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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand renewing wedding vows

137 replies

Namechange1011111stairs · 06/03/2023 11:10

I got an excited text from my mum this morning with a photo of a sparkly ring and announcing that she is getting remarried. She's going to Gretna Green.

I live out of country so am often missed out of news but if my parents had divorced, I'd hopefully have been told about it before now so I'm assuming she means they are renewing their vows. 😆

I congratulated her, made a fuss etc but I don't understand. What does it actually mean? Is it just an excuse for a pretty dress and a party about you? Do people treat it like a wedding?

OP posts:
Blanketchops · 06/03/2023 15:43

I think they're a nice idea and to be honest I've never thought of them as being for those who have broken their marriage vows.

I've been married for over 20 years and me and DH still love each other. We've been through rocky patches and come out the other side so to me it would be a reaffirming of those vows we made.

I will likely never bother and just have an anniversary party instead but I don't dislike the idea if people want to for whatever reason. As pp's have said, their first wedding might not have been what they wanted.

For me, I absolutely loved my wedding day and I've always found it quite annoying that some get to experience that amazing day more than once whereas if you've stayed with your first DH often through some tricky times, you don't get to.

Lemons1571 · 06/03/2023 16:19

We’re renewing in a couple of years. Initiated by me, as our wedding many many years ago was awful for me - both sets of parents contributed (mistake) so they both wanted things their way.

MIL wanted to invite lots of extra guests and pay the extra for them. My DM moaned that this would make the church look “imbalanced and odd”. Then my DM was diagnosed with a serious illness and was going through treatment. She insisted on lots of changes so that she could cope with the day (eg band to be cancelled, disco booked but could only play slow classical music as she couldn’t manage anything loud or modern). She wouldn’t negotiate, just turned it around on me being uncaring if I didn’t capitulate. Oh and then the buffet was cancelled, as it was “ridiculous” that people would eat so much after a dinner and completely unnecessary- which resulted in starving guests eating the whole wedding cake so DH and I never got any.

I did stick to my guns on a honeymoon abroad, this was also tutted at as “optional and a waste of money” and how could we go away when we should be there supporting DM through treatment (which was going well).

Bridesmaids were so ineffectual that I had to organise every detail of a hen party else I wouldn’t have had one.

I spent most of the run up to the day in tears.

This time, older and wiser, we’re doing a runner and doing it our way. And I can’t wait.

Highfivemum · 06/03/2023 16:23

Oh my. My DH and are are renewing our vows next year.

I can definitely say nothing has happened. We have been married since teens and couldn’t afford a nice wedding : dress: reception or anything and thought it would be nice to re confirm our love in front of our 6 DC with a celebration party with those we love. It’s a simple as that.

Testino · 06/03/2023 16:23

People love any reason to throw a party, I guess. If we consistently lived long enough, there would be 'renewing of vow renewals' too.

LadyJ2023 · 06/03/2023 16:56

Funny me n hubby were saying about this the other day what's the point of renewal other than a party we both think it makes it look like marriage wasn't good or someone has cheated or whatever lol

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/03/2023 17:12

Testino · 06/03/2023 16:23

People love any reason to throw a party, I guess. If we consistently lived long enough, there would be 'renewing of vow renewals' too.

I know a couple who go back to the resort they were married at every 5 years for a renewal. I think it’s great.

smileladiesplease · 06/03/2023 19:54

Tacky and grabby

Polis · 06/03/2023 20:14

Tacky and grabby

What’s grabby about it?

GeoffGiraffe · 06/03/2023 21:01

I reckon we might think about having a blessing on our tenth wedding anniversary. Just get a load of prosecco and cake and have a party in church after the service like we did after our actual wedding. I might get a nice frock. Ds will want a new suit.

Nobody's cheated or anything, we've had a difficult time with other things, we should be having baptisms and we're not, so putting prayer and love around what should have been maybe.
.

notacooldad · 06/03/2023 22:10

Tacky and grabby
Jesus! What a reaction!!🙄
How about each to their own.
So e people like having their friends and family for a celebration. Why not?

Testino · 06/03/2023 22:15

saltinesandcoffeecups · 06/03/2023 17:12

I know a couple who go back to the resort they were married at every 5 years for a renewal. I think it’s great.

Show quote history

Yes if they're happy, I see no wrong there. I've seen a couple who do theirs every year. They've been together for 19 years or thereabouts and haven't missed one, as they said.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/03/2023 22:26

smileladiesplease · 06/03/2023 19:54

Tacky and grabby

You sound like you don't get invited to many parties.

Luana1 · 06/03/2023 22:57

I'm sure not all people who renew their vows do so because of cheating, but I would bet half the guests assume that is the reason. So I guess there is no better way to get people gossiping or at least speculating to themselves about the state of your marriage than announcing a vow renewal.

Friarclose · 06/03/2023 23:01

My friend did this, she'd been separated from her husband for a year and they'd managed to work things out.

She wanted a clean slate before they tried for children.

10 years and 2 kids later they're still very happy and have been married for 20 years, save the one they were apart for.

ReneBumsWombats · 06/03/2023 23:02

Luana1 · 06/03/2023 22:57

I'm sure not all people who renew their vows do so because of cheating, but I would bet half the guests assume that is the reason. So I guess there is no better way to get people gossiping or at least speculating to themselves about the state of your marriage than announcing a vow renewal.

Those are some lovely friends!

Minfilia · 06/03/2023 23:03

I went to a vow renewal.

It was actually a big wedding type affair. The main reason was that they got married originally at the last minute with no “proper” celebration because the bride at the time was deathly ill and it was thought she might not make it.

So, on their ten year anniversary, they had the wedding they would have ideally wanted the first time around.

Nothing sinister and a genuinely lovely affair!

londonmummy1966 · 06/03/2023 23:11

I've never seen the point but have been to a number of renewal services for 25th anniversaries - followed by the big knees up afterwards that I assumed was the main event.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 06/03/2023 23:33

fortifiedwithtea · 06/03/2023 11:14

I don’t understand couples who renew their vows. I thought the definition of a vow was an unbreakable promise. Which negates the need to say it again.

This is how I think of it too.

Battyfumworts · 07/03/2023 07:01

I don’t agree that this is just about marriage troubles or cheating. Lots of people renew them after significant life events, such as serious illness.

User1990C · 07/03/2023 07:20

And people wonder why romance is dead. Vow renewal is also cultural. Celtic cultures had regular vow renewals before Christianity.

That being said, the misery in this thread is really bewildering.

Original poster
Namechange1011111stairs · 07/03/2023 07:27

So, should I get a gift? Is it the done thing?

I might not be invited, especially as it's going to be at Gretna Green but if I am, I will need to pay £££ for flights so any gift will be modest.

OP posts:
LookingOldTheseDays · 07/03/2023 07:30

FrenchandSaunders · 06/03/2023 11:11

Weird. I always think one of them has cheated and it's a fresh start.

Same. Cheating or some other form of rough patch. It's often not an indicator of a happy marriage.

If a couple just wants a big party to celebrate their marriage - that's what anniversaries are for!

LookingOldTheseDays · 07/03/2023 07:30

Battyfumworts · 07/03/2023 07:01

I don’t agree that this is just about marriage troubles or cheating. Lots of people renew them after significant life events, such as serious illness.

The OP would probably know if this was the case though.

Thepeopleversuswork · 07/03/2023 07:30

I think it probably makes sense if your first wedding wasn’t how you wanted it, ie it was very small or a bit shotgun. Or if you have come close to splitting up and then decided to stay together.

I personally can’t think of anything I would like to do less: one wedding is too much for me, let alone two. But each to their own.

HelpMeGetThrough · 07/03/2023 07:40

In the old days couples who were in crisis would build a conservatory instead.

So that's how mother got the conservatory so easily! 🤔