My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

[Piki]

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

I'm with your mum. To me it's odd not to share with your own mother straight away.

I’d be hurt in your mums shoes
but I’d hide it so no one knew

As much as I get her being hurt I don't see how her reaction can be considered reasonable. At the end of the day it's your mum and she should just be supportive.

I would have loved to wait until post 12 weeks to tell my mum. Mine actually knew not long after I did because I had been admitted to hospital as they expected it was ectopic. I waited until I had actually been "admitted" to call her as to me being in hospital was just the line I couldn't cross when it came to secrecy. STILL she was annoyed at me about not telling her earlier. I had maybe found out 3 hours before. (She eventually sort of apologized and made out she was only joking about being annoyed but it still irked me)

So yeah I get mums are like this but they are adults too. If yours can't manage her own emotions and would rather be "passive aggressive" then be happy for you then I think that's very unreasonable! You can't go back in time and tell her. she just needs to get over it.

Your mum will get over it. Why did you tell her that your SIL knew?

Remember that you are public property when you are pregnant! Everyone must be informed of every aspect of your pregnancy.

Congratulations!

Of course I’m not a stepparent 😂

Blended families don’t work no matter how much people protest they do. It’s very selfish of the parents and it’s not good for the kids already involved in such a mess.

Are some PP unable to comprehend that not everyone has the same kind of relationship with their mum? That it's not necessarily the case that someone's mum is actually part of their main support network or someone they're very close to or would share intimate things with?

It's not intrinsically strange that a woman may not involve her mother in early pregnancy. It may be strange for some women because they have a close relationship with their mum. Whereas OP has the kind of mum who is manipulative and spiteful when she doesn't get what she wants, is apparently only interested in her new grandchild and OP's pregnancy on her own terms and is happy to spoil things for her existing grandchildren in the process of punishing OP. I can fully understand why this may be a person with whom there isn't the kind of wonderful bond that would make OP feel like she wants to share the most personal parts of her life.

I dont quite get how she knew SIL knew beforehand?

At any rate, I would have told my mum straight away, but you clearly wanted to keep it away from her and treated her like if she was everyone else, so I get why she is upset and now you try to fake involve her with some other detail and she just sint that interested.

You have every right to keep it a secret and she has every right to be deeply hurt

I agree, it’s bizarre. Just because she’s your mum doesn’t make the pregnancy her business any more than anyone else. She needs to grow the fuck up and so goes everyone else saying they’d be hurt if this happened to them.

YANBU - your pregnancy, your body, your baby

She sounds extremely childish

Does she have every right to be nasty though? To make what should be an exciting time for her grandchildren awkward and unpleasant? To pointedly show zero interest in the pregnancy as a way to punish her daughter?

I couldn't keep that kind of news from my Mum. I was always too excited and would blurt it out as soon as I knew so I can understand why she was hurt. Let her lick her wounds and she'll get over it. Congrats!

I do understand why my mum would feel upset at not having been told sooner, but it's her reaction that I think is unacceptable. She made a point of being unhappy and annoyed in front of our DC when we told her. Now she is continuing to make a point and be passive aggressive, 2 days on. My mum does unfortunately have a history of being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion. She also goes on about and brings up things that have upset her for years and years.

She was at the birth of my DC 8 years ago when I was a lot younger. She was also at the birth of her other 3 grandchildren. I've been thinking about it being just me and DP at the birth and I am already dreading having the conversation with her.

Yes she’s definitely being unreasonable.
But then my MIL said when we told her we’d had a boy….’oh I wanted a girl”. Same when we had boy twins….” But I wanted girls, can’t you make those “

Then my mum refused to believe we were pregnant altogether untill I produced the scan and she said we were thoughtless as we should have waited for my brother and SIL to have one the first. As my brothers child should be her eldest grandchild.

Some families !!!!!!
MNs should get together and write a book.

congratulations !

This. Particularly after the “accidental blurt”

I've been thinking about it being just me and DP at the birth and I am already dreading having the conversation with her.

There’s no need to have the conversation. Don’t mention it, just ask her to look after her grandchild while you’re in hospital.

Is it possible she's not over the moon about the pregnancy? You said both you and your dp were overwhelmed that it happened so quickly, which makes it sound as if you haven't been together very long?

I personally think your Mom is being very silly @Piki. Obviously, you know the mistake you made was telling her that SIL knew but otherwise I really can’t see how you did anything wrong! Her being passive aggressive is just pointless and a waste of time.

Lovely that you made the kids feel special by making them the first to know. I imagine it will be something to really bond them together which is nice 😊

I told my Mom at 12 weeks, if she had an issue with that she was adult enough to keep it to herself.

@whathaveidonetomydc No. She loves DP and we've been together years. We fell the first month of properly TTC!

yanbu. Sorry you're dealing with this.

There’s something wrong with you.

Mums don't really count as 'other people' though.

Why/how does she know you told your sil first?

Who you share your news and medical health with is completely up to you.

Everyone is entitled to have their own feelings on any situation but to act with such entitlement is ridiculous- it's not like you've been round DP's whole side of the family to let them know!

If she wants to act like that, I honestly would leave her to it, there's something about new babies which send some people crazy- it's as if all they can think of is themselves and the baby rather than understanding it's their own children's turn to raise a family.

I'm continually shocked on MN by the rubbish behaviour of women who should know better, i.e. mothers of grown children.

Recently I've read of a woman who was insisting on being a grandmother despite what her son & DIL intended, one who was taking over baby's first birthday AND wanted him to call her 'mum' (WTAF?), ones who've taken it upon themselves to announce the pregnancy/birth/baby's name to all & sundry ... and many others committing other such offences.

All I can say is we aren't all like that, at least I sincerely hope I wasn't/am not. Put your foot down, women! Don't let these other women throw their weight around and, if it's your DP's mum, make him stand up to her!

I think this your body and your pregnancy therefore it is up to you who you share your news with.

My own mum would be the first to know. I personally wouldn't have told step-children before my own parents.