Page 7 | To think this is bats**t crazy? Don’t know what to do

Puddingypops · 2023-03-05T09:28:02+00:00

My DS is 14 and in year 9, his girlfriend from school is 13 and in year 8, they were born in the same year (2009) and there is 7 months age gap between them. She is also FAR more mature than my son, because she’s a girl! apparently if now you go out with someone in the year below you are a non*e and pe**o and every other foul name under the son. my lad is getting the most vile abuse at school but I don’t even know what to do because it’s everyone, in every year group and it’s constant, being shouted at in corridors, voice messages to his phone saying he’s weird and should be locked up, people approaching him at school and saying what he is doing is wrong. I checked with other kids in other schools and it’s true there too?!?!? When the hell did this happen? When I was at school girls went out with boys in the year above! Ive spoken to my lad about what he wants to do because he can’t stand the bullying, he’s gone from being really popular to a total pariah in 3 months.

sealon82 · 05/03/2023 13:28

This happened to my son, snogged a girl in the year below. I found about it when he asked me if he'd broken the law. I was so upset. He's 20 now so was a while ago.

Boomboom22 · 05/03/2023 13:35

School year is more relevant than age as they have had appropriate teaching in pshe etc. Yr8 are not usually in relationships that would lead to a first kiss, apart from in poorer areas or more vulnerable areas. Different schools are vastly different. Many schools first relationships are yr11 and 12.

More middle class areas and posters in that world will be utterly shocked at how blasé pp are about a yr8 being in the bedroom of a 14yr old boy and the mum thinking it's fine to kiss and be in a relationship.

Remember some parents don't let their sixth formers out on their own let alone have bf. Some parents keep their kids home for uni or make them call them when they get home even if they live away.

I do think it's too young to label as a relationship and yr8 especially.

Takoneko · 05/03/2023 13:40

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the age gap described in the OP, or with children that age dating. That is developmentally normal behaviour for two young people at a very similar developmental stage.

However, there is a huge issue with the underlying assumption that girls are inherently more “mature” than boys of the same age. It’s an attitude that has a hugely pernicious impact on safeguarding teenage girls. A year 8 girl who vapes and drinks alcohol is vulnerable. That sort of risk-taking behaviour and presenting as “older” or “more mature” puts young girls at increased risk and needs to be seen as a risk factor rather than a sign of maturity.

SlightlyJaded · 05/03/2023 13:51

This post has taken a lot of wild turns and tangents, but the bottom line (imo) is that this 'relationship' is completely normal and your DS is being bullied.

At our local schools (West/SW London) no thought is given to such a small age gap in either direction. DD (17) has a boyfriend of 18 at the moment. So is she a 'child' dating an 'adult'? There are 6 months between them....

OP - talk to the school and perhaps help your DS and his friend find some words of phrases that will help them deal with anything on the spot. Is she getting bulled too?

Somanyquestionstoaskaboutthis · 05/03/2023 13:55

This is mad. My dd was born at the end of August. Her boyfriend from yr 9- yr 12 had an early September birthday. They were in the same year but he was 11+ months older than her. So everyone is saying that is fine because they’re in the same year group, but that if they were in different year groups a much smaller age gap wouldn’t be acceptable? How on earth is that logical?

OP I think you need to take it up with the school. It is totally unacceptable behaviour from the other students. I wouldn’t go behind his back though, you’ll need to find a way of him agreeing to it. Would his dad get further if they are very close.

The posters saying it’s gross, that they shouldn’t have boy/girlfriends at that age and definitely not in different year groups - do you have teenagers or older? If not I’m guessing you’ll probably see things differently when you do, but if you have we just parent differently.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 14:01

Thankyou to all the posters who have been very supportive it’s really helpful x

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 05/03/2023 14:06

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Goosebarnacle · 05/03/2023 14:07

DD has had this. She's in sixth form and is a summer baby, so young in her year anyway. Someone she briefly dated was only 3mths younger and also in sixth form, but in the year below. She was called a paedo, school treated it as a joke, they actually split up as she was so upset by it. This was bloody sixth form too, you'd think by that age they'd have grown up a little.

Somanyquestionstoaskaboutthis · 05/03/2023 14:09

PaigeMatthews · 05/03/2023 10:32

I would not be happy at all about my yr 8 dd ‘dating‘ a year 9 boy. It doesnt matter how much the age difference is when they are out of the school system, in the school system he is a year ahead.

you just cannot justify age gaps in school in the same way you would the world beyond that. Even one week end of august to the beginning of september still means they older is a year ahead, not a week older.

sixth formers dating 15 year olds is a problem due to the age of consent. If it is a sexual relationship it is a problem.

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I’m confused by this Paige, can you explain what the difference is between school years that makes you feel like this? To me it’s no different to being in different forms with the same age difference?

PelicanWings · 05/03/2023 14:12

NEmama · 05/03/2023 09:42

I had a y11 boyfriend in y9. Nothing was said.
Tbf we were at it

Grim

WonderingWanda · 05/03/2023 14:32

You need to go to the school. This is bullying. Teenagers will always say they don't want you to tell the school. He has two choices, put up with it or go and get it stopped.

Quveas · 05/03/2023 14:34

RandomMess · 05/03/2023 09:49

I agree it's a widespread thing.

My DDs all think going out with a boy 2 years older than them in their late teens is "wrong" then my youngest wonders why her boyfriends are so bloody immature

Dear God, when did this all happen? I have only ever really known / experienced girls aiming to catch a boyfriend a year or two older! It always used to be the norm. We are creating a strange society if this is how children now view relationships growing up.

BadNomad · 05/03/2023 14:35

I think you are being a bit naive about the sexual side of this. These aren't two pre-school kids playing at being mummy and daddy. These are two teenagers, with hormones, doing what human beings were made to do. They are biologically driven to bond and mate. So don't think just because you see them as little children still, that their bodies and brains agree. The girl is already doing things beyond what a child does (drinking and vaping). The difference between friendship and a relationship is intimacy. That's not to say they are having sex (yet), but this is not some little innocent platonic friendship.

As for the bullying, that's wrong, and I'm sad for your son. I doubt there is much the school can do about it. It sounds like your son knew people had this kind of attitude? Why did he decide to pursue a relationship with this girl?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 05/03/2023 14:38

This is mad. My dd was born at the end of August. Her boyfriend from yr 9- yr 12 had an early September birthday. They were in the same year but he was 11+ months older than her. So everyone is saying that is fine because they’re in the same year group, but that if they were in different year groups a much smaller age gap wouldn’t be acceptable? How on earth is that logical?

As people have said, in many areas Year 8 students are still in middle school.

If your DD was a middle school student, would you really be happy with her going out with a boy from the local high school?

JazbayGrapes · 05/03/2023 14:42

Dear God, when did this all happen? I have only ever really known / experienced girls aiming to catch a boyfriend a year or two older! It always used to be the norm. We are creating a strange society if this is how children now view relationships growing up.

Back in "our day" it was the norm. Also the norm was covering up child abuse, and grown men taking advantage of teenage girls. Now the pendulum has swung.
In OP's case i suspect there must be some school drama involved, like other kids might be jealous and stirring up shit.

AmeliaEarhart · 05/03/2023 14:43

I hate this casual throwing around if the words “pedo” and “nonce”. How distressing it must be for victims of actual CSA to have their trauma equated with a couple of young teenagers holding hands. It staggers me that the kids using these words in this situation actually think they have a moral high ground.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 14:45

BadNomad · 05/03/2023 14:35

I think you are being a bit naive about the sexual side of this. These aren't two pre-school kids playing at being mummy and daddy. These are two teenagers, with hormones, doing what human beings were made to do. They are biologically driven to bond and mate. So don't think just because you see them as little children still, that their bodies and brains agree. The girl is already doing things beyond what a child does (drinking and vaping). The difference between friendship and a relationship is intimacy. That's not to say they are having sex (yet), but this is not some little innocent platonic friendship.

As for the bullying, that's wrong, and I'm sad for your son. I doubt there is much the school can do about it. It sounds like your son knew people had this kind of attitude? Why did he decide to pursue a relationship with this girl?

As it’s only been close to 3 months and most of the time they are in a large group of friends (mixed year 8 and year 9) I don’t think it’s progressed but of course I have spoken to him about what is appropriate for his age.

an acquaintance, (a year 9 boy who likes to try and show off to people) tried to get him to watch porn last month, he invites people back to his house and has the basement to himself and puts on porn but my son and his best mate didn’t know that part.

they left when this boy loaded up porn hub and my son came home and cried to me about it.

he knows he’s not old enough for a sexual relationship and I’ve also made sure he understands that for a boy he must never ever do anything even with consent because he could be accused of consent not being given.

I’ve explained the dangers of sexual relationships to him, to a girl and to their developing brains and approaching things like sex when he is older and equipped to deal with it.

i also check his phone whenever I want to, that’s the deal if I ask he hands it over. (I don’t do it all the time and a lot of the time I’ll ask and not look).

he decided to pursue the relationship because they like each other so much, he is extremely good looking and so is she, so obviously they fancied each other but the bigger thing is that they share and excel at a common interest, think along the lines of ballroom dancing, had recently been partnered in a huge event and spent lots and lots of time training together, they also continue to do this hobby together.

OP posts:

Fairislefandango · 05/03/2023 14:47

School year is more relevant than age as they have had appropriate teaching in pshe etc.

Seriously?! Kids' maturity is not based on what they have learned in PSHE! They don't wait until something's come up in PSHE and then decide to move onto the next developmental stage. PSHE is seenas boring, patronising and a waste if time by most students.

I've been a teacher for a looong time, and have taught plenty of year 8s who are more mature than many year 9s. I also have a dd with a late August birthday who is dating someone the year above her (though admittedly dd is 17).

user1492757084 · 05/03/2023 14:50

You do need to address this with school. If it is happening with everyone like you say ,how would kids know it was about him?
An authoritive teacher/person at school needs to call it out as bullying and unacceptable ASAP.
That said, your son and his girlfriend should try not to be too demonstative at school. It is unprofessional in an office and classroom. Being respectful and friendly at school won't be uncomfortable for their classmates. This is just my personal opinion. It allows space for other friends to still be close - it is healthiest for teenagers to have groups of friends.

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 14:53

user1492757084 · 05/03/2023 14:50

You do need to address this with school. If it is happening with everyone like you say ,how would kids know it was about him?
An authoritive teacher/person at school needs to call it out as bullying and unacceptable ASAP.
That said, your son and his girlfriend should try not to be too demonstative at school. It is unprofessional in an office and classroom. Being respectful and friendly at school won't be uncomfortable for their classmates. This is just my personal opinion. It allows space for other friends to still be close - it is healthiest for teenagers to have groups of friends.

Because he’s the only one going out with someone in the year below, that we are aware of, oh apart from it’s ok if you’re gay, same sex relationships are ok across year groups.

OP posts:

Original poster

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 14:54

user1492757084 · 05/03/2023 14:50

You do need to address this with school. If it is happening with everyone like you say ,how would kids know it was about him?
An authoritive teacher/person at school needs to call it out as bullying and unacceptable ASAP.
That said, your son and his girlfriend should try not to be too demonstative at school. It is unprofessional in an office and classroom. Being respectful and friendly at school won't be uncomfortable for their classmates. This is just my personal opinion. It allows space for other friends to still be close - it is healthiest for teenagers to have groups of friends.

Also it’s actually taken 3 months for it to get around the school, they were keeping it quiet, just holding hands etc out of school but word has got around now.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 05/03/2023 14:59

Er most teenagers and even younger kids nowadays incorrectly use nonce as a form of verbal abuse! It's the newer version of using gay as an insult.
In fact, I live near a park and there was a little fucker there the other day screaming and shouting and calling other kids fucking nonce, fucking paedo etc. and when I looked out the window to see who the hell was going on like that, he couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 himself and he was shouting this at kids younger than him when playing football!🙄

Of course it is not acceptable, but I am really surprised how many of you comenting don't appear to know this language is unfortunately normal in that age group!

NevieSticks · 05/03/2023 15:03

Puddingypops · 05/03/2023 14:45

As it’s only been close to 3 months and most of the time they are in a large group of friends (mixed year 8 and year 9) I don’t think it’s progressed but of course I have spoken to him about what is appropriate for his age.

an acquaintance, (a year 9 boy who likes to try and show off to people) tried to get him to watch porn last month, he invites people back to his house and has the basement to himself and puts on porn but my son and his best mate didn’t know that part.

they left when this boy loaded up porn hub and my son came home and cried to me about it.

he knows he’s not old enough for a sexual relationship and I’ve also made sure he understands that for a boy he must never ever do anything even with consent because he could be accused of consent not being given.

I’ve explained the dangers of sexual relationships to him, to a girl and to their developing brains and approaching things like sex when he is older and equipped to deal with it.

i also check his phone whenever I want to, that’s the deal if I ask he hands it over. (I don’t do it all the time and a lot of the time I’ll ask and not look).

he decided to pursue the relationship because they like each other so much, he is extremely good looking and so is she, so obviously they fancied each other but the bigger thing is that they share and excel at a common interest, think along the lines of ballroom dancing, had recently been partnered in a huge event and spent lots and lots of time training together, they also continue to do this hobby together.

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Your post is a bit confusing as you talk about him as if he is a little boy . You said he is "not old enough for a sexual relationship" so I don't even know why it had to be named as bf and gf esp when they have this common interest. TBH if he were my son at this age I wouldn't be encouraging him to have a "gf" at all but that's just me. I know there are mothers out there who delight in their sons having GFs - not saying that is you at all - and I wonder where their minds are!

BellePeppa · 05/03/2023 15:03

Quveas · 05/03/2023 14:34

Dear God, when did this all happen? I have only ever really known / experienced girls aiming to catch a boyfriend a year or two older! It always used to be the norm. We are creating a strange society if this is how children now view relationships growing up.

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It is very strange indeed. Are people only going to be happy when they have the same birthdate and year (let’s hope there’s not too many hours difference between them). Where did this oddity spring from? I’m glad my kids didn’t date at school and waited till college so we didn’t have to deal with this. My son was aghast when his cousin was twenty and dating a seventeen year old, I honestly did not (and do not) see a problem in that.

WiIson · 05/03/2023 15:10

That's weird. I was thinking about this recently as dd has a bf in the same year as her, which would not have been the norm when I was at school. Girls always went out with boys a year or two older, probably because of the maturity thing.