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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not understand renewing wedding vows

137 replies

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:10

I got an excited text from my mum this morning with a photo of a sparkly ring and announcing that she is getting remarried. She's going to Gretna Green.

I live out of country so am often missed out of news but if my parents had divorced, I'd hopefully have been told about it before now so I'm assuming she means they are renewing their vows. 😆

I congratulated her, made a fuss etc but I don't understand. What does it actually mean? Is it just an excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you? Do people treat it like a wedding?

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 07/03/2023 07:44

The only people I know who renewed their vows were my PILs. No cheating or rushed small first wedding. They both had a deep faith and it was very focused round the church service and reasserting their commitment to each other. Think it was a wedding anniversary, for their 50th they had a church service again (as well as a very big party) but then they very much called it their anniversary.

I'm just planning on a party for our silver wedding anniversary.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/03/2023 07:45

User1990C · 07/03/2023 07:20

And people wonder why romance is dead. Vow renewal is also cultural. Celtic cultures had regular vow renewals before Christianity.

That being said, the misery in this thread is really bewildering.

It's absolutely standard for the place.

ZeldaB · 07/03/2023 07:46

I think its a bit weird, with overtones of “we fell out of love then back in love”. An anniversary party is more appropriate.

That said, if it makes people happy then parties are cool 🤷‍♀️

Roselilly36 · 07/03/2023 07:48

Not something we would do, and we have been married, nearly 29yrs! I always wonder if they have had problems tbh.

Battyfumworts · 07/03/2023 07:59

LookingOldTheseDays · 07/03/2023 07:30

The OP would probably know if this was the case though.

Show quote history

Not necessarily, I know from experience.

amyds2104 · 07/03/2023 08:08

I’d love to renew my vows just to get an excuse to wear a princess dress for a day 😂

Polis · 07/03/2023 08:10

And people wonder why romance is dead. Vow renewal is also cultural. Celtic cultures had regular vow renewals before Christianity

Perhaps they needed them.

ScottishLavender · 07/03/2023 08:12

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:31

They got married very young. I get the impression it was a shot gun wedding type situation. Not really ever talked about.

They've been married over 40 years I think. Not too sure. We don't really do anniversaries in our family.

So they had to get married the first time to avoid having an illegitimate child and now one of them has cheated so they're marrying again.

They really do worry about "what will the neighbours say", don't they! 🙄

ReneBumsWombats · 07/03/2023 08:17

I think its a bit weird, with overtones of “we fell out of love then back in love”.

What's wrong with that?

HikingforScenery · 07/03/2023 08:18

Renewing wedding vows is very, very common in my social circle. Mostly, people do it at milestone anniversaries. I love the idea. It makes the couple happy, so I say ‘yes’. All the couples I know who have renewed their vows are the ones that have always seemed like a great match, right from the beginning.

I don’t think there’s anything to “understand” or not not. (Most of) The people I know who complain about it either don’t want to get married or want to buy can’t.

fairgame84 · 07/03/2023 08:22

My parents did this for their 20th anniversary. Or to put it more accurately, my DM did this, DF just went along with it.

She said she wanted the wedding she never had the first time around.

gannett · 07/03/2023 08:26

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:10

I got an excited text from my mum this morning with a photo of a sparkly ring and announcing that she is getting remarried. She's going to Gretna Green.

I live out of country so am often missed out of news but if my parents had divorced, I'd hopefully have been told about it before now so I'm assuming she means they are renewing their vows. 😆

I congratulated her, made a fuss etc but I don't understand. What does it actually mean? Is it just an excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you? Do people treat it like a wedding?

Absolutely nothing wrong finding any excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you tbh. No one I know has renewed their vows but I like a party so if they did I'd be there and I'd be happy for them.

It's not for me - I'd have to want to get married first and I don't. But I don't have to understand it personally to realise that it may be important or even just fun for others.

Speculating about affairs and whether their marriage is in trouble is toxic shit, though.

Clioma · 07/03/2023 08:29

It's not something I would do but if others want to and it makes them happy then I'm happy for them and wish them well.

NorthernSpring · 07/03/2023 08:32

We're planning a trip to Vegas soon. We will be renewing our vows over there, just because we can and just because it will be fun.
No cheating, just always wanted a 'typical' Vegas wedding😄possibly with costumes!

Womblemumma · 07/03/2023 08:35

i love the idea, getting everyone together and having an amazing day , nice food and a drink, what’s not to like?

Luana1 · 07/03/2023 08:58

Polis · 07/03/2023 08:10

And people wonder why romance is dead. Vow renewal is also cultural. Celtic cultures had regular vow renewals before Christianity

Perhaps they needed them.

Also ancient people may not have made their vows 'for life' like we do, so renewing vows when they were not permanent makes total sense.

If modern day vow renewals are mostly just an excuse for a party, why not just have an anniversary party. The anniversary couple would still be the centre of events.

mydogisthebest · 07/03/2023 09:23

Some very nasty posters on here.

Me and DH have talked about renewing our vows. Neither of us have cheated and we haven't particularly been through tough times.

It would be just the 2 of us. Certainly don't want a big party. Didn't even want a reception when we got married but MIL was so bossy we gave in. We just wanted us and immediate family at wedding and meal after.

We have been married 43 years and both think it would be nice thing to do.

ReneBumsWombats · 07/03/2023 09:48

Luana1 · 07/03/2023 08:58

Also ancient people may not have made their vows 'for life' like we do, so renewing vows when they were not permanent makes total sense.

If modern day vow renewals are mostly just an excuse for a party, why not just have an anniversary party. The anniversary couple would still be the centre of events.

Show quote history

A vow renewal, an anniversary...who cares? Same ultimate purpose, why does it make a difference?

museumum · 07/03/2023 09:54

I wouldn’t go it because of all the responses here and assumptions people make.
But dh and I have been together 19 years, married 13 this year and I think it would be lovely to celebrate our love. The fact I still love him & I believe he loves me feels pretty astounding when I actually add up how long it’s been.
I guess we should celebrate anniversaries more. Our 10th was in 2020 so very odd. We went out to eat but it was extremely covid-measures (no alcohol, tables 2m+ apart etc). Maybe we should plan a private celebration for 2025 (15yrs married), but over 20 together.

Makingamess4212 · 07/03/2023 09:58

I never really understood it till I was in this situation. Me and my wife got married over 10 years ago. Around 5 years ago the relationship broke down, we were legally seperated, living seperately and "no longer married". While trying to figure out finances and divorce we actually ended up working things out, it took a long time, but we did it! We have moved back in together and are having a family. Neither one of us wants to put the old wedding rings back on, and it truly feels like we have started again. Which is what has promted us to want to redo our vows, just a small thing, a few family members and new rings. It just feels right.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/03/2023 10:00

Yanbu, I always think - who cheated then?

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 07/03/2023 10:41

I think it suggests the original wedding wasn't what they wanted in some way and they are going for a do over.

Shotgun wedding?
Very small low budget wedding?
Rushed wedding due to say military service or ill health?
Interfering parents?
Wedding not in church due to say a previous divorce but could now be done in church due to changes in policy?
Wedding not in church but have since found religion? Or a change in religion?
Wedding abroad that may not have full legal standing in the UK?
Someone not present at the original wedding that they wish was (say reunited with a birth parent in the interim)?

Alternatively doing it to mark having got over a rough patch, not necessarily an affair, maybe serious illness.

Or they were never married......

I know someone who married in their 70s, most people thought they had been married for decades but they had just lived together and been known as Mr&Mrs.

FarmGirl78 · 07/03/2023 10:42

I'm obviously in a minority but its never even crossed my mind that couples renewing vows might have had difficulties, or there was cheating. I know celebs sometimes do it, to put on a brave face as a show that it's all ok really. But not in real life I'd ever think it was the reason.

I think so many couples split up these days it can be sort of done as confirmation that you've achieved something admirable where many people don't manage to make it (clumsy choice of words there I know!) to 30 or 40 years etc.

My Dad wanted to renew his wedding vows for their 40th anniversary as he was so proud, and my Mum refused as she has massive anxiety (that she's in denial about!) and didn't want to be centre of attention walking up the isle. Poor Dad was devastated and has since said it was the lowest point of his life.

Another friends parents did it in their 70s, as way back they'd had a very very cheap registery office service when neither family had any money whatsoever to spare, and and they'd always wanted to get married 'properly' in a church.

MissyB1 · 07/03/2023 10:49

sausage767 · 06/03/2023 11:41

This again. My DH and I eloped. So on our 10th anniversary we had a special lunch with our loved ones who were not there at our original wedding. We both stood up and made new vows based on 10 years of marriage experience, and I expressed my gratitude to DH for his unwavering love and support while I battled cancer. My niece read a poem. Eyes moistened and everyone enjoyed a beautiful meal and lots of champagne toasts.

If it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

And this is exactly why we would potentially do it. We had a secret first marriage and didn’t invite anyone (various good reasons). Since then I have had breast cancer and Dh a brain tumour. If we renew our vows it will be with a few very close friends/family and it would be to thank each other for the support and commitment through the very hard times .

Couldn’t give a flying fuck if some mean spirited people assume one of us has cheated 🙄

5128gap · 07/03/2023 10:50

Staying married for a long time, raising children to adulthood is hard work. I can understand those that have gone the distance wanting to celebrate. And yes, I know that's what anniversaries are for, but no one cares about the regular ones, and at the time of the 25th/50th you might not be best placed to throw a party.
You don't have to understand people's celebratory choices. Just join in if you're happy for them and fancy the party, or opt out if you think its daft.