My Pregnancy Announcement - is my mum BIU?

[Piki]

DP and I found out we are expecting just before Christmas. It is our first DC together. He has 2 from a previous relationship, I have 1. The pregnancy was very much planned for, but happened much quicker than anticipated!

When I first found out, I was feeling overwhelmed, nervous, excited, shocked... the first person I saw, the day after getting my positive pregnancy test, was DP's SIL. We'd both been trying to get pregnant and we had many discussions about pregnancy; that day she asked me outright if I was. Being flustered I blurted out 'YES'. I then went home and told DP that I'd told SIL, accidentally. We had a conversation and decided we would keep it between ourselves until 12 weeks. He was feeling overwhelmed with how quickly it had happened, I was worried about the miscarriage risk, and we wanted our DC's to be the 'first to know' so they would feel special, valued and a part of the pregnancy.

Fast forward to last week, we finally had our 12 week ultrasound. We told our DC's first and then started to break the news to everyone. Everyone was over the moon and excited for us, except my mum, who was very openly annoyed and upset. This was in front of our DC's which made it very awkward. She's since told me that she's upset and annoyed I didn't tell her, even more so because I'd told DP's SIL. I explained that SIL was a 'heat of the moment' accidental blurt, and I'd since agreed with DP not to tell anyone else. I told her my reasoning for us keeping it between ourselves. Since the announcement, she is acting really passive aggressive with me, she hasn't asked anything about the scan, how it went or given a genuine congratulations or made any positive comments.

I'm just carrying on as normal and not letting it cloud or disrupt how happy we are. I think she is being ridiculous, ruining what should be a lovely announcement, and we can tell who we want, when we want.

AIBU?

Her nose might be out of joint, hurt etc but a grown woman should be able to suppress those feelings and offer support and congratulations to her newly pregnant daughter. She is BU.

After my first birth was quite prolonged and traumatic, I thought they’d want to know all was well with the second, hence the phone call. My siblings and auntie all got the memo and responded with “so glad all is well, baby is beautiful, can’t wait to find out etc”, parents on the other hand were more concerned about the order in which they were ranked which was after baby’s siblings, rather a self absorbed response

This

Your sisters and auntie would also have thought you were batshit, they just didn’t have the balls to tell you.

Not before baby’s siblings no. The kids wouldn’t have know the difference I get that, but this is grown up responses were talking about.

Potentially true 😂

Potentially true 😂

Yeah I think they were just being polite. 😬 I think for most people the birth of the baby is more important than the sex of the baby.

Not everyone is close to their mum? Not all mums deserve to be told information.

She can be as upset and hurt as she likes but she shouldn't be taking it out on you. I'd take a step back and if she wants to know, she can come to you.

PS. I'm 6 months pregnant and my parents don't know because they don't deserve to know.

Too late now, but I know quite a few people who revealed the pregnancy to their children as if the children were the first people to find out, and then let them call grandparents to tell them that they were going to be a big brother/ sister. Grandparents acted all surprised, although they knew already. That way you avoid the complication of telling children so far in advance but also they get to feel special. Ultimately I imagine that your mum is upset that you and her are not closer, and it's coming out this way. If you were closer perhaps you would have told her, and it's fine for her to feel sad, but not fine for her to continue to react this way.

Do not feel pressure to have anyone at the birth, bringing a person into the world is not spectator sport.

Not necessarily, many overbearing parents have gotten in on things despite that making their child uncomfortable just to 'keep the peace'. Some find the strength to say no more, some don't.

Depends how close to your mum you are really. My children told me straight away every time

These threads always end up being mainly populated by posters who have problematic parents/PILs. I think most people with normal family relationships recognise that their pregnancy and the forthcoming baby is a much bigger deal to the prospective grandparents than to their friends, so act accordingly.

Genuinely, I do understand that it must be a bit grim to have parents who are so difficult that you don't feel that they deserve that consideration. But in general I think decent parents deserve to be told first (though not necessarily early on if the expectant couple want to wait until twelve weeks)

There's no excuse for anyone kicking off like the OP's mum though.

So you were willing to upset her, but now you are angry that she is acting upset (because you have to acknowledge her feelings I presume?) you say her reaction is unreasonable, but what has she done exactly? Did she scream and shout? She’s allowed to seem unhappy and annoyed, if, in fact, what she’s feeling is unhappy and annoyed. So what if it’s in front of DC? It doesn’t harm children to be exposed to ordinary and (by you own acknowledgment) ‘understandable’ human emotions.

And on the phone you say she was being “passive aggressive”- by that i presume she was still letting you know she felt hurt, and wasn’t interested in indulging you in an excited baby chat- because that’s not how she’s feeling.🤷🏼‍♀️

Your mum is allowed to have and express her feelings. Including negative ones.

Your mum is allowed to have and express her feelings. Including negative ones.

Normally I’d agree but in these circumstances her mother should talk to someone else about her disappointment and not land it on the newly pregnant daughter who should be focused on staying well.

Are you sure your mum isn’t just concerned about you having four DC to provide for and look after? My mum would be pretty worried about that.

I can understand why your mum would be hurt . She will get over it , but she’s entitled to her feelings too .

Let her digest the "drama" for now, she'll be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I am also pregnant, and really you have no control over how people react to the news, so live in your happy bubble, that's the best approach x

You’re both being unreasonable

As pp said, your pregnancy, choose who to tell blah blah. it also she doesn’t have to ask you how stuff went. Surely you can just share info you want to share, without her asking?
You sound attention-seeking tbh. Are you not telling her, if she doesn’t ask?. Why not?

In saying that, we all have different relationships with our mums. No way would i announce my pregnancy to my mum on the same day as i tell other people. Looks like you’re not that close. So not a big deal that she’s not asking about appointments.

Your DP’s SIL, assuming that is not your sister is quite a removed person from you to have told before your own mother. So I am not surprised she is hurt. But she also sounds very childish and needs to get over it.

I think there's a line though. Yes people are largely entitled to have and express their feelings, but there are limits. For example when we are angry, it's not OK to "express" that however we like. There are still limits in terms of the way we behave and our emotional responses. For a grandmother to not feel excited and happy about a new grandchild (or to pretend she's not) because she's unhappy about how the news was imparted - even though she's received an explanation and apology - is immature in the extreme. It's really unfair to deliberately cast a shadow over what should be a happy time and to spoil it not just for herself, but for her daughter and her other grandchildren. What a shame she's choosing to make this all about her, when OP did her best to center her children and obviously hoped that their grandmother would want to do the same.

YANBU OP, you've done nothing wrong and feel bad for the children of some of the guilt-trippers in these comments.

Also, the person who's really out of order in all this is your SIL, whose actions made you feel flustered in the moment and then indirectly caused these problems with your DM at what should be such a happy time.

Sorry to go off-topic but you see so many women (mostly) who are weirdly proud of supposedly being able to spot and announce a pregnancy, and it's something I really hate. Do you know what I do/say if I suspect a friend might pregnant, or notice her abstaining from drink etc? Nothing. I keep it to myself. If she wants me to know, she'll tell me.

She is being very unreasonable!

It isn’t unusual for people to wait 12 weeks before telling anyone and the only reason SIL was the exception was that she caught you on the hop and asked directly. She wasn’t “chosen”.

In your mum’s shoes, for me the happy news would have eclipsed all else in the moment, and if I’d later reflected and thought that I’d hoped DD would have told me first, I’d have buried it as a bit unreasonable of me. It’s funny that you told your mum at the same time your PILs were told, and on Mumsnet MIL threads posters often get roasted by a minority of posters for wanting to tell their mum about their pregnancy before their in-laws are told. They are reminded that it is their DH’s baby too and that MIL is his mum, how would they feel in 30 years time when the baby they are expecting decides they shouldn’t know they are expecting a grandchild until after their wife’s mum has know for weeks etc?

• here you are being told of for hurtful behaviour in telling everyone (barring one slip) at the same time!

The fact you foresee drama in not having your mum at the birth suggests your mum’s need to be central is more general than this one incident.

Real support isn’t being present at the birth of your grandchild, it is doing everything you can to be present if your daughter or DIL wants it, and supporting her choice if she makes the entirely normal decision to share that experience with the baby’s father, - her partner, or her best friend, or to go it alone with the midwives.

I’d leave her to sulk. Hopefully she’ll see sense and make friendlier overtures in time.

One tiny bonus is that you know your SIL is a goodun, since she managed to keep your news secret until you chose to share it. Are your dad, MIL and FIL also sulking about being “kept in the dark”?

Random bullet point!