To say something to inlaws or keep quiet?

[MakeMineATea]

Dh's parents moved away last year to a different part of the country. When they told us they were going, they said they'd visit us once a month for a couple of days, help out with our young dc's, give us an evening out, etc. This happened once a month after they moved and not since. If they've come to see us, it's been a quick visit in a day.

We've had a really difficult couple of years and especially the last few months. Our eldest child has very challenging additional needs and our youngest is still a baby. Myself and dh have mental/physical health problems. Both work.

My parents are 10 years older than dh's parents. They haven't been in good health either and although they would help out, I don't want to put that on them. Dh's parents are in good health and younger. They're financially comfortable. We will visit them in the summer but it's not somewhere we can go to regularly in our circumstances. Dc's are also too young to stay there without us and I don't think it will be a particularly child friendly house either.

I feel like they are full of false promises. Like coming for a few days to help us once a month. FIL said he'd decorate our dc's bedroom about a year ago. We didn't ask, he offered and said he'd do it several times but nothing ever came of it. We didn't follow this up with him, just got a decorator in to do it. They also said they'd give us £1000 to put towards a family car. Again, we didn't ask, it was genuinely and sincerely offered (I thought). A few weeks after that, we got a car, inlaws knew about it and didn't offer the £1000 they offered. We didn't say anything.

Dh and I have been at breaking point recently. The pressure of everything has been huge. It's got so bad for me personally that I'm struggling with self harm as well as other complex mental health problems. Plus trying to hold down a job and be a mum. Them moving away has been extremely difficult as they did see us every one or two weeks before that and it was nice to have that family contact.

It would massively help us if the inlaws would just commit to coming down once a month as they said originally. The problem is, they're not great with being asked for things. It's always on their terms when they fancy seeing their gc. So we feel awkward about asking but then again, if they don't know how we feel and how things actually are, nothing will change. But what if they just don't care?! Should we just keep quiet and not rock the boat? Dh is very hurt and angry about their blow hot blow cold, inconsistent behaviour towards us but has never said anything. Do we open this can of worm or keep the lid on?

You are very blinkered in focusing on ILs and not exploring other support, many nursery staff babysit, could you enquire at your nursery?
You seem very unwilling to accept as hard as it may be, that your DC are your responsibility 24/7, there are many ppl with no family to help, I have 4DC and no parents/ siblings/aunts, just had to get on with it.

Can't you ring them up and have a chat? Tell them outright that you need some help but make them commit to a regular thing. Just try to get a couple of days off for yourselves asap, and spend some time with them while they're there. They'll see that you need more help, or should, and maybe their consciences will be pricked. Still, leave that side of things to them as far as you can, but do let them know that you're struggling. Don't pull your punches but blame them or hold them to(or even mention) past promises. Draw that line and stick to it; no guilt tripping.

Sorry life feels hard at the moment.

Please do not try to rely on your in-laws - they have lives of their own. When my children were small we did not have one single relative within a distance where they could be of help to us. We managed of course.

Please write them out of the child care equation, then you can relate to them without resentment.

Too much weight is being placed on what they said before they moved. Yes, this might have been their intention but it's not a contract written in blood that they must honour for the rest of their lives! Things change and they are allowed to change their minds.

Be honest with PIL about your ability to cope right now. Families do like to support each other if they can.
Don't make it about them.
State that you are finding things difficult and ask whether they would consider coming down for two days and one night on XXX date - or on the second Tuesday of the month etc. Give clear dates and ask for assistance with no hard feeling which ever way they answer.. Say you have marked in on the calendar when they agree.
Once a week try to use another carer/babysitter who will get to know your children. Can your older child join a club like scouts or chess or a hobby to ease the burden of him being always in your care?
It has been unusually spooky with Covid and older family visiting younger family in recent years hasn't it. We are all not coping as well as before perhaps.

Fair play for finding them, it's just the same old same old, rehashed crap over and over again hoping to get people to agree. I smelled a rat as soon as I read it. I have read a so many versions before.

Oh wow. These threads have the same voice as OP

make them commit to a regular thing. Just try to get a couple of days off for yourselves asap, and spend some time with them while they're there

You can’t ‘make’ people to commit to coming down and staying in a nearby hotel to provide childcare for you with a child with challenging additional needs and a baby because you won’t put them up at your house.

OP I don't think you said how far away your ILS are from you now - how many hours drive? You did say there was no room for them to spend the night - so how long is their drive to you? is it tiring after a day's baby sitting on same day?
Perhaps they offered help because you seemed to put pressure on them to offer it when ever you spoke to them - such as how you could not afford new car - so they offered money and you told (or clearly let them know) how very difficult etc your life is with your child, health etc so - at that moment they offered help to be honestly wanting to help in ''awkward'' spot as they could not offer any advice to you to improve your situation? But then - they found the offer of help too much? Also you do not seem to think they have any financial or health problems of their own but maybe they do.

Seems you only want help with the more difficult aspects of family life.

You should want to see them because you want to see them and forge strong bonds.

Frankly I'd not want the 'come down to see us and do some difficult childcare' . Who would? They aren't saints.

I'd suggest you ask to see them and plan a lovely day out somewhere with suggestions and ask them what they would like to do.

Make them feel welcome for them, not what they can do for you. You've got it all wrong.

Op really can’t be well. This obsession with her PIL is not healthy. Something is not right here.

Definitely. OP would be far better off writing fewer posts about how mean she thinks her in laws are from every angle, and using the time to research, find and pay for some actual childcare.

But they don’t want to, or find it too difficult. Whatever the reason, use the money for a professional childcare rather than PIL. I get how hard it is, we never had PIL help, my DM helped occasionally, we also have a DC with ADHD/ASD and health issues. It’s shit but you can’t make people -even family-want to help.

Not gonna happen!

I think you should follow up on their offers - so if they offer money towards a car your husband can ask them if they want to transfer the money right away or when you have the car, and follow up on it. Either they keep their promise or they stop making offers they don't intend to follow up on.

Harder with helping with your kids - they may not be interested enough or feel they couldn't manage, but best way to find out is to ask them outright to look after the kids for a specific event. It is reasonable to ask grandparents to babysit - they can say no, it's their choice, but I think it's very unkind of them not to help at all, particularly with a SEN child.

OP, you've posted about this loads of times and you get told the same thing every single time.

What's the point?

YABVU!

Yes, it sucks that they promised and then broke that promise, but they are NOT obliged to look after your children! That's your job, as parents. If you are struggling, change something to make things easier...you simply cannot carry on feeling like the grandparents owe you childcare! They absolutely do not.

Ah, OP, you’re a regular on here with this issue….

Sorry you’re struggling.

The fact that you can’t, or won’t, put them up in your place is very relevant, and I’m surprised it was omitted from your OP.

Of course it’s not going to be easy for them to come down to help 2-3 days a month, if they can’t even stay with you.

They’d be paying for a hotel, and then not even in the house to be hands-on helping for much of the time.

I thought I’d read several threads about this situation before.

op- they don’t want to help. Let it go.
We have two children and our eldest has SEN too. My parents are local but not in great health, and dh’s parents moved further away from us after dc 2 was born. They complain about not seeing us but only visit us once a year for 1 day. 😬
I’ve given up expecting any sort of support from them, it’s their choice to not be very involved.

Sorry to hear you're struggling but you sound like a whiny sorrowful victim

The amount of posts i read where people are upset to not have family support and the kids have special needs and both parents have mental health problems

I know venting helps and everyone piling on in support must make you feel better, but this is at least the sixth or seventh time you've posted about your PIL, MakeMineATea. Different user name but everything about your OP is instantly recognisable.

I say this kindly, but your anger towards them for daring to move to a new area in pursuit of the retirement life they always wanted is becoming so consuming that I really do think you should seek counselling.

Many people feel like they have actually done good by offering.

It needs to come through that they have done nothing except talk.

I can't believe some of the replies on here to be honest. I have a child with ADHD and ASD and another one with ADHD. It's exhausting. You can't just get babysitters for kids like this.

I think there are 2 problems:

1. Your in laws are flakey and make false promises. They are unable or unwilling to help. Maybe it's all too much, maybe they are selfish. There is not a great deal you can do about this though I can see why you're upset.

1. You and your husband have mental and physical health problems and you need more support. Have you asked social services, NAS or your CPN for referrals? Are there any groups in your area for families with kids with ALN? Do you get DLA for your son?

I would focus on getting more support for your family. You are in a tough situation.

@Inkpotlover

And??

Problem in laws can cause families to split up. Arnt people allowed to post as many times as they need about problems they have?

How is it your business? Why mention this?
How is it helpful.

I've posted for over a decade about my pils because I've never known anything like it and each time I've posted on different issues and worked through the problems.

I don't think without the support I had here I would still be married to be honest.

This says to me that you

a) need to apply for DLA for your child if you haven't already.

b) need to seek respite through your local coh cil for your SEN child. This is hard fought I'm aware - but it will give you some consistency of support. It will take a while to get into place so the sooner you start... if you have any support eith your own me tal health you could ask them to help you get respite for the eldest child. Hopefully then you will be better able to cope with the younger one(s) and maybe find a standard babysitter for them.

Did you eldest child go to nursery? If the do/did ask there.. many nursery staff do some babysitting out of hours. That would be someone familiar with your DSs needs. (Then if the above cones off you can perhaps seek direct payments to keep them going - but I do think respite would suit you better if you can get it!)

Parenting SN children is rough OP - but I don't think your inlaws are the answer. They will just co tinue to let you and your kids down. Best bet is to ignore them. When your MiL visits next week if it's inconvenient for you just say so. Sorry that doesn't work for us.