Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to keep it down in a restaurant.

479 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 05/03/2023 08:12

Pretty mortified tbh but I don’t think this was right or fair.

We were a family group of 9 on a large table celebrating a birthday. It was a very ‘naice‘ restaurant (£30 main courses type of place) but the music was really loud. We were probably quite noisy but not obnoxiously so, we were laughing at childhood stories. Not swearing or shouting or chucking food or arguing.

In the middle of our main courses a waiter came over and asked us to please keep it down as another table had complained.

It really put a shadow over the whole thing. We go out as a family a few times a year and have NEVER been asked to be quiet or had any kind of complaint so I am fairly confident we weren’t actually arseholes. It was a large table so we weren’t whispering to each other, but equally not yelling. Although the music got really loud as the evening went on so we probably were ‘loud’ but only so we could converse.

I have worked in hospitality for many years and I just wouldn’t have had this conversation as a waiter unless someone was really disturbing other guests. I’d have nodded and smiled at the complainers and given them a free drink.

So, oh wise Mners. YABU you lot were clearly obnoxious arseholes who should have been thrown out. Or YANBU this was an odd thing to tell a large party in a busy and very loud restaurant.

OP posts:
CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 10:39

It's a public place and TBH 30 quid per main course is not so pricey that you can expect hushed tones and obsequious waiters. If they didn't like the noise, they can ask to move.

If I were you, I'd have stood and said clearly "It's Frank and Benny's, not the Ritz: If you can't afford to avoid us, you'll have to put up with us"

Anyone who complains about a family celebration being noisy is bitter and nasty.

nooschmoo · 05/03/2023 10:40

Similar happened to me & a group of friends-about 9 of us-at pizza express. It was around 7ish, place was busy, lots of children, music playing , another big table with a birthday party going on- we were talking loudly because of the background noise & we got asked to be quiet as another table had complained. The waitress, bless her, was young & mortified by having to ask; one of our group asked to speak to the manager & pointed out all the background noise & insisted we were no louder than any other table & probably quieter than the birthday table of about 20 people. It did put a dampener on the evening-we just finished our food & left, didn't order any more dtinks or desserts & none of us have ever been back to a pizza express. 5 years later & we're still all indignant about being told to use our 'indoor voices please' 😂

Guis23 · 05/03/2023 10:41

Anyone saying other people should put up with it is not being reasonable.

Music is fine and stops the place becoming some sort of hushed place where everyone listens to conversations of other people.

If you can seriously hear people above that ( and having experienced it) and am part of a family who can behave as such you have to reflect and realise how loud you can be. And that the restaurant is not there just for you.

pattihews · 05/03/2023 10:41

EmpressOfTheSofa · 05/03/2023 08:12

Pretty mortified tbh but I don’t think this was right or fair.

We were a family group of 9 on a large table celebrating a birthday. It was a very ‘naice‘ restaurant (£30 main courses type of place) but the music was really loud. We were probably quite noisy but not obnoxiously so, we were laughing at childhood stories. Not swearing or shouting or chucking food or arguing.

In the middle of our main courses a waiter came over and asked us to please keep it down as another table had complained.

It really put a shadow over the whole thing. We go out as a family a few times a year and have NEVER been asked to be quiet or had any kind of complaint so I am fairly confident we weren’t actually arseholes. It was a large table so we weren’t whispering to each other, but equally not yelling. Although the music got really loud as the evening went on so we probably were ‘loud’ but only so we could converse.

I have worked in hospitality for many years and I just wouldn’t have had this conversation as a waiter unless someone was really disturbing other guests. I’d have nodded and smiled at the complainers and given them a free drink.

So, oh wise Mners. YABU you lot were clearly obnoxious arseholes who should have been thrown out. Or YANBU this was an odd thing to tell a large party in a busy and very loud restaurant.

The six people having a great time and screaming with laughter at the table next to us the other night were also surprised when they were asked to keep the noise down. For the first time in my life I experienced not being able to hear myself speak. We were sitting next to a window and the sound made by the other group was coming across us deafeningly, then hitting the window and sort of bouncing back on us. It was so loud and so all-enveloping that my friend had to go outside to get herself together: she said she felt it might make her pass out and I know what she meant. It was like torture.

You go to a more expensive restaurant to avoid situations like that. They are generally quieter. You were a party of nine. I bet you were really noisy. Just accept it and go to a pub next time.

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 10:45

If it’s the sort of place with loud music then they’d be used to loud talking. I suspect for the waiter to act you were much louder than you realise.

your comment on “not drunkenness particularly” tells me you were maybe a little tipsy and had a few and when that happens you were likely getting louder than uou realised.

im not sure why you’re reacting as you are, and refusing to accept you were disturbing other diners . You’re behaving like a surly child upset at getting a telling off. Rather than a mature adult accepting you may have been disturbing others . And now you’re even hinting at a spiteful Bad review

LolaMoon · 05/03/2023 10:48

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 10:45

If it’s the sort of place with loud music then they’d be used to loud talking. I suspect for the waiter to act you were much louder than you realise.

your comment on “not drunkenness particularly” tells me you were maybe a little tipsy and had a few and when that happens you were likely getting louder than uou realised.

im not sure why you’re reacting as you are, and refusing to accept you were disturbing other diners . You’re behaving like a surly child upset at getting a telling off. Rather than a mature adult accepting you may have been disturbing others . And now you’re even hinting at a spiteful Bad review

I agree. 9 adults all drinking likely WERE very loud but its a bit odd you cant just take this on the chin and admit it. Clearly you were being loud if you were asked to tone it down by a waiter. Noone expects complete silence in a restaurant but I think people genuinely dont realise how loud and obnoxious they sound after a few drinks- if you dont believe it, go out sober and you'll notice it very quickly.

theworldhas · 05/03/2023 10:50

It’s weird to have really loud music in an upmarket sort of restaurant. One of things I liked living in China was the separate rooms most restaurants decent have. So good for larger groups and you can just do your thing - often leads to more enjoyable evenings not needing to worry about noise levels, kids wondering about, and also people can even swap places and chat to others at different points during the meal.

Glitteratitar · 05/03/2023 10:52

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 10:39

It's a public place and TBH 30 quid per main course is not so pricey that you can expect hushed tones and obsequious waiters. If they didn't like the noise, they can ask to move.

If I were you, I'd have stood and said clearly "It's Frank and Benny's, not the Ritz: If you can't afford to avoid us, you'll have to put up with us"

Anyone who complains about a family celebration being noisy is bitter and nasty.

😂😂😂

Lol ok.

furryfrontbottom · 05/03/2023 10:56

Most noisy people simply don't have any idea how noisy they are. I think the 'noisy' gene tends to run alongside the 'unobservant' and 'socially unaware' genes.

Maverickess · 05/03/2023 10:59

Daffodilsandbeer · 05/03/2023 10:45

If it’s the sort of place with loud music then they’d be used to loud talking. I suspect for the waiter to act you were much louder than you realise.

your comment on “not drunkenness particularly” tells me you were maybe a little tipsy and had a few and when that happens you were likely getting louder than uou realised.

im not sure why you’re reacting as you are, and refusing to accept you were disturbing other diners . You’re behaving like a surly child upset at getting a telling off. Rather than a mature adult accepting you may have been disturbing others . And now you’re even hinting at a spiteful Bad review

And that bad review will probably be right above the bad review from the people who were disturbed by the OPs group.
Because the customer is always right, therefore in an instance like this where there are customers with opposing views, both determined they're right, it's usually the restaurant/staff that take the shit for it and the business that gets the shitty reviews and may well suffer for it.

This is a classic example of people 'paying good money' and failing to realise they're not the only ones doing so and that they are expected to show some consideration towards others, and then get all offended and have their 'night ruined' by the realisation that the world doesn't revolve around them.

outwiththeoldinwiththenewish · 05/03/2023 11:00

FlamingoQueen · 05/03/2023 10:36

Was it somewhere like The Ivy? My dh and I went to one (not the London one) a few years ago for an evening meal. The music was SO loud that you couldn’t hear what the other person was saying! If we’d have been out with a larger group we’d have all been talking loudly. Not what I expected from them - music is fine at a certain level, but was on par with a club not 7pm!

The Brighton one maybe? Jeez I couldn't bare it in there - literally couldn't hear the person sitting next to me.

Barbecuebeans · 05/03/2023 11:09

Vallmo47 · 05/03/2023 08:20

I agree with previous poster, we weren’t there so it’s impossible to judge really. But in my experience people never think they are as loud as they actually are, because you’re all enjoying each other’s company and out for a laugh in a group setting. I’ve waitressed before as well and there is usually some degree of “loud” going on. As a waitress I would have offered to move the other table as that’s a lot easier, but maybe they were fully booked so had no option but to ask you all to keep it down a bit. I doubt someone would have complained to the point the waiter agreed and asked you to keep it down, had you not been loud. If the music was getting that loud, maybe you could have asked them to turn that down so you could have a quieter conversation?

This.

No one ever thinks they're the obnoxious ones.

surreygirl1987 · 05/03/2023 11:15

But if someone combined you must have been really loud. I can't stand big loud groups in restaurants - I find it really rude and annoying. I've never actually complained but if it was really bad I would. If you're disturbing other diners then YABU to be annoyed. They are paying for their expensive meals as well...!
Mind you the loud music would also irritate me. If you found it a problem, did you not think to say something?

surreygirl1987 · 05/03/2023 11:15

No one ever thinks they're the obnoxious ones.

Exactly.

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:24

You were being loud and disturbing other customers.

If someone told me I was being loud I would have apologised and just tried to keep the volume down.

If you are a big group you are going to be much louder than the average couple or small group and you aren’t necessarily going to realise how loud you are.

I went out with a large group of work colleagues and we were all chatting across the table and laughing.
I went to the loo and could hear our table from downstairs. And I realised that everyone else was so quiet that you could barely hear them because they were couples or very small groups.
This was in weatherspoons and not a posh place and I can imagine we’d have definitely got complaints if it was.

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:25

I also find it odd to complain about the loud music after the event.
Could you not have asked for it to be turned down a bit at the time?

ancientgran · 05/03/2023 11:25

In the middle of our main courses a waiter came over and asked us to please keep it down as another table had complained.

being told off for the noise.

So did he ask you to please keep it down or did he tell you off?

I’m not saying we weren’t loud. Well that's why he asked you to keep it down.

But as a restaurant manager if I’d had a couple complain about the noise, unless the party were out of order I would have appeased or moved the couple rather than disturb the party. So presumably he thought you were out of order.

I can see it smarts to realise you were annoying people and that they complained about you, it is easy to get loud when you are in a group but it is very annoying to sit in a restaurant that is dominated by a noisy group. I think you just have to accept you annoyed people, you didn't mean to, you weren't being nasty but other people have a right to enjoy their meal without listening to your funny stories.

RedCarsGoFaster · 05/03/2023 11:27

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 10:39

It's a public place and TBH 30 quid per main course is not so pricey that you can expect hushed tones and obsequious waiters. If they didn't like the noise, they can ask to move.

If I were you, I'd have stood and said clearly "It's Frank and Benny's, not the Ritz: If you can't afford to avoid us, you'll have to put up with us"

Anyone who complains about a family celebration being noisy is bitter and nasty.

And then the whole restaurant would have clapped, the Maitre D would have comped you the meal and the chef cried with pride that someone defended his vision for the food.

🙄

Uhave2changethings · 05/03/2023 11:28

OP, were you suggesting earlier that because you were a large group of 9 and therefore spending more, you had more rights than a couple dining in the same space? They should just put up with anything? It's a bit like saying "we were here first". In a shared public space you need to consider others and that doesn't mean being as quiet as mice but just keeping it down a bit, you hadn't hired the whole place. How about private dining, a pub or just eating earlier?

CementTrucker · 05/03/2023 11:29

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2023 09:14

It amazes me when people post on mumsnet this type of stuff as people will tie themselves in knots to put the OP in the wrong. If the OP was ‘Aibu to complain that the table next to me were talking and laughing a bit loudly’ the op would be told they were being a miserable party pooper.

I hope you didn’t leave a tip, we’ve all been in that situation of being near a larger table. Most normal people think ‘how nice they are having such a lovely time’.

Yes, I agree with this. Nobody else was there so we can’t judge. Even if we were, people have vastly different tolerance for noise and expectations about how others should act. But it seems a lot of posters - drawing on their own bad experiences, which or may not resemble what went on with the op - are absolutely convinced that the op was behaving badly. Not possible that the restaurant got it wrong. Or that the complaining diners were being unrealistic and an inexperienced or distracted waiter just passed on the message.

I get fed up with threads where it is assumed the op is lying or misrepresenting what happened. Yes, she may be unaware how loud they got. Or perhaps not.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 11:29

I honestly think it's plain nasty to expect a family celebration to be muted.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 11:30

RedCarsGoFaster · 05/03/2023 11:27

And then the whole restaurant would have clapped, the Maitre D would have comped you the meal and the chef cried with pride that someone defended his vision for the food.

🙄

Show quote history

I like your sass! I would have said that though.

saraclara · 05/03/2023 11:30

If I were you, I'd have stood and said clearly "It's Frank and Benny's, not the Ritz: If you can't afford to avoid us, you'll have to put up with us"

Frankie and Benny's has £30 mains now?

And FFS, you must live a nice a life if you think a place with £30 mains is an equivalent to a F&Bs. I dream of eating somewhere like that. You're very privileged.
Id be gutted if a special meal (for me, at those prices) was ruined by a loud grooup shouting over loud music.

Delatron · 05/03/2023 11:31

God I hate quiet restaurants with no atmosphere and would have no problem with a noisy table. Especially with no swearing etc.

ancientgran · 05/03/2023 11:32

nooschmoo · 05/03/2023 10:40

Similar happened to me & a group of friends-about 9 of us-at pizza express. It was around 7ish, place was busy, lots of children, music playing , another big table with a birthday party going on- we were talking loudly because of the background noise & we got asked to be quiet as another table had complained. The waitress, bless her, was young & mortified by having to ask; one of our group asked to speak to the manager & pointed out all the background noise & insisted we were no louder than any other table & probably quieter than the birthday table of about 20 people. It did put a dampener on the evening-we just finished our food & left, didn't order any more dtinks or desserts & none of us have ever been back to a pizza express. 5 years later & we're still all indignant about being told to use our 'indoor voices please' 😂

So why do you think someone complained about you? It seems odd if other tables were louder than you, was there someone there with a personal vendetta against one of you or have you thought maybe you were being very loud?