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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand renewing wedding vows

137 replies

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:10

I got an excited text from my mum this morning with a photo of a sparkly ring and announcing that she is getting remarried. She's going to Gretna Green.

I live out of country so am often missed out of news but if my parents had divorced, I'd hopefully have been told about it before now so I'm assuming she means they are renewing their vows. 😆

I congratulated her, made a fuss etc but I don't understand. What does it actually mean? Is it just an excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you? Do people treat it like a wedding?

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 06/03/2023 11:11

Weird. I always think one of them has cheated and it's a fresh start.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 06/03/2023 11:12

There was a post about this a few weeks ago. Most comments were people saying it seemed pointless and would usually think one of them had cheated. I don't understand why you'd renew them but if it makes them happy, go for it.

TimeForTeaAndG · 06/03/2023 11:13

Did they have a small wedding originally or it wasn't the way they wanted maybe? Is it a milestone anniversary year for them?

I do think vow renewal has connotations of having gone through a very rough patch, separation, cheating but it's not always that.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/03/2023 11:13

They’ve had marriage troubles but have come through.

Newer trend.

In the old days couples who were in crisis would build a conservatory instead.

Boxe · 06/03/2023 11:13

I assume assume that the original marriage vows have been broken.

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:14

FrenchandSaunders · 06/03/2023 11:11

Weird. I always think one of them has cheated and it's a fresh start.

Maybe. I don't think so though as my mum is the type of person who would post cryptic messages on Facebook if something was up.

OP posts:
mewkins · 06/03/2023 11:14

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/03/2023 11:13

They’ve had marriage troubles but have come through.

Newer trend.

In the old days couples who were in crisis would build a conservatory instead.

😄 or get a dog?

fortifiedwithtea · 06/03/2023 11:14

I don’t understand couples who renew their vows. I thought the definition of a vow was an unbreakable promise. Which negates the need to say it again.

Correlation · 06/03/2023 11:14

@boxe - yep, me too

WandaWonder · 06/03/2023 11:15

I would be excited for them as a couple but to me it is an event for the couple, same with anniversaries, to be honest

I get a wedding invite but once married I leave the rest up to them

But I am always genuinely happy to hear good news for other people so happy they would be happy

Hbh17 · 06/03/2023 11:15

Vows are for life - they don't need to be renewed. I find it just odd.

24KaratCucumber · 06/03/2023 11:17

When my uncle and aunt did it, they made no secret of the fact they were doing it to justify a huge family piss up.
There was a buffet and cake and LOTS of alcohol, plus the usual family drama and a fist fight between cousins.
I've no idea why others do it though.

LordEmsworth · 06/03/2023 11:18

YANBU to not understand something, you can't understand everything.

YABU to pour scorn on someone else choosing to do something you don't understand.

Several of my family members have celebrated big anniversaries with a renewal or blessing, followed by a party. Because it's nice, because they want to celebrate their family & what they've achieved in that time, because they want a party, because they couldn't have the wedding they wanted and this is another chance...

Fine of you to think it's not for you, and great that you've found marriage and family life such a breeze. Bit mean to be critical of others.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/03/2023 11:19

WandaWonder · 06/03/2023 11:15

I would be excited for them as a couple but to me it is an event for the couple, same with anniversaries, to be honest

I get a wedding invite but once married I leave the rest up to them

But I am always genuinely happy to hear good news for other people so happy they would be happy

Me too. My partner's aunt and uncle threw a big party in a hotel for their 50th anniversary and were really upset when not many people turned up. It was in August 2021 when the last thing many of us wanted to do was be cooped up in a room with a load of potentially infectious people.

MissBattleaxe · 06/03/2023 11:19

I find it a bit self indulgent. Just have an anniversary party!

CamoFlamingo · 06/03/2023 11:20

I hate weddings and would have avoided my own tiny one if I could have! Can't imagine wanting to do it again. The one couple I know who did it were having problems and broke up soon after. I think sometimes people just do it for a party too.

DrManhattan · 06/03/2023 11:21

I immediately think someone has fucked up

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:21

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/03/2023 11:13

They’ve had marriage troubles but have come through.

Newer trend.

In the old days couples who were in crisis would build a conservatory instead.

They had a conservatory built last year. The evidence is mounting! 🤣

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 06/03/2023 11:21

Its something people only do when their marriage is struggling and they want to paper over the cracks.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 06/03/2023 11:25

whattodo1975 · 06/03/2023 11:21

Its something people only do when their marriage is struggling and they want to paper over the cracks.

This is what I think too.

if they want a party then just go ahead and have one for a birthday or anniversary.

If they want a blessing then pop down to the local church and ask the priest / vicar / minister / pastor for one.

it’s all very attention seeking with jewellery and fancy new outfits.

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:27

LordEmsworth · 06/03/2023 11:18

YANBU to not understand something, you can't understand everything.

YABU to pour scorn on someone else choosing to do something you don't understand.

Several of my family members have celebrated big anniversaries with a renewal or blessing, followed by a party. Because it's nice, because they want to celebrate their family & what they've achieved in that time, because they want a party, because they couldn't have the wedding they wanted and this is another chance...

Fine of you to think it's not for you, and great that you've found marriage and family life such a breeze. Bit mean to be critical of others.

Evidence of your claims please.

Where have I poured scorn or been mean? Where have I said that I'm married and if I am that I have found it easy?

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2023 11:27

I think a lot of older people in particular often had weddings which weren’t much about their own choices or wants: it was typical for the bride’s parents to choose the venue and half the guests and the marrying couple just had to go along with it (have a read of the ongoing wedding invitation thread in AIBU where many people are accusing a bride and groom of being selfish for not inviting all and sundry they don’t really know) and so see a vow renewal as an opportunity to finally do things their own way and have something exciting to prepare for.

And if they’ve been together for decades then I don’t think somebody needs to have necessarily massively fucked up to want a vow renewal - there will have been very hard periods in any marriage that length which might mean they want to celebrate the decision to keep pushing on.

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:31

They got married very young. I get the impression it was a shot gun wedding type situation. Not really ever talked about.

They've been married over 40 years I think. Not too sure. We don't really do anniversaries in our family.

OP posts:
Travelfan2021 · 06/03/2023 11:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

takealettermsjones · 06/03/2023 11:34

I would do it! But then, I love any excuse for a party!