To think this is bats**t crazy? Don’t know what to do

[Puddingypops]

My DS is 14 and in year 9, his girlfriend from school is 13 and in year 8, they were born in the same year (2009) and there is 7 months age gap between them. She is also FAR more mature than my son, because she’s a girl!

apparently if now you go out with someone in the year below you are a none and pe*o and every other foul name under the son.

my lad is getting the most vile abuse at school but I don’t even know what to do because it’s everyone, in every year group and it’s constant, being shouted at in corridors, voice messages to his phone saying he’s weird and should be locked up, people approaching him at school and saying what he is doing is wrong.

I checked with other kids in other schools and it’s true there too?!?!? When the hell did this happen? When I was at school girls went out with boys in the year above!

Ive spoken to my lad about what he wants to do because he can’t stand the bullying, he’s gone from being really popular to a total pariah in 3 months.

He turned 14 a week ago, of course he’s not a little boy which is why I’m able to speak to him about sex and the dangers of these things in people too young to cope with the psychological impact and also consent and how a girl may consent but not mean it or withdraw it at the time or later.

do you mean about him crying? He is a very sensitive boy.

they wanted to be BF and GF, no I’m absolutely not one of those mums but I do know some lol.

I do think that at this age it’s natural to start exploring relationships but that there must be boundaries and keeping things at a friendship with hand holding maybe kissing etc but more importantly being special to someone and making someone feel special in your life and that seems to be what they enjoy about their young relationship.

I wouldn’t ever ban him from having a GF if he and a girl wanted to do that, we can only guide can’t we?

Yes, I agree.

There's clearly nothing wrong with OP's son 'dating' a girl who is 7 months younger than him. From what OP has said, it seems he's being bullied, and I hope you go to the school and can make some headway getting it sorted.

But I'm confused by all the other posters who seemed horrified by the idea that kids today are preferring to date people their own age.

If it's the alternative to the normalisation of girls being prayed on by older men and boys, is it really that bad? I'm struggling to see why people think society is going to the dogs because 15 year olds want to date fellow 15 year olds.

I still think you're being very naive. Telling him he is too young for sex won't mean anything when his body and brain is telling him he is. You're expecting a lot of sense and maturity from a young boy with hormones. It's clear you trust him, which is nice, but that's a huge risk. He's surrounded by other people his age maturing and going through stuff, and he's being exposed to it. It's a difficult age for him. His mum is telling him one thing, and all his friends are telling him something else. He obviously cares about what other people think, so it's natural then that he is going to give in to peer pressure on some of it. I think you need to remind yourself that other teens are not like your son.

Absolutely, I agree, i remember being at school and knowing some kids were doing stuff at 14, in fact I remember my first boyfriend who I lost my virginity to was 18 and I was 16. When we broke up he started going out with a 14 year old from my school and that was totally outrageous looking back.

I do trust him you’re right but more than that I know him, I know his fears about breaking rules right from being a baby he has been a child who conform to the rules, for example a bouncy slide when he was 6, 2 goes down the slide for £1 after 2 goes the man who runs it and myself saying, there’s no one waiting go ahead and go on a third time, no way! It’s 2 goes for £1 it’s against the rules!

He’s not ND and I know that is fading somewhat but his absolute closest group of friends are all square (like he would be seen as) and not into anything like trying a vape or alcohol or anything like that when LOADS of other kids are well into it.

do I worry there might be some 2nd base stuff coming up? Yep I absolutely do worry about that, I live in a flat and I can see his room from where I sit so I can see them both if it’s just the 2 of them, not always when there’s the whole group but I’m hoping no petting will be happening when there’s a group of kids!

Thats me you’ve part quoted. But that’s not the case here is it? They’re both in high school and there’s a 7 month ( I think, not scrolling back to check) age difference. That’s nothing at all. And tbh if they were in middle and high but with that age difference I wouldn’t think anything of it. I would with a 2 year difference but not within a year.

Friendship yes, relationship at that age still wrong.

If they are spending time together with no sexual contact then essentially its a friendship thats all and that's fine.

But otherwise no never.

It means different schools in many places of the country. The difference between a middle and high school is enormous.

What if both kids are homeschooled

I don't think this is a universal thing across the country. The teens I work with dates other year groups.

I'd handle it like any other incident of bullying and expect the school to take action.

But it doesn’t in this case. So that’s not applicable. It’s a 7 month age difference. What is the problem?

Anyway back to the point. OP the bullying is unacceptable and the school need to deal with it.

Yes this is a thing right into the mid twenties now. The new Puritanism. It's bloody weird. Kids self policing their own emerging sexuality. Totally the opposite of the embrace your sexuality thing around pride/trans that's also going on in schools. Quite perplexing.

No, they're not in two different schools but I suspect it explains why they're reacting the way they are. In many parts of the country, middle schools are still a "thing" - so even if you don't attend one, you know people who do. Even in high school, Year 7/8 also often attend a different part of the school to Y9-Y11 which also highlights the differences between them - in our local school (for example) they have different assemblies, different lunch/breaks, even different finishing times.

I agree that (rationally) it doesn't make much sense when they're only seven months apart, but when I was growing up there really was a huge difference between middle school and high school - we all grew up a LOT in year 9 and the age gaps between the year groups became very obvious.

I'm not saying the way the DS has been treated is okay but I do see where the "ick" factor amongst other pupils is coming from.

I'd take it up with the school. Neither your son or the girl should be facing such comments on the school premises.

There are no middle schools around here at all, and when I was at school lower site was 7,8 and 9 and upper site was 10 and 11

Thank you for explaining. I guess it’s just always been very normal here for students to date from other year groups. The only time I can think of one of my dc finding it awful was a sixth form, very definitely sexually actively boy dating a yr 9 girl. I think the school got involved in that one.

I agree about the new Puritanism and creeping infantilisation of young people.

I teach sixth formers. Now, when I, and my colleagues, were in sixth form we considered ourselves - and were largely treated as - young adults. It was something you aspired towards and longed for! We started to come and go as we pleased, stay out at night, get drunk (!), have relationships, and all the small, enjoyable rebellions that marked you out as a growing young person.

However, my sixth formers largely consider themselves children and expect to be treated as such. It doesn’t infuriate them as it would have done us - they like it! They like to be given strict rules, kept behind to do missed work (can you IMAGINE wanting to do this in sixth form? But my classes prefer me to timetable them in for extra sessions rather than just do the work at home on their own time!). They don’t want to finish y13 early and were miffed to find they’ll be done by June (“you just want to get rid of us” - er, yeah!). Most of them don’t want to go to university or leave home. They don’t date much - I only know one couple in all my classes which is very unusual. They don’t go out very much.

We study Trainspotting in Film Studies and for them, far and away the worst thing that Renton does - never mind lying, stealing from his parents, overdosing on heroin etc - is date Diane, who is still at school. Even though a) he’s meant to be someone who makes questionable decisions anyway so it’s not portrayed as admirable and b) she approaches him, is happy and fully consenting throughout, and holds most of the power in the relationship. They cannot get past the age gap. It’s completely black and white to them. The worst crime of all.

It is odd, identify as a furry and wear a fake tail for a year. Totally acceptable

Go out with someone 7 months younger than you, totally unacceptable and weird

I wonder how many of them will cope when they become adults

To be fair Renton is around 24 so as she’s about 14 even I’m with them on that one hahahaha

but it does illustrate the point, along with all the other terrible things he does and choices he makes, the age thing. I had no idea.

It's not entirely perplexing. The free expression of sexuality you're talking about is often identity-based, not about activity.

These kids have grown up hearing important things about CSA, consent, and boundaries, as well as public stories about grooming and structural or institutional abuse. This makes them aware.

They've also grown up in a world in which a tiny tiny mistake (not, obviously, talking about the important things just listed) can be magnified and follow them around -- there is no escaping the digital world, no home-as-a-respite-from-school. This makes them afraid.

And they've grown up in a world where people are batshit crazy hysterical and have latched on to the very real problems outlined above as the ultimate insult, and do things like pizzagate and QAnon and all sorts of conspiracy-minded lunacy. Most kids don't believe this, but they're also very aware of the power of this particular insult. This (can) make them paranoid.

So I'm not surprised that, for both good reasons and bad, they're policing their sexual activity boundaries super strictly.

Yeah I’m not anti trans (I am GC) but there are 5 boys FIVE from his primary year who now identify as female and wear girls uniform to school, and called by new names, that is completely fine and normal and no one would dare question it but date someone 7 months younger? NONCE PEADO CRIMINAL PREDATOR.

It does make me wonder if all the sex Ed stuff they are being taught, the gender stuff, furries as pp mentions etc etc is actually doing a good job of putting them all off sex and relationships at their young age. Even 5 years ago it was quite normal in ds year for relationships at 13/14 but maybe that is changing?

Cross posted. That makes it even stranger @Puddingypops .

I’m not pro-Renton per se but that fact that they can forgive every single thing he does EXCEPT that is mind-boggling! Steal from your mates, watch someone beat a total stranger up and steal their stuff, basically kill a friend by giving them drugs - all fine and dandy.

Again, that's about identity, not activity.