My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

[Piki]

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

Surely people understand that in a normal parent child relationship they are not other people? Odd how many mn posters have terrible relationships with their parents. Very dysfunctional and it makes the advice given quite unusual. Especially for family dynamics.

A lot of pp have described their relationship with their mothers like a neighbour or colleague, not close family. Imagine if your own children feel like that about you. And patterns tend to repeat even if you try.

YANBU. She is being ridiculous and petty.

She may well feel hurt that

she wasn’t the first to find out, but needs to understand that you blurted it out and regretted it.

*Some of us have learned through painful experience that our mothers are not necessarily sources of support (sometimes quite the opposite) and that keeping information back from them is self protection rather than cruelty.

OP, I hope she grows up and acts her age rather than her shoe size soon.*

Yep. Does nobody else on this thread have a worrywart mother? I have bloody 2. Love them both, but MiL is a "I haven't slept in WEEKS with worry" type and my mum tries to will bad things not to happen by talking about them. The last thing I would have wanted was to phone (they're 200 miles away) and tell them about a missed miscarriage. I wouldn't tell my mum if I was having investigations for e.g. cancer either until I knew either way.

They all found out at 12 weeks. I didn't tell them I'd told my best friend at 8 because she wanted to book us a holiday!

My mum was 4th to find out and I didnt think twice ! You don't need someone making it about them.

Yanbu at all. Your mum is being completely OTT. She sounds quite selfish from what you have said, maybe even a bit narcissistic. Leave her to it. She will come round. You sound like a thoughtful and kind person, good luck with everything.

It would probably be more understandable if she has a history of telling other people your secrets, but if not then I can see why she would be a bit hurt about being lumped in with "everyone else". If you had had a miscarriage, would you have wanted or needed her support? I'm guessing she thought you and her had a closer relationship than you do. Her passive aggressiveness is childish, but I think she's just trying to process her feelings and come to terms with you deciding now she can be involved.

I had it just me and my partner at my birth. He was all I needed albeit I was sad that it was the first grandchild of my mums that she had missed the birth of but covid was still a thing so it had to be that way anyway. Don’t feel guilty it is your birth experience and your special moment do what you think is right and best as you want to feel good and positive and also look back on it with those feelings too..

Has she any other reservations? Is this only about the announcement?

Yep sorry OP but I think this too.

I'd be so sad if my DD couldn't talk to me about this kind of thing and only told me at the same time as she announced it to everyone else. And you say your DM was at the birth of your previous child when you were much younger so it does sound as if you have a normal and decent relationship with her.

She may be acting like a bit of an arse at the moment but she's hurting. There are lots of PP here who agree that while it's your right to decide, it's also very understandable that your DM is hurt.

I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

Correct & congratulations!

Yanbu

I have one like this too!

We wanted to reveal our lockdown baby gender to siblings first (after school), baby was born in the morning, I did FaceTime my parents and my own siblings with baby to say “here, all went well (planned section) and safe” but wouldn’t tell them gender, so they had a massive fit, it ended with me in tears in hospital with my newborn and no partner as at this time this wasn’t allowed! They continued this after the birth stating I was out of order not to tell them first 🤷🏻‍♀️

@zeg3885 you had the baby then wouldn't tell them what you had?

Yanbu. I can see why she was a bit hurt but she's being really immature now.

Both our mum's were weird during my pregnancies.

My mum got in a huff because we found out what we were having with the 2nd. She wanted me to go out of my way to keep it a secret from her til the baby was born. I didn't.

MIL never mentioned either of my pregnancies from the day we told her to the day I gave birth! Nothing. She'd talk about the weather, TV, next door neighbour's washing .. would never ever mention the baby. So weird!

Yes she is and I wouldn’t pander to it. If she wants to be miserable then let her but don’t engage, hopefully she’ll wise up soon and can join in the excitement. Congratulations and enjoy your pregnancy!

MN madness at its best.

You were being ridiculous.

She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL.

It’s not that YABU to not tell her immediately, but YABU to have told her you told someone she presumably thought was less close and less important to you way, way, way before telling her and expect her not to be put out by that. In her shoes, I wouldn’t say I was hurt but I would be hurt. Why did you tell her that?

I completely agree. Absolutely insane to phone someone purely to tell them that you weren’t going to tell them something. Ridiculous.

So glad it's not just me that thought this!

Everybody saying they would tell their mums first and she would be a source of support... That’s lovely that you have that relationship with your Mum.

But I feel like if OP did have that lovely close bond with her mum, then she would have wanted to share it with her. It’s not the her (the child’s) fault if they don’t have that.

Presumably if your DM is being passive aggressive now, she has form for sulking / attention seeking and maybe that’s why?

So she has made your happy news all about herself and her upset, and has such a lack of self control she behaved like this in front of the children, making things awkward for them?

How absolutely juvenile and tedious.

Now she is being PA🙄.

I don't think this is normal behaviour.

I think it is selfish, self absorbed and certainly wouldn't encourage you to be around her.

Give her lots of space OP.

Congratulations, and mind yourself.

Why on earth would you have your mother with you atvthe birth when you have a loving supportive partner?

The OP says her mum was at the birth of her first child though - surely if you had a problematic relationship with your mum, that wouldn't be the case? OP seems to have a decent relationship with her.

I also think that the OP doesn't seem to have any comprehension why her mum would be hurt, especially the fact that having blurted it out accidentally to the SIL, she wouldn't then have told her. It's not just that she didn't tell her, but she seems nonplussed why her mum is so hurt.

Obvs the mum is sulking and not dealing with it very maturely - but sometimes we aren't at our best when we're hurting.

I find it really weird that she cares what order people were told in instead of being excited about having a new grandchild.

It’s not like she found out from someone else

I told my parents after we’d had a scan but my work friend knew before that as she’d known we were TTC and asked me outright (like OP I didn’t want to tell a direct lie)

It was nice to have someone to talk to about it who wasn’t as close as family. If I’d had a miscarriage then obviously my work friend would have been sad for me but she wouldn’t be devastated in the same way family would be. I’d hate to make my parents so excited and then have to take it away again. (Obviously I know things can go wrong at any stage but the odds are in your favour after a certain point)