To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

Exactly this.
The kids were actually sharing until the other mother took it away.

My kids range from 38 - 18 and I’ve worked with young adults for quite a long time and can definitely see a shift in the attitudes of young people and not for the better.

As much as some people would have you believe, parenting in previous generations wasn’t usually abusive but actually enabled independence, co-operation and risk taking, all those things which are considered to be good for development. Of course no one has it all worked out but seriously the number of people implying that to encourage a child to share is wrong genuinely makes me shake my head.

OP, there is a huge difference between people pleasing and collaboration, sounds like you’re doing a good job. I would have considered this woman’s behaviour to be a bit odd too.

That's very true!

This is so well put.

She was very rude to your DD OP.
I think this is one of those experiences you have as a parent that gives you a little food for thought. You learn a bit about yourself and your beliefs and expectations. Sometimes there can be a bit of a revelation and you can see you would do things differently going forward. Other times it solidifies your beliefs and expectations.

Sharing doesn't mean giving up something when someone else wants it. To me it would mean either allowing someone else to use it at the same time if feasible (not always) or having a turn and then passing it to the next person. Not jumping to hand it over.

It does sound like the other mother was rude, although difficult to be completely sure without being there. I do remember reacting like OP to similar incidents when my first dc was little, over time I realized I was overthinking & was much more relaxed with my 2nd and 3rd dc.

So, my response to op would be YANBU but it's not worth worrying too much about.

There was nothing wrong with what you did. You're completely normal and nice. The other mum was werid and rude. I wouldn't give it any more head space. If it happens again, think I'd say, " hello my lovely! x is playing with that right now, but it's your turn next." Then when she's done with it, pass it over.

Riiiiight…?

they’re playing side by side, want to play with the same toy, it’s a social skill all toddlers have to learn

The other mum was a bit stoney and weird, maybe she just couldn’t be arsed that day.

In this situation from the off, I would have spoken directly to my child and reassured him that he was having his turn and he could continue playing and that the other child could have a turn once he’d finished. Sets out expectations all round ( for the other parent too ). If the other parent hadn’t responded and directed their child to another toy I’d have maybe added more toys to the other child’s eyeline and reiterated that my child could continue playing with the toy(s) they were playing with as it was their turn and the other child could have a turn once they’d finished - again speaking to my child to reassure them. If the other mother then took the toy from my child the toy - I’d have then taken it back and said to the mum that my child hadn’t finished taking his turn and would give it over when he had - and directed to the other toys in the area. I’m sure there were more toys to play with there and I’d advocate for my child.

its really difficult changing perspective as I know I was brought up to ‘share’ where as it’s a really difficult concept for little ones and turn taking is easier for them to understand and get to grips with.

Some adults are miserable arseholes. Just because they’re parents it doesn’t mean their personality changes. You met a mean one and she did a mean thing to your child.

IME soft play is just a Mecca for this kind of stuff. Avoid as much as you can as the next thing will be older kids whacking your kid with whatever they can get their hands on and their parents will do NOTHING.

This attitude is shocking!

Of course children need to learn to share public resources! You share the roads, the shops, etc don’t you?

I get your intention in encouraging her to share, but children under 3 are developmentally unable to understand sharing. You can really force her to understand it until her brain is ready in a year or two.

*can't

Someone said up-thread about kids not being able to play collaboratively until four.

I disagree. At some classic church toddler group, my two year old was playing with a toy shopping basket of food. Another two year old came up and started playing with the till toy right next to him. My one got a worried look on his face, gathered up the basket of food and hurried away with it so she couldn’t take it. I said to him to take the food back and play shops with the little girl. She could scan his food and he could pay for it. I got a whole tea and biscuit in peace as the two two-year-olds did that.

It was hilarious to watch and probably as a result of being Covid babies where the only day out they got was to the supermarket, but they cracked on quite happily.

This isn’t a weird boast about a two year old playing shops, it’s just never too young to instil a sense of sharing and playing together with limited resources.

I wouldn't overthink it. Some people like striking up conversations with random strangers, some people don't.

This. Maybe she's rude and selfish, maybe she was just having a really off day and didn't want to engage with anyone. I get that you're tired too, but people respond in different ways. Someone a bit more extrovert might try for some solidarity, someone introverted might just be thinking 'for the love of god, leave me alone'.

Maybe the mum knows her child and is de escalating a tantrum or even her child lashing out at your child, who knows?

But she did share, so except for other mum’s behaviour it was a successful thing. Of course it won’t happen every time as successfully but humans learn by being introduced to new things.

Children under 2 generally can't talk either, that doesn't mean we don't talk to them until they are 2.
From birth we model the behaviour we would like to instil in our children.
They also can't use cutlery or chopsticks but adults still use them in front of our children so that they learn, or we give them a spoon.

Allowing a child under 3 or 4 to play freely w/o any guidance from adults, and then suddenly expecting them to 'get' sharing really won't work.

But the items weren't "her precious things". They were in a public space for all kids to use, so what is wrong with encouraging a child to share and take turns with them? There's a fine line between not encouraging a child to be a people pleaser, and encouraging them to be unkind and inconsiderate in a shared/public space.

OP, I wouldn't overthink it. It was probably nothing at all to do with you or your DD.

She was probably just having a bad day

There is a massive difference between sharing and giving up. Sharing means either not hogging something for too long or if it is the type of toy multiple dc can play with at the same time, then allowing others to join. Giving up is stopping playing with something because someone else wants it regardless of whether you've had it long or only just started playing.
Sharing is good. Giving up is people pleasing and having no boundaries.

We all have had days but I’ve never behaved like this.

In short, who gives a shit about some random women you will never see again. Enjoy your day and have fun with your child.

Clearly not you. And why would you?

But it bothered OP and that's what MN is for.
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