My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

[Piki]

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

Title should read, is my mum BU (being unreasonable)!

Yes I think she's being unreaosable!

Everyone here is going to tell you it’s your pregnancy so just up to you who you tell when etc. And they are of course correct.

…but I’d be a bit hurt, truth be told.

Yes making about her own insecurities and ego and not joyful for you and showing you loving support. Sounds v emotionally immature. I know it must be very disappointing and hurtful but please don’t let her dent your joy with all the rest of your family. Don’t give her that power. Choose to blithely ignore and hopefully she will realise she’s cutting off her nose to spite her face!

She is BU because you should be able to do whatever you want with your announcement. Tbh my mum would be devastated and angry and probably behave similarly. But it’s unacceptably childish to be pass agg

I actually don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to be a bit hurt (she birthed you so she’d like to be among the first to know about your news?) but it’s unreasonable for her to behave like this in response

YABU. Of course you can tell who you want when you want, but she’s your mum and I think it’s quite sad you didn’t tell her first, even before the scan.

It’s your right to tell people as and when you want. Doesn’t make it less hurtful though.

She's being ridiculous. I knew before close relatives with a couple of friends. I don't know if the parents know that but I would definitely tell my best friend before almost anyone else.

Give her time - she's feeling a bit hurt but will come round.

Congrats by the way!

Your biggest mistake was to let your mum know that sil knew first. I can see why she would be upset by that - but it's not her decision to make, who gets to know first. Yanbu.

I think it’s reasonable for her to feel a bit hurt; it’s only natural to feel a bit upset that someone you thought you were close to didn’t confide something in you, but did to someone else.

But it’s completely unreasonable for her to be so passive aggressive towards you, especially if it’s lasted a while - she’s really cutting off her nose to spite her face here.

I do understand her feeling hurt. We told her on Saturday. I didn't hear anything from her yesterday. So, I phoned her today and tried to chat about positive things like finding out the gender, the scan, and she was being very passive aggressive so I gave up.

I wouldn’t have told her that SIL already knew! She is being unreasonable though.

She is being ridiculous. My friend was actually with me when I took my pregnancy test, not my best friend, my friend. My Dh was second to find out within 5 minutes of me taking the test, best friend was a couple of hours later who was over the moon and not miffed in the slightest. I was actually on a night out with friend and best friend and I wanted to tell her in person. Plus I couldn't drink. We waited until 12 weeks for everyone else.

She’s being unreasonable, but you may have to let her have a ‘first’ eg telling her baby’s name first to placate her, even though you shouldn’t need to.

She's not unreasonable to feel hurt that you blurted it out to your SIL and not her.
You're not unreasonable to feel hurt she's acting with a degree of coolness towards you now.
If you really care for each other, have a hug and sort it out.

I would be really hurt if I was your mother. Once your sil knew you really should have told her I think.

Shes your Mum, so it's quite sad you didn't want her to know before other people. But fully understand that everyone has different dynamics. At the end of the day it's your choice, and your Mum should be respecting that.

Most people I know would include their parents in their news from the get go, it feels the norm. But everyone has their own norm.

She is definitely unreasonable for her behaviour at the announcement but for being hurt I cannot say because it completely depends on your relationship with your mother.

Why did you tell her sil knew

I get why she was upset

Yes your baby and you decide who /when to tell

If my mum was alive she would have been the first to know after dh obviously

@Piki ' finding out the gender'

You mean sex.

Telling her that SIL knew sent a very clear message about where she stands in your life.

You don’t accidentally tell someone you’re pregnant. You might deliberately tell them early, I know I did with one of my colleagues when I walked into work and promptly passed out, but you telling SIL wasn’t an accident, and you told your mum that you’d already told SIL weeks ago and that is going to make her think.

And tbh if you’re going to tell her on your terms, then she can react on her terms. Clearly she thinks that you’re not as close as she thought you were.

If I'd accidentally told my SIL I would have then told my Mum.

Did SIL guess or was asking generally as she knew you were TTC?

I don't understand this attitude of parents somehow having ownership of their children and their children's information forever.

It doesn't need to be a bad relationship or any kind of rejection of them to tell someone else your news first. There isn't a right or a hierarchy in this stuff.

My mother is like this too. Expectations about what she knows, what I do, how often I see her etc etc.

It's childish and petty.