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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asked to keep it down in a restaurant.

479 replies

EmpressOfTheSofa · 05/03/2023 08:12

Pretty mortified tbh but I don’t think this was right or fair.

We were a family group of 9 on a large table celebrating a birthday. It was a very ‘naice‘ restaurant (£30 main courses type of place) but the music was really loud. We were probably quite noisy but not obnoxiously so, we were laughing at childhood stories. Not swearing or shouting or chucking food or arguing.

In the middle of our main courses a waiter came over and asked us to please keep it down as another table had complained.

It really put a shadow over the whole thing. We go out as a family a few times a year and have NEVER been asked to be quiet or had any kind of complaint so I am fairly confident we weren’t actually arseholes. It was a large table so we weren’t whispering to each other, but equally not yelling. Although the music got really loud as the evening went on so we probably were ‘loud’ but only so we could converse.

I have worked in hospitality for many years and I just wouldn’t have had this conversation as a waiter unless someone was really disturbing other guests. I’d have nodded and smiled at the complainers and given them a free drink.

So, oh wise Mners. YABU you lot were clearly obnoxious arseholes who should have been thrown out. Or YANBU this was an odd thing to tell a large party in a busy and very loud restaurant.

OP posts:
Delatron · 05/03/2023 11:34

CementTrucker · 05/03/2023 11:29

Yes, I agree with this. Nobody else was there so we can’t judge. Even if we were, people have vastly different tolerance for noise and expectations about how others should act. But it seems a lot of posters - drawing on their own bad experiences, which or may not resemble what went on with the op - are absolutely convinced that the op was behaving badly. Not possible that the restaurant got it wrong. Or that the complaining diners were being unrealistic and an inexperienced or distracted waiter just passed on the message.

I get fed up with threads where it is assumed the op is lying or misrepresenting what happened. Yes, she may be unaware how loud they got. Or perhaps not.

Show quote history

All this - exactly.

It was a family celebration- it’s not going to be really quiet.

None of us know how loud they were so I think posters need to stop projecting and making assumptions.

Xol · 05/03/2023 11:35

I was in a restaurant last week where there was a group of around 5 who seemed to find each hilarious. The laughing was that incredibly loud, shouty type of laughter, it feels almost like they're trying to show off how incredibly humorous they all are.. Although there were only a few of them, it was really intrusive. We didn't complain, but we were really relieved when they left.

I suspect that something similar was happening with your group. No-one minds normal levels of group noise and laughter, but some people don't realise how loud or high-pitched their laugh is, and the decibels tend to go up even further after a glass or two of wine or beer.

Xol · 05/03/2023 11:37

EmpressOfTheSofa · 05/03/2023 08:38

Well tbh I do slightly think that the needs of a large table to be able to converse in a loud restaurant outweigh the needs of a couple to eat dinner in silence.

Which is why I suspect it was a VIP customer as I can’t imagine telling a group to pipe down unless they were being actually obnoxious (swearing/shouting).

If they want a quiet atmosphere then banging dance tunes and large tables aren’t conducive to this.

Don't be silly, no-one would be expecting to eat in silence. But maybe they expected to be able to hear each other talking, and not to have loud intrusive noise on a continuous basis.

Chocolatecoinsba · 05/03/2023 11:38

Expecting a group of 9 to be able to converse with everyone on the table is unrealistic . If you were all talking together then you were almost certainly loud .

Ihavedogs · 05/03/2023 11:42

You don’t have to be arseholes to disturb other dinners.

We were out for a one off occasion to a fairly expensive casual dining sort of place. There was a large table which sounds much like yours. As more time when on, the louder they got. We couldn’t hear ourselves think, let alone hold a conversation. We left it in the hands of the establishment to decide if they were going to move us or deal with the very loud table. We moved to another room and got a hefty discount on our meal, but even so our occasion had been spoilt. We’ve not been back to the same place since.

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:44

I honestly think it's plain nasty to expect a family celebration to be muted.

They weren’t asked to be muted.
Just askew to keep it down a bit so they weren’t shouting so loud that the entire restaurant can hear them.

Leftoverssandwich · 05/03/2023 11:46

Why are people making this some big moral issue? Large group is a bit too noisy, other table ask if they could be asked to keep it down a bit. That’s literally all that happened. No one had any bad intent. OP’s group has taken it very hard though.

Okunevo · 05/03/2023 11:54

Cocobutt · 05/03/2023 11:44

I honestly think it's plain nasty to expect a family celebration to be muted.

They weren’t asked to be muted.
Just askew to keep it down a bit so they weren’t shouting so loud that the entire restaurant can hear them.

Often it's not even the overall noise of loud talking, it's one person with an incredibly loud forced laugh that makes you want to curl up in a dark corner and if they would just stop making that awful noise it would be fine!

Barbie222 · 05/03/2023 12:00

I think you're taking this a bit personally, tbh. If someone has complained, then yes, you were too loud because you were spoiling it for them. Many people don't realise how loud they are to others. I'd just chalk it up to experience and find somewhere where you can hire a more private space next time.

Barbie222 · 05/03/2023 12:01

9 is a difficult size for a group, too - any larger and you wouldn't expect to all be able to follow the same convo. It would split.

Streamside · 05/03/2023 12:13

My friend is from a very large Irish family and the siblings all met up along with some of their partners and children after a family event.
There's 15 siblings so there obviously was a large number of them. The staff in the restaurant phoned the police who arrived while they were having their tea. Staff said they had been too loud and they didn't know if they would pay the bill.Instead of complaining they were all really upset by the incident.
In the op's case I think I'd have asked for the music to be turned down.Eatung out has become so expensive that everyone has high expectations.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/03/2023 12:21

Porridgeislife · 05/03/2023 08:20

Big tables are always louder than couples, it’s the nature of the beast.

You’re not in the wrong, the restaurant should have accommodated in the seating plan or put you in their private dining area.

We’ve had similar in the past where we were marooned on a two person table in the middle of the room up against a 10 person dinner - the restaurant was actually quite huffy when we asked to move, but they were in the wrong, not the big table enjoying their meal.

I agree with this. The restaurant shouldn't have agreed to accommodate your party if they took issue with you all acting like a large party of people would act, in a loud environment.

Or they should have made their expectations abundantly clear for you as a big party.

If it was not made clear that they expect hushed chit chat or that they don't like the activity of large parties of people then they're unreasonable.

Sleepingallday · 05/03/2023 12:23

OP I’m sure if this was the other way around you would be complaining if you were the smaller group and your scenario went down
’we were just a couple and there was a big group making a lot of noise, we asked the waiter to do something but he just smiled and nodded and offered us a free drink while nothing was done about the noise. Larger groups shouldn’t get preferential treatment and we as a couple have just as much right to enjoy our meal and hear each other talk !’

TheFifthTellytubby · 05/03/2023 12:25

dudsville · 05/03/2023 09:41

Eating out is usually awful. There will be music and it will be too loud such that people have to raise their voices, and then it has to go up a notch because everyone is doing it. Last week i was a party of two next to a large family group. Awful. Last month i was with a group of 6 friends and we were seated next to a couple. I cringed for them.

This is so true, I've seen it happen so often! If the initial sound level is high because of loud music, diners have to talk loudly to be heard, especially if they are trying to communicate with someone at the other end of a group table. Then people sitting elsewhere have to raise their voices to be heard over them, and so on. It therefore makes sense to turn the music volume down as the restaurant fills up. Instead, the opposite often happens. Music is great in a restaurant, it can really help the atmosphere, but it really should't be so loud as to drown out conversation. Many restaurants don't seem to realise that people go there with the primary aim of meeting, eating and talking - if they want to listen to music, they can go to a club or a concert.

Teateaandmoretea · 05/03/2023 12:33

OP I’m sure if this was the other way around you would be complaining if you were the smaller group and your scenario went down

And mumsnet would tell her she was being unreasonable 🤣🤣

Well unless it was children making the noise that is.

JudgeRudy · 05/03/2023 12:46

"Which is why I suspect it was a VIP customer as I can’t imagine telling a group to pipe down unless they were being actually obnoxious (swearing/shouting)."

I don't suspect it was a VIP customer at all. It might even have been more than 1 table that complained! I doubt customers complain or staff act on a whim. The general consensuscmust have been you were all too loud. It isn't a stretch of my imagination to think about telling a noisy table to quieten down. Swearing and shouting is one reason, but not the only one. Just being generally loud is another. I went out for a family meal recently. There were 11 of us. I barely had a word with 3 people because we were seated apart. We would not have been able to hear each other....unless we were loud....too loud!
I think this was just the wrong venue for your family on this occasion.

JuliasBiscuit · 05/03/2023 12:53

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

BashfulClam · 05/03/2023 13:31

We went for a meal yesterday, next to us was a table of women who were so loud, shouting instead of talking and one fad a fake forced screechy cackle that actually made me wince. She was very attention seeking and me and DH had to keep asking each other to repeat what we had just said as we couldn’t hear each other over her. It really ruined a nice meal.

Glitteratitar · 05/03/2023 13:33

CinnamonJellyBeans · 05/03/2023 11:29

I honestly think it's plain nasty to expect a family celebration to be muted.

Not a single person has even suggested that...where are you getting this from?!

rookiemere · 05/03/2023 13:37

A lot of restaurants don't have very good acoustics. I stopped going to a wonderful Thai because the bare walls meant that sounds echoed so I could scarcely hear anything.

LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble · 05/03/2023 13:39

MargaretThursday · 05/03/2023 08:17

For the waiter to ask I would expect you were pretty loud.

Are you a loud family? Dh's is and I have sometimes been very aware of how loud they are when we're on a public space. I don't think they have any concept how loud they come across.

My inlaws and some of my friends are like this. It's embarrassing tbh.

Murdoch1949 · 05/03/2023 13:51

Surprised at both the vote and many of the comments. A table of 9 will be louder than a table for 2, obviously. You can't whisper to granny down the other end. You responded to the complaint probably much better than I would have, as it doesn't sound as if you were being raucous. I'd have asked to see the manager to establish the exact nature of the complaint. I may have sent a bottle of wine to the affronted diners to shame them. Saying a party of 9 should not be in a good quality restaurant is ludicrous, I bet the proprietor was over the moon to get your booking. Next time you go out together, check how the restaurant feels about large parties, maybe ask to be put at the end of the room not the middle to avert moaning minnies.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 05/03/2023 13:54

It’s the loud music, it makes everyone speak louder to be heard. So they turn the music up even louder so the diners speak even louder.
I’m softly spoken and hate places like this. I feel mugged by the noise.

daisypond · 05/03/2023 14:00

Murdoch1949 · 05/03/2023 13:51

Surprised at both the vote and many of the comments. A table of 9 will be louder than a table for 2, obviously. You can't whisper to granny down the other end. You responded to the complaint probably much better than I would have, as it doesn't sound as if you were being raucous. I'd have asked to see the manager to establish the exact nature of the complaint. I may have sent a bottle of wine to the affronted diners to shame them. Saying a party of 9 should not be in a good quality restaurant is ludicrous, I bet the proprietor was over the moon to get your booking. Next time you go out together, check how the restaurant feels about large parties, maybe ask to be put at the end of the room not the middle to avert moaning minnies.

Obviously, you don’t shout to granny down the other end… And how would sending a bottle of wine to anyone shame them?

Brefugee · 05/03/2023 14:07

there are so many threads on here where people have been out for a (n expensive) meal and it's been ruined by loud diners (either children or groups of noisy adults)

And even though it ruined their evening they haven't complained (performative Britishness? stiff upper lip and all that). So for someone to have actually summoned up the cajones to complain to the waiter? I'm guessing it was a lot noiser than OP thinks.