My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

[Piki]

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

She's being very childish and behaving appallingly.

I think it was absolutely fair enough and sensible to tell your DC first. That's what we did and our families all understood that, because they are capable of putting our children's emotional well-being first. Your mum clearly is not.

I can understand that she's miffed that SIL knew first, but you've explained how that happened and she needs to get over it. She has no business punishing you for it.

The best way to deal with pass agg people like this is to just ignore the bad behaviour. Literally ignore it. Be your normal self in conversation, don't respond to what is essentially just attention seeking. If she won't pack it in, limit your contact with her until she can behave like a grown up again. She is now risking spoiling what should be a happy time for you and her grandchildren, and she is going to ruin the experience for herself in the process. Very silly.

I can understand why she's feeling hurt. I know some PPs have mentioned friends knowing before their mums, but perhaps it's the fact it's your partner's sister plays in to it? Could she be worried she'll be sidelined and in-laws will be more included once the baby arrives?

My sister is pregnant with my mum's first grandchild, sister and her fiance spend far more time with his (very wealthy) family, and she has privately confessed to being worried she 'won't get a look in' once the baby's born. Obviously a different situation, but maybe your mum is worried about this?

@diddl @WasIWasINot SIL guessed and asked. We'd had many conversations about TTC and pregnancy, so she knew my reactions and answers were strange and asked me outright. Having just found out I was shocked and nervous, I hadn't had time to process it, or talk to DP properly either, so it just sort of came out. I didn't intentionally tell her. Then after having a proper conversation with DP, we both agreed to wait until 12 weeks. I was concerned about the risk of miscarriage and he was feeling overwhelmed; he didn't want people congratulating us or asking him questions at that point until he'd had time to process it (and neither did I, to be honest!)

I think she is being unreasonable. My work knew about my pregnancy before anyone else all 3 times. We told both sets of parents early the 1st time because I was in hospital and we had to cancel a holiday but otherwise they would have waited until after the dating scan just like everyone else did. I think your mum is being ridiculous.

You mum might feel it, but she’s not entitled to know anything anymore than anyone else is. She needs to get over herself. And if she can’t, she’ll be the one to suffer.

Right, so you ”understand” she’s hurt. You just want her to keep quiet about it and pretend to be happy for you so you don’t feel bad about hiding it from her.

The excuse of “just slipping out” doesn’t wash I’m afraid. Nor does wanting to tell 2 kids that aren’t even yours before your own mum.

Your mum is behaving like a child. She’s not unreasonable to feel hurt and disappointed, but she should be mature enough to manage those feelings by now.

I won’t accept such behaviour from my nearest and dearest and I’d be telling her very firmly to grow up and behave like an adult. My mum could sulk for England because my dad was also like that but as an adult, I made it clear that I wouldn’t tolerate such nonsense and she soon learnt to be more considerate. People can change their behaviour if they choose to.

If that's the relationship you gave with your mum ok then. But if you have a normal mother daughter relationship then yabvvvu. Your mum does not count as telling someone! The message you have sent her is if God forbid anything had gone wrong you would have kept it a secret and not wanted her support with a miscarriage. Especially as you told your sil. If you are not close then ok but don't pretend it's normal to not tell like we are in the 50s. Even then people told their mum so they had support in case it does go wrong. She will be extremely hurt right now. I could never do that, I told my mum immediately.
Also does your mum not even know you were trying? I'm not sure which would be worse, her knowing you are trying and not being told or your sil knowing about you ttc and her not at all.

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks Nor does wanting to tell 2 kids that aren’t even yours before your own mum

I think this is a horrendous attitude and I hope you aren't a step-parent. They are to be the siblings of mine and DP's baby; their feelings should be counted above anyone else's, by virtue of the fact they are children and will be the most impacted by the new arrival.

Yes for your work mates but your closest family and friends? Bit sterile!

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks you do not know it didn't slip out at all! You're adding bits.

OP your mother is not entitled to know. I'm pregnant at the moment and haven't told mine yet either. I would leave her to come round and wouldn't bother yourself until she does.

As for being awful in front of the kids, says alot about her. Upset or not.

Honestly, I would be hurt if my dd had shared this news someone else but not with me. She would never know that I was hurt, though - I'd keep it to myself. Ultimately, it was your news to tell and your choice about who to tell and when. So she is BU - not to feel hurt, which she can't help, but to let you know that she feels hurt. It is her issue and she should have dealt with it privately instead of piling the guilt on you/spoiling your good news.

What a nasty post. Are you 12?

Of course the children should be told all together, they’re a family fgs!

Me too. I can't imagine not telling my mum as soon as I found out. My DIL told her mum as soon as she had a positive test and told us at about 7 weeks. Everyone else was told at 12 weeks.

Well I suppose that happens when you talk to people about TTC.

I understand about waiting until 12wks-I did the same,

But having told SIL I wouldn't have thought telling one more would have mattered.

I feel quite sorry for your Mum.

No wonder your Mum is hurt. You kept it a secret from her even after you had told your sil.

I think that the '12 week wait' when it comes to your mother is unnecessary and hurtful. You haven't been secretive about trying to get pregnant so why the fuss about that now? It looks to me as if you're trying to retain a secret that never was given that your sister in law knew.

Why not keep quiet at that point until all the children knew (which is what you said you both wanted)?

Your choice but I think you're being ridiculously precious and I can see why your mother is hurt and personally, I think you have some fences to mend but that's up to you.

^^This

Did you tell her that you'd told SIL? That is a classic mistake.

You are entitled to tell who you want, she is entitled to feel how she feels. My MIL smashed plates when we told her I was pregnant so I wouldn't be too worried about a bit of passive aggressive myself.

She needs to grow up!

Your mother sounds horrible and no sane person would blame you if you did not want her around your child.

@FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks that's one of the worst replies I've read on here, I'm embarrassed for you that's how you think.

Congrats OP, lovely news!
Sounds like your mum is a bit sore she hasn't shared these first 12 weeks with you, but you haven't been unreasonable to not share until you've been ready. Its a very personal thing and you got pregnant so quickly you and DP must have needed that processing time.
She'll come around, just give her space until she's ready to drop the passive aggressive behaviour.
Your DSC must be so excited, you sound a lovely DSM! Good luck with your mum OP x

It's your right to tell people when you want to. She isn't wrong for feeling hurt though!

Your mistake was telling her SIL knew. She's on your DPs side so unlikely she'd ever have found out! My parents would behave like this, but it's because they'd behave like this they certainly won't know until after 12 weeks if we do concieve. They confuse 'invovlement' (read control) with closeness. However, I'd have no issue with telling my DHs parents before 12 weeks because I know they would be a source of support.

I'd love to have the relationship with my mum where we were close and I could tell her anything, that I'd want her to be the first person I call, but thats just not going to happen. In reality, telling her would make me anxious, even after 12 weeks.

It's up to you who you tell and when but I told my parents very early both times although partially that was as both times strangely enough I was going abroad. I don't think I could have waited til 12 weeks with them although we did with everyone else.