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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask if you regret having children?

303 replies

BasketCase101 · 06/03/2023 18:58

I'm a 37 woman who is currently thinking a lot about the decision to have children and I am really undecided. I really enjoy reading the threads on mumsnet as I feel like they provide good insight into what life is like for a lot of parents and I can get informed POV about both the good and the bad.

Myself and DP are both really on the fence about children. When throughout my 20's I felt fairly sure that I didn't really want to children but as I've gotten older a small bit of maternal instinct has kicked in and although a lot of friends the same age haven't had children, a few have and that has definitely opened me up to the idea.

But I still don't feel that I definitely want them - but also sometimes really would like to and I'm worried that I'll really regret it if I don't and miss out on some of the magic of life.

My childhood wasn't amazing and although I know I could have had it at lot worse - my own parents were not good parents in a lot of ways and I fear that I will mess up my own children. I have MH issues due to my upbringing and whilst I have a good handle on things - I have quite intense anxiety. I worry that the part of me that is saying 'no' to the idea of children is acting from fear.

I also have built a great life with my partner and I know that having children is a huge sacrifice. I would want to be a great parent and I know a lot of that entails being selfless. To be brutally honest - I'm not sure I want this!

DP is generally great and I think would be an excellent father. We also have a very equal and modern relationship in terms of practicalities around our house/money etc and I'd like to think we'd be pretty 50/50 on raising a child. We've discussed that frankly a lot of times so I know I'd be very lucky in that respect. We both have flexibility with our work too which would help with childcare.

Am I unreasonable to ask your frank and honest feelings about parenthood? Do you regret it? Is it worth it all in the end?

OP posts:
Lampan · 07/03/2023 13:19

Fluffypeach · 06/03/2023 19:47

I was in the same boat as you - very undecided. Someone said to me "you will never regret having a child but you will regret not giving it a go" and i took their advice.

I'm 34 and my little girl is 15 months and I'm now expecting my 2nd later on in the year. It has been the toughest thing I've ever been through mentally and in the early days didn't even think my marriage would survive.

The fog lifts as baby gets older and I absolutely love being a mum and my daughter is an complete beam of joy in my life, if i could go back in time i would absolutely do it all again :)

But how can anyone know they would regret not ‘giving it a go’? Maybe they’ll have a wonderful life without children.

Also how is having kids something you can approach as lightly as ‘giving it a go’? It’s not like fancying a drastic haircut or taking up a new hobby. What if you give it a go and hate it? I agree with @sammylady37 - it’s dreadful advice.

Some people will be perfectly content with their lives that are ‘without seasons’ 🤣 - and I’m sure they don’t miss not having to go to Disney or soft play.

MammaTill2Pojkar · 07/03/2023 13:22

I had my eldest at 31, youngest at 35. I sometimes regret the loss of freedom, the easier and more carefree life we would have without children, but I know I would have regretted not trying to have children more.

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 07/03/2023 13:24

If the childfree wish to experience the joyful seasons there's nothing stopping them from going to Disneyland. Soft play might be a bit trickier admittedly. What a half life it would be though never having been to soft play!

Janedoelondon · 07/03/2023 13:27

Hi @BasketCase101, totally understand your concerns. I would never have believed this before until going through it myself, but 'negative' behaviours on how you were parented can absolutely be changed, so you do not carry these forward to your own child. Having self-awareness is the first step, being able to appraise yourself regularly and having a commitment to change (as we often default our own parenting styles as to how we were parented ourselves).

The book 'the book you wish your parents read (and your children will be glad you did)' by Phillipa Perry sheds a light on this and may help reassure you. I have also had therapy (CBT) to help me tackle my demons away from my little boy, so would definitely recommend this too if you are worried. I hope that helps!

CheersForThatEh · 07/03/2023 13:31

Kids aren't a good choice to have just in case you regret not doing it.

It's like choosing a high stress job which has a good chance of damaging your mental health and ensures you will never sleep properly again for worrying about them.

Only have them if you really really want them because that's what gets you through. Imagine a horrific birth and health issues and then regretting it.

Barannca · 07/03/2023 13:34

My children are the best things that ever happened to me. And I have never regretted having them .
But having children does change your life completely. I am glad I didn't know how hard it is before having them as if I had known I wouldn't have had them and my life wouldn't have been as rich as it is now

KimberleyClark · 07/03/2023 13:42

Lampan · 07/03/2023 13:19

But how can anyone know they would regret not ‘giving it a go’? Maybe they’ll have a wonderful life without children.

Also how is having kids something you can approach as lightly as ‘giving it a go’? It’s not like fancying a drastic haircut or taking up a new hobby. What if you give it a go and hate it? I agree with @sammylady37 - it’s dreadful advice.

Some people will be perfectly content with their lives that are ‘without seasons’ 🤣 - and I’m sure they don’t miss not having to go to Disney or soft play.

I agree. With most things in life you can “give it a go” and if it doesn’t work out you can stop doing it. Having children is irreversible.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 07/03/2023 14:14

Whether you have children or not life will likely throw some curved balls at you and not turn out how you expect.

My children are the best thing in my life and I have never regretted them for a second. However, life is not at all what I anticipated when I made the decision to have them.

I was on the fence. I wanted to be a mother but after experiencing an appalling childhood I was very worried I would not be good enough or know how to be a good mother, with no model if good parenting to follow. I also have health problems so worried how I'd manage from that perspective. Ex-H persuaded me it would be ok, and that all parenting etc would be 50/50. We had a detailed plan. With those assurances I thought it would be manageable.

Then when they were babies he walked out. Now has no contact at all. He has caused huge damage to them. And I'm now a lone parent trying to manage children with disabilities, my own health and a demanding professional full-time job to provide for them. No family help.

So even if you do everything "right" (well established long-term relationship with someone with a good job and income who seems stable, well-established and paid career yourself, agree in advance to equal parenting, already own a home etc) things can change overnight.

My advice therefore, would be not to have children unless you are confident that you could cope with raising them alone - financially, physically and mentally - if your partner should die or leave. Nobody thinks this could happen to them, but it does. And whatever you do, make sure you continue to ensure that you have and maintain the means to be financially independent and provide for them alone if necessary after you have them, if you do. I am grateful every day that I ensured I had a well paid and flexible career before having them, otherwise their lives now would be very, very different.

But despite all of this, I do not regret it or wish I could change it. I am very sad for them that they do not have a father in their lives and the impact of that on them. I am not sorry for their existence, and the purpose of my existence now is to provide everything I can for them, financially and emotionally. But that is not miserable, it is a huge priviledge, being their parent. It does change you and your priorities entirely but brings meaning and purpose to life and a boundless, unconditional love that could not be experienced any other way, far different to and exceeding what could be possible to feel for a partner or other family member. But without experiencing that you wouldn't miss it because you'd never know it.

There are negatives, of course. The responsibility, especially being the sole provider for all their living costs. The worry for their wellbeing and what kind of lives they might have as adults. The knowledge that any life includes some suffering and that I made the decision for them to bring them into existence and therefore for them to experience that, but hope that they will find love and fulfilment and happiness that outweighs this. The hope that I won't pass on my own traumas. What they will think of me when they grow up and will they think I've done a good enough job, that they had a good childhood? In the end the only judgement of a parent that matters is the child's own judgement as an adult. I've not been able to spend as much time with them as I'd hoped because of our circumstances, which makes me very sad. The drudgery of all the physical and mundane work is huge and exhausting and this makes my health worse, but will improve in time I hope as they get older. Things I wanted to do with them but now can't afford to, on top of being sole provider, make me sad to think of (more holidays for example, to show them the world, while they are little sponges that find everything fascinating. But impossible while paying mortgage plus another £2k childcare per month!).

Having children will mean a lifetime of conflicted feelings and worry in one way or another and usually (based on the mothers I know, whether married or single, SAHM or working) always some guilt. It is a huge and lifelong commitment to put someone else first always however, that part is easy, because you love them so much you want to. Someone said to me once that "parents are only ever as happy as their unhappiest child" so it is taking a huge gamble because you have no control really over how that will turn out, no matter what you do.

Life would have been far simpler without them here I suppose: practically, financially and emotionally. But far less meaningful. The joy I have at their curiousity about the world, their love for each other, watching their personalities emerge and that I will have watching them grow into adults. If I try to imagine what my life would have been without them, I think I'd enjoy the first week or so of rest and then feel empty. But I wouldn't know what this fulfilment and love felt like so I suppose maybe I wouldn't miss it, and would be enjoying lie ins and lovely holidays like I used to have regularly.

It is a double edged sword indeed and like anything worth doing is hard work and involves opening yourself up to the risk of tragedy. I think our pursuit of "happiness" is often misguided. Nobody feels joy all the time. For me life is about purpose and finding your own meaning and contentment. But there are many ways to go about that and people are all different, thank goodness.

We can never really judge the path untravelled because we do not know where it would have led. We are all, really, making decisions in the dark. And:

"Thus we never see the true State of our Condition till it is illustrated to us by its Contraries; nor know how to value what we enjoy, but by the want of it."

Robinson Crusoe, Daniel Defoe.

Good luck OP, whatever you decide.

Fluffypeach · 07/03/2023 14:17

Lampan · 07/03/2023 13:19

But how can anyone know they would regret not ‘giving it a go’? Maybe they’ll have a wonderful life without children.

Also how is having kids something you can approach as lightly as ‘giving it a go’? It’s not like fancying a drastic haircut or taking up a new hobby. What if you give it a go and hate it? I agree with @sammylady37 - it’s dreadful advice.

Some people will be perfectly content with their lives that are ‘without seasons’ 🤣 - and I’m sure they don’t miss not having to go to Disney or soft play.

I have absolutely no doubt people without children live a content and full life - I never wanted to suggest otherwise.

Obviously OP has the desire to have children and I was merely saying if you have that inclination then it's definitely something worth some serious consideration.

whichwayiwonder · 07/03/2023 14:25

DevantMaJardin · 06/03/2023 19:04

Think of the thing that you put the most effort into right now. Then double it. That's what it's like to have kids. It never stops. You can't just stay in bed on a Saturday morning. You can't just walk up your stairs without opening stairgates and placating a little one who wants to go with you. You can't just eat your dinner. Everything is a huge faff. If you're ill, think of getting up at 12am, 2am, 3am, 3:30am, etc to have to keep cleaning up your kid's vomit and do a full bed change, shower the screaming child, etc while you feel green yourself.
If you aren't sure, then gently, maybe they're not for you.

This describes a tiny fraction of the reality for me.

Saschka · 07/03/2023 14:31

MissHavishamsMouldyOldCake · 07/03/2023 13:24

If the childfree wish to experience the joyful seasons there's nothing stopping them from going to Disneyland. Soft play might be a bit trickier admittedly. What a half life it would be though never having been to soft play!

There is a massive soft play near us which lets parents in (or doesn’t prevent them anyway), and honestly when it is quiet it is pretty good fun jumping in ball pits with DS Grin

Not with 20 other screaming kids I grant you.

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 07/03/2023 14:41

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm finding the decision so difficult is that I also know that having my own child might be really healing for me and help me come full circle with some of these issues and heal some wounds. I don't want to continue that cycle.

This is absolutely my experience. It has been the hugest healing process. Very hard too, as having my own children and realising what that love felt like made my own childhood even more incomprehensible to me, and even more upsetting to think about. Emotions I had buried and shut in a box for decades surfaced, and I finally got trauma therapy that I should have had many years ago.

My advice would be - if you decide to go ahead - to do the therapy first. Much less overwhelming and means you'll be able to enjoy your child(ren) being small rather than trying to resolve your feelings about your own childhood at the same time, making your anxiety much worse.

But it can be done. And actually, having such awful parents and an horrific childhood myself has made me a far better parent because I really understand on a visceral level how things can impact a child in a lifelong way and am so determined to make sure that my own children are always supported and loved and listened to and given everything I can possibly give to them. I had exactly the same worries about not being a good parent, and still worry about it, but I think sometimes the people who had the hardest upbringings are the most committed to making sure their DC's lives are the opposite.

WoolyMammoth55 · 07/03/2023 14:48

Hi OP, I have no idea if you are still reading! :)

Just in case, I wanted to say that I shared a lot of your ambivalence about being a mother. Now I have 2 children (and we are stopping here!) and they are without doubt the best and most precious things in my life.

Motherhood is exhausting and it certainly brings up all your stuff - but as long as you deal with that stuff, and acknowledge it, this is a net positive IMO.

I realise that I am blessed to have (as far as I know) no SN or disability in my children, they are as "easy" as kids come... Which is not all that easy! But the upside is so massive that there is no regret here, not even a sliver, not even in the vomit-mopping times.

BUT the big proviso is that when we were TTC our children, at that point, we were pretty sure that we wanted them! So if you and your partner never get to that point of relative certainty - then this path may not be the one for you.

I believe that once you make the decision to bring a child into this world, that you have a profound moral obligation to do your whole-hearted best by them, even when that means putting your needs second. To do that you need some certainty, I think.

Wish you all the best, whatever you decide X

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 07/03/2023 14:52

It’s very personal to be honest. I never knew if I really wanted children, and we are now one and done - but she brings so much joy. And struggle. Everything changed, but for the better. And we don’t sleep. But we enjoy spending time with her. And she’s a little asshole sometimes. And she’s an angel.
Honestly I don’t regret it one bit. But it’s hard work

Janedoelondon · 07/03/2023 14:53

SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 07/03/2023 14:41

Perhaps one of the reasons I'm finding the decision so difficult is that I also know that having my own child might be really healing for me and help me come full circle with some of these issues and heal some wounds. I don't want to continue that cycle.

This is absolutely my experience. It has been the hugest healing process. Very hard too, as having my own children and realising what that love felt like made my own childhood even more incomprehensible to me, and even more upsetting to think about. Emotions I had buried and shut in a box for decades surfaced, and I finally got trauma therapy that I should have had many years ago.

My advice would be - if you decide to go ahead - to do the therapy first. Much less overwhelming and means you'll be able to enjoy your child(ren) being small rather than trying to resolve your feelings about your own childhood at the same time, making your anxiety much worse.

But it can be done. And actually, having such awful parents and an horrific childhood myself has made me a far better parent because I really understand on a visceral level how things can impact a child in a lifelong way and am so determined to make sure that my own children are always supported and loved and listened to and given everything I can possibly give to them. I had exactly the same worries about not being a good parent, and still worry about it, but I think sometimes the people who had the hardest upbringings are the most committed to making sure their DC's lives are the opposite.

Hi, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but thank you so much for posting this, it has really helped me know this is possible, as I am in the early days of a similar journey. Thank you x

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 14:59

Janedoelondon · 07/03/2023 14:53

Hi, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but thank you so much for posting this, it has really helped me know this is possible, as I am in the early days of a similar journey. Thank you x

It’s my experience too.

tunamayo81 · 07/03/2023 15:00

I don’t know if i’d say i regret it as such, i love/adore my little one (aged 2) and i’m SO glad i have them, BUT i still really miss my old life, we have no family support, my health has deteriorated, my career is restricted due to childcare opening at a certain time and honestly, life feels much harder than i wish it was. I think i would’ve been quite happy with a life of nice holidays, restful weekends, good career or whatever.
What I would say is, if you are in any way undecided then don’t have any kids! this life is v hard and you might well end up resenting it if you didn’t desperately want it to begin with.

lewiscapaldi · 07/03/2023 15:02

WimpoleHat · 06/03/2023 19:03

I don’t regret it at all. Best thing I’ve ever done. I’m not - and never have been - a “kiddie person”; still not keen on other people’s children! But my own are the most amazing people on this earth and I love them with my whole heart. So don’t rely on any generic feelings about “children”; how you feel about your own is likely to be something that blows you away. It’s hard work at times, yes - but also immensely rewarding.

Exactly this.

BasketCase101 · 07/03/2023 15:05

Janedoelondon · 07/03/2023 14:53

Hi, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but thank you so much for posting this, it has really helped me know this is possible, as I am in the early days of a similar journey. Thank you x

You aren't hijacking anything at all :) That's exact what this thread is for and I'm really glad its helping a few of us.

OP posts:
SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea · 07/03/2023 15:10

Hi, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread but thank you so much for posting this, it has really helped me know this is possible, as I am in the early days of a similar journey. Thank you x

I am glad it was useful to share. It's a much more emotional journey when your own childhood was awful. But I don't think I'd ever have addressed my own wounds, or healed them, if I'd not become a parent myself. The scars are still there of course, but the wounds are no longer open and I'm finally at peace with it all. And my children made up a song a few days ago about how I'm the best mummy in the world which reassured me that so far at least, I must be doing much better for them.

Springchicken75 · 07/03/2023 15:19

BasketCase101 · 07/03/2023 15:05

You aren't hijacking anything at all :) That's exact what this thread is for and I'm really glad its helping a few of us.

Your thread is just as much about your childhood and trauma, as it is about possible future children.

My experience was healing, at times lonely with my own memories and the route to (almost) full recovery. I could start again, I could enjoy another childhood with them. Life changing.

Thisisformathilda · 07/03/2023 15:21

I was grand till they were teenagers and now I question it every day. Nothing prepares you for this shit! 😂

Abouttimemum · 07/03/2023 15:25

I think it’s totally up to you and how you feel. I’ll lay out what happened with me in case it helps.

I was adamant I never wanted them. We were just happy as we were, DH and I, together almost 20 years. But I changed my mind quite suddenly at 37 (triggered by a couple of things). I was still quite on the fence, but started to lean more towards reaching 50 and regretting not having them. And I couldn’t think of a situation where I would regret having them.

So we went for it and quite honestly it was absolutely hideous trying to get our son here, but he is and he’s 3 now. We aren’t having any more, not because it’s hard, but because of the loss, pregnancy and the fact I’m quite old now after how long it took! But I’m happy with 1 and done.

The pros for me far outweigh the cons; the baby stage was really hard but since he turned one it’s been fine, and it’s mostly just fun now at 3 (this has been my favourite age); he basically just comes along with us in our adventures; he adds a new perspective to everything - I feel like I’m seeing things through fresh eyes; it gives me a different focus to work and realise that actually work doesn’t matter so much.

Obviously it’s not all petals and roses (he’s 3 and tantrums do exist!) and there are a couple of main things: the not being able to do what we want when we want and always having to think about the needs of another person who is entirely reliant on you; and also the constant thinking about him, the worry, the organising childcare and paying for it!

Honestly, I’m glad we waited, because we have a comfortable home, financial security, good careers, I’m comfortable with myself and who I am, and honestly we’ve done pretty much everything we wanted to do together so neither of us feel as if we are missing out on anything.

It helps that DH is a 50/50 parent (some of the horror stories on here are unreal!) and I don’t regret it - I never knew I’d ever feel an overwhelming love like this!

Abouttimemum · 07/03/2023 15:32

I will also add that DH had an horrific childhood full of abuse - lots of hitting and shouting. And he was very worried about the sort of parent he would be despite being the gentlest of souls, his mental health is a real struggle rooted in childhood trauma. He has really broken that cycle and is a wonderful father.

It’s been very healing for him over these few years. The main thing for him has been that he still up until a few years ago thought much of what happened to him was his own fault - that he must have done something wrong or been a bad child or deserved it. But with our son, he has realised that he was just a child and his parents the adults, and the way they treated him was through their own failings and nothing that he did or said could have changed that. That has been really helpful for him, even if it has made his own treatment he suffered even more difficult to understand.

Abouttimemum · 07/03/2023 15:34

@SleepingRedSnowBootsAndThePea can I please ask which therapy you used for childhood trauma, if you don’t mind? My DH is still keen to tackle some deep issues. Thank you.

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