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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

149 replies

Piki · 06/03/2023 17:14

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

OP posts:
inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 06/03/2023 18:12

I can understand why she's a bit miffed, but hopefully she'll come round soon. It can be a bit of a minefield, I told my mother and most of my family earlier than twelve weeks as I have a small social/family circle and I didn't know anyone close trying for a baby. I would try and involve her a bit more if you can with the pregnancy,(is it her first grandchild?) and I'd ensure that she is amongst the first to know on the big day/or night.

FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2023 18:14

The voting is confusing because you put Aibu and then later put "is my mum BU".

How nasty of her to react like that in front of the kids, and then to sulk and go pass-agg. She's basically succeeded in spoiling your announcement and making it about her. Being disappointed because she wanted to be The First To Know doesn't mean that behaviour is OK.

I understand some people here saying they'd tell their mum first, but no one is obliged to tell their mum first if they don't want to. Some women aren't close to their mums, some mums can't be trusted not to pass on personal information to other people when you ask them not to.

Havehope21 · 06/03/2023 18:16

She is BU but, like others have said, I can see why she is hurt (I would be too in her shoes - especially since it was an IL). Is there anyway you can plan a nice day for you and your Mum to spend some quality time together and make her feel included as she is clearly hurting.

Tandora · 06/03/2023 18:17

If you understand why she is hurt then what is your complaint? She’s hurt. You find that understandable. She’s letting you know she’s hurt.

Of course you are free to tell who you like, and she is free to express her hurt.

GlassBunion · 06/03/2023 18:19

I'd be hurt if my children told an in law sibling before me.

Sorry.

MrsDoylesDoily · 06/03/2023 18:20

Tandora · 06/03/2023 18:17

If you understand why she is hurt then what is your complaint? She’s hurt. You find that understandable. She’s letting you know she’s hurt.

Of course you are free to tell who you like, and she is free to express her hurt.

This ^^ sums it up for me.

Also, your mum didn't need to know that you told your SIL and then continued to keep it from her.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 06/03/2023 18:22

You are not being unreasonable, and that’s how I’ve voted. However I’d be upset if my daughter did this to me, I wouldn’t be able to help it. Yet I hope I’d congratulate her warmly, make her feel special and not let her see how hurt I was.

OheeOheeOh · 06/03/2023 18:23

It's your news to share though, you tell who you like, when you like. I find it odd to be annoyed/upset at not being told first.

I only told my mum about our 3rd child when I was 22 weeks, it was during lockdown and I had miscarried just before (she didn't know about that either). We wanted to tell our children "first" but we also didnt want to tell them before 20 weeks in case something went wrong again, I didn't tell anyone except my sister and close girlfriends (they knew from me finding out). My mum knew I'd told my sister and friends but didn't care, she was just thrilled I was pregnant. I'm close to my mum too, I think this is why i didn't want to tell her early on, so she wouldn't be upset if it didn't work out. My sister did the same too when she was pregnant, we both helped one another hide it not drinking etc, my mum laughed at how good we were at hiding it together on meals out etc (drinking one another's drinks!).

SugarHorse · 06/03/2023 18:23

furryfrontbottom · 06/03/2023 18:07

Your mother sounds horrible and no sane person would blame you if you did not want her around your child.

Really? That seems like a huge overreaction to me.

FamilyLife2point4 · 06/03/2023 18:24

I’d be hurt if I was your mum, being made to wait the 12 weeks like everyone else……it does scream ‘she’s not special to you’.
We didn’t announce either pregnancy, our mums still knew within the day of us knowing, because it’s our mums …..

CandlelightGlow · 06/03/2023 18:25

PressureLikeADripDripDrip · 06/03/2023 17:18

Everyone here is going to tell you it’s your pregnancy so just up to you who you tell when etc. And they are of course correct.

…but I’d be a bit hurt, truth be told.

Why? Can you do some self reflection on this?

Darkstar4855 · 06/03/2023 18:26

Your mum is not BU to be hurt that you didn’t tell her sooner but her passive aggressive behaviour is unreasonable and a bit childish.

CandlelightGlow · 06/03/2023 18:28

Darkstar4855 · 06/03/2023 18:26

Your mum is not BU to be hurt that you didn’t tell her sooner but her passive aggressive behaviour is unreasonable and a bit childish.

Can anyone articulate why the DM is NBU for feeling a need to be informed by a particular point in pregnancy? The 12 week scan is a completely normal time break news of a pregnancy.

purplediscolove · 06/03/2023 18:29

I would of had to of told my mum. My mum who has supported me through out my whole life and who would have supported me through miscarriages if they were to happen. So I fully understand why she is hurt. I fully agree with keeping it secret from public and wider family but your own mum is too far in my opinion but as it’s said it’s your pregnancy and your decision and it’s done now so just get on with it apologise and she will eventually come round and she will be happy and excited just as much as you are.

surreygirl1987 · 06/03/2023 18:30

Your mum is being ridiculous and very childish. I didn't even tell mine until 16 weeks, and my SIL and loads if other people knew well before then.

Cornishclio · 06/03/2023 18:30

You might have done better not to tell her that your SIL knew before her as quite honestly if my DD had told other more remote family members before us I might have been hurt. They told us before others though as soon as they got a positive test as they did with SILs parents. I would not have been acting as immature as your Mum though and in the end does it matter who knew first? She will come round I am sure.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 06/03/2023 18:32

Some of us have learned through painful experience that our mothers are not necessarily sources of support (sometimes quite the opposite) and that keeping information back from them is self protection rather than cruelty.

OP, I hope she grows up and acts her age rather than her shoe size soon.

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 06/03/2023 18:33

FamilyLife2point4 · 06/03/2023 18:24

I’d be hurt if I was your mum, being made to wait the 12 weeks like everyone else……it does scream ‘she’s not special to you’.
We didn’t announce either pregnancy, our mums still knew within the day of us knowing, because it’s our mums …..

But why do you need to treat your parents 'special' when you're the one having a baby? It's not about them.

I get it if you have that kind of relationship but I speak to mine maybe once a month! I get disowned on average twice a year for nonsensical things. I'm not going to tell the rest of the family before her, she won't be finding out from someone else, but I'm not going to treat her special just because she gave birth to me. I have friends that are a much greater source of support in my life I would tell first though, especially if they were in the know about ttc.

Guis23 · 06/03/2023 18:36

She will have to get over it.

saraclara · 06/03/2023 18:40

In all honesty, I was a bit hurt when I discovered that my DD's friends had heard the news well before I did (she said she had to tell them because it was obvious she wasn't drinking when they went out), but I never said so, and tried to focus on the good news istelf. Hopefully she has no idea how I felt.

So yes, I get why your mum is upset, but she's not behaving well.

daimtheman · 06/03/2023 18:42

I've seen lots of 'but she's your mum' and variations on this but no-one has really given a clear reason why a mother should be expected to have this information before anyone else.

I'm not being obtuse, I'm just asking why there is this expectation? Like it's some sort of duty.

RicherThanYews · 06/03/2023 18:43

YANBU. I told my MIL early out of necessity because it was a high risk pregnancy and I needed her help, she was heartbroken when we lost not 1, but 2. I think you told your SIL out of momentary panic but wanted to tell your mum when you were "safely" into the 2nd trimester and that is understandable. I would love to go back and keep the news to myself to avoid causing anyone pain but that's life.

TomatoSandwiches · 06/03/2023 18:45

I can understand her being upset but it was unreasonable for her to actually display that emotion especially infront of everyone.

If you are finding out the sex I would probably let her know that first as a band aid, but that's just me.

Beverlymacker1 · 06/03/2023 18:45

I didn't tell my mum until I was 13 weeks and had told a few random other people. I have an excellent relationship with my mum and she's a normal person so she didn't mind at all, she responded with excitement at the news of being a grandparent again and it never occurred to me that she wouldn't.

I'd just leave your mum to stew on it by herself tbh.

saraclara · 06/03/2023 18:47

daimtheman · 06/03/2023 18:42

I've seen lots of 'but she's your mum' and variations on this but no-one has really given a clear reason why a mother should be expected to have this information before anyone else.

I'm not being obtuse, I'm just asking why there is this expectation? Like it's some sort of duty.

Because this baby is going to be a member of the family. Just as people don;t understand the instinctive pull of motherhood until they experience it themselves, I get that people don't understand how primal and emotional it feels for prospective GPs to know that the next generation is on the way.

I get that some people on this thread have difficult relationships with parents or PILs which might influence the way they feel, but for people with normal parental relationships can surely try to understand what grandparenthood means to their parents, and tell them first (or at least not two months after the first person, as in the OP)