siblings fighting. So considering how many kids you have and how that impacts your lifestyle is something I'd recommend.

Dixiechickonhols · 07/03/2023 10:12

I didn’t have a maternal urge in my 20s then it flicked on.
You’ve said children but for me one has been perfect balance. Still get time to myself. She’s a teen now and we have a great relationship.

Allblackeverythingalways · 07/03/2023 10:17

OP I was you a few years ago, I went through a broody phase having not wanted kids for most of my 20s.
I'm glad I didn't give into it. I'm very happy without kids, I used to get upset when I held my friends babies because I was so desperate for one of my own.

Now their children are older I'm not envious in the slightest.
2 out of the 3 that had babies around the same time have special needs.
One friend copes just about, but if I visit, she begs me to watch him for a few hours so she can sleep. (Which I happily do, I adore her boy, we get on brilliantly)
The other child will never live independently. She's quite ill, won't see old bones. She's terrified of what will happen to him.

I could still have a baby if I want, but honestly I've been put off.
Both have quietly told me they regret having children.

It put my mind at rest regarding my childlessness.

headstone · 07/03/2023 10:27

In your shoes , I suggest having one child. One child is very manageable.

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