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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have abandoned them

558 replies

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 07:31

We live about 35 minutes drive from DSCs Mum and we usually have them every weekend for the full weekend, this weekend she had plans so asked if she could have them from 10am yesterday and she would pick them up, DP normally does all pick ups and drop offs.

I had an appointment 10 minutes from her house at 10:15 so offered to meet her at 10 somewhere local and then drive the extra 5 minutes to my appointment instead of her driving here and back. I was on time with her DDs (9&11). At 10:10 she hadn’t arrived and I was worried about my appointment, it was important to me and I had prepaid so didn’t want to lose my money, there is a costa next door so I drove and parked up and put DSCs in there with hot chocolate and went to my appointment, oldest DSC messaged her Mum telling her where to pick them up from as we drove down.

I came out of my appointment and they were still sat in Costa without their Mum so I sat with them until about 10:45 when she arrived, when she came in she said sorry to her DDs for being late because she “got chatting to her friend in Tesco” and seemed to smirk at me. When they went to hug me bye she told them they didn’t have time and she blanked me.

A couple of hours later she’s been ringing my DP constantly and screaming down the phone about me putting her children in danger and that she will be contacting the police, social services and my work (I’m a teacher) about how I am unsafe around children. There have been some horrific texts about me saying she will let everyone know that I’m a danger and how I neglect children. I cannot get pregnant and a few years ago DSC1 asked if I would have a baby and DP explained that I can’t (with my agreement) and she must have told her Mum, this is now plastered all over her Facebook saying it is gods way of protecting the child from my harm (my friend checked her Facebook and called me after I had mentioned the incident yesterday, I didn’t ask and didn’t really want to know and she’s agreed not to in future).

I’m just wondering if it was acceptable to leave them in Costa, people I know irl have said yes but I’m not sure if they are just backing me up out of kindness.

OP posts:
TruffleShuffles · 05/03/2023 08:15

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 08:06

I think you are deliberately missing the point. That when you are I charge of children, you remain in charge until another adult takes over. Regardless of whether they are late or not. Did you want opinions or did you just want to be told it is fine?

Show quote history

I think you’re deliberately making an irrelevant point. What has a nursery aged child in a childcare setting got to do with a 9&11 year old in a place they often visit alone?

Original poster
Iyjd · 05/03/2023 08:16

ShandaLear · 05/03/2023 08:14

It’s fine. They’re plenty old enough to sit in Costa for half an hour. They had phones and they knew where you were. I don’t see a problem.

In reality I was less than 100m away from them. Tesco is about 400m away so if I had known she was there I would have suggested they walked round instead!

OP posts:
Nottodaty · 05/03/2023 08:16

Their father was happy for them to wait in Costa. The Mum is obviously comfortable with leaving them as she has done in the past. The children didn’t say to the step parent they weren’t happy to sit and wait, so no reason for concerns.

The Mum was late, didn’t bother texting and wasn’t concerned in worrying her children while being 45mins late. As a parent I know that would worry my children as they may think something had happened to me. Rude and bullying behaviour from the Mum.

ProtestantsHateAbba · 05/03/2023 08:17

EmptyPlaces · 05/03/2023 08:13

That’s a false equivalence and you know it, or you’re thick.

Show quote history

Absolutely. It’s nowhere near the same thing: toddlers and babies left on the side of the road, 11 and 9 year olds happy to be left in a costa for half an hour.

The knots some people will tie themselves in to make the stepmum in the wrong is batshit.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/03/2023 08:18

Surely most 11 year olds are off on their own meeting friends in costa/mcDs/primark? Mine certainly were and getting the bus there.

if not then they need a bit of freedom and independence.

wheelywheelynice · 05/03/2023 08:19

She didn't, it's right there in her post

Anewuser · 05/03/2023 08:19

You know the stepmum is wrong all round.

She changed the weekend agreement. You did her a favour offering to drop them off.

She wasn’t at home at the agreed time.

She was late picking them up as she ‘got chatting’.

Her aggressiveness is her guilt.

AuContraire · 05/03/2023 08:20

YANBU.

At 11 I was doing a 20 minute train journey followed by a 20 minute walk alone.

Of course it was fine to sit an 11 and a 10-in-a-few-weeks year old in a coffee shop for 25 minutes alone.

She's just pissed off because she thought she'd managed to ruin your appointment.

Anewuser · 05/03/2023 08:20

Sorry not Stepmum - you’re the innocent party. Should say Mum is wrong.

sorry

CornishTiger · 05/03/2023 08:20

I’ve changed my mind! If you knew she would be happy for both ages to normally go to that costs alone or together then no issue with them waiting there for either her or you.

She is their parent and made that judgement call previously. No issue with you doing the same.

She should not have been late either.

This is the conversation your DP needs to have.

QuizzlyBears · 05/03/2023 08:21

Bleese · 05/03/2023 07:56

Way, way too young? Seriously? So at what age would they be old enough? I'm a teacher and I think it's fine too if they're Y5 and Y7. In fact I'd fine it concerning if a Y7 couldn't sit in Costa by themselves. They should be able to get a bus to Costa by themselves at that age for goodness sake (in other circumstances, I know that's not the point here).

Show quote history

Hundred percent. If a year 7 child can’t sit in Costa alone for half an hour then I’d be more widely concerned about them. Given the info that the 9 year old is also 10 this month then I really don’t think YABU - it sounds the safer option than leaving them in the car in the car park at your appt. If the mother usually lets them be in that area alone to play then I suspect she’s more annoyed she didn’t get one over on you and make you miss your appt.

LikeTearsInRain · 05/03/2023 08:21

Discusting from the mother.

At the very list insist your DP does all comms and pick up/drop offs in future. Not your responsibility anyway!

fajitaaaa · 05/03/2023 08:22

Iyjd · 05/03/2023 08:16

In reality I was less than 100m away from them. Tesco is about 400m away so if I had known she was there I would have suggested they walked round instead!

Show quote history

It just gets worse! She's a right selfish moo.

Forgetaboutme · 05/03/2023 08:23

I don't see a problem with what you did. If you couldn't take them to the appointment (which youve explained) then sitting them in a Costa sounds a lot safer and also more fun than sitting in the car. Especially since you went back and waited with them after.

I have a ten year old who is quite young for her age but I still think she would be fine sitting in a costa with a friend the same age for a short while. 11 year olds going to Costas and McDonalds without parents is common where I live.

Freshstarts22 · 05/03/2023 08:23

Icedlatteplease · 05/03/2023 07:42

Nope way way too young to be left on their own in Costa. Whilst she shouldn't have been late you left yourself wide open to a proper shit storm. If anything had happened to them the consequences would have been diabolical for you. I'm amazed as a teacher you even vaguely thought that was OK.

Yy to them waiting in the waiting room of your appointment.

How are a 9 and 11 year old ‘way too young’ to sit in Costa for half an hour? What do you think would happen and what age do you think it’s acceptable?

BigGreen · 05/03/2023 08:23

I think it's fine to leave those ages.

dustydog22 · 05/03/2023 08:25

Tricky one. I think if they've been allowed out on their own before it's not too bad. However you've opened yourself up to criticism because had anything happened it was you that left them unsupervised. Yes the mum was late but they were in your care. I do think she's overreacting and probably looking for a reason to kick off at you. Her response is vile and I honestly would never do any solo childcare, lifts or favours again.

Did you have a word with the staff at costa and just ask them to keep an eye while the mother arrived?

BluebellBlueballs · 05/03/2023 08:25

I think you played into her hands. Did she know you had an appointment? Sounds like she etc you up by arriving so late.

I have kids that age. I'd be okay with them being left in Costa but whatever you did she was gonna make a meal out of, so I don't know what you'll get from asking random mners if they would be okay with it.

Sounds like you need to think things through when dealing with her in future. And pre warn your employer if she may contact them.

Moveoverdarlin · 05/03/2023 08:25

I would just steer clear in future. Don’t liaise with her. I’d tell the girls what’s happened and say ‘despite your mother being 45 mins late, I got in a lot of trouble for leaving you in Costa the other day.’ Just don’t get involved leave it all between your DH and the nutcase ex. She sounds awful.

FizzyFucker · 05/03/2023 08:25

You didn't do anything wrong.

Plumbear2 · 05/03/2023 08:25

Aprilx · 05/03/2023 07:55

No she was late. Not good. But she wasn’t the one that left them alone in a coffee shop. That was the OP.

What if a parent was late collecting from nursery and the staff put the children on the side of the street, locked up and went home? Would you consider that entirely the parents fault too, I doubt it.

Show quote history

It's not nursery age though is it. It's an 11 year old either in year 6 or 7 and a slightly younger sibling. Both ages at most schools just let those ages leave school without a parent

Xol · 05/03/2023 08:27

mistermagpie · 05/03/2023 07:49

I don't think what you did was illegal or anything, so nobody is going to care about that. But I wouldn't have done it.

I think 11 and 9 is too young to be left unattended in a coffee shop for an unknown amount of time generally (she might have had an accident or something, you had no way of knowing when or if she would actually turn up), but I would be doubly cautious because they aren't your kids and this outcome would always have been a possibility.

No doubt about it, she's behaved awfully here and technically you didn't do anything 'wrong', but unfortunately I think you made a poor choice.

How is it an unknown amount of time if OP was going to go back after her appointment to check anyway?

DomPom47 · 05/03/2023 08:28

From what the mum does with them and the fact that you got their dads permission your behaviour in this scenario was perfectly acceptable.

From now on I would do no extras in terms of kids and favours that benefit her.
when the kids are with their dad you can treat them and look after them as usual but nothing that benefits the mum. She’s taking advantage of your good nature and the fact that you are probably a lot nicer and more civil than her and she knows that due to the nature of your work in education you are not likely to scoop that to her pathetic level of bad mouthing people on social media when they cannot defend themself.

Out of curiosity does she work and if so in what industry?

growinggreyer · 05/03/2023 08:28

Moveoverdarlin · 05/03/2023 08:25

I would just steer clear in future. Don’t liaise with her. I’d tell the girls what’s happened and say ‘despite your mother being 45 mins late, I got in a lot of trouble for leaving you in Costa the other day.’ Just don’t get involved leave it all between your DH and the nutcase ex. She sounds awful.

No, this is nothing to do with the girls and shouldn't impact their relationship with the Op in any way. She was happy to treat them to hot chocolate and will probably take them to Costa again in the future. No need to sour their treats with their mother's jealousy.

Gunpowder · 05/03/2023 08:29

My daughter is in year 5 and sensible. I would be happy leaving her in Costa for 30 mins if she had a phone and knew I was next door. The mum sounds absolutely bonkers and I would never, ever do her a favour again.