AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

[BasketCase101]

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

Not at all. It’s been tough at times as my daughter had never been a great sleeper. But I love her more than anything and she is the light of my life.

I would never advise someone on whether to have children or not as it’s so subjective & I truly don’t believe anyone fully know’s how they’ll cope, feel or react until they are a parent / have had parental responsibilities

Personally I don’t regret having my children - I genuinely like as well as love them - we have wonderful moments and I love seeing them change and learn and grow but…

being a mum is the hardest thing I’ll ever do. Loving them is easy - parenting is hard - relentless in fact. Every day is a learning curve with each child because every child is different. Equally I know my life would have been a good one even if I hadn’t had kids

I wouldn’t let your mental health / childhood experiences put you off having children though if it’s something you want. You have recognised this and so can take steps to manage your feelings/ reactions in advance of becoming a mum which would massively benefit you and any future children.

I had EMDR therapy. I had, many years before, tried other talking-based therapies but found them re-traumatising. EMDR can be done without you actually speaking about the trauma, you can hold the buzzers in your hands and work through the memories in your head, with a therapist's support to stop when you need to or if you get stuck on something. It is not an easy process but it works. You have to speak a bit in general terms at the start of the process about what the traumas are and to decide which to work on first etc. And for grounding after each session to make sure you are ok. But you don't have to describe the trauma in detail and so finally it was a way for me to do it, to process what happened so that instead of being ever-present in my conscious mind these were instead memories finally filed away as such, a part of my past and not my present.

I totally get this. Almost shock at the realisation that you were a child, and no, you did not deserve this. Any of it. And that of course you'd never do this to your own child. I'm so sorry your poor DH went through this and it's great that he has had a chance to become such a wonderful father.

I could have written your post.I do not regret it butttt- i thought carefully about how life would change fore- my DH stepped up and we are a team- we are high earners so have the luxury of a nice house/space for all the baby crap - finances mean we can also afford a cleaner- we have local family help- we got a "good" baby who sleeps and eats well and has comparatively few illnesses.- i still found the first 6 months very hard I liken the children vs non children condundrum to a ski holiday vs beach holiday. Some people loathe the beach and others hate skiing....I like both so either would have worked for me. 🤷🏻‍♀️But i agree with a PP you are basically rolling a dice.

I could start again, I could enjoy another childhood with them. Life changing.

This made me cry. Yes. This is it.

Oh that is so helpful thank you, I will pass on that. He has done talking therapy and while it helped with anxiety it hasn’t really helped him process the deep rooted issues, if that makes sense!

If you are on the fence, don't do it. It won't be 50:50 with your partner, once they are born; more 70:30.
It doesn't get easier as they get older especially if they have heath/mental health problems.

Only have children, if you can give them the best lives possible and you are completely selfless.

@Abouttimemum that makes total sense. EMDR is about exactly that: your brain has a kind of filing system where short-term memories are meant to then be filed into long-term, so not ever-present in your conscious mind, affecting your daily emotional state and reactions. But when someone experiences trauma they can get "stuck" in the conscious mind and therefore it's always right there, all the time. Nobody understands enough about the brain yet to know why EMDR works, and prompts this filing process that the trauma had prevented. But there is indisputable proof from brain scans that it does work, and that is all that matters, even if we don't know why. They have scanned brains before and afterwards, when people think of the traumatic experiences, and the brain activity is afterwards is in a different part of the brain: the part that relates to long-term memory. There's actually nowhere near that level of evidence of effectiveness for any other type of therapy at all.

The experience of this inside your brain is then that the trauma is separate to "you" as you experience yourself as a conscious entity at every waking moment, rather a memory. So it doesn't go away, but it doesn't define every waking moment of your life anymore. I really cannot recommend it highly enough. I really hope it helps your DH. All of us deserve the chance to leave our childhoods behind and move on. I wish so much I'd had access to this therapy as a teenager or in my early 20s, but there is still a good chunk of life to live and I'm so grateful that now I can do that.

Sorry OP I didn't mean to derail.

It's certainly hard @Abouttimemum and I cried a lot. I found memories I'd completely forgotten, buried so deep down. Devastating. But I'd been living with them all of this time, without realising. Finally I have grieved for the little girl I was, for her feeling so alone and hated and confused and unloved. And I do think that I am a better parent for all of that because hell would freeze over before I let my children feel for a second that they were not safe and loved and will always, always have a home to go to and love and be welcomed with open arms even when they are in their 30s or beyond. They will never, ever feel alone like that as long as I am alive.

OP I hope you don't mind all of this being posted here, although as a PP said it sounds like your decision about children is partly bound up with feelings about your own childhood experiences and mental health so I am hoping it is helpful.

You are an inspiration, @Abouttimemum. You should be so proud of yourself and your children. Amazing. Xxx

I really really wanted a child, on a very primal/basic level - from around the age of 30 it’s like someone flipped a switch and I didn’t want to wait much longer.
For me, I felt like something was ‘missing’ from my life and once I had our daughter, that feeing disappeared. I’m happier now than I have ever been BUT also more tired and busy. Having a child means your freedom is (temporarily, anyway) far more restricted.
I don’t ‘want’ a second child in the same way and there’s 100 practical reasons for not having another, so we’ve decided not to. We’re happy, so why rock the boat?

I think it’s different for everyone, so asking MN won’t help you. I feel like the above, someone else will feel completely differently. It’s a very personal decision and no one can tell you if you’ll regret it.

I don’t regret my son, not for a second, but I was 19 when I fell pregnant and I regret not being further in life or having more things in plan before having him. Still at home, 0 hour contract job etc. I regret not being more prepared and not doing things I “should’ve” or could’ve been doing so young.

I think you mean @SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea and I would agree! Thanks for all that insight that so helpful :)

I dont regret it all. There’s up and downs of course but mostly it’s enjoyable and rewarding, it gave my life meaning and purpose . Yes there’s worry but that’s because there’s love and to me that’s what life is about, to love and be loved.
Just thinking about what you have put in your post, it doesn’t matter that you have flaws, no one can be a perfect parent and I think that’s why some people don’t enjoy it as they want to be perfect parents they want to have perfect kids, that’s impossible. Sounds like you would have a wonderful partner to have children with which can be a massive help.

Good luck in your decision don’t let fear stop you living your life though xx

@orangeblosssom it needn’t be 70:30 though, it can be 50/50. I’ve been in treatment for breast cancer from when my baby was 16 weeks old, my DH took leave from work, parented his child and looked after the house. In fact, the only “good” thing to come out of this is that neither of us are the default parent, we are truly equal. Yes I couldn’t breastfeed but even if I could have, DH would still have been cooking and cleaning and waking up in the night and going to baby groups and all the rest of it.

This is such a relevant conversation for me right now. 40 years old, will need IVF for male factor infertility, and quite ambivalent about whether to go for it - but also horrified at the prospect of the loss/ deep grief/ regret - of childlessness and NOT going for it.
It's helpful to hear both sides.

@SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea wow thanks for sharing that. Something similar happened to me when I had my first child (currently pregnant with second), - actually it was a big event where both my parents were present - all the trauma from childhood came flooding back. When I say flooding, it was like wave on wave on back memories / flashbacks that just would not stop for months. I had some really significant realisations. It was like I had been living a lie. Since then - 8 months ago - I have gone NC with my father and am VLC contact with mother with lots of boundaries protecting me. I have done lots of inner child work, and let the anger flow, been able to open up about my childhood to my DH and best friends, written letters to mother that I never sent, and actually I am feeling much better. I don't feel as much anger as I did in the months after the flashbacks. It's more ambivalent. I have high standards for parenting because of it. There are lines I will not cross. I never want to be emotionally deregulated as my parents clearly were. I know there's a lot of love in our house. I try hard to recognise and validate emotions of my toddler. Now I've reached a bit more inner peace I am more present and available to my child each day I think.

So interesting to understand more about EMDR. I am considering it. But I feel ok right now. I have had a lot of therapy. Agree on retraumatising aspect. The best solution for me was to cut my parents out my life tbh.

If anyone is struggling with childhood trauma, boundaries and/or considering NC or maintaining it, I really recommend the Stately Homes thread on Mumsnet. So incredibly supportive and non-judgemental. A safe space to discuss childhood trauma.

No I don’t regret having my children. I regret not starting earlier so I could have had more of them. I am 40 now & the gap will be too big. I have a 7,5 & 2 years old. Can’t wait for summer. They love playing on the beach. If only I knew how great life is with kids, I would have started earlier. I have been married since I was 18 and wasted all those years when I could have had a dozen of kids by now.

I fell pregnant with my eldest at 17. My family tried everything to talk me out of going ahead with the pregnancy, including a very brutal letter from my grandma detailing all the negatives: endless dirty nappies, no sleep, no money, no lie-ins, sickness bugs etc Not once have I wished I listened and not had her and that list wasn't half as bad in reality.

I agree with @orangeblosssom

Having a child has also pointed up the more selfish of my and my husband’s characters, I’m afraid to say. We argue much, much more than we did before

I would say if you’re unsure you’re selfless enough, don’t bother.

@winningeasy that sounds so hard. So hard. Especially for it to all cone back to you like that all of a sudden with no warning. At least going into EMDR I was mentally prepared, as much as one can be, for this to happen.

Well done for exerting your boundaries. I have done the same: NC with my mother for many years now, and LC with my father. He was not part of the abuse, but saw me every couple of weeks and apparently didn't notice my distress. And then refused to house me when 16 and homeless because his new wife wouldn't like it. So I fended for myself, social worker said to get pregnant then I'd get housing (a traumatised kid being a parent?!) and she laughed when I said I intended to complete my GCSEs and do A levels and a degree. Nobody helped me at all. I lived in a very scary place, had no heating at all and often couldn't afford electricity or food. But somehow did all of that then a professional qualification, still not sure how. It's still very hard to comprehend how anybody treats their children that way, but I think those of us who have been that child make damn sure that our children never have any trauma at all.

For many years I've wanted to join the stately home threads but not been ready to do it, to talk about it all and had to focus on what I need to do right now. Maybe soon I can. It might be cathartic. I think the more of us who talk about these experiences the better, and that it doesn't preclude you from being a good parent: quite the opposite in fact.

I have a 3 year old and an 8 month old. I love them more than anything, they’re the little loves of my life, however I do fantasize about my pre kid life.
The impact kids have on your relationship is…wow. My husband and I are pretty solid, but bloody hell, kids have tested us! And we’re in a great position in that we have loads of help from our parents, flexible jobs that are well paid and we’re able to have a decent amount of ‘us’ time quite regularly.
I miss the lie ins, the freedom and just how EASY life was before them. Even going to the hairdressers is now something I need to massively plan. So yeh, things like that do my head in.
but I just love them. I can’t explain the primal adoration and love I have for them. Their little kisses and cuddles are like a drug, I really enjoy spending my time with them.
however, if I had my time again, would I stay child free? Maybe 😂

If you're on the fence about having kids I'd say don't do it. Almost certain you'll regret it.