To think this was a little bit "off"?

[susiesuelou]

I took my DD (just turned 2) swimming yesterday to a place we haven't been before. When we came out there was a little cafe and small toddler play area inside the cafe, with a little play kitchen and a few toys etc. I got a coffee for me and my friend and a snack for toddler, and we sat at a table very near to the play area as my toddler had already ran over to the little kitchen to play. Friend and I were sitting chatting and drinking our coffees watching toddler play. Next moment, a lady arrives at the table next to us with a small baby and toddler who looked similar in age to my DD. He ran over to play next to my DD and showed interest in the toys she was playing with (a little pretend till and an abacus type thing). He stood beside her looking at the toys and at my DD as toddlers do. All good so far. I cheerily said to DD "are you going to play with the little boy darling? You must share" etc. Obviously she's still very young so the concept of sharing is a new one. The little boy started to play with the till and DD looked at me and started to cry. I reiterated to her "you need to share sweetheart, why not play with something else?"

I then smiled across at the mum of the toddler and said "she's only just turned 2, she doesn't really understand sharing yet, we are trying though". I smiled as I said this in a sort of 'it's bloody hard isn't it' solidarity type way, thinking she would get it having a child of a similar age. She didnt smile back and just sharply said "yeah he's 2 as well".

I continued talking to my friend, one eye on DD. She was pressing buttons on the till as well as the little boy. The other mum then stood up, went over to where they were playing, reached over the top of my DD's head and took the till, and moved it to the other side of the little play area. Her son followed and began playing with it by himself. My DD just watched then looked at me and burst out crying. I went over to her and tried to distract with another toy and said nothing to the mum. I was annoyed though, thinking was that really necessary? They weren't fighting over the toy, they were just playing side by side and learning to share as 2 year olds do. Also, I attempted to engage her in friendly conversation about it so would have felt nicer if she had maybe addressed me and said "oh I know it's hard isn't it, shall I move this over here and then they don't fight over it" or something similar. Anything really other than just silently removing a toy away from my DD unnecessarily.

The whole interaction just felt really off. I've been to many a soft play / parks etc with DD and got chatting to many mums of toddlers. I've never come across anyone as stony and "off" as this. Maybe that's why it threw me. Usually other mums of toddlers get what's it's like and are friendly in their understanding of what it's like to parent a 2 year old. I get all mums won't be as friendly but this was just bizarre.

Not sure why I'm posting. Just for some perspective I suppose as I'm not sure why this upset me and wonder if I am overthinking this or if it seems a normal thing to do?

You've done nothing wrong, you invited your child to share the toy, they weren't ready to at that point, so you didn't force it. The other mum was clearly rude for taking the toy away for their child to use exclusively and upset your child, who was using it first. You didn't retaliate (which makes you a better person than me cause I probably would've gone straight over and taken it back for my child out of anger).
Toddlers should be encouraged but not forced to share. If they aren't prepared to share a toy at that point why should they? I'd only step in if my kid had been hogging something in a public play area.

The other mum was probably rolling her eyes at all your Disney parenting dramatics 🤣🤣🤣 it is really annoying to be around tbh lol

I think we've found the other - ignorant - Mum!

you're really highly focused on very agreeable people skills, not everyone else is. your toddler isn't. The other toddler isn't. The other mum isn't either, and you know what, that's ok. You might want your kid to grow up into a version of you; the other mum might be more ok with her kid growing up into a version of her, which is: I want this, it's legal for me to use it, I don't have to turn every situation into a forum in which to win hearts and minds and demonstrate my influence management skills, I don't need to manipulate everyone into being ok with me having it or at least pretending to be, if they don't really like it, they can take it back or just get over it. Not everyone is or has to be like you, which is a huge amount of effort, and look, here you are still putting effort into this tiny interaction hours later by rehashing it on the internet in order to achieve that little hit of "woo everyone likes me" which you were denied in the cafe, and you know what, not everyone can be bothered

Wow. I rarely say things like this but you sound deeply unpleasant based on this.

Otherwise known as "engaging in a normal manner with one's child"

🙄

For me "we need to share sweetheart" is quite vague and doesn't really tell a 2 year old what they need to do. I'd probably have said something like "ok DD the boy wants a shot of that toy by himself so 2 more minutes and then we'll find something else for you".

The other mum does sound a bit abrupt but like others have said, you don't know what's going on in her head. And when you have more than one child sometimes you just can't be arsed with the "mum solidarity chat" with strangers. I mean I'm not rude to people who try to engage me in small talk but frequently I just don't want to talk about mum stuff because I'm not that interested 🙈🙈🙈. When I was in the days of having a small baby and a toddler, I did quite often just crave a few mins peace and quiet while my eldest played and the baby slept and I could drink a coffee in silence!

And no, @trytopullyoursocksup it's not a "huge amount of effort" to be me. I just naturally am me and it's fine, like most normal people.

Some odd replies on here. Genuinely baffled.

you're really highly focused on very agreeable people skills, not everyone else is. your toddler isn't. The other toddler isn't. The other mum isn't either, and you know what, that's ok. You might want your kid to grow up into a version of you; the other mum might be more ok with her kid growing up into a version of her, which is: I want this, it's legal for me to use it, I don't have to turn every situation into a forum in which to win hearts and minds and demonstrate my influence management skills, I don't need to manipulate everyone into being ok with me having it or at least pretending to be, if they don't really like it, they can take it back or just get over it. Not everyone is or has to be like you, which is a huge amount of effort, and look, here you are still putting effort into this tiny interaction hours later by rehashing it on the internet in order to achieve that little hit of "woo everyone likes me" which you were denied in the cafe, and you know what, not everyone can be bothered

wow. Probably not that deep.

@sunglassesonthetable

There was a real hint of nastiness in that reply you've highlighted, it shocked me tbh.

Wow there are going to be some amazingly functional adults in 20 years time with this "don't share things" attitude! Only on MN have I ever come across people so unwilling to compromise with the general public.
OP, I don't think you did anything wrong at all. The other mum was an arsehole - there are many of them about.

Ignore trytopullyoursocksup - really odd rant there.
Anyone who says "and you know what" is just bored and baiting...

Another ‘82’ name that mocks an OP. Weird.

Op I'm never sure how to act in these situations. I find them so tricky to navigate. I also always tell DD to pass the toy to the next child once she is done but if someone takes what she is playing with I don't know what to do as I hate conflict (but feel bad for DD too). I know that wasn't your situation but I get trying to preempt and defuse what might become an uncomfortable situation.

Maybe the other mum was just socially inept and genuinely trying to avoid a conflict or maybe she was rude and entitled.

I don't think you did anything wrong. Hopefully she isn't someone you'll meet again.

I can’t be bothered with posters who can’t grasp the use of sentences when embarking on shitty diatribes.

I’d have been bloody annoyed. Your dd had more right to that to than hers as she was there first. It was amazing that they were playing with it together.

If they’d been fighting over it, it would have been nice of you to give it to the boy, but the onus would be on you - not the other mother to unilaterally decide to take it.

As it was I’d have been really annoyed at her. I might or might not have said something to her. Depending on how brave I felt.

bloomin heck op

44 posts you’ve dedicated to this issue. That is dedication (and evidence of a quiet Monday morning your end 😂!)

Yes the other woman acted weird. I think I would have said to my daughter that she was still allowed to play with it and takem her over to play with it where it had been taken. Id have then probably said something passive aggressive to the other woman

44 posts you’ve dedicated to this issue. That is dedication (and evidence of a quiet Monday morning your end 😂!)

You counted Veg? 😁.

Love it when all the " you're on MN therefore you care too much" posts come rocking in.

That's what MN IS FOR.

Strange thing to comment on. I started the thread so of course I'm "dedicated" to it. Monday is my only day off work and chance to relax and do as I please. Hopefully that's ok with you...?

Sharing doesn’t mean ‘you have to immediately give the toy you were playing with to someone else who has just rocked up and decided they want it’.

When I taught early years we had to do a huge amount of unpicking for children who would constantly cry ‘he/ she’s not sharing’ because another child didn’t immediately give them a toy they wanted.

I don’t tell my 2 year old daughter to ‘share’ necessarily, but might say something about taking turns or, ‘when you’re finished this little boy would like a turn’. I’m far more likely to say things like ‘sorry we’re not finished with that yet but as soon as we are you can have a go,’ to other children who try to come and take what she’s using - because I want to model the words she’s going to need to navigate this as she gets older.

Alternatively I’d probably have just left them to it in the first instance - you didn’t need to make a big deal out of it or try to engage the other mum necessarily. You weren’t doing anything wrong but maybe she read it as you being performative or passive aggressively implying that her son wasn’t sharing - ‘oh we do lots of work on sharing but clearly you don’t’ type thing. I’m not saying that’s what you were doing, just maybe how it came across.

Maybe the other mum was having a terrible day, maybe she wanted to move her son nearer to her so he was in her eyeline/ easy grabbing distance, maybe she thought you were having a dig at her parenting, maybe she’s just a rude cow. You’re not going to know so as long as you’re happy that you meant well and your daughter enjoyed her outing then honestly don’t overthink it.

I’d say that you were more concerned about pleasing a stranger than you were about your daughter’s right to not immediately give up a toy the second another child wants it.

That sort of behaviour works if the other person reciprocates but many people aren’t very cooperative and are naturally more selfish. Their brains work differently and they’ll just think you’re a mug and take advantage. Usually these people are women and that’s why so many women end up in abusive relationships.

I’m not criticising because I’m a people pleaser and someone who tries to ‘smooth things over’ if a conversation takes an awkward turn. It’s a nice thing I think but you just have to know where your boundaries are.

My daughter is very wary of new people (including children) and while she sometimes clicks instantly with another kid, most of the time she doesn't like them in her personal space. That's fine, it's her preference, and we have spent a lot of time teaching her to say 'no' to unwanted physical contact. Why, then, in a situation like this would I tell her she had to let another child into her personal space. Of course I want her to fit in socially and be a 'good' person. Not ever at the expense of her boundaries though. 100% turn taking is important, and in similar situations I teach her that she cannot monopolise toys in shared spaces but not to roll over and allow another child what they want when they want. That's doing neither child any favours.

@Sparkleshine21

FFS no it's not bloody entertaining to think the worst of people🙄🙄, and I don't, but the woman took the toy off a toddler who was playing with it & sharing nicely.

you want to make excuses for that, go ahead.

I think you have to walk a fine line when it comes to sharing or it can become detrimental. You didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ but a pp’s advice to let the boy have it after she’s finished with it was (imo) good advice.