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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that seeing as it’s hard to dispose of a body…

156 replies

OxygenthiefexH · 06/03/2023 11:28

I need to find a better way to manage my ex.

He is horrible.

briefly the 3 SEN teens live with me, he sees them 3 nights a month and he moved over an hour away and expects me to meet half way. He refuses to drive to our town as he says that the local police are in my pocket and I could get him arrested. He said that.

He messes me about constantly by refusing to reply to emails about contact, he pays maintenance but nothing else on our consent order as everything has to be agreed in advance, and he won’t agree to anything because he knows I pay anyway. As I type I’m at a private assessment for adhd as the local wait list is 2 years. He won’t pay for any of it and yet agrees it’s necessary.

The really crux is comms though and the only way to get ANY response is via the kids’ phones, which puts them in an awkward position. So how do I manage comms? For example confirming WHEN he will be at the meeting point for the kids, if he would swap one day so I get them for my birthday etc and vice versa.

what do I do if he won’t reply until the last minute, and even then it’s only via the kids, who are that point are crawling the walls at the uncertainty!

OP posts:
Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 09:17

And he only replied to that because I said I was going to start writing letters instead of email and sending them via the post room at his office so the secretaries will see them.

OP posts:
Dogscanteatonions · 13/03/2023 09:24

I sympathize. Over 15 years since divorce and I still think 'that's a good place to hide a body' when out on my walks.

I'm not even joking - I know some great places.

Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 09:33

Never leaves you, that feeling of “seriously, how can you be so shit?”

Ive emailed mediation. I’m trying that and then if that doesn’t fly, properly hostile, CSA, all comms via 3rd party/work.

OP posts:
SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 13/03/2023 11:42

Just when you think that they can’t stoop any lower, they prove you wrong.

Hardly a week goes by without me thinking he really is a terrible person.

One of my ( adult ) kids said to be recently that it would be so much easier for us all if he just died and then we wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. I assume they were thinking of natural causes and not pigs / patios.

Part of me is breaking my heart because I chose this awful person to be their father . And the other part of me is reading this thread and thinking how to do it Shock Sad

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2023 17:24

OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 09:17

And he only replied to that because I said I was going to start writing letters instead of email and sending them via the post room at his office so the secretaries will see them.

In future I'd put on all the emails "if no response to this email within 72 hours, a copy will be emailed to you at work".

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 17:33

OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 09:33

Never leaves you, that feeling of “seriously, how can you be so shit?”

Ive emailed mediation. I’m trying that and then if that doesn’t fly, properly hostile, CSA, all comms via 3rd party/work.

CSA etc is not "properly hostile", you're looking at this through the wrong lens I'm afraid.

It's erecting healthy boundaries for you and your kids.

Mediation is a really bad idea, never recommended in cases of abuse.

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 13/03/2023 19:19
R And R Swimming GIF by Angry Birds

The pigs are ready for their holiday

XelaM · 13/03/2023 19:27

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 13/03/2023 19:19

The pigs are ready for their holiday

😂 love this

Heronwatcher · 13/03/2023 19:29

Just stop. As others have said send one last message saying kids will be available from x to y time for you to collect. If you’re not here by x we will assume you’re not coming. Don’t engage with any complaints. Then stick to it- deliberately get out of the house once he’s missed his slot. If he says you’re being unfair tell him to take you to court (he won’t) at which point you can explain the whole sorry story.

ClareBlue · 13/03/2023 19:34

BaroldBalonz · 06/03/2023 12:13

You need to take your pigs to the beach for the day and feed them there. That way any identifiable fragments will be pooped out onto the sand and washed away by the sea.

Yes, I am aware that I overthink things.

I wouldn't call that over thinking, I would say it's paying good attention to detail. Which is needed in these situations.

Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 19:46

It’s not just about the contact visits - it’s the nobbing about parents evening and not doing their homework with them when he sees them, and not replying to emails about them. They deserve better.

OP posts:
Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 19:54

And the point blank refusal to pay for anything else despite it being in the consent order that he pays half “if agreed in advance.” He won’t agree to anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 19:56

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 17:33

CSA etc is not "properly hostile", you're looking at this through the wrong lens I'm afraid.

It's erecting healthy boundaries for you and your kids.

Mediation is a really bad idea, never recommended in cases of abuse.

Show quote history

So what should I do then? Go straight to court and reopen the consent order on the basis that he has shown he has no intention of paying for any additional costs because he won’t agree to anything in advance?

I have to speak to a mediator anyway if I go
down that route.

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 13/03/2023 20:00

I agree with the mediator and then court about the money.

But in facilitating the other stuff, like meeting him half way, letting him piss you all about, you’re just letting the situation go on and on. You’ve tried. You’re not going to change him. Just do what you’re legally obliged to, like have the kids ready, then leave the rest to him. Tell him to email the school office about parents evening. If he decides to go home when you’re stuck in traffic, take the kids back to yours until he collects them. Just stop trying to overcompensate and get tough. You can’t change him but you can change how this affects you.

GrannyWeatherwaxsBroomstick · 13/03/2023 20:21

If you decide to bury him, don't forget to remove fingers and smack the face a few times with a shovel to damage the teeth. Dental records are a sure fire way to get caught.

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 20:52

www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/survival-guide-family-mediation

You don't have to attempt mediation if you have evidence of domestic abuse. You have this as you say the police had to remove him at one point.

Happysalley · 13/03/2023 21:08

Do pigs enjoy eating humans? I've just googled and they mainly eat fruits and vegetables. Seems a bit cruel to feed them angry, bitter, and useless men no matter how useful it may be.

Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 21:22

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 20:54

Thankyou - but this is my only other option besides pouring £££ into the lawyers though, isn’t it? He simply won’t listen to me!

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 21:58

Can't remember, has anyone pointed out that you'd be entitled to legal aid?

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2023 22:31

OxygenthiefexH · 13/03/2023 21:22

Thankyou - but this is my only other option besides pouring £££ into the lawyers though, isn’t it? He simply won’t listen to me!

Show quote history

Thing is, he isn't going to listen to you no matter what you do. He's not going to agree to anything that isn't total capitulation on your part.

Why pay for mediation sessions (because you can bet your boots HE isn't going to pay one penny towards them) if you're just going to end up in court anyway.

It sucks to have to pay to resolve his 'assholiness'. But if the end result is that you have the court orders you need, isn't that worth the money?

Best bet is to consult with a good solicitor, show him/her the consent orders, lay out what you want and ask how likely it would be that you'd get it.

VikingLady · 14/03/2023 22:30

An archaeologist of my acquaintance suggested knocking out teeth then smashing them one at a time with a hammer (hold them in place with pliers, not your fingers!). Then you can scatter the fragments and they won't look like anything suspicious.

With the difficulty in finding dentists these days, disposing of teeth separately will become rather less important as time goes by.

Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 14/03/2023 22:47

for a man who smokes like a beagle, and has such a disregard for his health, his teeth are pretty good. No fillings. He keeps them clean by lying through them.

OP posts:
Original poster
OxygenthiefexH · 14/03/2023 22:49

I had the MIAM by zoom. I’m going to push ahead and see does he engage and if he doesn’t, I’ll have tried mediation which I’d need to do anyway before attempting to revisit the consent order.

I had to go over what an abusive wanker he is and it brought it all back. God I am SO well rid of him.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 14/03/2023 23:46

Yes you can try mediation but you don't have to, as above.