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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand renewing wedding vows

137 replies

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:10

I got an excited text from my mum this morning with a photo of a sparkly ring and announcing that she is getting remarried. She's going to Gretna Green.

I live out of country so am often missed out of news but if my parents had divorced, I'd hopefully have been told about it before now so I'm assuming she means they are renewing their vows. 😆

I congratulated her, made a fuss etc but I don't understand. What does it actually mean? Is it just an excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you? Do people treat it like a wedding?

OP posts:
Sparklybutold · 06/03/2023 12:28

I would to marry my husband again. My first wedding was ruined by my family of origin. I can't look or think about my wedding without feeling sad. I would love to redo it, on my terms, with the knowledge that we've survived. 23 years going strong. I'd make it intimate - probably just us and the kids tbh.

notacooldad · 06/03/2023 12:30

I have been married for over 30 years, but I wouldn't even dream of having an anniversary party either - it just smacks of total smugness
How? I don't get how a celebration smacks of smugness!!
I dont celebrate my anniversary but I certainly didn't think my nan and grandad were smug for celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary or my parents celebrating their 60th!
It was fantastic having a great time with all the extended family around and not an ounce of smugness in sight!!

BungleandGeorge · 06/03/2023 12:31

Just a celebration of being together, similar to an anniversary but with some words exchanged between partners. Mainly an excuse for a nice day and party and nothing wrong with that!

notacooldad · 06/03/2023 12:32

It's a bit of a trend currently, all these American wedding dress programmes started it as quite a few are for vow renewals
Its hardly a new trend! It's being going on for years!!

gamerchick · 06/03/2023 12:33

I wanted to renew my vows because my wedding sucked. Then I found out it usually means one of you has cheated so didn't. Don't want that shit popping into people's heads.

PinkyFlamingo · 06/03/2023 12:33

I renewed mine in 2015, originally married 1999. Couldn't care less if anyway thinks it was because one of us cheated. We were going on a holiday of a lifetime to California anyway and I had always wanted to get married on a beach, so renewing our vows was the next best thing. Only me DH and our 2 boys there. One of the best days of my life!

Landndialamrhf · 06/03/2023 12:37

I think it’s nice
but it’s obviously frivolous so most of mn will hate it.
But what’s the harm? Most people I know that got married say it was a really special day to think about their lives together, their futures, how important they are to one another and to feel close to their families and friends. A second go at that many years later perhaps for a special anniversary or other event sounds lovely to me.

Mistymoonsinastarrysky · 06/03/2023 12:37

Each to their own.
It’s definitely not something I would want.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/03/2023 12:39

I can understand why you'd do it if you've been married a long time and you just want to do something to refresh your feelings, remind yourself of your commitment and just have a little celebration.

I've never associated it with cheating but I can also see why a couple might do it if they're trying to get past it.

Greenfinch7 · 06/03/2023 12:39

I would think the vows of people who had been together for 40 years have a different meaning to youthful vows, said without really understanding their significance. 'For better, for worse' was easy to say when I first got married, but if I said it again now, it would mean a lot more.

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 14:00

LordEmsworth · 06/03/2023 11:56

"I don't understand" is pretty scornful in itself. Questioning their (or her) motives is pretty mean.

I am extremely sorry for thinking that you might be married, I had no idea you would be so offended at the idea. But it does also reiterate my point: It's fine that you don't understand why someone else wants to do something. The fact that you are questioning why they want (she wants) to, gives the impression that you think they are (she is) wrong.

Show quote history

I don't understand many things. 🤣 Not understanding is not the same as being scornful of them.

I never questioned their motives.

I clearly stated that I was happy for them and joined in on their excitement.

I wasn't offended about my marital starus. I was offended at you presuming that not undetstanding vow renewels means someone has a happy life.

I am extrenely sorry you are so defensive and took my curiosity as a personal attack on you. May you go forth and enjoy as many vow renewals as you like.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 14:07

Greenfinch7 · 06/03/2023 12:39

I would think the vows of people who had been together for 40 years have a different meaning to youthful vows, said without really understanding their significance. 'For better, for worse' was easy to say when I first got married, but if I said it again now, it would mean a lot more.

I know she hates that she had to say "obey" in her vows as that was the thing at the time. Maybe she just wants to cancel that bit out. 🤣

OP posts:
DoristheDuchess · 06/03/2023 14:12

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/03/2023 11:13

They’ve had marriage troubles but have come through.

Newer trend.

In the old days couples who were in crisis would build a conservatory instead.

😂 That make me laugh out loud!

Mountainpika · 06/03/2023 14:21

We've never even mentioned let alone considered renewing our vows. We feel no need to. But next year we aim to have a family (only) get together for our golden wedding anniversary.

Redglitter · 06/03/2023 14:28

My parents did it on their silver wedding anniversary. It was just them, my brother & I at our village church. We went out for dinner afterwards. I dont think they even mentioned it later to many people. It was lovely a renewal & blessing.

I do think the ones that are basically a second wedding complete with big dress etc a bit cringey

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/03/2023 14:28

This is so weird. I have never heard that a renewal means there was infidelity. What kind of people do you all know?!?

Jesus…it’s a reaffirmation of your vows it’s not some mea culpa I banged my secretary or the pool boy.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/03/2023 14:31

Redglitter · 06/03/2023 14:28

My parents did it on their silver wedding anniversary. It was just them, my brother & I at our village church. We went out for dinner afterwards. I dont think they even mentioned it later to many people. It was lovely a renewal & blessing.

I do think the ones that are basically a second wedding complete with big dress etc a bit cringey

Do those happen often?

whatfreshheck · 06/03/2023 14:35

DH and I are planning on renewing our vows on our 20th in Vegas. I think it's just a nice way of saying "I love you as much as I did at our wedding" - a reaffirmation of your commitment. Also we want to be married by Elvis and that sounds like fun! 😂

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/03/2023 14:41

whatfreshheck · 06/03/2023 14:35

DH and I are planning on renewing our vows on our 20th in Vegas. I think it's just a nice way of saying "I love you as much as I did at our wedding" - a reaffirmation of your commitment. Also we want to be married by Elvis and that sounds like fun! 😂

Neither of you planning on wearing the scarlet letter 🅰️ then 🤣

steff13 · 06/03/2023 14:43

LordEmsworth · 06/03/2023 11:18

YANBU to not understand something, you can't understand everything.

YABU to pour scorn on someone else choosing to do something you don't understand.

Several of my family members have celebrated big anniversaries with a renewal or blessing, followed by a party. Because it's nice, because they want to celebrate their family & what they've achieved in that time, because they want a party, because they couldn't have the wedding they wanted and this is another chance...

Fine of you to think it's not for you, and great that you've found marriage and family life such a breeze. Bit mean to be critical of others.

This. You don't have to understand it, if it makes them happy, so be it.

YDBear · 06/03/2023 14:44

Getting married the first time was bad enough. All that being nice to people you barely know and smiling and wearing uncomfortable clothes and having toasts, etc. What a nightmare and so glad when it was over. Had to do it in two different countries too. Idea of doing it again makes my blood run cold. Just had our 25th anniversary so don’t think I am anti-marriage, just anti all the attendant wedding bullshit.

LlynTegid · 06/03/2023 14:49

I've known couples do this for an anniversary. Sadly the last couple I knew who did this, shortly afterwards the wife was diagnosed with Alzheimers and has since died. They were married for 59 years.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/03/2023 14:51

YDBear · 06/03/2023 14:44

Getting married the first time was bad enough. All that being nice to people you barely know and smiling and wearing uncomfortable clothes and having toasts, etc. What a nightmare and so glad when it was over. Had to do it in two different countries too. Idea of doing it again makes my blood run cold. Just had our 25th anniversary so don’t think I am anti-marriage, just anti all the attendant wedding bullshit.

Me and DH are coming up on 20. Our wedding was nice but we wanted to elope. (In hindsight I’m ok we didn’t and we did have a wedding that we enjoyed) We’ve half-assed discussed having a renewal on an island in the Caribbean. We probably won’t, but it would be kind of nice to just do it for the two of us.

Polis · 06/03/2023 14:52

don’t think I am anti-marriage, just anti all the attendant wedding bullshit.

I really enjoyed all the attendant wedding bull. It was great fun. I’d much rather do that again than a ceremony.

picklemewalnuts · 06/03/2023 15:19

You say it may have been a shotgun situation-
Maybe they Had to get married that time, and now they Want to.