to think that seeing as it’s hard to dispose of a body…

[OxygenthiefexH]

I need to find a better way to manage my ex.

He is horrible.

briefly the 3 SEN teens live with me, he sees them 3 nights a month and he moved over an hour away and expects me to meet half way. He refuses to drive to our town as he says that the local police are in my pocket and I could get him arrested. He said that.

He messes me about constantly by refusing to reply to emails about contact, he pays maintenance but nothing else on our consent order as everything has to be agreed in advance, and he won’t agree to anything because he knows I pay anyway. As I type I’m at a private assessment for adhd as the local wait list is 2 years. He won’t pay for any of it and yet agrees it’s necessary.

The really crux is comms though and the only way to get ANY response is via the kids’ phones, which puts them in an awkward position. So how do I manage comms? For example confirming WHEN he will be at the meeting point for the kids, if he would swap one day so I get them for my birthday etc and vice versa.

what do I do if he won’t reply until the last minute, and even then it’s only via the kids, who are that point are crawling the walls at the uncertainty!

Keep a log of everything he does/doesn't do.

Also, I tend to recommend being 'overly helpful' on paper but actually using it to get what you want. So messaging/emailing along the lines of "I'm very aware of how busy you are and it appears that this is impacting on the children. For example, you missed contact on X date and the children were upset. In light of this and with the aim of facilitating an amicable contact arrangement that works for us all, please advise me whether you would prefer to reduce your contact time or if you require your PA to be CC'd on all arrangements so they are not missed in future"

He moved. He should do pick up.

You’re pandering to him and it’s costing you time, energy and money. I would go and see your solicitor, which in the long run will be a cost saving to check your rights and issue him with a letter stating the rules from a strictly legal perspective. Including paying full amount and not docking the £40. Plus the times the children will be made available to him to collect. Eg 10-11 am alternate Saturdays from x date. Then if he misses the window, you should have a back up activity for them.

Then once you’ve established the number of days contact he will be having and if he’s on the payroll rather than self employed, you can apply for CMS at source to stop him from docking the £40 round trip. This will cause him huuuuge embarrassment at work, which is why calling him via his assistant would also be good.

What are you wanting paid on the consent order? Maybe this needs to be readdressed?

We're not daft are we.

I’ve taken this approach today and sent a breezy “I know you’re not trying to be difficult” email.

I’ve also emailed a local mediation firm for a steer too. And if this continues I really will go full on CSA claim via his previous city form payroll and a contact centre etc.

My DH and I often discuss the best way to dispose of a dead body, no-one in particular I hasten to add, just for fun on a long drive. 🙂
My favourite so far is the "inaccessible roadside woodland" option.

Imagine a quiet road next to a heavily wooded area which runs downhill to even denser woodland, and which has signs saying it's maintained by the local council. Dump the body, rolled in an old carpet, down the slope and check it's covered by the overgrown shrubbery and then forget about it in the absolute certainty that the Council will never send anyone to check the woodland or cut back the ground cover. 😁

Alternatively, late at night, a heavy duty wood chipper facing into a fast flowing river works equally well and would literally take 5 minutes max.

Your ex is a bully and an absolute dick; tell him if he wants to see his children he picks them up. His problem, not yours. <<<hug>>>

He presumably earns a good salary.
He was removed by police
He is using the dc to get at you, this upsetting them
He is forcing you to change your plans to accommodate him being a dick

I think you need a solicitor and proper contact agreement for the dc and also agreement on how you communicate. I think I would suggest through his assistant as he is being so difficult

Meant to add sort proper maintenance payments

Pretty sure as he moved away, it is up to him to collect? If he won't, it isn't your problem.

We live near-ish a huge alpine lake that is so cold and so deep that bodies sink and never surface. It's estimated that there are over 200 bodies in the 'depths'. Got any lakes nearby? A boat you can borrow?

But seriously, you've said that he gets off on playing his games. So you need to stop playing right into his hands and just drop the rope. As other PPs have commented you need to stop accommodating him. Offer reasonable plans (EOW with a weekday night in between). Tell him what you are willing to do (if anything) about transport and what you expect as far as confirmation from him that he'll be there, and then just let it go. Put the burden on him to make plans and keep them. Yes, it'll be rough for awhile, until he learns that you mean what you say. But it'll be worth it in the end.

FWIW my friend had the same 'wait around halfway' issue with her ex. She resolved it by telling him that she would drive their son to him, but he would be responsible for driving him home. She figured 2 halfway drives = 1 round trip drive so she wasn't really driving more than she already did. It guaranteed that he saw his child AND that she got her free time. And since he had no childcare arranged near him it guaranteed that he'd have to bring the child back Sunday evening so he could get to work on Monday. The first time he tried the 'you'll have to come get him' she refused and magically he was able to drop him off. She also told him that if he wasn't there when they arrived and hadn't notified her of an ETA, she would turn around and go back home and the next access would be round trip 'on him'.

As far as him cutting the maintenance for 'petrol money', you need to formalize payment. Use the CMS calculator to figure what he'd have to pay, and unless he's paying way over that, go 'official' either through CMS or a court order.

That’s a good suggestion to do all one way if you are willing then no messing re half way drop offs. He will drop back as otherwise he’d have to deal with getting them to school.

Don't try mediation with him!! You don't have to in cases of abuse.

Yes and we didn’t do mediation pre divorce because of it. But I need to start somewhere.

Ah - now - I’ve thought about this a lot and…

…Actually, no. No, I haven’t.

Starting doesn't have to be a long discussion with him though.

So you have an established contact pattern? Write it down and email asking if he agrees, or what amendments he'd like to make. Give him a deadline. State that this is all in the children's interests.

'Cos that wouldn't look suspicious

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-together/parenting-plan/

Dahmer, is that you?

I am so sorry for your predicament OP, but I gotta say that I am loving this thread!
It's a shame your ex wasn't bald and toothless

www.facebook.com/reel/580595477314275?fs=e&s=TIeQ9V

And this is what BrickTop has to say.

I am friendly with a copper, from the Met. She didn’t break a sweat when I told her of his antics. She looked at me over her glasses and said “it’s a shame the m25 has finished. More of a cemetery than a road, in parts.”

Anyway he has received my bright and breezy email and not replied. He did however text one of the kids and said he had been planning to see the girlfriend and needed to speak to her first. He didn’t say anything whatsoever to me.

DS said “and that’s fair enough mum. He has to be nice to her, cos let’s face it, he’s not going to get a chance with another woman, is he?” 😂

Next time I see someone walking their pigs at the beach I will know what they are up to 😳😂

Loving this thread.

So sorry your ex is messing around. Hope some of this advice helps you get better arrangements in place.

Totally off topic, it seems to me that MN is the perfect way to find total strangers who would provide an alibi , you know, in the unlikely situation anyone here or hereabouts, ever needed one.

Rearrange the driving. You take them and he brings them home. The meeting half way just provides him more opportunities to piss you about.

So he answered through dc instead of directly. I do think you need a solicitor to sort access, money but also to put a stop to him answering through the dc. It’s not fair on them and not necessary to put them in that situation. Replying to your email isn’t anymore taxing than texting the dc. He really is an arse.

It’s beginning to sound hard work. Maybe the burying upright under a buried animal is easier after all. Failing that they are constructing a new bypass near here at the moment

So two steps forward (he asked about parents evening which he was far far far too busy to attend, even though it was on line and after work) and I replied with lots of detail.

and one step back - refusing to reply to any other emails, sending the kids home from his weekend stinking of fags and exhausted, no attempt at homework done. And oldest said he found a vape in his bedroom which apparently belongs to the new girlfriend.