To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

Her daughter was there first and playing with it first. Why would anyone expect a child to give something up purely due to the arrival of another child? That’s mental. And they were playing with it together anyway.

Some people are twats, OP. At a soft play thing at a farm park, my then 18 month old was playing with a slider puzzle fixed to a wall. A girl of 3 or so came over, hit him hard over the head and pushed him over. He obviously cried. I didn’t launch over to him, but I walked over and the mum of the three year old, really told her off (probably out of embarrassment). I walked over, hauled him up, didn’t make a fuss at all as it was more shock than pain, he’d stopped crying instantly anyway and I smiled at the mum in a ‘don’t worry’ sort of way. Anyway, she did this insanely loud huff, gave me a filthy look and stormed off. She proceeded to give me filthy looks whenever our paths crossed at the park. I looked openly bewildered to make a point. As I said, some people are just twats.

This is so lovely. Thank you 🥰

I wouldn't overthink it tbh, maybe she just had no energy to engage further. I know sometimes I just can't be bothered with small talk.

It does sound a bit off. Personally I didn’t like to encourage sharing, we did “make sure you take turns”. I don’t expect my kids to instantly get off something or do something else just because some other random kid wants a go. I want them to be aware others want a turn and have their fair go and then let someone else have their turn

@Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

God she sounds unhinged 😬

@NotAnotherBathBomb

I need some of your confidence!

She was probably fraught with a three year old exhibiting ‘challenging behaviour’.

Like you, I’d tried the solidarity approach, but she was having none of it. I expect it was a shit day rather than she was a shit person, but that’s me being kind as we saw her several times again, and she was rude each time. Including a memorable encounter by the peacocks, which I won’t bore you with 😆

Not everyone wants to be friends. Not everyone wants 'toddlers, eh' coffee shop bonding. It's not that deep.

I think you did the right thing OP, and good for you for introducing the concept of sharing at an early age. Your DD will not turn out to be a doormat as an adult just because she played with a toy alongside another child at age two!

Other woman was definitely off.

Not sure what boundaries this other mum is teaching her son.

Something like "you want it, you have it, no questions asked"

Personally I wouldn’t have encouraged her verbally to share. She was playing with it first. I may have gone into the play area and encouraged them to play together. Your friend could have come with you. The mum was wrong to remove the toy. But not everyone will agree. He should have waited until she had finished.

Yeah other mum should have encouraged her child to play with someone else as your daughter had it first, but it's nice if after a while you get her to let him have a turn. I can see your point about sharing and others points about teaching her she has to give up toy to others. I think you are right it's a shard toy and she shouldn't monopolise, but equally she could've played longer and if they were both playing without squabbling there's no issue. Other mum was unreasonable to take the toy away from your DD like that

But they are not her DD’s precious things?? They are public toys that are there for the public to use, so yeah you should learn to share public and shared spaces.

It just makes me so angry! But practice makes perfect 😁 although hopefully for you you don’t have too many of these situations

Exactly. I personally don't think this is a great lesson but each to their own.

I think there's a range of perfectly acceptable ways for people to behave in the OP's situation, and the OP's response (reminding her daughter to share while keeping an eye and seeing that they were both playing with it ok) is totally within range.
Some people are saying they would do differently (e.g. give the dd longer before asking her to pass it on, distracting with a different toy - etc). To quibble over which of these is best sounds gets us into some sort of 'advanced' parenting techniques discussion - I expect that even experts would not all agree on the absolutely optimal action!
But at a general everyday level (the level I have an opinion at) - what the OP did was totally fine, and what the other parent did sounds a bit off, but perhaps explainable as tricky day/less good social skills than OP etc.
OP - I hope that your dd enjoyed her swim and play (despite the hiccup) and you had a good catch up with your friend. From what you've said, you're doing a great job!

I worry you're teaching your little girl that male wants are more important.

It sounded like they were sharing, the OP said they were both pushing the till buttons.

TBh @FrostyFifi I think it's the other mother doing that.

Some mums are bitches. I mean it’s harsh but true. You don’t need to think of this lady anymore. I’ve got a young baby and an older child and I’d never be shitty to another mum even if I was knackered. Don’t give it anymore thought.

nb. I've only got as far as this post....

She mustn't - her Mum was trying to teach her the social expectations.
I share things with random strangers all the time.

I manage to get a spot under cover while watching my son play football. I shove over, move my bag and allow room for the random stranger.
On public transport, I make sure I am aware of what's around me so that I can accommodate others if need be.
I make sure I don't monopolise a table for 4 in a cafe if I'm on my own.
I move over in a book shop so others can browse the shelves.
I make sure others have a turn on fitness equipment if there isn't enough to go around.
I want to sit in my car for a bit, but realise someone is waiting for the parking spot, so I move on.

None of these things make me a people pleaser (in the negative sense of the word), they make me a reasonable human being.

No wonder there are so many entitled younger people around.

Taking a toy off a toddler who is playing with it & had it first is never right, no matter what shit you're going through.

@sunglassesonthetable I agree moreso the other mother. OP sounds lovely and well-intentioned but probably needs to guard against enforcing that message though.

This.

You don’t have to make your children share, especially with strangers. She shouldn’t have to step aside to please other children. You’ll make her feel like she doesn’t matter. She will learn to share but at the moment it’s a concept beyond her years.

The other mum was weird.

We had some "friends" who got very hung up on my son not "sharing" with their kid. At the time it did my head in as I felt they were criticising him and therefore me. Now I can see that they were dickheads who knew nothing about kids and I was being oversensitive.

2 year olds are basically babies. there is no point expecting them to share and yes, she was being a cow, but she's probably struggling and when I look back to that stage all I think how is how difficult it was getting along with other parents when you are forced into these fraught and tedious interactions at toddler spaces at cafes with randoms when no one has slept properly in two years.

Reading this brings it all back. Sympathies. It gets better, try not to overthink it and get some sleep.